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Original poster

Should I put up with this?

110 replies

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 13:37

Recently started renting a new place with my boyfriend. He's a lovely guy but he hasn't been pulling his weight at all with the housework.

When I mention it to him he claims that my standards are too high. He is right, I do have high standards when it comes to keeping the house clean but I don't think unrealistically so?

He says that if I need something done I should ask him, as though I am the manager of the house. He put the laundry out to dry the other day without me asking which was great, but he left the clothes all wrinkled and my knickers were practically screwed in a ball, perched on the airer. I didn't say anything because when I've mentioned this before, he claims that whenever he does something I'm not happy with it.

Am I the problem? Should I be more lenient? Are all men like this?

I love him and I would like to see a future with him but recently I've not been feeling sure about this. He is so loving and a thoroughly nice and kind man. But I don't know if I would want to be the one doing all the chores for my whole life. Or is this something I should just accept?

We also rarely have sex which he claimed was from the stress of the pandemic... except now it's all ending and we still don't. I have stopped trying to initiate it because it's not nice being rejected all the time. I feel too young to have reached this stage of a relationship already!

OP posts:
Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 16:23

@BigButtons I do agree that counselling would be worthwhile. I'm not sure I could afford the expense right now.

He really isn't all bad. Which is why I don't think I'm being ridiculous to stay for the time being and try to work on things. I'm not in a rush. But you have a valid point and I do agree that something is clearly not right in the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
snackmonster · 27/04/2021 16:26

@osbertthesyrianhamster Okay, I see your point. Don't worry - I won't be popping any kids out immediately!

OP posts:
BigButtons · 27/04/2021 16:28

@snackmonster I would say you really deserve to ha e high expectations because you value yourself by having them. You should have unconditionals in every relationship that you are not prepared to give up. Those will be different for each woman.
So many woman put up with shit because they are scared if being alone.
Value yourself more. He is choosing not to help you, he is choosing not to have sex and hang your washing out badly. Please let that sink in. This is behaviour he is actually choosing.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 16:28

I have to say, too, from experience, TTC can effect sex, even if you've had a good sex life before. If it's bad before that, I really don't know what to say to you. I did become pregnant twice from one encounter, but with our second it took about 6 months to conceive her.

goody2shooz · 27/04/2021 16:28

No, absolutely not. Runnnnn!

Wanderlusto · 27/04/2021 16:29

I would never have kids with a man who cant even pull his weight in housework before the kids arrive. You do realise children are messy af right? And you'll have to clean up after the both of you and the kids all alone if you have them with him. Fuck that.

SickOfCrap · 27/04/2021 16:42

This guy is useless! Ahahahah Sorry, but I'd rather be all by myself than having to take care of a grown up man, do everything alone and have zero sex! F(* that!

Honeydrops5 · 27/04/2021 16:47

@snackmonster you have high standards towards the cleanliness of your house but not high standards in men Hmm

I think before the chore thing needs addressing you should be communicating with your partner about the bigger issue here, which is lack of sex.

I dont understand how you expect to have start a family without it? Arent you worried you could be wasting your time on someone that has no intentions of having children with you? Your both adults, so speak to each other!!!

Honeydrops5 · 27/04/2021 16:49

How young are you op....you shouldn't need to be looking into counselling so early in. It's not like you have a marriage you need to save. Is this guy worth the time of day? Honestly if your not having sex now when you do have children you can kiss all hope of a sex life goodbye

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 27/04/2021 17:13

Another one joing the chorus shouting "run!" at you.

You're in the start of your relationship when you should be jumping on each other at every given opportunity and showing your absolute best side (which does include doing equal shares of the housework).

If this is him at his best, how god-awful is he going to be at his worst?

PLEASE don't settle for this, you honestly deserve better.

MzHz · 27/04/2021 17:27

[quote snackmonster]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion oh gosh that sounds horrendous, what a pig! What are you going to do? My DP doesn't sound that bad... he is very tidy at least.[/quote]
You’ve only just moved in with him. It’s supposed to be the honeymoon phase

Just wait and see you’ll see how it gets when he’s confident that you’re just going to put up with whatever so you can say you have the relationship and the kid(S)

He’s not the one for you. He really isn’t

Why are you so hell bent on putting up with any old crap just to not be single?

The way you describe him, you’d have a better deal if he were a pet and not a human being

StellaAndCrow · 27/04/2021 18:47

I was going to suggest that you could live separately, then what he does with laundry and housework isn't such an issue. But if you're hoping the relationship leads to family, then I don't think it will work.

Branleuse · 28/04/2021 09:32

he sounds like youd be better as friends living seperatly since hes not interested in sex and leaves all the housework to you.
Getting on well is great and everything, but I get on great with loads of people I wouldnt bother living with

Original poster
snackmonster · 29/04/2021 10:53

We do have sex, just only about once a week and it's always me initiating it! It does make me feel unwanted.

