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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I put up with this?

110 replies

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 13:37

Recently started renting a new place with my boyfriend. He's a lovely guy but he hasn't been pulling his weight at all with the housework.

When I mention it to him he claims that my standards are too high. He is right, I do have high standards when it comes to keeping the house clean but I don't think unrealistically so?

He says that if I need something done I should ask him, as though I am the manager of the house. He put the laundry out to dry the other day without me asking which was great, but he left the clothes all wrinkled and my knickers were practically screwed in a ball, perched on the airer. I didn't say anything because when I've mentioned this before, he claims that whenever he does something I'm not happy with it.

Am I the problem? Should I be more lenient? Are all men like this?

I love him and I would like to see a future with him but recently I've not been feeling sure about this. He is so loving and a thoroughly nice and kind man. But I don't know if I would want to be the one doing all the chores for my whole life. Or is this something I should just accept?

We also rarely have sex which he claimed was from the stress of the pandemic... except now it's all ending and we still don't. I have stopped trying to initiate it because it's not nice being rejected all the time. I feel too young to have reached this stage of a relationship already!

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 27/04/2021 14:59

@snackmonster

What was his living situation before he moved in with you?

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 15:00

@Bubblebu it was him, I think about a year ago but I'm not sure exactly when. It's been more of a gradual decline but it got to a point where I would initiate and then he would flat out refuse and not even try to get in the mood. Because we've had conversations about it, we do now do it but only when I ask. He gets in the mood when we spend some time kissing etc. It is absolutely never initiated by him. The last time I can remember him initiating it was after the first lockdown ended and we hadn't seen each other for about 11 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 15:01

@thenewduchessofhastings he was in a shared house with some friends.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 27/04/2021 15:02

If I could give you one piece of advice, its not to have children with a man who doesn't pull his weight.

Bubblebu · 27/04/2021 15:04

snack

i am sorry to hear your update.
I hate to say it but i think your relationship has broken down - i only say that from my own experience so cannot of course know that for certain.
but it sounds like his reluctance regarding sex is symptomatic of other things.

just dont be the person who "provides a home" with the housework etc you do for longer than the relationship is alive - there is always the risk he will find the sex elsewhere whilst getting all the good things of living with you...

good luck & take care xx

2bazookas · 27/04/2021 15:06

Write a list of routine domestic tasks and put it on the fridge. You do some, he does some. Each person initials the tasks they did.

Unequal effort will be easily seen.

Don't quibble about him doing it wrong, and with luck he'll learn to do it better all by himself.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 15:09

@2bazookas thank you I will give that a go!

OP posts:
Maskedrevenger · 27/04/2021 15:19

Look not all relationships lead to marriage and children and that’s perfectly normal. Most of us folks on MN have had other relationships before we met “the one”. Being in a few different relationships is good, it allows you to clarify what you do want / need in a partner. You can’t mould him into a being a good fit for you, he’s not a bit of play doh. He’s not happy, you’re not happy why prolong the inevitable. I’d call it quits while you can be amicable about your shared flat etc.

Shinesun14 · 27/04/2021 15:20

Tell him if he doesn't want to do his share then he pays for a cleaner.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 15:34

@Maskedrevenger I have also been in a few relationships (3 years+) and to be honest my experience is that men don't bother helping out with chores. My ex was far far worse than my current DP. I know I can't shape him, but you would hope that a good discussion might help resolve things. I will try before I end things - we have a good relationship aside from the issues I've mentioned. Maybe our relationship is doomed, I don't know, but I have time and I don't want to rush anything.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 27/04/2021 15:46

It's actually not a bad sign he wants dc. He is committed to 'having family life'. He just needs to step up to what that involves. Knowing for sure that you won't be having children with a man who doesn't pull his weight or communicate might make him wake up and smell the coffee.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 15:49

@picklemewalnuts I will have a conversation with him this week... hopefully it will have a positive outcome.

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 27/04/2021 15:50

No sex or housework? What’s the point of him?

