Times have changed and the origins of my relationship are... Unravelling

[Belltolls]

Over the last year or so I have been thinking increasingly about the origins of my relationship. I basically got involved with my DH when I was 15/16 (nothing Sexual happened till I was well past 16). Ten years older than me, had his own car, good job, decent bloke, still is. Met him because he was a coach in the team I played on.
Been together fairly happily for twenty years.
But, now I have twins approaching that age and I'm kind of horrified at the thought that they might do this. It's really really confusing. I got married at 22, no one ever really said anything to me about my relationship being inappropriate?! Is it? Was it?
I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams here.

It disturbs me that some posters think it’s fine that a 26 year old man had sex with a 16 year old child and then didn’t allow her to do many things without him. How would posters feel if a 24 year old man “dated” a 14 year old? Same age gap.

OP, do you have a career or are you financially dependent on your husband? Do you regularly go out and do things without him or does he always want to be there?

@takemetothelakes

Aw OK. Let's just call him a paedophile and it inappropriate. That will fix the fact he's her husband.

Nothing about her OP suggests it's inappropriate. It just sounds as if she's bored in her marriage and allowing people to say as they like.

He has turned out to be fine op.
I dont think you should take that away from him. That wouldnt be fair on any of you, most of all him.

Yes, nowadays, it would be seen as inappropriate though.

Havent read all the thread, but his actions have shown that he didnt have bad intentions, so I think you should relax and be happy. He has earned your trust unless you know differently.

[quote Butwasitherdriveway]@takemetothelakes

Aw OK. Let's just call him a paedophile and it inappropriate. That will fix the fact he's her husband.

Nothing about her OP suggests it's inappropriate. It just sounds as if she's bored in her marriage and allowing people to say as they like.[/quote]
He's not a paedophile from what the op has said because actually there is a very clear definition of what a paedophile is.

However, as a professional involved in safeguarding, what he did was very worrying.

@takemetothelakes my point was many PPs habe called him that and OP.seems fine with this.

[quote Butwasitherdriveway]@takemetothelakes my point was many PPs habe called him that and OP.seems fine with this.[/quote]
I get that but I think she needs to be able to process her thoughts without feeling guilty for them or having to defend him.

@lightand

He has turned out to be fine op. I dont think you should take that away from him. That wouldnt be fair on any of you, most of all him.

Yes, nowadays, it would be seen as inappropriate though.

Havent read all the thread, but his actions have shown that he didnt have bad intentions, so I think you should relax and be happy. He has earned your trust unless you know differently.

You can't possibly know any of that though, how do you know he hasn't continued grooming teenagers?

It disturbs me that some posters think it’s fine that a 26 year old man had sex with a 16 year old child and then didn’t allow her to do many things without him. How would posters feel if a 24 year old man “dated” a 14 year old? Same age gap.

There is a big difference between a 14 yo and a 16 yo. Developmentally and legally. Your point is needlessly goady. And no one on this thread thinks that what happened was "fine". However given that what's done is done, he is by all accounts a decent husband and he hasn't spent the rest of his life pursuing teenagers, the balance of probabilities is that he genuinely fell for OP, but under circumstances that have raised questions in her mind now.

I don't think it helps to make b&w judgments now. And I say this as someone with very strict and informed views on safeguarding.

I wonder as your kids are older now you’re seeing all the opportunities that they have that you didn’t experience. Maybe you’re regretting not going out more. I met my bf at 16 and we were together until I was 22. There was a smaller age gap of just four year between us. I was with him whilst at university and I missed out on a lot of experiences (he worked in the town that I went to University in), ones that I regret not taking up. Because I spent a lot of time with him. I chose to do this because at the time it was what I wanted. He wasn’t controlling. But now at nearly 40 I look back wishing I’d dated more, gone out more with friends and experienced more. Especially at University. At the time I had a lot of anxiety. I realise this but do regret not taking it in hand and trying to resolve it so I feel I have a lot of regrets. I was never freer than when I was in my late teens and 20s. I think many of us get to any age where we feel regrets for the things we’ve not done. The saying “You only regret the things you don’t do”.

I agree with what Dontbeme said. Hopefully today something would have been said and done

It is not too late to have the experiences that yo feel that you missed out on. However, in order to experience them you, need to prioritise them. You won’t be the first or last woman to sleep walk into a sedentary and uninspiring life. Your future is unwritten.

Errr I am not "allowing" anyone to call my DH anything?! There are a variety of views here and I'm listening to them all. Other people are entitled to post what they like and I am woman enough to ignore them or take them on board. Fortunately a few posters have actually had some decent advice and questioned things in a useful way.

OP it sounds like he might not have been consciously controlling, but that you were keen to please (natural for a teenager with an older man, and especially for a teenager with a difficult home life)

I had a friend who used to date younger girls until he grew up a bit, he referred to it as 'dating Yes girls' ie girls who will go along with everything because they're too young to have really developed their own opinion. Fortunately he matured out of that phase.

It's entirely possible that your husband didn't have the intent of controlling or grooming, but that doesn't mean it was a healthy relationship at the start. Men are less likely to be keen to please and hide their own feelings; they're less likely to realise that it what women are doing. That's one of the reason why consent is so simple on the surface but so misunderstood.

