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Original poster

Should I put up with this?

110 replies

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 13:37

Recently started renting a new place with my boyfriend. He's a lovely guy but he hasn't been pulling his weight at all with the housework.

When I mention it to him he claims that my standards are too high. He is right, I do have high standards when it comes to keeping the house clean but I don't think unrealistically so?

He says that if I need something done I should ask him, as though I am the manager of the house. He put the laundry out to dry the other day without me asking which was great, but he left the clothes all wrinkled and my knickers were practically screwed in a ball, perched on the airer. I didn't say anything because when I've mentioned this before, he claims that whenever he does something I'm not happy with it.

Am I the problem? Should I be more lenient? Are all men like this?

I love him and I would like to see a future with him but recently I've not been feeling sure about this. He is so loving and a thoroughly nice and kind man. But I don't know if I would want to be the one doing all the chores for my whole life. Or is this something I should just accept?

We also rarely have sex which he claimed was from the stress of the pandemic... except now it's all ending and we still don't. I have stopped trying to initiate it because it's not nice being rejected all the time. I feel too young to have reached this stage of a relationship already!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2021 14:25

Why do you think he is rejecting you sexually?. I presume he has not given you any other reason than the pandemic for his lack of interest. I would be wondering if he actually has a long standing porn habit. Lack of intimacy kills relationships too and this man likely has serious problems with intimacy.

An unequal power and control balance within this relationship anyway should have you sit up and take notice. A redistribution of chores is not going to address that issue nor make it go away. He also has no real respect for your possessions either; I would think his underwear was not all scrunched up. He probably regards all the housework and associated life admin as your job by dint of fact that you are female. Doing a task so badly can work for him in that if he does it so badly you then actually step in to do that for him.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:25

@YouShouldLeave if he is doing that then I will be fuming! I'm shocked that is a thing!

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 27/04/2021 14:26

You are very young to be in this position with your sex life.
Resentment will creep in.
Don’t let him string you along about babies, and keep moving the goal posts. Get a definite plan that you both agree to, and if it doesn’t happen, move on.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 14:28

@Aprilshowersandhail

No sex and he can't hang wet washing? Time to reconsider your relationship...
Yes, what's the point!
Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm not sure to be honest. As far as I know, he doesn't watch much porn. I wouldn't care if he did, to be honest I would be happy to see him taking a sexual interest in something! We are very intimate, we kiss and cuddle all the time.

You are right, his underwear wasn't all scrunched up.

He was going to talk to a therapist about it (the lack of sex drive) but that seems to have not happened. He's not great at following through with things he's said he will do. I don't want to "nag" him because I will get an earful.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 27/04/2021 14:30

If you think he's bad now, whilst he's on his best behaviour when first living wit I you, imagine what he'll be like when he's settled and relaxed

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2021 14:30

It takes two to make a relationship work; you cannot carry what could ultimately be a relationship that should be at an end here on your own.

I would not bring children into this relationship even in a years time. Being unmarried and with children (more likely than not having his surname rather than yours) will put you in a precarious position economically as well as legally. Do not further do that to yourself here.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 14:31

If you're not having sex now then you really won't be having it after you have children.

I think women should be so careful who they choose to have a child with. This man hasn't grown up yet. He needs to be told how to hang up wet washing, ffs. This isn't a man you're going to be able to rely when you have small children. I'm sure he'll be a "great dad" in that he'll chase them around the garden and have lots of fun on a bouncy castle, but you'll be the one indoors cleaning, tidying up their mess, cooking, planning what's for dinner, doing all the real work. And everyone will think he's great and you'll be exhausted and resentful.

Meruem · 27/04/2021 14:32

The housework issue is one thing. I personally do feel a lot of women (or it seems so on MN) have very high standards for housework and honestly I couldn’t live like that! So it’s hard to judge whether he needs to make more effort, you need to compromise, or a bit of both!

The sex issue would bother me greatly. You’ve literally just moved in together. It should all be exciting at this stage. To be blunt you can find a man who would make a good father who also wants to have sex! I certainly wouldn’t be planning a child with him any time soon until that side of things is sorted out.

