Advice please - handling OH baggage

[SunnyDarren123]

Hi all, first time poster needing advice.

I met a girl (GF) on a dating app 3 months ago. We got on amazingly well, the connection was great: the laughter, the sensitive talks, deep and meaningfuls, talking about our fears and desires. Conversations were so easy.

She told me so much about her father passing away when she was 17.

Eventually we told each other about our past relationships and that's where my uncertainty lies.

This is basically what GF told me....

She had a boyfriend at university (BF1).

In 2014, aged 23, she dated a guy (BF2) for 2 years who was her best friend during university. But it started as an affair Because BF2 was in a relationship which GF knew about. So she was complicit in BF2 cheating. She calls him her first love/greatest love but it didn't work out cos she couldn't commit in the way BF2 wanted to.

BF2 got back with girl he'd cheated on, married her in 2017 and had a child in 2019.

Also in 2019 my GF told BF2 Alle feelings she'd had for him when they first dated and they then had a 6 month affair, after he's become a dad.

Eventually GF breaks off the affair and goes back to dating BF1, her uni boyfriend, for a year. That ended in December.

It's been 2 years but BF2 still contacts GF by email and even calls her mum occasionally!

GF admits she still loves BF2.

And this weekend the uni ex BF1, invited her to see his new flat and she intended to go until other plans got in the way.

SO... With the tendency to go back to ex's; the history of being complicit in affairs; not cutting off contact the ex's.... Should I persist? I really like GF.

All views/warnings welcome. Please be honest.

Thank you for bearing with me during my long post

The lass clearly has what we in the trade call ‘daddy issues’. There is a significant age gap between you from your description, and you have noticed a pattern in your relationships ie women with absent fathers. I don’t think this relationship is going to make you happy as it feels very much as though it’s the attention from you and your desire she wants rather than a relationship of equals. You are also idealising her.

Either she knows/or hopes telling guys about her relationships with exes could have a particular effect, in which case that’s manipulation, or she’s just not thinking about the fact that this is not a (repeated) conversation that is to help build a relationship with a new bf, in which case asking her to tone it down might be helpful. It’s all a bit high drama and needy and immature but she might work through that ok on her own or with non-romantically involved friends. Or not. From your point of view I wouldn’t get too heavily invested while she figures it all out.

What trade would that be then @Craftycorvid because the term 'daddy issues' is a quite loaded, pejorative one, with very negative and often sexist/misogynistic undertones and not used in any professional setting I'm aware of.

You sound like a bloke I met a while back - going on about his ‘crazy’ ex who was a massive head fuck - and very young/hot. He had decided he probably ought to go out with someone closer to his own age - like he was prepared to settle for a boring old lady in order to get some peace.

I told him I didn’t think we were suited. If someone is really into you, they won’t be giving their ex a second thought - and being second best ought to be a turn off, rather than a turn on.

I've got lots of male friends. Some of them might fancy me, I don't know because I'm not interested - I'm happy in my (long-term) relationship and in myself and I don't need additional validation.
If one of them was meeting up with me without his partner's knowledge or I realised he was trying to avoid us meeting, I'd edge him out. Because I dislike men who don't treat their partners with respect.

The ‘tongue somewhat in cheek’ trade, Candy and folks of all genders can definitely have deep-seated relational problems that began with their first relationship with their parents.

@Craftycorvid

The ‘tongue somewhat in cheek’ trade, Candy and folks of all genders can definitely have deep-seated relational problems that began with their first relationship with their parents.

Calling it 'daddy issues' is dismissive, sexist, misogynistic and pejorative as previously stated. Please don't use it. It's offensive.

@CandyLeBonBon

It sounds like she has a desperate need for validation and is engaging in triangulation which is designed to keep you working hard to please her and keep your energy, time and attention focused on feeding her ego.

I just looked up triangulation. Some situations definitely feel like this. I don't know what she needs validation for.

@SunnyDarren123 there could be very deep seated abandonment issues. My ex (male) lost his parents when he was you g and he put me through a lot of these types of behaviours - it fills the emotional void. It helps to bolster their ego and it boosts the serotonin and dopamine that make them feel good about themselves.

It's also a massive headfuck for anyone involved with them romantically because nothing you give is ever enough to fill the hole.

I could be projecting but that's how it reads to me, based on what you've written.

@category12

Thing is, you can't sort another person's shit out. They have to do it for themselves or it doesn't stick.

In which case telling me that I'm helping her forget the ex, or saying that BF2 is the love of her life doesn't sound like she's trying to sort her shit out...does it? It's all very much present, front and centre even after 2 years since the affair and a failed attempt to get back with BF1.

@Craftycorvid

The lass clearly has what we in the trade call ‘daddy issues’. There is a significant age gap between you from your description, and you have noticed a pattern in your relationships ie women with absent fathers. I don’t think this relationship is going to make you happy as it feels very much as though it’s the attention from you and your desire she wants rather than a relationship of equals. You are also idealising her.

Attention seeking seems possible. Which is a horrible feeling after making the effort I did.

Yes maybe I am idealising her. Probably because before the ex's came up in convo, she seemed ideal.
And this is a massive spanner in the works

@SeaShoreGalore

You sound like a bloke I met a while back - going on about his ‘crazy’ ex who was a massive head fuck - and very young/hot. He had decided he probably ought to go out with someone closer to his own age - like he was prepared to settle for a boring old lady in order to get some peace.

