Times have changed and the origins of my relationship are... Unravelling

[Belltolls]

Over the last year or so I have been thinking increasingly about the origins of my relationship. I basically got involved with my DH when I was 15/16 (nothing Sexual happened till I was well past 16). Ten years older than me, had his own car, good job, decent bloke, still is. Met him because he was a coach in the team I played on.
Been together fairly happily for twenty years.
But, now I have twins approaching that age and I'm kind of horrified at the thought that they might do this. It's really really confusing. I got married at 22, no one ever really said anything to me about my relationship being inappropriate?! Is it? Was it?
I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams here.

There is a certain real life TV programme where the mother was pregnant at 14 I believe, yet there seems to be no problem there.
Yes, my comment will be pulled. Let’s see how long it takes.

Were you ever able to finish school, train or go to uni? Did you ever have a job? Go flatting?

Or did he bags you at 15 and then you married and became a SAHM?

I'm fairly at a 26/7 year old man having sex with a girl in her mid teens whom he met through a role in a position of authority.

Was he a volunteer coach or is that his job? Does he still coach?

@Wanderlusto

Yes as pp said I remember looking back it was very common for older men to hit on teenage girls. I remember msn being crawling with that sort of thing for a start!

Now I look back and see how bloody creepy it was. Just because there were a lot of them getting away with it being paedos, doesn't mean it was ok.

He isn't a paedophile.

@DinosaurDiana underage pregnancies do happen but it also depends the age of the baby's father

Maybe he thought it would be easier to get a 16 year old to just sort of 'fit in' with what he wanted, than a woman his own age.

Why not start to do those things you want to do now OP? You still can. Do you have friends OP? If not, go out and make some. It takes time and effort but it is well worth it.

If you like dancing take up dance classes or look for a 5 rhythms class near you ( that's a free style class - they play music and you dance however you like! ) Or biodanza ( I didn't like that but some love it).
Start living the life you wanted now.

Not too late to do all that and other things to work out who you really are - likley to have a massive impact on the relationship though. But to be frank an "ok" relationship isnt' really one to give up the rest of your life for?

Hes a good man. He still coaches but for a totally different age group now!
I have had jobs, studied for a degree etc (although every weekend was spent with him so I never really had any university friends). I don't think he hugely stopped me from socialising and I don't particularly remember huge arguments where I was trying to do things and he stopped me... Its just that I didn't do those things because I was with him, and he didn't do thise things. Its more than likely my own silly fault for not taking the bull by the horns myself and just going out.

It feels wrong because it would now be illegal. The law has changed since you married your DH. Now it would be illegal for your DH to have sex with a person he was in a position of authority over until they were 18 years old. The law recognised the imbalance of power. I wonder if now you're realising there is an imbalance in your relationship still.

[quote Cloudfrost]@DinosaurDiana underage pregnancies do happen but it also depends the age of the baby's father[/quote]
The dad was 5 years older.

Looking back now, do you think he did stop you having nights out with friends? How would he react if you said you wanted to do that now? You’re still only 36. You can go and do this stuff.

I would have been uneasy with this 20 years ago maybe I would have been very uneasy depending on the exact circumstances. Now I would say it was wrong. Attitudes have definitely changed over the time scale you mention which is perhaps why you are questioning yours actions.

There is 100% an imbalance of power. There always has been based on age and financial reasons. However, I am not living in poverty (in fact I am living in a nice house with a nice garden in a nice area and may not have been able to do that on my own anyway?). He's a nice man, good salary. In fact him being older than me meant we were able to get on the property ladder sooner than most of my friends.
There is no doubt that in many ways I have benefitted from the relationship (looking at it from a transactional perspective).

@Measureformeasure

It feels wrong because it would now be illegal. The law has changed since you married your DH. Now it would be illegal for your DH to have sex with a person he was in a position of authority over until they were 18 years old. The law recognised the imbalance of power. I wonder if now you're realising there is an imbalance in your relationship still.

I came to say similar. It was wrong in the same way teachers cannot go after sixth formers. It is more than simply about age, although at 15 and 25 that is also a factor.

Are you like me, and can see that as he ages the age gap seems to get wider ?

OP I would suggest that you speak to a counsellor about your mixed feelings on your relationship. I think you need an experienced person to help you unravel the dynamic between you, and space to explore if you want to try the things you missed out on when younger, like travelling or whatever. I think as helpful as posters are on here on this kind of issue you will get one half saying "I met my DH when I was seven and he was 92, there was no abuse it was my decision" and the other half screaming grooming if one partner was twenty minutes older than the other.

I am in kind of a similar set up to you, met when I was 19, he was a year older but we came from very different backgrounds (I was from an abusive home) and I was just glad to go along with whatever he wanted as I just so wanted to be loved, it resulted in me having none of the experiences of my friends, going clubbing, travelling in college, He wasn't into that kind of thing so I never did it either and I see now I never really had the space to become who I could have been. He never stopped me, never threatened or anything but I still felt I couldn't go, I felt I could never step outside of what he wanted me to be and in the process I lost a good bit of myself.

