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Original poster

Advice please - handling OH baggage

107 replies

SunnyDarren123 · 03/05/2021 00:05

Hi all, first time poster needing advice.

I met a girl (GF) on a dating app 3 months ago. We got on amazingly well, the connection was great: the laughter, the sensitive talks, deep and meaningfuls, talking about our fears and desires. Conversations were so easy.

She told me so much about her father passing away when she was 17.

Eventually we told each other about our past relationships and that's where my uncertainty lies.

This is basically what GF told me....

She had a boyfriend at university (BF1).

In 2014, aged 23, she dated a guy (BF2) for 2 years who was her best friend during university. But it started as an affair Because BF2 was in a relationship which GF knew about. So she was complicit in BF2 cheating. She calls him her first love/greatest love but it didn't work out cos she couldn't commit in the way BF2 wanted to.

BF2 got back with girl he'd cheated on, married her in 2017 and had a child in 2019.

Also in 2019 my GF told BF2 Alle feelings she'd had for him when they first dated and they then had a 6 month affair, after he's become a dad.

Eventually GF breaks off the affair and goes back to dating BF1, her uni boyfriend, for a year. That ended in December.

It's been 2 years but BF2 still contacts GF by email and even calls her mum occasionally!

GF admits she still loves BF2.

And this weekend the uni ex BF1, invited her to see his new flat and she intended to go until other plans got in the way.

SO... With the tendency to go back to ex's; the history of being complicit in affairs; not cutting off contact the ex's.... Should I persist? I really like GF.

All views/warnings welcome. Please be honest.

Thank you for bearing with me during my long post

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/05/2021 00:24

Hard pass. Sounds like a hot, neurotic mess who is for some unfathomable reason, massively beguiling at the moment - at least to you. This 'damaged-and-vulnerable' schtick has a shelf-life, though, and hopefully you'll stick it in the food waste bin before it stinks out the fridge.

She's telling you all this, btw, as a means of making herself more enticing - "Look how many men fancy me! I don't know how I do it, honestly!"🙄

Seriously - what's so good about her? There's bollock-all of note in what you've described.

cheeseislife8 · 03/05/2021 00:41

It does sound like she doesn't really know what she wants. Personally I couldn't begin something with someone who admits they still love someone else, it'll eat away at your very foundation

silkpillowcases · 03/05/2021 00:57

More red flags than a field of scouts, tbh

GreenDahlia · 03/05/2021 01:04

Hell NO

Original poster
SunnyDarren123 · 03/05/2021 02:02

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

Hard pass. Sounds like a hot, neurotic mess who is for some unfathomable reason, massively beguiling at the moment - at least to you. This 'damaged-and-vulnerable' schtick has a shelf-life, though, and hopefully you'll stick it in the food waste bin before it stinks out the fridge.

She's telling you all this, btw, as a means of making herself more enticing - "Look how many men fancy me! I don't know how I do it, honestly!"🙄

Seriously - what's so good about her? There's bollock-all of note in what you've described.

Before I learned the above it was apparent We have similar outlook and views in common on so many things. (Not infidelity!). A lot of what I liked about her is based on how she is with her family. How she looks after her mum and other extended family that she lives with. Having elderly parents myself, that struck a chord. She's beautiful. Physically too, there's screaming hot chemistry.

But yes, she has also said she thinks affairs are "possible" which almost sounds like a green light for the future. Even though she says she wants one man for the rest of her life.

She admits to being a commitment phobe.

I don't know, even with these comments, part of me wants to believe these mistakes are behind her.

She's told me I'm slowly making her forget her ex's....???!?!
That's not something i should be doing though right? She should deal with it herself right?

OP posts:
RachelRaven · 03/05/2021 02:07

GF admits she still loves BF2
Read this again. Then block and delete.

GreenDahlia · 03/05/2021 02:14

She sounds utterly self consumed and exhausting ...

Block

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/05/2021 02:55

Christ, Darren - catch yourself on. I suspect neither I nor anyone on here can help you: for my part because you sound like you're in thrall to this Fanny Enchantress who is beautiful and Helps The Aged, whereas I've met a few women like her and ultimately - they're all frigging tiresome children with not much to recommend them.

This is a non-starter, and you know it. But the palpable sexual chemistry will power you on for a bit. It's probably already too late for you to not now spend the rest of your life unfavourably comparing every other woman to her. Poor them.

If I can leave you with just one thing, it's this - she shits just like the rest of us, Darren.

billy1966 · 03/05/2021 03:48

This is your gut screaming at you that she is a self absorbed twit.

She at least has been honest that her moral compass is non existent.

But she is beautiful and the hot chemistry is a BIG lure.

You are undoubtedly going to be shat on from a height but I sense you still want to see where this takes you.

You are going to get burned badly and are wasting time when you could have been meeting better matches, but at least you have been warned.

Flowers
Original poster
SunnyDarren123 · 03/05/2021 07:18

@RachelRaven

GF admits she still loves BF2 Read this again. Then block and delete.
I've not faced this situation before. She said she is falling for me and that I'm making her forget he ex. I guess I'd hoped that was true..
OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/05/2021 07:29

What does she need to 'forget' him? Why not simply confine him largely to the past in order to explore a new relationship - y'know, how normal people do? It'd mean less work for you . . . Oh. I see.

Original poster
SunnyDarren123 · 03/05/2021 07:31

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

Christ, Darren - catch yourself on. I suspect neither I nor anyone on here can help you: for my part because you sound like you're in thrall to this Fanny Enchantress who is beautiful and Helps The Aged, whereas I've met a few women like her and ultimately - they're all frigging tiresome children with not much to recommend them.

