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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Times have changed and the origins of my relationship are... Unravelling

116 replies

Belltolls · 01/05/2021 17:07

Over the last year or so I have been thinking increasingly about the origins of my relationship. I basically got involved with my DH when I was 15/16 (nothing Sexual happened till I was well past 16). Ten years older than me, had his own car, good job, decent bloke, still is. Met him because he was a coach in the team I played on.
Been together fairly happily for twenty years.
But, now I have twins approaching that age and I'm kind of horrified at the thought that they might do this. It's really really confusing. I got married at 22, no one ever really said anything to me about my relationship being inappropriate?! Is it? Was it?
I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams here.

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 17:10

You were 15 and he was 25? Definitely inappropriate

Starstruck2021 · 01/05/2021 17:11

Why do you think no one said anything if you were only 15 or 16?

Starstruck2021 · 01/05/2021 17:12

What did your parents think?

HenryHooverIII · 01/05/2021 17:13

How do you feel about your relationship now? Do you feel like your DH took advantage of you?

Being perfectly honest, I don't think I would be comfortable with my kids settling down into a long term relationship at 15, regardless of how old their partner was.

Belltolls · 01/05/2021 17:16

We weren't really going out as such at 15, it was more talking together a lot, phoning and stuff. In fact I don't even think we held hands. But anyone watching now or then would be able to obviously see that two people were spending a lot of time on the sidelines together, talking when it wasn't particularly necessary... I was definitely a fair way into the sixth form when we first kissed. It was only slightly embarrassing for about two weeks when we came out as being together. Most people just sort of gave a wink and a nudge and that was that.

OP posts:
Belltolls · 01/05/2021 17:19

I honestly don't know if I was or am still being taken advantage of, twenty years on... He wasn't and isn't some massively experienced casanova (quite the opposite). I do sometimes think about what I would have been like if I had ever lived on my own or found my own way in the world if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 17:23

Is he at all controlling? Have you been able to go out/away /do things with peers without him throughput the years?

Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 17:26

A 25 year old mangeooming a 15 year old child. That's what all that hanging out and talking was, grooming.

Think of it this way, at 25 would you have spent that time with a teenage boy?

How would you feel if a 25 year old was talking to your 15 year old child?

Not only that, he was in a position of trust which he abused.

And I'd also be wondering if young girls were the reason why he was coaching that team in the first place.

It's not on. And I can see why its playing on your mind.

Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 17:26
  • man grooming
therocinante · 01/05/2021 17:29

Your age and the fact that he was a coach on the team does give me a bit of a chill, because he was in a position of both power and vastly more social/life experience than you. The fact that not much happened for a long time could be worse or better - respectful of the huge age difference and your space, or a pattern of grooming by letting things happen so slowly you didn't question it? Nobody is going to know except you and your DH. If it were one of your daughters I'd expect you to feel very uncomfortable with that.

BUT.

(And this is a big but, and it's not excusing it nor is it a get out clause for predatory men everywhere, or indeed men like your DH who seem like good men who behave in a way which is predatory, hopefully unintentionally)

I've known very immature 25 year old men, with poor social skills, who would be at a social and conversational level of a teenage girl and who were too intimidated by women their own age. It's gross, and it still isn't right, but it's definitely something that I've seen anecdotally.

If you've got no concerns about your DH's behaviour since then, he's not controlling or obsessed with your comparative age/youthfulness, there isn't a pattern of 'older and more experienced' telling you what to do or say or wear, he is a good and respectful husband and he doesn't display poor attitudes towards women generally (I assume not as you're still married!)... I'd chalk it up to something that in retrospect isn't the most advisable thing but that you have grown into equal adults with a fair, equitable partnership. And that's a good thing.

I sense that you're shaken a bit by this though. Why is that? Do you feel like you glossed over specific aspects of how you got together that feel not-great in retrospect, or do you just think the changed social perspective these days has made you look at it with fresh eyes?

minisoksmakehardwork · 01/05/2021 17:30

A friend of mine was 15 when she met her husband. They too married young (she at 22, he's about 3 years older). They met through their church so no one has ever batted an eyelid.

I think the reason you're thinking about it is because if you think about it being your own kids being with their coach, who was 10 years older, it feels wrong. Like the man taking advantage. If you had met a year later and outside a mutual interest - where one person wasn't in a position of power over the other, it wouldn't feel wrong.