As others have said, counseling might be good for you, and you might find you want a bit of second teenagedom; to go out and experience some things you missed out on. Whether you enjoy it or not isn't that relevant, it's having the chance to try things and decide for yourself that is!

@Belltolls

Errr I am not "allowing" anyone to call my DH anything?! There are a variety of views here and I'm listening to them all. Other people are entitled to post what they like and I am woman enough to ignore them or take them on board. Fortunately a few posters have actually had some decent advice and questioned things in a useful way.

How interesting the only post you challenge is mine, not the ones calling your husband a paedophile?

@takemetothelakes
Definition of grooming
the action by a paedophile of preparing a child for a meeting, especially via an internet chat room, with the intention of committing a sexual offence

Your post says
how do you know he hasn't continued grooming teenagers?

You still want to stand by your post?

@DorisLessingsCat there’s also a difference developmentally between a 16 year old and 18 year old... 16 and 26 year is a HUGE difference. I’m only 24 and it makes sick to the core that someone a few years older than me would groom a teenage school child. He chose a teen to mould into his ideal complaint woman. It seems that OP didn’t live the full uni experience, hanging around friends her own age and embarking on a career for financial independence. This thread makes me sad. I hope OP is able to seek therapy and that OP’s husband doesn’t flirt with his teen DD’s friends.

*compliant not complaint.

[quote lightand]@takemetothelakes
Definition of grooming
the action by a paedophile of preparing a child for a meeting, especially via an internet chat room, with the intention of committing a sexual offence

Your post says
how do you know he hasn't continued grooming teenagers?

You still want to stand by your post?[/quote]
Yes because paedophila relates to prepubescent children and it's not just paedophiles that groom others.

@DorisLessingsCat And I say this as someone with very strict and informed views on safeguarding.

You need to re-do your safeguarding training then. I’m a teacher and we don’t use our position of trust and authority to get close to children. We don’t give students lifts or text them or invite them round to our houses. OP’s husband was and still is a sports coach and he would have lost his job if police found out about what he was doing at the time.

That was abusive 20 years ago and it would be abusive if it happened now. The fact that he's not an ogre is irrelevant.

You've shaped your life into doing things his way. You don't do things he doesn't like, just because he doesn't like them.

How did that happen? Why did you always let him get his way? Why would he not want to do things you like, to make you happy?

Can you start doing things just for you now?

In my opinion there’s no way you can paint a 25 year old man going after a 15 year old girl he coaches as anything other than predatory. The imbalance of power is skewed in so many ways.
My partner is about 7 years older than me but we started going out when I was 22 and he was nearly 29. If we had started going out when I was 15 and he was 22 it would have been completely wrong.

Age gaps in relationships are not inherently wrong - especially when both parties are like, proper adults. A teenage girl and her coach (ten years older and in a position of power over her) is not okay at all. How could he allow himself to pursue you? It’s utterly bizarre to me.

It also sounds like the power imbalance continues through your relationship today. I wouldn’t be ok with it.

The regrets you mention re girls nights out etc could equally apply if your DH had been 18 when you met. It isn't the age difference in itself that led to you avoiding experiences that many people have in their youth.

I'm much older than you so grew up in a time where 14 year old girls having sex with adult men wasn't considered particularly wrong as such, and 16 /17 certainly wasn't. But I do remember most of us felt it wasn't right. A girl in school of 16 had an affair with a teacher. Another girl's mother (herself a teacher) drank in pubs with boys from sixth form (and did more than that we suspected). A girl I knew when we were both 17 had a bf of 25 and we all gossiped about what we thought was wrong with him, though we knew nothing of paedophilia back then.

But your relationship doesn't sound like a case of grooming and you are a long way from being a child now. If you are not happy with it then it's ok to leave. It's ok to have the experiences you feel you missed out on.

Personally I feel 16/17/18 is generally too young to find a life partner, though I do know couples who met around that age who are still together 25, 30 and 40 years later. I wasn't ready by any means, and it's important to me that I spent my 20s partying and having lots of relationships etc. I know people who feel they missed out by not doing so and others that don't.

But only you can decide what you want for yourself. You are questioning it, so maybe seeing a counsellor would help. Just bear in mind we probably all have regrets of one kind or another and life can't be perfect. You don't have to leave your marriage because you've had these thoughts.

In my opinion there’s no way you can paint a 25 year old man going after a 15 year old girl he coaches as anything other than predatory. The imbalance of power is skewed in so many ways.

This. And even if the girl in question was 17 this would still be the case.

I cannot believe there are people here defending this man.

He met her when he was 25 and she was 15. He was in a position of power over her. He spent ages grooming her before anything 'happened'. Of course this is despicable, gross behaviour.

This relationship has caused OP to miss out on normal life experiences. He has basically stolen her youth from her. A normal, healthy mid twenties man would never want a young girl to settle down and play house with him instead of experiencing life, but he was happy for her to do this.

Shame on the husband and shame on OP's parents for failing her so badly.

I wasnt going to say anything more, as I know there will be no point with some posters.

But feel I should say something to you op.
If he was a decent bloke when he was 25, and is still a decent bloke when 45, dont throw all that away op, for what a few other people in life, may or may not be thinking.

They will be long gone in even 1 month's time.
Your life, and that of your family, will not be.