DH taking pics without asking

[sierrahotelindigotango]

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

[quote sierrahotelindigotango]@Doomsdayiscoming I don't know his PIN. [/quote]
What kind of phone is it? I’d take a stab at it if it is an iPhone, try his birthday, eg 050521 date month year.

@Keepitonthedownlow I feel violated, hurt, betrayed, worried, shocked - I don't know why I'm not feeling anger. I am just trying not to crumble. I know that makes me sound weak but I'm not - I just need to get my head round all this.

Illegal and incredibly disrespectful. Would 100% be a deal breaker for me.

Sorry but no, not normal and you need to find out why. I would also want to know what the photos were for. As far as Im concerned it's worrying that you seem unaware. It's like no one can do anything now without it having to be photographed, even intimacy.

Not cool

My further concern would be who else privacy does he violate?

You may not want to use the police route, but other people (I am thinking members of the public) will. Think of the consequences of that.

I think best case scenario he has done this a few times, as some sort of fetish. He has deleted the pictures, permanently, never shared them etc.

Worst case scenario? He has shared them, and you are not his only victim.

You think he won't get violence if you confronted him. Maybe you're right. And maybe you're wrong. Not so long ago you'd have sworn blind he wasn't a sex offender... You don't know him. The man you think you know doesn't exist.

The only way you're going to find out where these pics are and where they went I if the police go through all his stuff. If you confronted him first he could delete all kinds of evidence. Every new phone I've had lately the pics go to a cloud, you have to go searching through settings to find how to turn that off. One of them even automatically gave the phone makers permission to monitor all the photos on the cloud and I'd have had to register for some totally unnecessary pre installed operating system to deactivate the cloud. You think your husband would go to this much effort to ensure nobody sees his secret photos? I don't.

If he hasn't already shared them somewhere, your getting the devices checked could mean they never do get shared. If you confronted him then even if he hasn't already shared them he could do it in revenge for you being angry/upset about his violation.

Op this needs to be dealt with by the police. He’s committing sex crimes against his own partner, you clearly have no idea what type of man he is. Do you have children? Now obviously being a sexual predator doesn’t automatically mean that he’s a pedofile, but he clearly has no respect or boundaries when it comes to his family. If he’s set up any type of camera in the bedroom/bathroom and the kids just happen to be on there, then he’s already making child porn videos of your own children. If any videos or pictures he’s taken with the children in have been shared, then he’s distributing child porn. Now a few people have mentioned this happening to an op a few weeks ago, and the op found out because someone reverse imaged one of the photos and found her on fb and messaged her to tell her. If your photos are being shared online on these nasty, pervy sites, then it’s very easy for someone to find you and your children on any social media sites you may have, you’re putting yourself at risk from other sexual predators. You really need to give your head a shake here and phone the police immediately.

With the while we're having sex part, I was about to come on and agree that it's massively annoying. With the sex part, that is massively crossing a line. No sex. Every picture and cloud stored picture deleted. Phone banished from bedroom. Long conversation about what the fuck he thinks he's doing.

This is an absolute violation. You need to make him give you access to his phone so that you can ensure all photos and videos are deleted.

If he is not honest with you about what he's been doing with images of you naked I would threaten police involvement.

It is worrying to me that of all the emotions you are feeling, anger isn't one of them, I find that a huge red flag. Almost like a broken and abused person may not feel rage and anger at the way they are being used.

Please look after yourself and demand the respect you deserve.

WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL!
Sneaks means he knows he shouldn't be doing it. If he had respect for you he would ask.

I know that makes me sound weak but I'm not

You are not weak! You are a victim of a huge and horrifying betrayal.

You know that he knows exactly what he has been doing and now you have to deal with it somehow. Don't rush, prepare yourself for his further lies, justifications, apologies, tears etc. Remember you are the victim, not him.

Maybe seek advice from Womens Aid or other organisations that deal with sexual assault.

@WindowsSmindows

It's illegal, that's your starting point.

This. Very much not normal or ok. Creepy , abusive, and against the law.

OP, I wouldn't describe my DH as respectful if he thought it was ok to secretly take pictures or videos of me while having sex without my consent.

