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Original poster

Please advise me

143 replies

Chocky75 · 29/04/2021 19:50

Hi I’m new here and looking for advice on my current situation, me and my partner are currently on a break as he can’t put up with my moods I do admit I am hard work and fly off the handle at the slightest thing, I’ve spoke to my doctor and he’s put me on citalopram, what’s bothering me is my partner hasn’t bothered to find out how I am how I’m getting on with them just no contact in 3 weeks, all he said at the beginning of the break was we’ll see if we can get back together at the end of the month, but I thought he might have contacted me especially as my father was diagnosed with cancer at the end of February so he knows what I’m going through but hasn’t even bothered to find out how he is, we are meant to be going away at the end of May but I don’t honestly know if I want to go. But apart from this things are bothering me anyway his hygiene levels are not good he doesn’t wash his hands when he goes to the toilet, he comes to my house doesn’t take his shoes off and the other week he broke my coaster as his feet were up on my sofa his trainers knocked the coaster onto the floor I was livid as my friend bought me it. Unsure what to do my friends said don’t contact him am I being petty with the hygiene things or would it bother you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocky75 · 07/05/2021 19:16

@Natty13

I think it's pretty trampy to be more upset about trainers on a sofa instead of someone not washing their hands after using the toilet (and preparing food after!) That would have been the absolute last straw for me but hey, I'm a hygenic tramp
I think it’s all trampy and yes the not washing hands is what started my concerns off.
OP posts:
lucy5236 · 07/05/2021 19:46

@Chocky75

I’m not going to lie they happen frequently, I get very jealous and insecure in the relationship I don’t think he could take anymore. I know he didn’t break my coaster on purpose but if he hadn’t had his trainers up on my sofa it wouldn’t have happened he swung his feet round and knocked it off
I have sympathy for you OP and half your getting help.

BUT

if a woman came one here complaining that her DP had really bad mood swings and frequently flew off the handle to the extent the dr had suggested medication as treatment.
Mixed with jealous, controlling and insecure behaviour every single one of us would be telling her to run for the hills!

If she really loved him and believed he would change with support and medication the most supportive responses would be to cut contact for the foreseeable until he had the help he needed and was no longer acting like this.

Either the relationship is over (you can't really blame him for being scared to tell you). Or, he does still want to be with you but is going NC to see if you can get better with medication and support.

BrimFullOfAsher · 07/05/2021 21:33

I still don't understand why the trainers are relevant? He'd still have knocked it over even if he took em off

Original poster
Chocky75 · 07/05/2021 21:45

@BrimFullOfAsher

I still don't understand why the trainers are relevant? He'd still have knocked it over even if he took em off
Because normal people don’t go round putting their feet up on people’s sofas with their trainers on.
OP posts:
Original poster
Chocky75 · 07/05/2021 21:48

@BrimFullOfAsher

I still don't understand why the trainers are relevant? He'd still have knocked it over even if he took em off
Yeah he may still of knocked it off without trainers on but I’m more bothered by the fact he thinks it’s ok to put his trainers on my furniture than the coaster been broken
OP posts:
lucy5236 · 07/05/2021 21:57

Am I going mad here?!

You have strong mood swings, fly of the handle, are insecure, possessive and controlling and the focus of this is that he accidentally broke a coaster?? 🤯 And the reason it's a problem is that although it was a mistake it MAY not have happened if he didn't have his trainers on.......

Original poster
Chocky75 · 07/05/2021 22:22

@lucy5236

Am I going mad here?!

You have strong mood swings, fly of the handle, are insecure, possessive and controlling and the focus of this is that he accidentally broke a coaster?? 🤯 And the reason it's a problem is that although it was a mistake it MAY not have happened if he didn't have his trainers on.......

I don’t really care about the coaster!! So your telling me you would be happy with someone coming in your home and putting their feet up with trainers on onto the arm of your sofa??
OP posts:
CheshireChat · 07/05/2021 23:38

He's grim in regards to hygiene, both personal and in general.

But, he may well be emotionally drained by you always kicking off about small things (as you said) and expecting him to support your emotional needs, but you don't mention in any way how you reciprocate this.

Honestly, it's textbook abusive behaviour to do something ('fly off the handle at the slightest thing') and then blame your behaviour on the other person. I would ghost you as well if I'd be worried about your reaction, it's self preservation.

Cloudfrost · 07/05/2021 23:50

You should really start taking those medications OP, your obsession with coasters/sofas/trainers is unhealthy...

I am actually impressed he coped with you for two years!

Carbara · 08/05/2021 00:23

He’s just an ex. Disregard him, there’s no need for this analysing this.

BlackDaffodil · 08/05/2021 00:29

Its over...

try to find things you enjoy doing for you...

forget him 🌸

Regularsizedrudy · 08/05/2021 00:36

I also think the not hand washing is disgusting. However I have come up with an ingenious solution to this problem which is... I don’t date people who don’t wash their hands.

Seriously this is over. Just end it for both your sakes.

BrimFullOfAsher · 08/05/2021 07:21

I mean, you specifically said that you were livid that he broke the coaster.

PandaLady · 08/05/2021 07:34

You may well have standards but if you won't ask your partner to take his shoes off because he will leave, you are ignoring your own standards through desperation.

