Times have changed and the origins of my relationship are... Unravelling

[Belltolls]

Over the last year or so I have been thinking increasingly about the origins of my relationship. I basically got involved with my DH when I was 15/16 (nothing Sexual happened till I was well past 16). Ten years older than me, had his own car, good job, decent bloke, still is. Met him because he was a coach in the team I played on.
Been together fairly happily for twenty years.
But, now I have twins approaching that age and I'm kind of horrified at the thought that they might do this. It's really really confusing. I got married at 22, no one ever really said anything to me about my relationship being inappropriate?! Is it? Was it?
I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams here.

I stand by my comments. This is someone's life right now. It's not a case study. The man's behaviour was against all safeguarding principles but calling him a paedophile is not backed up by subsequent events. Not everyone who breaks safeguarding principles is a predator, the rules are there for maximum protection of vulnerable people, not because everyone children come into contact with is abusive.

It will not help OP to shriek at her that she was groomed and is a victim of child sex abuse. Plenty of people get married young, have children young and don't have a 20s with nightclubs etc. These are not "normal" life experiences, they are just life experiences.

“I haven't really done anything that my friends have done... Clubbing (never been), holidays with friends (nope), nights out (can count on one hand). I saw a meme on Facebook the other night about being thankful there weren't photos of girls nights out years ago and I cried because I never did that.”

Why haven’t you done those things though, and what would happen if you did them now? The answer to that makes a huge difference.

I’ve been with my DP since I was 16, had DC very young... but I’ve done and still do those in fact and I’m now in my forties.

There are a few things to unpick here.

Is it that you are seeing the origins of your relationship in a new light given the power dynamic and the age difference?

Is your DH controlling, or abusive in any way?

Or is it just that you feel you settled down too soon and missed out on life experiences you wish you’d had? This can happen in any relationship where you get together very young regardless of age differences.

@RUOKHon

There are a few things to unpick here.

Is it that you are seeing the origins of your relationship in a new light given the power dynamic and the age difference?

Is your DH controlling, or abusive in any way?

Or is it just that you feel you settled down too soon and missed out on life experiences you wish you’d had? This can happen in any relationship where you get together very young regardless of age differences.

This

If OP had never mentioned the age gap this would be a different thread.

“I haven't really done anything that my friends have done... Clubbing (never been), holidays with friends (nope), nights out (can count on one hand). I saw a meme on Facebook the other night about being thankful there weren't photos of girls nights out years ago and I cried because I never did that.”

To be fair, I'm early 40s, and apart from nights out (generally with boyfriends at the time) I've not done those things either, and I'm fine with that. I have no desire, and never have had, to go to crowded, noisy clubs when I can go somewhere and actually talk to people. And as to holidays, I had no money, and neither did my friends, so holidays weren't a thing until I was coupled up anyway!

If you want to do them, that's different though, and if your husband is stopping you doing things you want to do then yes, that is huge. And I will say that a 10 year difference, when you met as a child and he was a coach rings a lot of alarm bells.

It's a bit creepy when you look at it with today's standards, but there's lots of things I did that I'd prefer my dc never do. You sound like you missed out on a stage of adolescence though which is a shame. But you're young still, can you forge good friendships and fill in some of the gaps?

Some of you are talking as if it was 100 years ago not 20. The NSPCC child protection in sport unit was set up 20 years ago in 2001 in response to high profile cases of sexual abuse in sport.

thecpsu.org.uk/about-us/

thecpsu.org.uk/resource-library/tools/standards-for-safeguarding-and-protecting-children-in-sport/

“The following standards have been developed in order to help safeguard and protect children and young people in sport. The standards are based on current good practice and are informed by legislation and guidance; evidence from research; and experience of what works, drawing from the field of child protection and from sport.

The need for standards was identified in the Child Protection in Sport Action Plan published in 2000 . Initial work was done by Sport England governing body services, who consulted on Towards a Standard for Sport. This work was taken forward and built on by the Sport Task Force on policy and standards, whose membership is listed at the end of this document.

“There has been extensive consultation on the standards, which has included governing bodies, County Sport Partnership, the chief officers of leisure services, local safeguarding children boards (LSCBs), government departments and all bodies represented on the Sport Steering Group. The standards received strong support from those consulted, and were endorsed by the Steering Group in September 2002”

So It’s simply not true to suggest that 20 years ago it was considered ok for adult coaches to have intimate relationships with 15 year old children and then have sex when they turned 16.

thecpsu.org.uk/resource-library/publications/report-into-child-sexual-abuse-in-sport/

www.iicsa.org.uk/key-documents/19513/view/truth-project-thematic-report-child-sexual-abuse-sports.pdf

“At the start of the 1990s, research began to be developed to explore child protection policies, training programmes and interventions (NCF/NSPCC, 1996). However, the real focus on the agenda of child protection awareness within sport resulted from increased media attention and political pressure following the arrest and conviction of several high-profile sports coaches for serious and systematic sexual abuse of children”