Hmm, this is a tricky one and I think only you can really judge based on the relationship then and now.

I went out with a 23 year old when I was 15/16 and I would probably judge that now I'm older. Despite that though, I don't think it was wrong in my circumstance because the guy was very shy and inexperienced and certainly not manipulative or pushing for anything I didn't want to do. If anything I think I didn't treat him with the sensitivity he needed.

We stayed friends for many years after we split up and he was always a very sweet and respectful person.

It does skew it a bit that there was, and still is, a power balance though.

To me it isn't about age per se, it's about the power differential inherent in the context in which the relationship developed. That is what I would be concerned about if you had been my child.

Have you thought about processing your feelings with a counsellor? It's completely understandable this is tricky for you now with your own child reaching this age.

I think it's important to acknowledge that sometimes people of different ages, one of whom happens to be in a position of relative authority fall in love. It's not necessarily an abuse of power. And by your description he didn't abuse that power at all but kept things at a level of friendship for a long time until it was appropriate.

It's important to be vigilant around coaches and teachers and youth leaders and to call out any abusive behaviour, but I think it's also reasonable to accept that sometimes people genuinely fall in love, despite an age gap.

@Wanderlusto

He most certainly DID do something wrong.

Nothing wrong? Fuck me, are you living in a dream world?!

I'm sure his old employers would have taken a very different idea to you.

Yes people make mistakes, but taking advantage if a position of power to spend time with a young girl with romantic intent (whether he waited a bit if have sex or not) is most definately wrong! Like a big bold WRONG with cherries on top.

Get a grip. There are exceptions to every situation. She was of legal age when they kissed. They dated for years then married. Been married years.

That's not some deviant abuser.

Ridiculous.

Op, be careful not to project stuff onto an innocent situation

You're not really waxing lyrical about your relationship.... 'ok' is the extent of it. So hard to say if its truly worrying or not.

Have you been able to have further education, pursue a career, have money of your own, travel etc?

Is housework and childcare shared fairly? Do you have access to and understanding if all the family money? Do you get a say in house decoration, car buying, where you live etc? Do you enjoy sex with him?

These would be the questions I would ask when deciding if this relationship is abusive or not.

No one has mentioned it but I think it is because your twins are coming to that age. You look at them and realise how young you were. I thought about this especially when I had DD as a teenager. She has three older brothers but it was more evident when she was coming up to 17. I had a relationship with someone who was 24/25 and he was a teacher but not at the school I was at. There was also a young PE teacher at our school dating one of the girls in my class( 6th form) he wasn’t supposed to and a group of us knew but he wasn’t found out.

Remember too some young men are much younger than others in emotional maturity as age doesn’t quantify maturity. I was very mature for my age and so was the other girl. We both had a lot of responsibility at home whereas some girls in our class still weren’t allowed to go to the shops on a Saturday. I was there doing all the family shopping then later on I could meet my friends.
I think looking at your own kids makes you question it but perhaps he wasn’t a very mature young man. Things were different then.
I knew someone who was 21 and spotted a young girl 16 on her first week at work and he told me it was love at first sight and he asked her out within the week. I went to their Golden Anniversary and he still adored her. It was wonderful to see the love they shared.
You have had twenty good years you might not have had such a good life with someone else. I would count your blessings and you can go and do some of those things now. I also didn’t do a lot of them but that was to do with family and where we lived. I know a couple that started dance lessons in a group of mature people when they were well into their sixties. Join a class😄

He groomed you. He was a 25 year old man who abused his position of trust and authority as a sports coach to pursue a relationship with a child. I can’t believe your parents allowed this to continue.

From your replies it still sounds as though there is an imbalance of power and he has prevented you from making friends all your adult life. Do you have a career? I’m really concerned about you and the children he coaches. Please leave him.

He is not a “good man.” Good men don’t abuse children. I just read your post again and noticed you have teen twins. Do you worry he might groom their friends?

There are plenty of men who like to 'get them young' so they can mould a girl into what they want. They don't want to have to deal with a grown woman, a woman with experience, opinions, boundaries and a mind of her own.

The singer PJ Proby, whose first wife was 16 and second wife was 17, actually said "I like that they're young and fresh-looking and don't come with baggage – nobody's messed with their heart and broken it. They're still in school so I can have a hand in their education and make sure their grades are all right, make sure the way they think about religion is all right, and what is and isn't proper."

The fact you've never had girls' nights out, weekends away etc. would be fine if you were happy about that, but you cried at a meme. You say that materially you have benefitted, but a gilded cage is still a cage.

I agree that professional counselling would be a good idea, just you though, not couple's counselling.

Coaches are similar to teachers, relationships with students is not allowed, an adult in a position of trust must not have any sexual activity with someone under the age of 18.

Good adults don’t persue sexual relationships with children.