Feeling pretty broken about 50/50 custody

[KittenMittens4]

Had a few threads about breaking up with alcoholic/financial drain ExP.
he's getting his own place on Friday. So next week it's 50/50 with our son. I've agreed because it seems like it's the best for DS. Despite being an arse he's been a capable father. Nothing there that means I could reasonably contest custody.
I just am so bloody tearful about 3.5 days a week without my son.
Any advice?

It is so difficult for you to be without your son on those days- it goes against all natural maternal feelings not to be with them.
It will get easier when he gets older and not so vulnerable - able to phone you and recognise if he is enjoying time with dad but I agree with the last post if dad is drinking heavily this is a safeguarding issue and you should contact social services. It is difficult to prove but if you have any concerns about your son being at risk cut the contact

@cosmicbabe
Try to rest assured - he won't get 100% custody of your child unless it was deemed you were an unfit mother. They may consider 50/50 but in a few years your child will have had an established routine with you and if he lives 3 hours away it would not be practical - he is just trying to scare you x

Given that the ex has been the primary carer, OP could fight it and lose, and he could get full time with her getting EOW.
Wouldn't be the first time.

There have been studies done in other countries about what's best for very young children. (carnt remember the countries). Norway maybe?? Any how the studies show that very young children do better living with one parent and seeing the other parent for short periods of time but frequently. This was something my solicitor discussed in court.
Don't forget what ever you agree to now can chance as the child gets older and their needs change.

*I think this changes matters a bit, if your ex has cared for your son appropriately this often, including solo overnight care. As others have said, take legal advice, but you may struggle to justify restricting access if your ex was safely looking after your child, unsupervised, up until you separated.

Most alcoholics drink every day. If he has been abstaining when in sole charge of your DS while you were together, again, that suggests he may be able to do it (and he may be a problem/binge drinker rather than an alcoholic).*

This.

Is he actually an alcoholic, drinking daily?

Or is he a problematic binge drinker?

I’m presuming the latter, which is still horrible for you to deal with; but would support your decision to leave your son with him at various points.

If he is a binge drinker, when does he usually do it? If he works weekends, is it usually an end of the week thing, or earlier on?

Given that the ex has been the primary carer, OP could fight it and lose, and he could get full time with her getting EOW.
Wouldn't be the first time.

And this, if I’m honest.

I’m presuming he wouldn’t have been sole carer if he was an actual alcoholic, and therefore your judgment has been that he’s fine to look after your son unsupervised and won’t drink with him around?

@swimlittlefishy

Given that the ex has been the primary carer, OP could fight it and lose, and he could get full time with her getting EOW. Wouldn't be the first time.

Depends if he was sober or not, surely? OP says he was in sole charge, but also says he was sober for a year.

However,she hasn't answered if he's been in sole charge since Christmas,which is when he started drinking again.

You do settle into it, and start to enjoy the space as time with the kids is intense.

Re: drinking. I would suggest agreeing some boundaries around parenting in general and this can incorporate boundaries around drinking when either of you have your son. This way, there's no area of doubt and if there is an incident or stories coming back from your sin
Son, you start to build up a picture and dare I say it, evidence.

Our boundaries were around things like not leaving the kids on their own to pop to the shop - my eldest is on the cusp of being old enough so I wanted to be clear that it was a coparenting decision, and not his or mine to make alone when it suited.

Around his addiction (not booze) I was clear about boundaries around his recovery, seeking help etc.

And then we have boundaries around dating, introducing partners etc not that either of us are there yet.

[quote tinysundancer]@cosmicbabe
Try to rest assured - he won't get 100% custody of your child unless it was deemed you were an unfit mother. They may consider 50/50 but in a few years your child will have had an established routine with you and if he lives 3 hours away it would not be practical - he is just trying to scare you x[/quote]
Thanks. He left us when our son was 1 years old as he didn't see himself with a baby. Now he has asked for our son to go and live with him in 2 years when he is 10. Crazy. Xx

You don’t have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. I would think op knows what she’s talking about.

Yes I would definitely fight this. If I was in your position I would not be happy with 50/50.

How does it seem like the best for your son when the guy is an alcoholic?

If it's not been court ordered why are you going along with it?

I wouldn't let my DD overnight once if there was the vaguest chance my ex was likely to drink.

If your ex is so drunk he pisses the bed then he's not a good dad. No way on earth I'd agree to 50/50.
Could this agreement partly be so he doesn't have to pay maintenance if he's crap with money?

Do NOT leave your child in the care of an alcoholic. He may not have done anything YET, but he will. Drink drive, pass out, leave him
alone, not hear him cry... don't risk it. Alcoholics will prioritise alcohol over their own children. 45 snd still recoverjng from the damage my parents did to me.

Alcoholics are liars. You have no guarantee your ex will not drink whilst your ds is in his care. If your ds comes to any harm you will be held accountable..
My ex is an alcoholic..i trusted him to mind ds until i realised he was getting drunk whilst ds was in his care. Ended up he had been drinking the whole time and had convinced me he was sober! Ds is now nc as i suspended contact an ex chose drink over ds...

Cleverpolly3 is right, absolute insanity to leave a 3.5 year old in the sole care of an alcoholic half the week.

@cosmicbabe
No chance - it would not be in your son's best interest - you have been his primary carer, he has his education, friends, stability and you
No judge in the land would allow full custody and at the age of 10 Cafcass will take his thoughts into account.
My ex tried the same thing x