Please advise me

[Chocky75]

Hi I’m new here and looking for advice on my current situation, me and my partner are currently on a break as he can’t put up with my moods I do admit I am hard work and fly off the handle at the slightest thing, I’ve spoke to my doctor and he’s put me on citalopram, what’s bothering me is my partner hasn’t bothered to find out how I am how I’m getting on with them just no contact in 3 weeks, all he said at the beginning of the break was we’ll see if we can get back together at the end of the month, but I thought he might have contacted me especially as my father was diagnosed with cancer at the end of February so he knows what I’m going through but hasn’t even bothered to find out how he is, we are meant to be going away at the end of May but I don’t honestly know if I want to go. But apart from this things are bothering me anyway his hygiene levels are not good he doesn’t wash his hands when he goes to the toilet, he comes to my house doesn’t take his shoes off and the other week he broke my coaster as his feet were up on my sofa his trainers knocked the coaster onto the floor I was livid as my friend bought me it. Unsure what to do my friends said don’t contact him am I being petty with the hygiene things or would it bother you?

Op, which is it, he can’t cope with your moods , you’re hard work and fly off the handle or you’re too scared to say something and it’s him.

It can’t be both,

[quote lucy5236]@Chocky75 you were livid in your head and were scared to say about his trainers as he would've got annoyed, caused a row and left.

That's a completely different perspective from your first post.

What are some examples of you having mood swings and flying off the handle? What things make you jealous and insecure?

That would help us to understand if you have anger and insecurity issues or if in fact you're fine and he's making you feel like you do? [/quote]
He generally just puts me in bad moods because of the things he does then he will notice I’m in a bad mood puts him in one and we row, the jealousy started off when this sounds really stupid but it’s stuck in my head he told me if he was in a room full of women he would always choose the blonde I’m naturally dark but I colour it, so now I feel I can never change my hair colour just to please him.

@Bluntness100

Op, which is it, he can’t cope with your moods , you’re hard work and fly off the handle or you’re too scared to say something and it’s him.

It can’t be both,

I have been hard work but lately I haven’t been saying anything to him just going quiet about things that annoy me which puts him in a bad mood then he leaves and ignores me for days.

The more this post continues the less I'm believing anything.

If it's over OP. Close the post, getting boring reading about a coaster.

@DizzySquirrel90

The more this post continues the less I'm believing anything.

If it's over OP. Close the post, getting boring reading about a coaster.

Don’t read it then and believe what you like

OK.

I agree that not washing hands is grim and I wouldn't want someone putting their shoes on my sofa.

So.

I wouldn't date someone who didn't wash their hands after the toilet. I wouldn't keep quiet and quietly seethe about it for 2 years.

I would also say, "OK, get your shoes off my sofa!" If they refused, I would end it because they clearly didn't respect me.

Neither would I feel I had to keep my hair a certain colour. It's my hair, I'll do what I want with it.

I can understand that you don't like these things (and I even get the point you are making about the coaster) but you seem angry at how he is yet continued the relationship for 2 years.

If all these things disgusted/irritated you so much, why didn't you just dump him at the beginning?

People here are somewhat mocking you because what you have done is the equivalent of stating you hate vinegar on your chips; buying yourself chips; putting vinegar on them yourself; eating them, knowing they have vinegar on them, and then having a tantrum because you don't like vinegar. An infinitum.

It sounds quite a toxic dynamic all round.
Op He sounds grotty but you can only control how you behave not other people.
Laughing if someone asks you not to put their feet on your sofa is derision.
He does these thi gs to see how far he can push your boundaries.
Its normal for you to feel annoyed but he threatens you with leaving.
Call his bluff, get rid, you are not compatible and he wont change.
I suspect once you are rid of him, you wont need those tablets...

The hair thing.
" He would always choose the blonde"
Seriously what an entitled dick, he thinks he makes the choice and all these women would be falling over to be with a man who lacks basic hygiene.
Chuck him back in the sea
Grim

the jealousy started off when this sounds really stupid but it’s stuck in my head he told me if he was in a room full of women he would always choose the blonde I’m naturally dark but I colour it, so now I feel I can never change my hair colour just to please him.

I think you need to look at this and ask yourself why. That ugh help you unpick.some of your feelings around this.

Why does it bother you so much?

If it bothered you and was right at the beginning of your relationship, why did you continue seeing him?

Why did you feel you can never change your hair colour just to please him?

@LaptopDying

OK.

I agree that not washing hands is grim and I wouldn't want someone putting their shoes on my sofa.

So.

I wouldn't date someone who didn't wash their hands after the toilet. I wouldn't keep quiet and quietly seethe about it for 2 years.

I would also say, "OK, get your shoes off my sofa!" If they refused, I would end it because they clearly didn't respect me.

Neither would I feel I had to keep my hair a certain colour. It's my hair, I'll do what I want with it.

I can understand that you don't like these things (and I even get the point you are making about the coaster) but you seem angry at how he is yet continued the relationship for 2 years.

If all these things disgusted/irritated you so much, why didn't you just dump him at the beginning?

People here are somewhat mocking you because what you have done is the equivalent of stating you hate vinegar on your chips; buying yourself chips; putting vinegar on them yourself; eating them, knowing they have vinegar on them, and then having a tantrum because you don't like vinegar. An infinitum.

Because he was loving and charming going out of his way to help me, generally he just seemed a nice guy but as time went on I noticed his flaws more and more, I tried to ignore them but I think it just built up I was confused on the one hand he seems a nice genuine guy but on the other he lacks hygiene and shows he doesn’t really care about other people, got to the stage I was unhappy and moody but unsure whether to end it.

@LaptopDying

the jealousy started off when this sounds really stupid but it’s stuck in my head he told me if he was in a room full of women he would always choose the blonde I’m naturally dark but I colour it, so now I feel I can never change my hair colour just to please him.

I think you need to look at this and ask yourself why. That ugh help you unpick.some of your feelings around this.

Why does it bother you so much?

If it bothered you and was right at the beginning of your relationship, why did you continue seeing him?

Why did you feel you can never change your hair colour just to please him?

Because I tried to put it out my head because he seemed such a nice guy in other ways, but it stuck there I was confused. I feel I can’t change it for fear he won’t be attracted to me anymore.

OK. I don't know how old you are and it's only relevant because it gives a vague indicator of relationship experience but charm and expensive gifts etc are what you have to look beyond at the beginning. They are not what makes the relationship. They are not the important bits. They're the smoke and mirrors that draw people (generally women) into overlooking the shit side of things.

It's the day to day compatibility that counts.

And it doesn't really matter whether other people agree with your position/boundaries either. Not here and not in real life.

But there are also.many contractions in your posts - he suggested a break because he can't cope with your moods, but you say you have ended it.

You're having a break but are upset he.hasn't contacted you.

I agree that you probably are hard work but that's because I think you're trying to tie yourself up in knots to make him.happy and are frustrated with and resentful.of yourself for doing so.

Why not take some time to be single, work out what you really want and go and find that. Ignore the grand gestures etc..they mean nothing.

Hes not a nice guy, hes dirty and seems to enjoy you being jealous and upset.
Hes deliberately changing his behaviour to upset you.
You hold the power here Op.
If the things he does upset you then end the relationship.

I feel I can’t change it for fear he won’t be attracted to me anymore.

If your hair colour would be enough to kill the attraction, it is only superficial in the first place.

I like a man with thick, dark hair with big floppy curls. Literally doesn't matter what the rest of him is like. I can't even reliably tell I think they are good looking or not if they have hair like that

But the last man I dated was bald and it didn't matter one bit or affect how attracted I was to him.

If a relationship is built on the.superficialties of hair colour and the giving/receiving of expensive gifts, it doesn't have the solid foundations it needs to survive anyway.

@LaptopDying

I feel I can’t change it for fear he won’t be attracted to me anymore.

If your hair colour would be enough to kill the attraction, it is only superficial in the first place.

I like a man with thick, dark hair with big floppy curls. Literally doesn't matter what the rest of him is like. I can't even reliably tell I think they are good looking or not if they have hair like that

But the last man I dated was bald and it didn't matter one bit or affect how attracted I was to him.

If a relationship is built on the.superficialties of hair colour and the giving/receiving of expensive gifts, it doesn't have the solid foundations it needs to survive anyway.

Good post. Op he is doing this deliberately to make you feel insecure. He wants you to feel upset. Where is your anger?

Well you told us you'd ended things for good and yet you still give a shit what he thinks about your hair colour. My. God.

@DizzySquirrel90

Well you told us you'd ended things for good and yet you still give a shit what he thinks about your hair colour. My. God.

I don’t give a shit i’m quoting what he said anyway thought you were bored of this post??

@LaptopDying

OK. I don't know how old you are and it's only relevant because it gives a vague indicator of relationship experience but charm and expensive gifts etc are what you have to look beyond at the beginning. They are not what makes the relationship. They are not the important bits. They're the smoke and mirrors that draw people (generally women) into overlooking the shit side of things.

It's the day to day compatibility that counts.

And it doesn't really matter whether other people agree with your position/boundaries either. Not here and not in real life.

But there are also.many contractions in your posts - he suggested a break because he can't cope with your moods, but you say you have ended it.

You're having a break but are upset he.hasn't contacted you.

I agree that you probably are hard work but that's because I think you're trying to tie yourself up in knots to make him.happy and are frustrated with and resentful.of yourself for doing so.

Why not take some time to be single, work out what you really want and go and find that. Ignore the grand gestures etc..they mean nothing.

He did suggest the break but as time has gone on I’ve had time to think I’ve realised I don’t want to be with him. Even though we were on a break I still thought he may have asked how my dad is.

You are quick to lash out, calling people tramps etc. I'm sure you'll lash out at me for saying this but I really think you would benefit for some counselling, maybe some grief counselling at the moment because you are obviously having a really tough time and your thoughts are muddled and extreme. Invest in your mental health and wellness rather than ruminating over the relationship especially as you yourself say it's definitely over. I'm really sorry about your dad

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You are quick to lash out, calling people tramps etc. I'm sure you'll lash out at me for saying this but I really think you would benefit for some counselling, maybe some grief counselling at the moment because you are obviously having a really tough time and your thoughts are muddled and extreme. Invest in your mental health and wellness rather than ruminating over the relationship especially as you yourself say it's definitely over. I'm really sorry about your dad

I only said that because people think it’s minor the disgusting things he does no I won’t lash out for you saying that I’ve had some talking therapy not long ago but found it didn’t really help, this time apart has made me realise the problem is him not me

I am bored of it but also reading it as it notifys me of updates and they make me chuckle.

this time apart has made me realise the problem is him not me

Denial is not going to help you, you have problems too.

Even though we were on a break I still thought he may have asked how my dad is.

Why?

@DizzySquirrel90

I am bored of it but also reading it as it notifys me of updates and they make me chuckle.

this time apart has made me realise the problem is him not me

Denial is not going to help you, you have problems too.

I’m not in denial though

@LaptopDying

Even though we were on a break I still thought he may have asked how my dad is.

Why?

Because he knows what I’m going through with my dad’s cancer diagnosis.

OP sometimes we have to ask ourselves if we want to be right or if we want to be happy.

I really hope you'll consider getting some support to try and work through the issues you're going through at the moment.

Choose wanting to be happy, not wanting to be right.