Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling pretty broken about 50/50 custody

66 replies

KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 19:37

Had a few threads about breaking up with alcoholic/financial drain ExP.
he's getting his own place on Friday. So next week it's 50/50 with our son. I've agreed because it seems like it's the best for DS. Despite being an arse he's been a capable father. Nothing there that means I could reasonably contest custody.
I just am so bloody tearful about 3.5 days a week without my son.
Any advice?

OP posts:
00100001 · 04/05/2021 19:45

Do what is best for your child.

Is he going to stay at Dad's Mon/Tues/weds night, and then you the rest of the time? Or is it to and fro?

What's the arrangement?

Ardvark111 · 04/05/2021 19:48

Child custody is a 2 way street,!! Your ex probably feels same when child with you,

Fullofthejoysofspring · 04/05/2021 19:55

50:50 with an alcoholic? Is he not going to drink when he has your child then?

anxietyanonymous · 04/05/2021 19:56

It is very very strange to start with. But you do over time grow into it and over a period of years come to enjoy it. And on some levels i am a better, more patient and fun parent due to the time to myself and headspace i get.

Personally i try not to think too much about what they are doing or have too much contact when they are away. I try and give the other parent uninterrupted time and personally i Don't find it helps my missing them-it intensifies it.

I use the time to do all of my food shopping, chores and meal prep and life admin.
So that when they are with me every second counts and they don't get dragged around on tedious errands etc. That helps a lot as you feel productive. And they have my full attention and all of my energy.

Take time to sleep rebalance and reset. Get ready to be your best you.

Bank some long days at work to focus on your career or do an online training course.

See friends and have a hobby. Model an interesting dynamic and fun life to your kids. Make them feel excited about what is out there waiting for them. It will also be good for your self esteem and well being.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 04/05/2021 19:56

I would also be devastated. I know it always needs to be about what's best for the child and that's what we must always strive for but it just feels so unfair when you didn't ever choose this path. That's what upsets me the most some days when I think of my kids being brought up in separated families, the unjustness of it all from a selfish point of view.

My advice is to make a life separate to all of this. Focus on yourself in the way of hobbies, spending time with friends/family, finishing off any jobs that need doing etc.

Desmondo2021 · 04/05/2021 19:59

Don't be fooled into thinking 50 50 is the optimum achievement for all separated parents. I used to think that but now I realise how wrong I was.

However, it will be tough at first, unbearably so, but you really will get used to it. And in time if you venture back into the world of dating and maybe a new relationship then you may even start to see the benefits!

kshaw · 04/05/2021 20:01

I am just getting used to this. It's hard but honestly coming home Friday night after work and just being able to do what I want is really fun! I would say you need to make the most of your time and now we can see friends etc, do!

Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 20:15

Yeah it might be a two way street, but it's his fault we are breaking up, so I think it's tough going. I wouldn't have chosen this.

Monday evening to Thursday evening or Friday morning depending on what week he's at his fathers (ExP works weekends).

OP posts:
Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 20:18

Supposedly he's not going to drink. Tbh this is what has me spiralling most. At least I could always manage any risk when he was here.

OP posts:
PatsyJStone · 04/05/2021 20:21

Well done for thinking about the child first and acknowledging Dad May have faults but that shouldn’t affect his time parenting your son.

I hope that in time you will see all the positives that others have mentioned. And there are many positives.

Who knows what the long term future holds, maybe it won’t work out and you will get more contact, but at least give this a good try on both sides and see how it goes for your son. It’s a great start and hopefully you will both be able to parent well as individuals and as separated parents in unison.

sandybeaches74 · 04/05/2021 20:24

Is it really best that he's with an alcoholic 50% of the time? Or any of the time?

fedup078 · 04/05/2021 20:25

I have been wondering how you are getting on
It really sucks and I miss ds so much when he's not here
But it is nice to have time to yourself too

Kelly345 · 04/05/2021 20:28

@KittenMittens4

Yeah it might be a two way street, but it's his fault we are breaking up, so I think it's tough going. I wouldn't have chosen this.