This is a non-starter, and you know it. But the palpable sexual chemistry will power you on for a bit. It's probably already too late for you to not now spend the rest of your life unfavourably comparing every other woman to her. Poor them.

If I can leave you with just one thing, it's this - she shits just like the rest of us, Darren.

I guess the fact I've posted on here to start with is a sign that this has no future. I'm a little gutted because before learning this stuff everything was great. We'd speak for 4,5,6 hours at a time on the phone.

I don't want to compare future women to her but I did ask myself if that good a connection comes about often.

I guess I'm looking for help to get my head out of this. What makes you say women like this are like children?

Thank you for your thoughts and honesty

OP posts:
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 03/05/2021 07:34

She sounds like a vile person. Any woman who can have an affair with a married man while his wife sits at home with their baby is scum. You fancy her, so you’ve pushed aside in your mind what an unpleasant and immoral person she is. It suits your narrative better for her to be lovely and misunderstood. But that’s just not the truth. She’s a manipulative nasty person who will chew you up and spit you out when she’s done with you. And you’re going into it eyes open, knowing she loves someone else. Good luck is all I can say Confused

Original poster
SunnyDarren123 · 03/05/2021 07:35

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

What does she need to 'forget' him? Why not simply confine him largely to the past in order to explore a new relationship - y'know, how normal people do? It'd mean less work for you . . . Oh. I see.
Wants me to jump through hoops you mean?

She says she's not felt like this about someone since BF2, and that she didn't think she could feel like this for someone again.

Just empty words you think?
Or words of someone with unresolved issues?

OP posts:
KinseyWinsey · 03/05/2021 07:36

She will cheat on you.

She will also say she told you affairs were possible so therefore you knew she would cheat on you but you still went for it.

So it'll be on you. In her eyes anyway.

Nbnbnb · 03/05/2021 07:37

What was a triangle of 'love', will soon become a rectangle of love.

Please don't be the unwitting pawn.

She loves the drama. All of it.

Nbnbnb · 03/05/2021 07:38

She's using you as collectibles, whilst clinging onto the little girl lost narrative.

joystir59 · 03/05/2021 07:39

I've never started a relationship with someone who goes on and on about previous partners and is still in love with one of them. It is very unappealing to me. But crack on ..

Original poster
SunnyDarren123 · 03/05/2021 07:42

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

She sounds like a vile person. Any woman who can have an affair with a married man while his wife sits at home with their baby is scum. You fancy her, so you’ve pushed aside in your mind what an unpleasant and immoral person she is. It suits your narrative better for her to be lovely and misunderstood. But that’s just not the truth. She’s a manipulative nasty person who will chew you up and spit you out when she’s done with you. And you’re going into it eyes open, knowing she loves someone else. Good luck is all I can say Confused
I don't want to push it aside. I posted here to get a neutral view. She says she feels incredibly guilty about it; that karma will come back to her for it; that she may never feel like that for someonw again (but then she feels like she could for me).

She says she's always been one to NoT express feelings but with me she finds herself telling me how she feels about me.

I just didn't know if all that means she has learned from her past?

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/05/2021 07:45

  1. I mean she thinks she's very sophisticated, but in fact has an incredibly adolescent view of relationships.

  2. Yes; I absolutely mean she makes you jump through hoops. She obviously believes any man worth his salt has to either be won in battle, or be prepared to constantly compete with the spectres of past boyfriends. What a fucking enormous drag.

'She's not felt like this about someone since BF2, and that she didn't think she could feel like this for someone again.'

Nice juicy, promising piece of bait she's dangling there.

Makes me want to sink to my knees and thank God I've never met her. C'mon, Darren. You can do better than this silly little girl.

Almost makes me relieved I'm plain.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/05/2021 07:50

Oh, I'm certain she's learned from her past. This right here is a frigging masterclass: 'How To Dangle Men: 101'.

Quite a lot of women can see right through it; a disappointingly low number of men do.

Isadora2007 · 03/05/2021 07:50

@SunnyDarren123
Your gut is telling you this isn’t quite right. Your hormones are trying to override this instinct as they want you to mindlessly shah her anyway. But you sound like a decent and honest guy so you WILL get hurt. Yes it’s okay to have baggage and a GF who can talk about her last isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all. But what this one is saying IS bad news- and she’s not over BF2 and she has disgusting morals (or none).
Tell her that if she is in any way serious about a future with you she can get counselling and contact you down the line once she has resolved her issues as you’re not her social experiment. Have some dignity and self respect as you are worth so much more.

SortingItOut · 03/05/2021 07:50

She is love bombing you with phrases like 'she's never felt like this about anyone since BF2' and 'i never discuss my feelings with anyone but I can with you'

She wants you to feel special and wanted so you fall for her.

Why are you having these 4-6 hour phone calls?
In the early stages of dating no one does that and no one pours their heart out about previous relationships either. Seems like an oversharer to me.
Have you even met or has this connection happened by phone calls and messages? This relationship isn't real until you've met.

thenewduchessofhastings · 03/05/2021 07:53

@SunnyDarren123

Why have you even posted here?

You're clearly not going to walk away from her and you defend her even at every turn even though everyone has warned you she is a mess and the situation is a mess.

She must have a golden snatch or something as your determine go get your heartbroken and be messed about and most likely cheated on.

It's your funeral but if your looking for validation that you should carry on with little miss if the dick fits I'll sits then you won't find it on netmums.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/05/2021 08:01

@thenewduchessofhastings

In fairness, he might find it on 'Netmums'. There's a slew of likely cheerleaders for this type of tank behaviour, on there . . . 🤣