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Original poster

DH taking pics without asking

328 replies

sierrahotelindigotango · 04/05/2021 21:14

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

OP posts:
Rubyrecka · 05/05/2021 08:51

Sorry your going through this OP.

Not all men are like this. It’s not normal behaviour in a loving respectful marriage or relationship. I would worry what he was actually doing with the pics if he’s taking them without (he thinks) your knowledge.

I’m not sure I would confront him straight away as it would alert him and give him time to delete. I think I’d try to look at his phone and see exactly where and what is happening with them first then go from there.

Doomsdayiscoming · 05/05/2021 08:52

If I were you I’d confront him.

Either be let’s you look through his phone, specifically his Reddit account, or you go to the police and they will look through it.

He has massively betrayed your trust. The only way to win it back is to be completely transparent. If he isn’t willing to do that, then you’ve got to leave him.

Doomsdayiscoming · 05/05/2021 08:53

He* not be

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2021 08:54

There is no one set image of what a voyeur looks like; these men maintain an image to the outside world vigorously. You know differently and you cannot unlearn this knowledge re him. He feels absolutely entitled to have behaved like this towards and you do need the police involved here.

LondonGirl83 · 05/05/2021 08:55

This is awful. If he wants explicit photos of you he has to ask abs has not right to take them without your consent. This type of behaviour is extremely unethical and exploitative. I have a hard time believing a decent man would ever do this.

Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 08:58

@Doomsdayiscoming I think you're right and this has to be my approach. I have to know what he has and what he does / has done with it.

OP posts:
Deathgrip · 05/05/2021 08:58

This is not normal and not okay. It is illegal and horrifyingly disrespectful. There are websites where men exchange unsuspecting photos and videos of women, so you have absolutely no idea what he’s doing with them.

My ex did this to me, although not during sex - things like me getting dressed, showering etc. It was just one part of a much wider problem of abuse in our relationship - he’d become addicted to voyeuristic porn, and he seemed to think that this was some kind of compliment to me when I accidentally found out about it.

How long has this been going on? How is he doing it - setting up a camera you don’t know about? You need to look for other cameras in the bedroom, and ideally get into his phone and computer and see what he’s doing. He will never tell you if he is sharing them with others, and once they’re online you’ll never contain them

Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 08:59

I'm finding hard to accept he knows this is wrong. And I know that sounds stupid.

OP posts:
nellly · 05/05/2021 09:00

If he didn't know it was wrong he would have done it more openly, from other angles etc, my Oh and I take pictures sometimes, mostly in lingerie as opposed to full nude but it's done openly together and we laugh and do silly poses

Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 09:01

I don't know how long exactly. I need to ask him all of these questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 09:02

@Deathgrip he does it with his phone while he thinks I can't see.

OP posts:
Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 09:03

@Deathgrip sorry posted too early. I had wondered if this was some kind of porn type / voyeur fantasy he has and the secrecy is part of the kick.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2021 09:05

Confronting him may not actually get you very far; what do you want to achieve from doing so?. An admittance of guilt and a promise not to film you ever again?. He could well break down completely and beg for your forgiveness and mercy; what would you do then?.

If there is no trust there is no relationship.

The best people by far to get involved now are the Police. He needs to be accountable to the authorities also for his actions because this is a serious violation against you as his wife.

Justcallmebebes · 05/05/2021 09:06

It's illegal, that's your starting point.

This

Ever heard of revenge porn?

ErickBroch · 05/05/2021 09:09

OP, if you need help searching his reddit posts then please drop me a private message. I don't need his username, but if you know it I can show you how to use reddit and search and see what he has been posting. Just for peace of mind on there x

Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 09:09

I have heard of revenge porn but that's not what I'm dealing with. I thought that was generally consensual content then shared without consent. I can't imagine him sharing this "in revenge" for me confronting him.

OP posts:
Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 05/05/2021 09:10

@sierrahotelindigotango

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.
These are not the actions of a respectful or loving man. It’s creepy, underhand and a massive breach of trust.
Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 09:10

@ErickBroch thank you - I have no idea what his username is or even if he does have an account - I just know he uses the app.

OP posts:
Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 09:12

@AttilaTheMeerkat I want to find out why, what he has and what he's been doing with it. I want to give him a chance to explain and be honest with me before I take it any further. He is the father of my children - I have to think of the impact on them.

OP posts:
milmentalhealth · 05/05/2021 09:13

If you can get access to one of the pictures you can do a reverse image search - it will show up if he has posted it somewhere, I know it might cause more struggle for you but at least he can't deny it if you have definitive proof of it being uploaded. Sorry to hear you are in this situation, it's unbelievable what some people do when they think they aren't being watched.

Doomsdayiscoming · 05/05/2021 09:15

[quote sierrahotelindigotango]@ErickBroch thank you - I have no idea what his username is or even if he does have an account - I just know he uses the app. [/quote]
Do you know his passcode for his phone?

I assume not.

To be honest I am not sure doing this without his permission is the right approach. He will use that against you. However it will yield the truth, so it would be tempting.

Keepitonthedownlow · 05/05/2021 09:20

He might be uploading it to Pornhub. Or another website where people share images of their partners. So sorry OP, that is a massive violation of trust and also illegal. You have no idea where those images are going. I can't understand why you're not raging. Women are socialised not to show their feelings, however you may also be in shock. Just wondering if there is a support line you can call, perhaps women's aid?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2021 09:20

He is indeed the father of your children but he has completely violated your dignity and trust by doing this. He may not be able to give you reasons as to why he has done this but this is all on him all the same.

He has not been honest with you up until now so why would he be at all honest if you confront him?. What do you want to achieve from confronting him?. It is extremely hard to go to the police re this but there needs to serious consequences for his actions here. Bust his wholesome family man image wide open.

Original poster
sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 09:20

@Doomsdayiscoming I don't know his PIN.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 05/05/2021 09:23

Wtf have I just read .
Not ok at all and I would be spectacularly losing my shit ,confronting him and going bat shit mental.
Packing his things and throwing him out .

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