Monday evening to Thursday evening or Friday morning depending on what week he's at his fathers (ExP works weekends).

But that's your personal feelings about him. Your feelings should not effect your son's relationship with his father. If it turns out not to be the right decision then you can deal with that when it happens but try to remember at this stage it's not about your feelings.
Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 20:31

Ah hi @fedup078 !!
Yeah today has been really crap. Just so tearful about it. I'm a teacher and kids just seem to have a sixth sense for when you're down. They were all super well behaved and nice and it made me even sadder!!
I am trying to look at the positives.
Saving so much money from him not being here so going to join a nice gym but I'm just so up and down.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 20:32

I definitely do know it's not about my feelings. That's why I'm agreeing to 50/50. It is bloody heartbreaking though.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 04/05/2021 20:34

@KittenMittens4 yes make loads of time for yourself when you don't have him and organise social stuff etc
I'm over the moon that after 5 years of living on my estate and not knowing anyone someone has put a WhatsApp together for all the girls and we're going to have a gardens party at some point . Couldn't have come at a better time
I know dh would have been weird about it
I'm also seeing my family a lot more which dh also hated
It's so nice not having dh here but 50/50 is hard

OverTheRubicon · 04/05/2021 20:34

If he's an alcoholic, is that safe and in your DC's best interest? The alcoholics in our family couldn't go 3 nights without a drink (or 20).

If it is safe, then it is hard but you and you all will get used to it and one day you will be in the middle of a run, or of organising a really fun birthday party for him, or catching up with work so you can finish early and see your DC as soon as school finishes the next day, and you'll realise that things are okay and you are okay and it's all worked out as well as it could, from such a tough starting place. Flowers

Cleverpolly3 · 04/05/2021 20:34

@KittenMittens4

Supposedly he's not going to drink. Tbh this is what has me spiralling most. At least I could always manage any risk when he was here.
Is this a joke? If your ex is an alcoholic he cannot be left in sole care of a child What are you BOTH thinking of?
00100001 · 04/05/2021 20:35

You can only see how it goes

You'll potentially see more of your son than DH anyway, because DS will be in school during the week. Assuming he's old enough for that?

Cleverpolly3 · 04/05/2021 20:35

How old is your child?

user47000000000 · 04/05/2021 20:36

Is he capable of caring for a child if he’s an alcoholic?

Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 20:42

Not a joke. I have no evidence that he's not capable. All his drinking has ended in him pissing the bed here and gambling away my money. But he's never put DS in danger. How would I even go about challenging it?

He's always done half the parenting and has never hurt DS or put him in danger, I don't feel like I have any other course of action other than to agree.

DS is 3.5

OP posts:
00100001 · 04/05/2021 20:48

You say he's never put DS in danger. But what is he going to do when you aren't there as the functioning adult? Who is going to be looking after DS when he passed out?

There absolutely no way he can be "sober" Mon-Thurs, surely?

Cleverpolly3 · 04/05/2021 20:51

@KittenMittens4

Not a joke. I have no evidence that he's not capable. All his drinking has ended in him pissing the bed here and gambling away my money. But he's never put DS in danger. How would I even go about challenging it?

He's always done half the parenting and has never hurt DS or put him in danger, I don't feel like I have any other course of action other than to agree.

DS is 3.5

Sorry there is no way on earth a three and a half year old child should be left in the care of a man who gets so drunk he wets the bed

You need to take a deep breath and refuse this arrangement citing his drinking as a concern
It is not unheard of for courts to order strand tests or look further into this

Your primary duty is the safety of your child not participating in arrangement because you think it’s the least worse option. The fact is your son’s father has a drink problem.

That is a huge safeguarding risk.

If something happens and it transpires you knew of it yet let your son go there you will not be viewed as putting your children first

ConnieCaterpillar70 · 04/05/2021 20:53

I come from a family with several alcoholics and they couldn't care for themselves let alone a small child.

50/50 works well for children with 2 responsible parents.

You say he hasn't put DS in danger but presumably that's only down to your presence until this point........... and alcoholics can't stop drinking for 3.5 days a week.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.