I'm 26 and we've been together 2 and a half years.

OP posts:
Original poster
snackmonster · 29/04/2021 10:54

(Once a week at the most, I should say). If I don't initiate it we can go for weeks without anything happening!

OP posts:
NoChores · 29/04/2021 15:32

My OH is very much like this. I live with a (quite lovely) neanderthal

Never did any washing, "I didn't get round to it". So now I only do my own. He works out how to get his clothes into the machine if he needs clean ones.

Said we didn't need a cleaner and he would do it every week without fail. We got a cleaner at the end of week one. He pays

He knows that if clothes are left on the floor for more than three days they're going in the bin. He was putting things away by the third time I'd done it (there had been plenty of warning about the start date)

Asked me to make him a cup of tea when I was making myself a coffee. I don't drink tea so couldn't tell you how to make a decent cup other than what I've been told - he complained. The next cup of tea (I was weak and gave him a chance) he complained again. I never make him tea (nor will I ever again).

He does continue to leave his cup in the sink (rather than the dishwasher) and plastic bags laying around but he knows the risk is I may use them to end him one day (both these give me the absolute rage)

The point is that if someone else is going to do it all for you or there is no comeback there's little incentive to do it yourself

Now, your OH could just be an arse who thinks it's all your job and rows with you if it's not done for him, in which case bin him now because that's not going to change but if he sees that his non-actions or complaints about how things are done impact on him, he may do and step up more in a way which benefits you.

anxietyanonymous · 29/04/2021 15:37

The sloppy hanging up of the washing thing i have come across. My exh liked to give me a
Third breast on my t shirts due to his bizarre hanging up of my tops that i then just had to try and iron out. I dont think its a relationship ender in itself. Some guys just care less about these things.

The lack of sex and intimacy at 26 is a
Massive red flag for me. When i moved into my first couple of places it was a mission to 'christen' every room so to speak.

loveyourself2020 · 29/04/2021 16:41

@osbertthesyrianhamster

No, you should not and never put up with this. He will never change. People choose to behave as fully functioning adults pulling their weight in life off their own back, not because of their boyfriend or girlfriend. And this one doesn't want to do this. Be VERY glad you found this out now.

The threads on here from women who are utterly miserable and divorcing or splitting up with kids because the manchild unsurprisingly didn't change when the kids came along are legion.

There is no future with an immature sexist who CBA'd with basic maintenance of his own stuff.

As my wise father always told me, 'When you see that someone doesn't respect his own person, his stuff, his home, his car, then you can see how far he'll respect you. He treats his life like swine, he'll treat you like swine.' That was so true!

NO, not all men are like this. NO, you don't need to fucking chat to him, make rotas, have sit downs or conversations or train him. Were you trained? Did you go to Skivvy School to learn how to function well in adulthood? No, you were able to puzzle it all out on your own.

Does he do a half-arsed job of things at work? No, they won't put up with and would sack him. You do the same.

Women are not rehab centres for men.

This is a non-starter.

@osbertthesyrianhamster Will you be my BFF!!??!
PandaLady · 29/04/2021 17:15

You are so young, there are better men out there!

We do what @picklemewalnuts said - no cross over jobs whatsoever. I am remarkably untidy so dh picks up after me and what not, I do all food shopping and cooking, he cleans bathrooms and hoovers, I dust and do windows, he does diy and I do the bins. He does his own washing and I do mine and the kids.

Sorted.

category12 · 29/04/2021 17:35

The problem is, this gets far far worse if you have children. What is tolerable now, becomes a massive burden when you are exhausted, touched out and with little emotional reserve left from having small children. Don't fool yourself he'd step up, having children does not make a lazy entitled man less so.

And even if you do get him to improve his ways before you have children, unless you're careful things will backslide during your maternity leave, and you'll end up back to square one or worse.

Him being willing/eager to have kids with you isn't a precious quality.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/04/2021 17:50

You need to ditch this fool.

SarahBellam · 29/04/2021 21:22

Congratulations on being your boyfriend’s new mum.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 29/04/2021 21:35

The sex issue will not be resolved by a chat.

Isthisit22 · 29/04/2021 21:45

Can't believe how calm you are about your boyfriend not wanting to have sex with you.

If he doesn't fancy you then the relationship is dead anyway.

PriestessofPing · 30/04/2021 03:01

Just for context OP when my son got old enough to hang the washing out he had a couple of times of putting clothing on an airer all scrunched up. Two key differences though - 1. he did it to all clothes, his included, 2. when I explained to him things would not air out and dry properly so would end up smelling musty and being all wrinkled he started hanging it flat. It’s not rocket science is what i’m trying to say and someone without an agenda can easily do it correctly - even a 10 year old boy. That a grown man doesn’t is a choice and does say a lot about how he views you.