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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I put up with this?

110 replies

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 13:37

Recently started renting a new place with my boyfriend. He's a lovely guy but he hasn't been pulling his weight at all with the housework.

When I mention it to him he claims that my standards are too high. He is right, I do have high standards when it comes to keeping the house clean but I don't think unrealistically so?

He says that if I need something done I should ask him, as though I am the manager of the house. He put the laundry out to dry the other day without me asking which was great, but he left the clothes all wrinkled and my knickers were practically screwed in a ball, perched on the airer. I didn't say anything because when I've mentioned this before, he claims that whenever he does something I'm not happy with it.

Am I the problem? Should I be more lenient? Are all men like this?

I love him and I would like to see a future with him but recently I've not been feeling sure about this. He is so loving and a thoroughly nice and kind man. But I don't know if I would want to be the one doing all the chores for my whole life. Or is this something I should just accept?

We also rarely have sex which he claimed was from the stress of the pandemic... except now it's all ending and we still don't. I have stopped trying to initiate it because it's not nice being rejected all the time. I feel too young to have reached this stage of a relationship already!

OP posts:

Aprilshowersandhail · 27/04/2021 13:38

No sex and he can't hang wet washing? Time to reconsider your relationship...

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2021 13:42

Wake up, take the blinders off, and raise your standards.

What you've got right now is as good as it's ever going to get, and it will only get worse. You want a future filled with this? Really? A sulky, petulant manchild who doesn't even fulfill you sexually. That's who you "love"? Come on now.

For fuck's sake, demand better for yourself.

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2021 13:43

Original poster

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 13:50

Thanks for your responses. It's hard to have clarity like that when you are in a relationship/love that person.

Obviously it's not all bad - we get on well, love spending time with each other. It's just about weighing the pros and cons I guess and yes maybe the cons weigh more.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2021 13:53

Are all men like this?

You must know they’re not? Why would having a penis stop you from hanging washing up properly and taking responsibility for cleaning up after yourself?

He’s lazy and you’re not even having sex. What’s the point?

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2021 13:54

No sex or housework? What’s the point of him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2021 13:55

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with codependency?.

Is he really what you want from both life and a relationship; what you write of him is not good at all. Why is your relationship bar this low anyway?. When someone shows you who they are it pays to take heed. Such men do not change and no you should not put up with this.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2021 13:57

It doesn't just have to be "all bad" to know you need to end it. The shitty scraps you have right now will never, ever go the distance. You can love someone and still need to leave them. Stop wasting your youth on this dead end.

Original poster

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:02

I love him but I do admit that I find it easy to see the best in people.

If I am being honest then one of the biggest things I get from this relationship is the promise of a future with children/a family (It's a huge fear of mine to not have this one day).

Other than this though, we do get along, we have fun and laugh together, I feel really comfortable with him and always have from day one. He's super supportive, he loves me and my body even when I've put on some weight. He works really hard and wants children. There are pros people!

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 14:04

No, you should not and never put up with this. He will never change. People choose to behave as fully functioning adults pulling their weight in life off their own back, not because of their boyfriend or girlfriend. And this one doesn't want to do this. Be VERY glad you found this out now.

The threads on here from women who are utterly miserable and divorcing or splitting up with kids because the manchild unsurprisingly didn't change when the kids came along are legion.

There is no future with an immature sexist who CBA'd with basic maintenance of his own stuff.

As my wise father always told me, 'When you see that someone doesn't respect his own person, his stuff, his home, his car, then you can see how far he'll respect you. He treats his life like swine, he'll treat you like swine.' That was so true!

NO, not all men are like this. NO, you don't need to fucking chat to him, make rotas, have sit downs or conversations or train him. Were you trained? Did you go to Skivvy School to learn how to function well in adulthood? No, you were able to puzzle it all out on your own.

Does he do a half-arsed job of things at work? No, they won't put up with and would sack him. You do the same.

Women are not rehab centres for men.

This is a non-starter.

citycitycity · 27/04/2021 14:04

You won’t have children if he never wants sex….

