DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

[DataColour]

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

Straight into PJs after bath for me! (Around 7.30 /8pm).Seems a bit strange to me . Surely this is downtime for you both? Does he complain about anything else like this .Does he think its 1950?

Also, you're talking to a very skewed sample here. People with young children, or who have formed habits during the small child years, are far more likely to get ready for bed early and accept being confined to their homes in the evening, than other people (in normal times).

Pre-DC I wouldn't have thought of changing into pyjamas in the early evening. I'd have been out many evenings, or have friends round and even if alone, it wouldn't have occurred to me to get undressed before bed time. I'd have found the idea quite infantile.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If I wear Jeans during the day, it goes like this- Put jeans on at last possible moment before I leave the house. On returning to the house swap jeans for pj bottoms immediately. Swap back into jeans when leaving the house becomes necessary. Change back into pj bottons when home. Repeat.

Even my comfy jeans (which I wear all day when I have to ) are not something I wear for just being in my home. Cleaning/lounging/working, all easier in PJ bottoms.

Me too 🤣

@cresside

I'm going to go against the flow and say that I can see where your husband is coming from. Mine would definitely not like it if I wore jogging bottoms every evening. And if he's been doing sport (which he does a lot) he changes out of sports gear into something a bit smarter for the rest of the evening.

Being "comfy" isn't the most important thing in the world. It's also important to wear clothes that your other half likes. My DH has certain clothes that I hate, and I've told him, and he doesn't wear them in front of me any more. Same with me and a particular pair of jeans of mine he dislikes. It's fine! The idea of dressing up to look nice for everyone else, and not for your partner, is a bit sad to me.

Having said that it sounds as if there's a distinct lack of respect in your relationship, and you both need some help in expressing how you feel about things.

Being able to relax in your own home without worrying what the person you live with will think is more important. Imagine life being so SHIT that you second guess whether you should wear that jumper, or that pair of shoes...

If all of sudden your H "hated" you wearing jeans, and only wanted you to wear hotpants and a strappy top. Even though it makes you uncomfortable, would you comply?

Changing into loungewear is not new! Over 30 years ago I and all the other children I knew, got changed into joggers/leggings and tshirts when we got home (to save the uniform and to be more comfortable).

My parents also changed when they got home.

DH is French and has always changed into comfy clothes at home since he was a kid.

Sometimes there are factors which force your hand (very fluffy white cat, child with severe reflux...) but for us it just feels right.

A couple of months ago my DH (who has always been prone to anxiety and depression) had a mini breakdown and had to have time off work due to stress etc. The main 'symptoms' were him becoming increasingly fixated on what the children and I were doing or not doing around the house. It was when he wanted to put in place some fairly draconian rules about the children's behaviour that I suggested to him that the problem was more his stress than their (very normal) behaviour and that led to a real crash but ultimately he sought help and has addressed the issues. Much of his stress has been lockdown/Covid related, and down to the lack of normal interaction. What I mean to say is that an unreasonable focus on something that is rationally completely minor could be a symptom of depression/anxiety. They aren't easy conversations to have, but it might be a way to broach the topic - from the 'your reaction to this has gone beyond what's reasonable, what might be the reason for that' perspective. Teachers have been under a lot of stress and constantly shifting goalposts over the last year (not saying others haven't). I think a lot of people are going to have difficulty adjusting as the rules relax etc, it will take quite a while before we all feel more normal and secure. I just get the feeling with the storming out etc that it's not really about the question of clothes at all.

Yes @InvincibleInvisibility good point. I ALWAYS had to change out of my uniform once I got home from school to keep it clean for the next day and because it just wasn't very comfortable. I make my kids do the same most days.

My dad would get home form work and go straight upstairs and change out of his suit into casual wear, as would my mum. This was in the 90's so joggers and lounge wear wasn't really a thing but definitely into something more comfortable such as jeans/leggings, etc.

It was part of 'de-working'.

I've just got dressed after reading this. But only the top half, pyjama bottoms are staying on. Everybody I know gets changed into lounge wear when they get home, surely it's just what you do?!

I just buy pretty pyjama trousers because they look nice and I live in them day and night. Not the point though, he sounds like a very unattractive man!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If I wear Jeans during the day, it goes like this- Put jeans on at last possible moment before I leave the house. On returning to the house swap jeans for pj bottoms immediately. Swap back into jeans when leaving the house becomes necessary. Change back into pj bottons when home. Repeat.

Even my comfy jeans (which I wear all day when I have to ) are not something I wear for just being in my home. Cleaning/lounging/working, all easier in PJ bottoms.

This!

