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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling pretty broken about 50/50 custody

66 replies

KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 19:37

Had a few threads about breaking up with alcoholic/financial drain ExP.
he's getting his own place on Friday. So next week it's 50/50 with our son. I've agreed because it seems like it's the best for DS. Despite being an arse he's been a capable father. Nothing there that means I could reasonably contest custody.
I just am so bloody tearful about 3.5 days a week without my son.
Any advice?

OP posts:
legosnowqueen · 04/05/2021 20:54

OP, please reconsider this, I'm not surprised you have misgivings...does your solicitor know about the drinking? It feels far too risky to give anything other than supervised contact, a child of that age can't let you know if something's not right.

l2b2 · 04/05/2021 21:05

Have you seen a solicitor?

Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 21:08

Thanks everyone. I needed to hear this. I guess I'm questioning whether I should fight it. I'm unsure of how to evidence his incapability as pp have said he's always had me here to keep DS safe. His drinking has always been limited to when he's not in charge of DS but that again as pp have said is essentially whenever he wants.
I haven't seen a solicitor as not married. But I will start to look into what I can do.

OP posts:
00100001 · 04/05/2021 21:09

How often has he been "not in charge" of DS?

How often has he had sole responsibility for him?

Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 21:10

I went through this as the child and my mum fought to have us (by lying and manipulating) I don't want to ruin his potential relationship with his child on what is at this point my fears rather than anything evidential.

OP posts:
00100001 · 04/05/2021 21:10

I'd be inclined to tell him that he can't have unsupervised access until he's sober.

Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 21:11

@00100001 quite a lot. 2 days a week in the day. And a mixture of nights when I have had to work away.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 04/05/2021 21:11

And also he's done the lions share this last year as he was furloughed and I wasn't. He was sober for a year until this Christmas which is what has prompted this break up.

OP posts:
00100001 · 04/05/2021 21:12

You won't ruin his relationship by making sure DS is safe and cared for.

The relationship could be ruined if DS witnesses his father's drunken episodes, or wakes up to his dad passed out. Is DS old enough to get himself up, washed, dressed and feed himself etc whilst the adult in charge is practically unconscious?

Or is he too little to have to live 50% of the time with someone who's capacity to care for him is unknown

Puntastic · 04/05/2021 21:13

I'd fight it. The idea that he's going to be able to choose when his addiction applies is farcical.

00100001 · 04/05/2021 21:13

@KittenMittens4

And also he's done the lions share this last year as he was furloughed and I wasn't. He was sober for a year until this Christmas which is what has prompted this break up.
What's prompted the return to drinking?

How do you know he was sober?

00100001 · 04/05/2021 21:14

[quote KittenMittens4]@00100001 quite a lot. 2 days a week in the day. And a mixture of nights when I have had to work away. [/quote]
So he has been sober for 2+ days week since Christmas?

EarringsandLipstick · 04/05/2021 21:18

Sorry there is no way on earth a three and a half year old child should be left in the care of a man who gets so drunk he wets the bed

Absolutely this. Your DS is only 3. It's not in his interests to be left alone with an alcoholic father.

I haven't seen a solicitor as not married.

You need a solicitor, pronto.

Also, I'm not sure that 50:50 is best for all children, regardless. It means the child hasn't a base, and I think when they are so little, that's unsettling for them. Of course, it can work but this idea that 50:50 is the ideal, and parents should prioritise this, isn't altogether valid.

StoneColdBitch · 04/05/2021 22:00

[quote KittenMittens4]@00100001 quite a lot. 2 days a week in the day. And a mixture of nights when I have had to work away. [/quote]
I think this changes matters a bit, if your ex has cared for your son appropriately this often, including solo overnight care. As others have said, take legal advice, but you may struggle to justify restricting access if your ex was safely looking after your child, unsupervised, up until you separated.

Most alcoholics drink every day. If he has been abstaining when in sole charge of your DS while you were together, again, that suggests he may be able to do it (and he may be a problem/binge drinker rather than an alcoholic).

00100001 · 04/05/2021 22:02

Was any of the sole care since Christmas?

Evidencebased · 04/05/2021 22:03

Drunk enough to wet the bed =
-incapable of taking a good decision as to whether a child is ill/injured enough to need taking to A&E,
-incapable of driving/organising transport
-incapable of dealing swiftly and efficiently with a house fire

He may not be unkind or abusive to your child.
But he is not capable of being a responsible sole carer.

Maybe at this young age your DC doesn't see him drunk.
But they will.

Wake up.

Laburnam · 04/05/2021 22:08

I would be v unhappy with the arrangement your child is too young to be left with him

PicsInRed · 04/05/2021 22:08

Does your family have an unhealthy history with alcohol? I ask as you are remarkably low key about how inebriated and impaired a person must be in order to drunkenly wet the bed.

ProseccoThyme · 04/05/2021 22:15

I would be seeking advice from a solicitor, health visitor or social worker before agreeing to this.

As others have said, it is a major safeguarding risk.

Cleverpolly3 · 04/05/2021 22:18

Why did you leave your son with him and work away overnight?
No job is that important if your child’s father is too pissed up to get to the toilet in all conscience you ought to have never done this it is potential neglect. If you knew then this muddies the water.
You ought to have confided in your employer and explained why overnights wouldn’t have been possible. It also would have provided some evidential paper trail for concerns which a court could allow you to file. In that sense @StoneColdBitch raises the sorts of points his legal representation will if you rethink this which really you must.

I think you need to see a solicitor

scotsllb · 04/05/2021 22:19

Noway should a 3.5 year old be spending time alone with an active alcoholic.
Why do you think he won't get so drunk he passes out when the kids are in bed and won't wake up in an emergency?
I would never be able to rest thinking my kids weren't safe with someone who put alcohol before all else.
I think he needs to be a long time proven sober before he has unsupervised overnights and as a teacher I'm surprised at your judgment here

scotsllb · 04/05/2021 22:25

@KittenMittens4

Supposedly he's not going to drink. Tbh this is what has me spiralling most. At least I could always manage any risk when he was here.
Is this standard of care acceptable to you? His drinking caused the end of your marriage but you at happy to leave your small vulnerable hill with him for half the week? It's your job to make sure your child is safe and in the best care possible. How could you even risk it?
Justmeandme19 · 06/05/2021 16:10

I've been in a similar situation. Basically where I didn't feel my children's father was safe.
You need evidence you really do. It's very very hard to fight a case with out it. Unless he's likely to role role over and not take it further, eg to court.
Does he hold down a job? Are you able to talk to him about your conserns? Do you keep a diary of all the times he's drunk? Also is he drink around his son?

Warofthebuttons · 06/05/2021 16:22

I would have a serious think about whether 50/50 has your sons best interests at heart. I work in a school and the majority of children who switch parents halfway through the week have a hard time with the constant transitioning. It can feel quite nomadic spending a few days at each place before having to swap and have to constantly readapt to the different settings. You are your sons advocate, do what you think is in your son's best interests.

cosmicbabe · 06/05/2021 16:24

This must be hard especially when you didn't choose this. However my Ex is determined to try for 100% custody in a few years as he wants our son to go and live with him, and he lives 3 hours away!! Over my dead body ! But it's not nice to think about xx

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