Only fans / cheating / porn addict

[Londongirl865]

This is my first post and I’m really looking for some honest answers. I’m feeling quite alone and not sure what to do.
Until last week I thought I was in the most loving, happy relationship. We don’t ever argue, we have many of the same interests and we are just so happy. We’ve spoken about having our first baby and I’m no longer on the pill. We have a home together and have been in each others pockets over lockdown as we’ve both been working from home. Anyway... I’ll cut to the chase he was showing me his bank statement and I noticed a subscription to onlyfans, and he denied using it claiming it must be an old subscription from before we got together (it was a pending charge for the day before - I’m not stupid). I asked him to leave because he kept lying and then I went on his computer to find thousands of downloaded paid for porn videos, this is money going out every month - he often claims he has no money so I cover him on many occasions, which I don’t mind, I earn more and I love him. I checked the dates he was doing this and it’s been throughout our entire relationship, even at times when he’s borrowed money off me he’s been paying for porn. For example I pay for all of the household bills because he says he can’t afford them, but because I earn more I can. The money he has been regularly paying out covers our bills and way more.... one month he spent over £400 on porn. I confronted him with all of the evidence and he told me he has a porn addiction (it’s also a specific type of porn which grossed me out... he’s been paying for pictures of random women’s feet amongst other stuff). I’m struggling to speak with friends about this because I’m embarrassed. We also have sex almost every day, so I’m just shocked that he’s doing this.... he said it’s when I go to bed and am asleep. It makes me feel sick as we discussed the use of porn when we first got together and both agreed it was not ok to watch in a relationship, or to at least hide from the other. He has also made comments on other people’s relationships / only fans and how awful he thinks it is to do this if you’re in a relationship.
He’s had a session with a sex therapist and he said he is committed to stopping and having therapy but I just don’t know what to do or if I can ever trust him again. In my eyes he’s cheated on me since we met, messaged women for intimate photos and paid for it. I’ve never felt the need to look at his phone or social media etc because we were in such a trusting relationship and now I’ve become someone I didn’t think I would be.
Has anyone else had a relationship with a porn addict? I just feel so betrayed and hurt. He’s also asked that we don’t tell people what’s happened because he’s so embarrassed about what he’s done/ what he’s into... so I’m having to pretend things are OK. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

Here is my advice.

Get back on the pill and run like hell.

Firstly I’d suggest taking the pill again today. Dont have a baby with this man right now unless you are up for a lot of misery with it. Put baby idea on backburner for now.

Its hard to know whether he can conquer this problem and whether you can forgive him spending your hard earned cash on porn. Im not sure I could. Lots to think about.

Yes, I'm afraid I know how you're feeling.

I'm sure others will say to not worry about shouting it from the rooftops but I think it's wise to find a few people to confide in first, as you have a way to go yet. How you want to convey what's happen will evolve, and no one has a right to know.

Personally, I don't know who you're partner is getting support from, but you need it too. Check out Paula Hall/Laurel Centre. There's info on there for partners and I saw one of the therapists for a while and I think it saved my sanity. I also have the book for partners, it helps make sense of what you're feeling, and doesn't assume your intentions are to stay in the relationship.

It's awful, really awful though. This isn't 'just a bit of porn'. It's lies, deciet, betrayal and I feel it reached into every aspect of my life.

For the addiction element, have a look at Gabor Mate's work. You are not obliged to stay with an addict or excuse them from the hurt they've caused but once you get through some of the turmoil of this initial shock, you might find it helpful.

I'm separated now, my ex is still getting help but also still doesn't quite grasp what's gone wrong. I'm not sure he ever will tbh.

He doesn’t have por addiction, he just got caught and now is acting like a victim.

Dump his ass!

Generally porn, or even an odd secret fetish (feet) - to me is not as bad as spending the money he doesn’t have on it, and having you pay for everything.
Did you say in your post that you discussed porn as ‘not ok, or at least hide from each other’? As is - don’t ask, don’t tell?
So - would you rather he hid it better?
His behaviour does sound like an addiction - so in my book it’s not different to other addictions like alcohol or drugs. So - it’s up to you to decide if you want to stay and see if he gets it under control. And as it’s common with addicts - he lied to cover up and hide it.
On the flip side, of course - this didn’t affect your sex life and general relationship that you describe as happy. So - there is something to be said for that.

Yes, my ex was one of those.
Advice i received on here back in the day was to leave as they don’t change.
I spent further 9 years with him, had 2nd chd and 3 failed attempts at counselling. He was at some point also going to a support group however as you can guess, none of it amounted to anything.
Our relationship was dead for many years and finally i pulled the plug last year and got divorced.

You poor thing. Your post doesn't say but how long have you two been together? If it was a new relationship just before lockdown, maybe you were in a bit of a honeymoon lockdown bubble? Consider that if he's concealed this huge part of his identity, do you really know him at all?

Don't have a baby or build a life with this man and don't carry his shame. His addiction is his own and has nothing to do with you.