DinosaurDiana · 27/04/2021 14:32

You see already he isn’t trying to solve his problems, and you are staying. Why should he change ?
Honestly, you need to take a good hard look at what is going on and what you are prepared to put up with/sacrifice.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:32

@AttilaTheMeerkat we would get married first for sure if we decided to go down that route and have kids. I would just want something very small and cheap though for personal reasons. But obviously we might never get to that stage judging by the current state of things!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 27/04/2021 14:33

End it. Don’t be daft.

Sparklfairy · 27/04/2021 14:33

[quote YouShouldLeave]All i could think about reading your post was this article:

www.google.fi/amp/s/www.stayathomemum.com.au/houseandhome/men-deliberately-do-a-terrible-job-at-housework-to-avoid-it-later/amp/[/quote]
I tried that shit as a teen. My DM just said I clearly needed more practice so I had to do it more often! Grin

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/04/2021 14:34

snack

I think.lockdown was a revelation as far as relationships went. It cost many ( mine included ) but in a way its a good thing because you really git a view of things to come. When you remove outside influences and distractions you can see what it is you really have. And whether it's even worth fighting for .

My life is no different now he's moved out. Will yours be?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2021 14:34

Sadly it may well be that he does not want to actually address his lack of sex drive.

Honestly I would seriously consider showing him loss; the loss of you. That may or may not buck his ideas up but you really do deserve better than what is on the table now. I also think you are afraid of his reaction if you raise this further hence your own "getting an earful" comment. And there is that bloody word "nag" again too.

picklemewalnuts · 27/04/2021 14:37

Can I suggest you work out what you want and need in a relationship and encourage him to do the same?

Make some lists, work out what's non negotiable. Share your lists and set a deadline.

I know it's not romantic, but so many couples sell themselves short, or go on for ages with 'oh, i didn't realise it was that important to you, I'd have tried harder!'.

Sell it to him as an opportunity to make your relationship bomb proof.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:38

@Whatwouldscullydo it's certainly stripped our relationship down to the bare bones! I feel like there is something there to save - I think his refusal to communicate properly with me might end up being the downfall though.

OP posts:
Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:39

@picklemewalnuts I'll give it a go, thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:42

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are definitely right there with everything. The only thing is I don't know how I would move out now. We don't live near my family so I don't know where I would go and how I could afford it.

I'm kind of thinking now to give it until the end of our rental contract. If things haven't changed by then, I will have to call it a day. That gives us some time to work on things (or for me to realise it will never improve.)

OP posts:
LatteLover12 · 27/04/2021 14:43

I'll just add...it will be a billion times worse if you have a child together.

The jobs increase, the mess triples, the overwhelming responsibility of the baby will fall to you and then you're pretty much stuck with him forever (even if you ditch him).

I'd cut my losses now if I were you, he's showing you who he is, believe him!

lovemenot · 27/04/2021 14:43

"I don't want to "nag" him because I will get an earful."

In other words, he doesn't like it being pointed out that he's not respectful of you enough to pull his weight.

There's your bottom line.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 27/04/2021 14:46

He has turned you into 'mum' so you get to cook and clean for him and he gets to behave like a petulant teenager over it. And yeah men don't want to have sex with 'mum'. Not sure how you can turn that around though, its basically immaturity on his side. Living alone might help him.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 14:49

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo you're right, I do feel like his mum. I feel like partly it is on me though. I'm often far too happy to do things for him, like cook, make cups of tea, hang his washing out, even before living together. I like doing things for people. But now it has sort of turned into the norm and he expects those things from me all the time.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/04/2021 14:53

[quote snackmonster]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion oh gosh that sounds horrendous, what a pig! What are you going to do? My DP doesn't sound that bad... he is very tidy at least.[/quote]
Well I have tried for 9 years to get him to change but I have resigned myself to the fact he won't. He is a lazy fucker, and I'm not prepared to live in a shite hole to prove a point. I also work from home with clients coming into the house so it's not possible to ignore it.
I'm not going to have my kids living away from me for however long, and have no say in what they are doing while with their dad, and I would also obviously be much worse off if we split so I'm not prepared to live poor. I've done that as a single mother before, I don't want to do it again and he's good in other ways.
I just moan at him or sometimes chuck all his dirty things down his side of the bed, but he is honestly blind to it.

Bubblebu · 27/04/2021 14:55

who stopped initiating sex first?

if it was him (or indeed if it was you around about the same time that the cleaning standards came into sharp focus) then they are all just symptoms of a mutual moving apart from each other.