^
This, really.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 15:53

[quote snackmonster]@Maskedrevenger I have also been in a few relationships (3 years+) and to be honest my experience is that men don't bother helping out with chores. My ex was far far worse than my current DP. I know I can't shape him, but you would hope that a good discussion might help resolve things. I will try before I end things - we have a good relationship aside from the issues I've mentioned. Maybe our relationship is doomed, I don't know, but I have time and I don't want to rush anything.[/quote]
Don't see it as 'helping out with chores'. It's pulling your weight and doing your fair share in life. Tbh, are you going to address the lack of sex as well? You have a good relationship with a slobby flatmate and no sex.

Franklyfrost · 27/04/2021 15:53

You not having sex is the problem.

Men need to be taught housework. It’s considered unskilled but that’s just because women tend to do it. Something like cleaning a bathroom requires various products and processes. Any man can do it but there is a small amount of learning that had to be done first. Which means that they have to be taught something that no one things is worth teaching. It’s a bit of a trap: how could he not know to hang things flat? Because you’ve been hanging washing since you were a child and he’s had others do it or had to conform to a lower neatness standard all his life. So his attitude to chores I could work with, his attitude to sex would be a deal breaker for me.

BigButtons · 27/04/2021 15:55

My Dp shares the chores- it's not true that men don't. lazy arses don't.
Why on earth would you want to settle down and have kids with this man? I would advise getting some counselling to find out why you are so co-dependent and have such low expectations and self esteem.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2021 16:02

Ffs, read what you've written. This relationship is a total dead end. I will never understand why you, like so many women, insist on convincing themselves to stay in a mediocre at best relationship. The time you've already wasted is tragic enough. When you get to be my age you will look back and see clearly how pointless this all was.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 16:08

@BigButtons please don't be rude/unkind Smile

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Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 16:10

@Franklyfrost yes I agree with you there on both points! I will be talking to him about the sex aspect (as opposed to the chores - I know there are ways we could work on that).

OP posts:
Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 16:17

@BigButtons just to add, we've been living together for 2 months. I didn't know how things would go and I knew it would be a learning curve. I did previously think he was great with household chores but I hadn't lived with him then.

I don't think I am "so co-dependent", or have low expectations and self esteem. Hence the post! If I thought this was normal I would just be slogging away with a smile on my face wouldn't I! Some Mumsnetters are so quick to insult others online! Please remember I am someone's best mate, sister, niece etc. I'm a real person with feelings! We don't need to stoop so low as to throw rude comments around to people we don't know online Smile

OP posts:
BuggerBognor · 27/04/2021 16:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

BigButtons · 27/04/2021 16:19

@snackmonster I am sorry if you think that . I am being deadly serious. For you to put up with a man like that, for you to do what you do, accept what you are accepting means that you do not value yourself, Your time and your worth.
Having counselling would be very useful to help you see the dynamic for what it is and try and work out why you have chosen it.

Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 16:20

@BuggerBognor yes that's what I thought - it is definitely a bit unusual and clearly something is wrong. I just want to get to the bottom of it. I suppose I was worried that I was the problem as this has actually happened to me before (except that was 4 years into a relationship rather than 2). But you are right. I won't stay with him if it continues/he doesn't try to remedy it.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 16:20

[quote snackmonster]@BigButtons please don't be rude/unkind Smile[/quote]
It's neither one to point this out. What's rude and unkind is a person whom you live with saying they want X, Y and Z and yet not functioning as an adult without your cajoling, chatting, begging, his telling you that your standards are too high and rarely having sex.

I cannot even begin to explain to you or qualify how hard that workload becomes when kids come on the scene, and that's assuming it all goes well, a healthy child.

And sex. I used to work in a women's clinic and the words of the female OB/GYN always stuck in my head. So many patients, 'We're not conceiving'. She'd storm back into the office, 'You have to have SEX to get pregnant unassisted! SEX! These people are not having enough sex! Why does the one shot sex pregnancy mostly only work when you're 15? Oy vey!'

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 16:21

[quote BigButtons]@snackmonster I am sorry if you think that . I am being deadly serious. For you to put up with a man like that, for you to do what you do, accept what you are accepting means that you do not value yourself, Your time and your worth.
Having counselling would be very useful to help you see the dynamic for what it is and try and work out why you have chosen it.[/quote]
I agree!