Ultimately only you know whether your husband was in the position of taking advantage of a young girl.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/05/2021 17:31

@Cloudfrost

You were 15 and he was 25? Definitely inappropriate
They didn't have sex.
Butwasitherdriveway · 01/05/2021 17:32

@Wanderlusto

A 25 year old mangeooming a 15 year old child. That's what all that hanging out and talking was, grooming.

Think of it this way, at 25 would you have spent that time with a teenage boy?

How would you feel if a 25 year old was talking to your 15 year old child?

Not only that, he was in a position of trust which he abused.

And I'd also be wondering if young girls were the reason why he was coaching that team in the first place.

It's not on. And I can see why its playing on your mind.

Please stop making up that her husband is a grooming paedoohile who coached for that reason. These are real people.

He did nothing wrong.

Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 17:37

He most certainly DID do something wrong.

Nothing wrong? Fuck me, are you living in a dream world?!

I'm sure his old employers would have taken a very different idea to you.

Yes people make mistakes, but taking advantage if a position of power to spend time with a young girl with romantic intent (whether he waited a bit if have sex or not) is most definately wrong! Like a big bold WRONG with cherries on top.

Belltolls · 01/05/2021 17:38

I haven't really done anything that my friends have done... Clubbing (never been), holidays with friends (nope), nights out (can count on one hand). I saw a meme on Facebook the other night about being thankful there weren't photos of girls nights out years ago and I cried because I never did that.
But on the other hand, our relationship is OK, our children are wonderful.
But @therocinante you're right I am shaken by it, and it is affecting our relationship because I am doubting everything now and now I'm getting older I can see how I have missed out on a lot of things I should have tried. But being fair, I might not have liked those things anyway?!

OP posts:
SamBeckettsLastLeap · 01/05/2021 17:39

I'm a similar age, at 15/16 we only dated boys with cars, no one thought anything of it, we also dated people in positions of power ,again no one thought anything of it. Looking back so much was wrong.
At the time we didn't feel that there was anything wrong but I would not think it was right now

Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 17:40

Couldn't you have done those things whilst married? Why is it that marriage would prevent girls nights out or holidays with friends?

Has he stopped you making friends?

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 01/05/2021 17:41

How come you didn’t get to go and do those things, OP? Did he stop you?

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/05/2021 17:43

@Wanderlusto

He most certainly DID do something wrong.

Nothing wrong? Fuck me, are you living in a dream world?!

I'm sure his old employers would have taken a very different idea to you.

Yes people make mistakes, but taking advantage if a position of power to spend time with a young girl with romantic intent (whether he waited a bit if have sex or not) is most definately wrong! Like a big bold WRONG with cherries on top.

Can you please remember this is her bloody husband of ten years??
DinosaurDiana · 01/05/2021 17:44

There is a similar age gap between me and DH, and I met him when I was 16. Had sex at 17. I didn’t see anything wrong with it at the time, married aged 22.
Looking back my only regret is that I didn’t have sex with a younger man. When I got with my DH he wasn’t that rampant, and it got less over time as he got older.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/05/2021 17:44

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

How come you didn’t get to go and do those things, OP? Did he stop you?
Why are we all trying to paint this man as controling ?

She had kids!

Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 17:44

Yes as pp said I remember looking back it was very common for older men to hit on teenage girls. I remember msn being crawling with that sort of thing for a start!

Now I look back and see how bloody creepy it was. Just because there were a lot of them getting away with it being paedos, doesn't mean it was ok.

Belltolls · 01/05/2021 17:44

He didn't really stop me, I just sort of fitted in with what he wanted and he didn't ever want to go out. I did want to dance, I love dancing but he doesn't. We just watch films and stuff inside instead.

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 17:44

But it was your right to experience things and make your own choices about what you liked! Why didn't you do any of these things though? Did he not allow you to, or did he convince you in some way not to do it? Your crying at that meme suggests that the relationship is the reason why you didn't try these things

How about starting to try out the things you feel you have missed out on now? It's never too late for new experiences

Wastedusername · 01/05/2021 17:46

Yes, why didn't you do those things with friends? Most of us had relationships at that age but still had friends and had nights out with our friends despite being in a relationship. Do you have friends now? Do you have nights out with your friends now?

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