“Perhaps the most high profile of these was in 1995, when former British Olympic swimming coach, Paul Hickson, was jailed for 17 years for the rape of two teenage swimmers and the indecent assault of many other children. Hickson had denied abusing teenagers over a 15-year period when he ran training clubs between 1976 and 1991. The case was said to be “a defining moment in the history of sexual exploitation in sport” (Brackenridge, 2001). Following this, and after a number of years of pressure on government sport authorities by those with little power, such as sports development officers, parents and club officials, a National Child Protection in Sport Task Force was convened by Sport England in 1999 (Brackenridge, 2004). This represented a significant breakthrough in the strategic efforts to deal with sexual exploitation in sport”

“In the late 1990s, child protection initiatives began to slowly develop among frontline sport delivery groups. This led, in 2001, to the development of the jointly-funded NSPCC and Sport England Child Protection in Sport Unit (CPSU), which formed the first government-backed agency with responsibility for safeguarding and child protection in sport (Boocock, 2002)”.

Hi - I think you’re having a mini-mid life crisis!

My Bf was like you... in that she meet her first serious boyfriend at 15... and he was 23. They started a sexual relationship when she was 16. Everyone knew including her mother and his family. I met her at uni... however , one day whilst at uni she suddenly changed... almost over night! She broke it off with him at 23. (Till this day I have no idea why? He was heartbroken. Maybe she felt she was missing out on weekend socialising and going out alone).

He was a good man, a teacher, he loved her very much! My bf then went wild with clubs, holidays and horrible boyfriends. She is now married to a man with no career or money with 2 kids. He is now married to a fellow teacher and has 3 kids.

I think at times she regrets her decision. She still keeps in touch with him. I’m sure she was the love of his life.

He was not controlling or manipulative - he just fell in love.

Only read op's posts, it's tricky for you because you have not blossomed and expanded into your adult self independently, you have been escorted into adulthood and thus your adult self and life has taken on the shape as led and created by your dh.
What and who would you have been without that? You aren't in a position to ever know, the recipe for your life has been proscribed for you. Is that bad? I think it is but now your here is it worth turning your life upside down for? Well, it might be but it's comfy and the risk of breaking free is the massive unknown. You'd lose some things and gain others. You're like a pet bird, well cared for and comfy but not necessarily in touch with all your instincts like your wild cousins are.
Are you content to remain the junior partner in a pair as you have mentioned is the current dynamic? So many big questions.
Settling down with your first love interest at such a young age gives a certain slant to your life experience, which is a less richly varied one, we can appreciate that as an older adult and like you said, is not a life choice we'd want for our children.
I have a friend who met her +10 years dh at 18. 20 years later she was quite a different person to the teen she was then and they no longer wanted the same things. They had a toddler DD and she decided she didn't want him to be her whole future so she needed to set them both free, the split was driven by her but they managed to do it amicably, there were enough differences that he could see the direction things were going, they had a pretty equal power dynamic. Now 8 years on, they have both met new people, she is happily married to new dh who is a much better fit for the person she is now.

A couple of questions:

How does your DH view the early days of your relationship, in hindsight? What does he say attracted him to you?

When you have had disagreements- over anything- child discipline, where to live, whatever- has he always got his own way, or has it felt fairly equal?

My friend in her mid 40s is divorcing her husband who she has been with since she was 16 as she feels like she missed out on her youth with him and that they have grown apart. They are the same age. It doesn't have to be the age difference that stops you doing things.
If you are equals in the marriage and he is a good man then is he an abuser? How does he feel about it? Can you talk about it?

I have this, but less so. I was 21 when I met my partner who is 15 years older. He's a good man and my friends and family really like him and think we're a good match but now I'm 25 and we're engaged with a toddler but even I find 21 year olds young. It does make me feel uncomfortable.

@crackofdoom
How does your DH view the early days of your relationship, in hindsight? What does he say attracted him to you?

That’s a good question and I’d be interested to hear what the Ops husband says.

From listening to children who have been in this situation ( “dating” an adult male ) there seem to be commonalities in what they say. Eg

You are so much more mature than other girls your age. They seem like little kids but you are a woman.

You are the only person I can really talk to and be myself. You truly understand me.

Your parents don’t treat you well and you deserve better.

If your friends don’t agree with us dating then it’s because they are jealous.

Be careful who you tell about our relationship because not everyone will understand.

Boys your own age won’t treat you as well as I do. They are just interested in sex whereas I see the real you.

What we have is special / unique / we are soulmates / it’s written in the stars / fate.

I won’t let some narrow minded / old fashioned people take that away from us/ take you away from me / spoil what we have.

I understand you in a way that your parents never will, they don’t get you.

There is a similar age gap between me and DH, and I met him when I was 16. Had sex at 17. I didn’t see anything wrong with it at the time, married aged 22.

@DinosaurDiana Assuming your now husband wasn't in a position of power over you, It's not quite as bad.

@Belltolls 's Husband ran a sports team of which she was a member. It became illegal for tutors/teachers to shag someone in their care in 2001- it was obviously ethically a bit shady even before then. Sports coaches were a loophole and now it's finally soon to be closed www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/sports-coaches-sex-16-year-23632780 So, nowadays it's recognized as dodgy.