DinosaurDiana · 27/04/2021 14:04

If you can put up with this for the rest of your life, and him most probably doing very little with the kids, go for it !

Original poster

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:05

@citycitycity this is true!

OP posts:

user648482729 · 27/04/2021 14:06

The sex part would be a bigger issue for me; I also find it a lot easier to overlook my DHs untidiness when we’ve had a bit of fun the night before.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 14:06

@snackmonster

I love him but I do admit that I find it easy to see the best in people.

If I am being honest then one of the biggest things I get from this relationship is the promise of a future with children/a family (It's a huge fear of mine to not have this one day).

The cons, however, will soon lead you to misery once the kids come along. He will not give you and his family the true, practical support a family needs. It's A LOT of work.

Original poster

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:10

@user648482729 up until recently that was absolutely the bigger issue. I just put it to the back of my mind and I've been trying not to think about it because it is upsetting. Also - I tried to think about what it would be like if I was the one who didn't want sex. I wouldn't want to be pestered for it or made to feel like something was wrong with me.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 27/04/2021 14:10

I resolved this by redistributing the tasks, which I was able to do reasonably well. We do our own washing. I hate how he does mine, and how he dries it, so mine is no longer in the hamper. I sort it myself.

Cooking I do- I am better at it and have higher standards.

Vacuuming and dusting he does- obscenely often, imo.

I do the obscure stuff like door ledges and washing light switches.

Don't waste your life arguing about things that won't change, just tweak the system till it works for you.

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 14:15

He says he wants children because he knows you do :)

You wait until it's time for the serious conversation about it, in, ooh, three years time...

Bin him.

Original poster

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:15

@picklemewalnuts thank you for the advice, they aren't bad ideas actually! I think doing our own laundry would work...

OP posts:

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/04/2021 14:16

Don't waste anymore time with him. I fell for this shit and put up with it because I thought maybe my standards were too high , I also had a child so just got on with it and I was young and had watched my mum spend her life wiping everyone's arse for them. Now we have 3 children and I'm wandering around the house in the morning picking up his sweetie wrappers, glasses of juice, dirty clothes, wiping the dry skin he scratches off his psoriasis onto the bathroom floor every morning, and this morning as an added treat, picking up his fucking toenails after he picked them off and obviously dropped some on the way to wherever he chucked them.

Original poster

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:18

@YoniAndGuy I know he does - he talks about our future children a lot and has little nephews who he is obsessed by! a fair while ago we had a serious conversation about it and we decided that we would try in what would be about a year now. Obviously I am having some second thoughts about the relationship but I do think this is one area that I'm not worried about.

Although as previous posters have said, you can't really have babies without having sex.

OP posts:

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/04/2021 14:18

There's nothing wrong with admitting you are incompatible sexually and that is more than a good enough reason to end it. After all its not something you can compromise on. If someone doesn't want it they don't want it. As much as its not personal much of the time, if its something you need that you aren't getting then perhaps it's best to not do it to eachother. You will both be miserable that way.

And as for lack.of support round the house that won't get any better either. Trust me when you have kids and you have to do everyone's thinking for them, well it's exhausting.

Resentment builds up. Id have a long hard think befire you have the family.

YouShouldLeave · 27/04/2021 14:18

All i could think about reading your post was this article:

www.google.fi/amp/s/www.stayathomemum.com.au/houseandhome/men-deliberately-do-a-terrible-job-at-housework-to-avoid-it-later/amp/

Original poster

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:19

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion oh gosh that sounds horrendous, what a pig! What are you going to do? My DP doesn't sound that bad... he is very tidy at least.

OP posts:

Original poster

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:23

@Whatwouldscullydo thanks, I will definitely be thinking (constantly) about it! The hard part is we used to have the best sex ever. Just suddenly about a year ago it was like he just stopped wanting to. We still do it occasionally but I have to ask. Feels like I'm scheduling it in.

I am definitely feeling that resentment. I don't want it to become overwhelming. I wish I could just make it work - if I could just wave a magic wand a change a couple of things. We have discussed all of this before but he doesn't really understand my side of it and it often ends in tears (mine).

OP posts:

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