No one on this thread has said your partner sounds ok. On the contrary, I expect most people have partners who would take their shoes off, wash their hands and pick up dog poo.

lucy5236 · 08/05/2021 07:38

@Chocky75 I'd rather date someone who put their feet on my sofa than to someone who was verbally abusive, bad tempered, insecure and jealous.

I accept his hygiene isn't great but that's an easier problem to fix

It's over and move on abs you don't need to care about his hygeine anymore

I just think if a woman described this relationship with roles reversed she'd get a completely different reaction

JustAnotherOldMan · 08/05/2021 07:38

Sorry to hear about your father’s cancer, my father passed away of cancer in 2018, it’s tough going so stay strong and hopefully he will pull through okay.
Forgot about your ex, he’s probably gone for good.

Unfortunately as others say, you sound like hard work are obsessing over quite small things and building them up as massive issues

lucy5236 · 08/05/2021 07:38

@CheshireChat

He's grim in regards to hygiene, both personal and in general.

But, he may well be emotionally drained by you always kicking off about small things (as you said) and expecting him to support your emotional needs, but you don't mention in any way how you reciprocate this.

Honestly, it's textbook abusive behaviour to do something ('fly off the handle at the slightest thing') and then blame your behaviour on the other person. I would ghost you as well if I'd be worried about your reaction, it's self preservation.

100%
Bluntness100 · 08/05/2021 07:49

Wow. Ok. I think you’re flying off the handle again. You can’t be calling women tramps and lashing out because you don’t like the answers. You asked and got honesty back.

Yes he lacks some basic hygiene and yes he shouldn’t have put his shoes up on the sofa. I understand these are major issues to you, for many others they are minor annoyances dealt with at the time, by saying can you take your shoes off or wash your hands.

The jealousy and insecurity is your issue that you need to work on. It’s damaging and draining for both of you and no way to live. In addition it would seem you have anger management issues and lash out at the slightest provocation, there may also be a low self esteem issue going on and some immaturity, an inability to deal with things in a calm, honest and adult manner.

I’d assume the relationship is over and spend some time focusing on your mental health 💐

KingsOfTheWildFrontier · 08/05/2021 08:01

To be fair to the OP, not washing hands and not picking up dog poo is disgusting, that would really annoy me. He obviously has habit you don't like, sounds like you are better off apart.

Original poster
Chocky75 · 08/05/2021 08:48

@BrimFullOfAsher

I mean, you specifically said that you were livid that he broke the coaster.
Livid in my head I never flew off the handle to him about it.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/05/2021 08:53

It’s very hard to be livid in your head and pretend all is normal.

I’m not sure what’s happening here. You start off by saying you’re hard work and fly off the handle and are now basically trying to say you’re not. It’s hard for folks to help you when you are all over the place.

Original poster
Chocky75 · 08/05/2021 08:55

@Bluntness100

Wow. Ok. I think you’re flying off the handle again. You can’t be calling women tramps and lashing out because you don’t like the answers. You asked and got honesty back.

Yes he lacks some basic hygiene and yes he shouldn’t have put his shoes up on the sofa. I understand these are major issues to you, for many others they are minor annoyances dealt with at the time, by saying can you take your shoes off or wash your hands.

The jealousy and insecurity is your issue that you need to work on. It’s damaging and draining for both of you and no way to live. In addition it would seem you have anger management issues and lash out at the slightest provocation, there may also be a low self esteem issue going on and some immaturity, an inability to deal with things in a calm, honest and adult manner.

I’d assume the relationship is over and spend some time focusing on your mental health 💐

When I first found out about him not washing his hands after going to the toilet I said to him “are you not washing your hands” he said “ no I don’t need to why do I need too” so I never mentioned it again, but it’s obviously built up and bothers me, as for the shoes he likes things his way and I know if I asked him to take them off he would go funny with me and leave, with me getting upset telling him not to leave, that’s why I haven’t mentioned it, as I know it would cause a row.
OP posts:
Original poster
Chocky75 · 08/05/2021 09:00

@JustAnotherOldMan

Sorry to hear about your father’s cancer, my father passed away of cancer in 2018, it’s tough going so stay strong and hopefully he will pull through okay. Forgot about your ex, he’s probably gone for good.

Unfortunately as others say, you sound like hard work are obsessing over quite small things and building them up as massive issues

Thankyou I call him every day and miss him terribly sorry to hear about your father.
OP posts:
lucy5236 · 08/05/2021 09:11

@Chocky75 you were livid in your head and were scared to say about his trainers as he would've got annoyed, caused a row and left.

That's a completely different perspective from your first post.

What are some examples of you having mood swings and flying off the handle? What things make you jealous and insecure?

That would help us to understand if you have anger and insecurity issues or if in fact you're fine and he's making you feel like you do?

Original poster
Chocky75 · 08/05/2021 09:11

@Bluntness100

It’s very hard to be livid in your head and pretend all is normal.

I’m not sure what’s happening here. You start off by saying you’re hard work and fly off the handle and are now basically trying to say you’re not. It’s hard for folks to help you when you are all over the place.

It was very difficult to not say anything to him about it as I know he would have left and not speak to me for days, I didn’t want to cause another row.
OP posts:
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