I told him I didn’t think we were suited. If someone is really into you, they won’t be giving their ex a second thought - and being second best ought to be a turn off, rather than a turn on.

If all my experiences had been with younger women I'd address that. But actually of the women I've come across with these issues its exactly 50/50, 5-6 years younger or exactly my age.

I'm just on a run of bad luck I guess

@SeaShoreGalore

You sound like a bloke I met a while back - going on about his ‘crazy’ ex who was a massive head fuck - and very young/hot. He had decided he probably ought to go out with someone closer to his own age - like he was prepared to settle for a boring old lady in order to get some peace.

I told him I didn’t think we were suited. If someone is really into you, they won’t be giving their ex a second thought - and being second best ought to be a turn off, rather than a turn on.

Being 2nd best definitely isn't a turn on. But part of me hoped the issues weren't as serious/deep routed as they seem to be.

@fizzywaterplease

I've got lots of male friends. Some of them might fancy me, I don't know because I'm not interested - I'm happy in my (long-term) relationship and in myself and I don't need additional validation. If one of them was meeting up with me without his partner's knowledge or I realised he was trying to avoid us meeting, I'd edge him out. Because I dislike men who don't treat their partners with respect.

@CandyLeBonBon The more I think about it the more things make sense.

There's a male friend whose fiancé doesn't like GF despite only having met once. Either GF made a bad impression or the male friend (who has said he wishes they'd for together) has said something inappropriate to his fiancé

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@SunnyDarren123 there could be very deep seated abandonment issues. My ex (male) lost his parents when he was you g and he put me through a lot of these types of behaviours - it fills the emotional void. It helps to bolster their ego and it boosts the serotonin and dopamine that make them feel good about themselves.

It's also a massive headfuck for anyone involved with them romantically because nothing you give is ever enough to fill the hole.

I could be projecting but that's how it reads to me, based on what you've written. [/quote]
You seem to be on the ball.

In addition to romantic attention, Could this void also be attempted to be filled by an overly excessively busy social life?
I'm talking frequently having 2-3 social commitments a day or 5-6 nights out per week, despite living with family.

Literally always on the go to the extent that down time is barely existent.

Absolutely 100%. That and fear of being alone.

But also, please bear in mind that there are a number of reasons that could also be, so I wouldn't want to misinform.

As an example, I am diagnosed with EUPD and it manifests similarly. I have had to do a HUGE amount of work in myself to make sure I don't slip into destructive behaviours. Historic relationships were chaotic and toxic and ultimately very damaging.

Childhood trauma is very closely associated with EUPD and other mental health diagnoses, and narcissistic personality disorder is also a cluster b diagnosis that has negative snd destructive traits.

I'm not trying to be an armchair psychologist, but the traits you've mentioned would definitely make me wary. Ultimately, if she's in the midst of this chaos and can't see how toxic it is, then you have no hope.

If she's self aware and working on herself then it's a different situation.

Doesn't sound like it though.

@CandyLeBonBon

Absolutely 100%. That and fear of being alone.

But also, please bear in mind that there are a number of reasons that could also be, so I wouldn't want to misinform.

As an example, I am diagnosed with EUPD and it manifests similarly. I have had to do a HUGE amount of work in myself to make sure I don't slip into destructive behaviours. Historic relationships were chaotic and toxic and ultimately very damaging.

Childhood trauma is very closely associated with EUPD and other mental health diagnoses, and narcissistic personality disorder is also a cluster b diagnosis that has negative snd destructive traits.

I'm not trying to be an armchair psychologist, but the traits you've mentioned would definitely make me wary. Ultimately, if she's in the midst of this chaos and can't see how toxic it is, then you have no hope.

If she's self aware and working on herself then it's a different situation.

Doesn't sound like it though.

I don't recall her ever spending time alone. Days like today which were set aside for herself, suddenly have multiple social commitments.

She said she is falling for me and that I'm making her forget he ex.

I bet she’s used this ego massage bulshit previously and she will keep on using it because it appeals to guys with saviour complexes.

If you want to go on a emotional rollercoaster, knock yourself out.

@SunnyDarren123

Honestly, much as I understand the tortured soul searching, to try snd find a hidden solution, I really really think, in this instance, you need to walk away. None of it will make sense. You will be back here in 6 months begging for help to understand how you got so low.

Don't do it to yourself.

Run away run far far away change galaxies if you have to but this is not a person for you

I'm a bit confused by people's responses here. From what I'm reading this girl has only had 2 significant relationships since 18yo. She has never cheated on anyone and she is being upfront and honest with you about her history. And she's not wrong, affairs do happen. It doesn't mean she's going to cheat on you. If you want someone spotless then go find a virgin. Or, you know, open your mind and stop being so judgemental.

@BadNomad

I'm a bit confused by people's responses here. From what I'm reading this girl has only had 2 significant relationships since 18yo. She has never cheated on anyone and she is being upfront and honest with you about her history. And she's not wrong, affairs do happen. It doesn't mean she's going to cheat on you. If you want someone spotless then go find a virgin. Or, you know, open your mind and stop being so judgemental.

There's a lot of red flags in her behaviour. Nothing judgmental about protecting yourself from potential harm.

Run away. Very fast. Don't look back.

She's a maneater, she will chew you up and spit you out.

Really you don't need the pain.

@ShatnersWig

Run away. Very fast. Don't look back.

What's your take? For the same reasons people have mentioned above already?