I usually get into my jammies, not even lounge wear, soon as I walk in the door

Catching up on all the replies this morning. Didn't expect such a response!
He won't be told he's wrong though. He can never do wrong.

I don't think his family are like this. I've known them for over 20yrs of course, although we do live in different areas of the UK. I have often seen his mum and dad in their dressing gowns. They are not as rigid as him.

His other rigid ideas controlling habits
Not allowed to eat on sofas
Always need a plate for food
Kids MUST always use both knife AND fork for all meals
He's not that into watching TV but tries to control what I watch in the evening/sulks if I'm watching something he's not into (which is most of TV). We have another room he can go to and read his book, he dones't have to be in the same room as the TV.
Constantly tells me off for my dumping my clothes in the warbrobe without properly hanging them up, folding them away - this only applies to a few clothes at a time, everything else is shelved and hung up neatly.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm off to catch up on the replies.

For clarification I don't wear hoodie and jogging bottoms for sleep. I wear PJ shorts and a t-shirt for that, so it's not even like I'm wearing sleeping clothes all evening.

I couldn't live like this. It's not fair on the children either - home shouldn't be regimented. I'd be considering my future tbh.

He sounds a nightmare to live with. Do you want to stay with him?

I go for a run each weekend day early morning and get showered and dressed for the day in proper clothes, so it's only the evenings that I like to "slob out".

You can tell your husband from Maribe Boy 67 he's a selfish twat.
Who the hell does he think he is dictating to you what you can and can't wear. Does the twat keep his 3 piece suit and tie on till bedtime? Does he fuck! Tell him to shut up or fuck off...twat

I love eating on the sofa in my pajamas while watching Netflix. I wouldn’t give that up for anyone!

Yes, i do worry about my kids living in a regimented household. My parents were the opposite of this - which DH reminds me about in a negative way quite regularly, lacking in etiquette/manners etc etc

@lottiegarbanzo

Also, you're talking to a very skewed sample here. People with young children, or who have formed habits during the small child years, are far more likely to get ready for bed early and accept being confined to their homes in the evening, than other people (in normal times).

Pre-DC I wouldn't have thought of changing into pyjamas in the early evening. I'd have been out many evenings, or have friends round and even if alone, it wouldn't have occurred to me to get undressed before bed time. I'd have found the idea quite infantile.

Nope. Pregnant now but first time. I’ve been changing out of “outside” clothes and into PJs since I was early 20s. The only infantile thing here is your inability to understand that different people have different habits, and shock horror, find different clothing uncomfortable.

The amount of ignorance on MN lately is astonishing. No one is able to be accepting of any other lifestyle other than their own and resort to childish name calling if a person doesn’t fit their ridged view. SMH.

My DH first thing after greeting us when he gets in from work, is to put joggers and a hoodie on. He literally wont even enter into a conversation before hes gone upstairs to put slouchy clothes on. I wear jeans most days but if I've done exercise or showered in the eve I always put on more comfortable stuff, or pjs.
When I've dropped into friends houses, or collected DC from friends they too wear loungewear (or, MN favourite -leggings!)
My best friends DH wfh. Hes wearing joggers and a sweatshirt literally every time I've been round there!

I'm going to buy more loungewear online today.

It’s getting worse and worse. Maybe time for a serious talk with him that you are unhappy about all his rules and he needs to consider whether he’s really happy to lose his family over his behavior.

Buy the most fluffy onesie you can find, in a bright colour, put it on and only take off when necessary, see what happens you’ll get the best idea if you can live like this forever. I don’t think so. I couldn’t live like that in my own home.

During Covid, my boyfriend moved in with me and soon found the joy of changing into your comfies in the evening once your day is done. It soon extended to the whole day if we weren’t going out, as I’ve always done, as I don’t like wearing my ‘outside’ clothes in the house.

However, my idea of comfies was my old, tatty, no longer appropriate to wear in public knackered baggy clothes. I lived alone before my BF moved in, so I never cared how I looked as long as I was comfy.

When BF pointed out how knackered my comfies looked, I realised I didn’t need to look like a slob to be comfy, so I treated myself to some lovely loungewear, and bought things specifically to be comfies, rather than demoted worn out clothes.

I actually feel so much better that I’m making an effort not only for my BF, but myself, and I’m just as comfy!

His plates and sofas rules are normal to me. Who wants crummy sofas? Yuck.

Again, I think part of this is a difference in standards / domestic habits. Part is some sort of anxiety or cabin-fever driven emergence of controlling tendencies. I don't think his preferences are unusual or wrong. The problem is the way he's trying to enforce them, without discussion or negotiation, on others.