@YouShouldLeave

He doesn’t have por addiction, he just got caught and now is acting like a victim.

Dump his ass!

It's possible to do all those things and be an addict.

Now you know the truth. He can't be trusted. Time to walk away.

If it isn't bad enough that he did it, he did it using your money in effect, when there is so much free porn out there! The man has no shame nor consideration and I would never trust him.

Thanks for commenting back - it’s quite a lonely thing to go through, I’ve never even posted on a forum before about anything but just feeling quite desperate.
I am definitely going to go back on the pill, I wouldn’t want to bring a child into this relationship as it is now. I just feel like my world has shattered... I also just feel really pathetic and ugly.
He has bought me a book by Paula Hall, but at the moment I feel too mad to read it and engage in it because I am just so shocked.
We have been together for three years now.
I think if it was an addiction such as coke, gambling I would find it easier because it’s not so intimate. I just feel like I’m not good enough and he’s paying for women who are doing some pretty gross stuff, but the kind of videos are like as if it’s being done to him? I dunno if that makes sense? Like point of view stuff. The women in the videos are also a specific type... which he always says to me he would never go for. It feels like gaslighting.
When we first got together, I asked him about porn and if he watched it. The main reason for doing so was because I was previously in an abusive relationship about 3 years before I met him where my ex used to force things he saw in porn on me etc and I have had a weird relationship with porn since. If he told me at the Start how much he watched it/ paid for it I think I would have probably not continued the relationship (I was pretty open with him about previous abuse from the get go and he’s been amazing with supporting me). He says he couldn’t tell me because he was scared he would loose me and he has been addicted since he was 19 years old when he first got a job.
I didn’t think our sex life had been affected but he said to me that I used to do things he liked (he had told me some of the fetish stuff as while ago) but then that stopped. I didn’t realise how into this stuff he was as he didn’t tell me.... I’m just wondering if I will be wasting time.

My H is a porn addict. Run, you will definitely be wasting your time. Honestly, it won't get better.

It's a shame you feel as if you're not good enough. It sounds like you're supporting him financially which is enabling his addiction. No idea what his fetish is, but I can't see him changing suddenly.

I agree with others - cut your losses and move on. I wouldn't want children with someone who spent a fortune online, hid it from me,,and was wanking late at night while I was asleep.

You're right, it's incredibly lonely. My friends were great but the reality is that they'll never know how this feels.

Please start on the book. Its for you, its not about excusing him or staying. It helps to read what you're going through. The roller coaster of emotions. I went through phases of being resolved to work on it, but in the end I just couldn't. And he was in denial which felt like a slap in the face when I was trying so hard.

Beware sunken cost fallacy.
Three years is a long time but don't let that interfere with your decision now.
I don't believe porn addicts recover in the traditional sense (abstinence) but someone will pop up saying for them It was a blip.
Scroll through relationships, so many have porn related issues. It's a hard line for me now, when I was younger I didn't appreciate how damaging and pernicious porn is.

You don't know him.
He isn't the man you thought.

OP, don't let him blame you for his shortcomings, he's implying that you drove him to it by doing the things he was into and then stopping. He could have communicated with you but chose instead to have you inadvertently paying for his addiction to porn.

If you stay, the question is where does this end? You build a life together, have a family and when the going gets tough you find out he's taken it to the next step and met up with prostitutes to fulfil his fantasies?

You can't trust him now, no matter what yarns he spins you or how many self-help books he'll want you to read. The best way to help yourself if to leave him and his addiction as soon as possible.

In my eyes he’s cheated on me since we met, messaged women for intimate photos and paid for it.

I would agree.

He's crossed the line into interaction (and plenty of women on here are actually against non interactive porn use too, because of all the ethics issues with the industry).

I wouldn't go for the adduction, poor me bullshit.

And you're having to sub him?! Essentially pay for him spending money on sexual services. Fuck no.

He's not a good person to have a child with , and he's not exactly great relationship material.

Get back on the pill pronto!

At the very least.

"He’s also asked that we don’t tell people what’s happened because he’s so embarrassed about what he’s done/ what he’s into... so I’m having to pretend things are OK."

No, you don't have to pretend just because he says so.

"It feels like gaslighting"

Please get rid of this abusive, lying, dirty, misogynistic prick. He's vile.

"I was previously in an abusive relationship about 3 years before I met him where my ex used to force things he saw in porn on me etc and I have had a weird relationship with porn since"

Ok, please take a step back as history is repeating itself here. You deserve so much better.

"He has bought me a book by Paula Hall, but at the moment I feel too mad to read it and engage in it"

The arrogant arsehole. You don't need a book, you don't need fixing.

I don’t have a thing against occasional porn watching but even I am shocked by your post. Watching a porn hub video is very different to PAYING for porn and engaging with the women who make it. Absolute no from me. That’s cheating. Just because they’re sex workers doesn’t make it any different.

Secondly the fact that he has LIED to you about being short for cash and allowed you to pay for his porn habit is actually sickening. