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Original poster

Please advise me

143 replies

Chocky75 · 29/04/2021 19:50

Hi I’m new here and looking for advice on my current situation, me and my partner are currently on a break as he can’t put up with my moods I do admit I am hard work and fly off the handle at the slightest thing, I’ve spoke to my doctor and he’s put me on citalopram, what’s bothering me is my partner hasn’t bothered to find out how I am how I’m getting on with them just no contact in 3 weeks, all he said at the beginning of the break was we’ll see if we can get back together at the end of the month, but I thought he might have contacted me especially as my father was diagnosed with cancer at the end of February so he knows what I’m going through but hasn’t even bothered to find out how he is, we are meant to be going away at the end of May but I don’t honestly know if I want to go. But apart from this things are bothering me anyway his hygiene levels are not good he doesn’t wash his hands when he goes to the toilet, he comes to my house doesn’t take his shoes off and the other week he broke my coaster as his feet were up on my sofa his trainers knocked the coaster onto the floor I was livid as my friend bought me it. Unsure what to do my friends said don’t contact him am I being petty with the hygiene things or would it bother you?

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 30/04/2021 16:18

I would let this relationship go, you are not finding it supportive or beneficial. I think you should focus on making yourself better through the medication and also do ask for CBT/talking therapy or similar. Focus on your dad.

You’re currently obsessing about things that are not that big of a deal, like the shoes. This is a front, I think that’s your coping mechanism to avoid having to confront the harder issues you have going on. Consciously or unconsciously that’s what I think is happening.

You might be able to find counselling or some support through charities like Maggie’s Centres or Macmillan etc that would help you regarding your dad’s health.

Focus on you, for now. That’s what’s important.

Original poster
Chocky75 · 01/05/2021 11:41

Well I think I should mention this has been building up for a long time, things are just getting on top of me, examples are his son drives his car with no license and my partner thinks this is acceptable, he leaves his dog mess across the field because he thinks nobody walks there well I’ve seen people walking on the grass, the day I found out about my father having cancer my partner had to self isolate for the week which I completely understand, but the following day was a Saturday he had no work, he messaged me in the morning to ask if I had slept then I heard nothing from him for the whole day until 22.45 at night when he called, so tell me is any of this acceptable or am I being picky and complaining?

OP posts:
messybun101 · 01/05/2021 11:56

You're not picky and complaining @Chocky75, he's inconsiderate and sounds selfish

I'd actually take the break as relief and consider ending things based on your last update

Hemsworthsbicep · 01/05/2021 12:25

I honestly don’t know why you’d want to get back with him. He sounds grim. Personal hygiene is important, what else doesn’t he wash 🤢 And he doesn’t seem to care much about you or society in general. I’d be texting him bye and finishing it myself.
Sorry about your dad op

Original poster
Chocky75 · 01/05/2021 16:31

He does wash just not his hands after visiting the toilet I know because we went away once in his camper van and he came straight out from the toilet I thought he was going to wash his hands at the sink but he went straight to make food 🤢 I said “are you not washing your hands” he said “no I don’t need too” it started from there really and I think things have just built up.

OP posts:
kittycrackles · 01/05/2021 16:57

I think you are incompatible.

Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 17:08

I think people here are being way too kind to you because you are a woman. If you were a guy flowing off the handle about a broken coaster people would be calling abuse... You are jealous, insecure, have moods, I assume on this info u often cause scenes?
In comparison him not washing his hands after the toilet, is really minor (though grim! )

He told u he would contact you after a month. He obviously needs some time and space away from you to decide whether he wants to be in this relationship. People are often advices to go no contact for periods of time. He may love you and care about you but unable to cope with you anymore.

Whether u break up for good or get back together, you need to get your moods and behaviour under control, either with medication or therapy, as no one wants to be with a moody jealous insecure person who flies off the handle for every little thing

Original poster
Chocky75 · 01/05/2021 17:26

@Cloudfrost

I think people here are being way too kind to you because you are a woman. If you were a guy flowing off the handle about a broken coaster people would be calling abuse... You are jealous, insecure, have moods, I assume on this info u often cause scenes? In comparison him not washing his hands after the toilet, is really minor (though grim! )

He told u he would contact you after a month. He obviously needs some time and space away from you to decide whether he wants to be in this relationship. People are often advices to go no contact for periods of time. He may love you and care about you but unable to cope with you anymore.

Whether u break up for good or get back together, you need to get your moods and behaviour under control, either with medication or therapy, as no one wants to be with a moody jealous insecure person who flies off the handle for every little thing

I didn’t fly off the handle though i never said anything to him but inside I wasn’t happy as my friend bought it for me and if he hadn’t of had his trainers up on my sofa it wouldn’t have happened. And not washing hands after using the toilet is not minor to me.
OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 17:38

OK you said you were livid, and not fly off the handle, that's my mistake. Still not a normal reaction to it. And again, while his hand washing habits are grim... You have basically described yourself as a bunny boiler!

DizzySquirrel90 · 01/05/2021 18:25

The relationship is doomed OP. You don't work together

Original poster
Chocky75 · 01/05/2021 18:45

@Cloudfrost

OK you said you were livid, and not fly off the handle, that's my mistake. Still not a normal reaction to it. And again, while his hand washing habits are grim... You have basically described yourself as a bunny boiler!
Why is it not a normal reaction?? So it’s ok he goes round breaking my things because he knocked it off with his trainer that was up on my sofa. And I’m no bunny boiler thanks I’m not 12
OP posts:
kittycrackles · 01/05/2021 19:21

No you not a bunny boiler! I would not let anyone put their shoes on my sofa.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/05/2021 19:54

Putting your shoes up on someone else's sofa is utterly disrespectful. You might find your moods suddenly disappear when you no longer have to put up with disrespect. Focus on your Dad and let this man go.

Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 22:51

You need to let go of the coaster and move on for God's sake

eatsleepread · 01/05/2021 23:32

A break is a break. Getting in touch with you defeats the whole point of it.
I think you are going to be perennially disappointed in general, in life and as a person, until you sort your own issues out.

Original poster
Chocky75 · 06/05/2021 23:28

Well there must be a lot of women on here who are easily pleased then they don’t mind their partner putting his feet on their sofa with his shoes on, don’t mind him leaving his dog mess across a field for people to step in, don’t mind him not washing his hands after going to the toilet then making food..
I have standards not issues

OP posts:
Rubyrecka · 07/05/2021 00:38

Are you on citalopram becos u can’t handle your anger/emotions when your jealous? If so you probably need therapy to work on your self worth more than drugs.

The relationship sounds hard work - best to break free and focus on your dad/yourself so you can have a healthy relationship in the future. And the hygiene issue would be a deal breaker for me 🏃‍♀️

RantyAnty · 07/05/2021 00:52

I think you're well rid. He sounds gross and disrespectful.

He won't take his shoes off in your home and then puts his grubby shoes on your sofa.

Not washing his hands and making food disgusting.

What's the jealousy about? What happened?

bluebell34567 · 07/05/2021 00:54

dont blame yourself op.
it is good for you that he doesnt contact.
let it go, move on. he is very inconsiderate.

Original poster
Chocky75 · 07/05/2021 08:18

Well we had only been together a short while and I was due to have my hair done and he said to me in a room full of women he would always choose the blonde, that comment has stuck with me so now I feel I can never change my hair colour I have it coloured but I am naturally dark, so now whenever we are out i get jealous if I catch him eyeing up blondes especially natural ones, it causes rows silly I know but I can’t help it as the comment he made I can’t forget.

OP posts:
Crepescular · 07/05/2021 08:32

Why are people skirting round the issue here? The problem is you - you admit you're a nightmare to live with and you sound like incredibly hard work, so why on earth would anyone want to put up with that any longer than they had to?

He has no obligation to stay with you and put up with your moods - he doesn't owe you anything in that respect. He's gone because he wants to be happy and the fact that he hasn't broken up with you explicitly yet suggests that he's trying to let you down gently - he's probably dreading your (over)reaction, based on past experience.

feistymumma · 07/05/2021 08:32

@Chocky75

I’m not going to lie they happen frequently, I get very jealous and insecure in the relationship I don’t think he could take anymore. I know he didn’t break my coaster on purpose but if he hadn’t had his trainers up on my sofa it wouldn’t have happened he swung his feet round and knocked it off
Moaning about the coaster would be enough for me to call it a day. He didn't do it on purpose and apologised. What more do you want? Yes, it might have sentimental value but this if he hadn't done this (put his feet up Hmm) malarkey is ridiculous. Add in moods to the equation and it's a permanent goodbye from me.
Crepescular · 07/05/2021 08:33

Oh Jesus - you haven't been seeing each other for very long? He definitely doesn't have to put up with your shit a moment longer!

feistymumma · 07/05/2021 08:34

@Chocky75

Well I think I should mention this has been building up for a long time, things are just getting on top of me, examples are his son drives his car with no license and my partner thinks this is acceptable, he leaves his dog mess across the field because he thinks nobody walks there well I’ve seen people walking on the grass, the day I found out about my father having cancer my partner had to self isolate for the week which I completely understand, but the following day was a Saturday he had no work, he messaged me in the morning to ask if I had slept then I heard nothing from him for the whole day until 22.45 at night when he called, so tell me is any of this acceptable or am I being picky and complaining?
Beyond picky
notapizzaeater · 07/05/2021 08:39

You both sound like hard work tbh. He needs better hygiene and standards and you need to relax a bit more.