[quote sierrahotelindigotango]@AttilaTheMeerkat I want to find out why, what he has and what he's been doing with it. I want to give him a chance to explain and be honest with me before I take it any further. He is the father of my children - I have to think of the impact on them. [/quote]
And you are his children’s mother.
Yet he doesn’t appear to have given the same consideration to you / them before doing what he’s been doing. He’s clearly only interested in getting his rocks off.
Absolutely shocking behaviour.

[quote sierrahotelindigotango]@Keepitonthedownlow I feel violated, hurt, betrayed, worried, shocked - I don't know why I'm not feeling anger. I am just trying not to crumble. I know that makes me sound weak but I'm not - I just need to get my head round all this. [/quote]
No it makes you sound strong. There’s no right or wrong way to feel about this - angry, upset, shocked, numb, disbelieving, detached. These are all normal reactions.

Remember you don’t need to act today. You can formulate a plan and act on it.

Can you avoid sex with him right now? Make some excuse like you have thrush / tummy bug if you need to.

Buy yourself a few days to work out what you want to do. Eg search for evidence, get legal advice, confide in a friend or counsellor, phone a helpline

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/law-and-courts/society-s/privacy-and-media-s/if-your-intimate-photos-or-videos-are-shared-without-your-consent/

www.mygov.scot/intimate-image-victim-support

@sierrahotelindigotango

A long time ago (pre kids!) we did film ourselves having sex a few times which I was totally onboard with and maybe he thinks because of this that I'd be okay with it. Where do men post this stuff if they do share it?

He might be posting it on fabswingers if he has a fake couples account.

So sorry this has happened to you, I understand how it is like a massive bomb on your whole world . I would seriously seriously think about involving the police before talking to your H. If for nothing else, if down the line, you do separate, it would be helpful to have this on police record.

And if he does delete everything if you confront him first, and the confrontation doesn't satisfy you and you still feel like going to the police, you absolutely should still, but it will be hard for them to do anything with no evidence

You know why he’s taken them. He does it for his own sexual gratification - he likes the fact that you don’t know or consent, it gives him power over you. You are his property that he owns.

Same if he’s sharing them with his mate / online. It’s about power - not sex.

What he’s done with them - none of us know. But if you give him as much as 5 mins warning he can delete them from any devices he uses.

He’s very VERY unlikely to admit if he has shared them , either with his friends or online. So you will only find out about this if you get the evidence yourself.

Most men who are confronted about this storm off out the house in a rage / hide in the bathroom and then delete as much of the evidence as they can.

So if you want evidence you need to look first BEFORE you confront him.

@I0NA thank you.

I think you need to call the police Op.
They can they check everything.
Otherwise how will you ever know what he might have put online ?
I couldn’t stay married to a man who did this, the trust would be destroyed, and it also would entirely change what I thought of him. He doesn’t see you as an equal, worthy of respect, he sees you as an object that belongs to him, to do what he wants with.

Yikes this is really hard to read, I can't imagine what you're going through. I guess there's a tendency to want to protect your family but this is unfortunately how these kind of people get away with it.
It's absolutely a violation of your trust and you said you're trying to figure out if he knows it's wrong or not and I would guess that yes he does otherwise he would have said about it and not only that he clearly feels he can do what the fuck he likes. As a previous poster suggested, I would also go straight to the police. If you mention it to him he will remove all the evidence. And why shouldn't you to the police? Hes in the wrong here not you.

I cross posted with IONA on the ownership issue. I agree with her post.

@sierrahotelindigotango

He might not realise how it's made me feel

Of course he doesnt realise how he's made you feel - because he doesnt think you know! He hasn't given you the option of telling him how you feel, because he hasnt asked you at all - and thats completely deliberate on his part!

If you did confront him do you think he will delete them all? And stop doing it? Because that is what I would want. But whether he would do it, and whether I would trust him to really do it, that's a whole other matter.

(revenge porn) that's not what I'm dealing with.

That's not what you are dealing with now but what about the future? He has all these images and you could have to worry what he could do with them for the rest of your life. If you don't take legal steps then he could use them against you if you leave, or if you stay and make him angry.

When did you first notice these sneaky photos? I am wondering if he has been doing it for longer and is getting more careless now to see how much you will put up with.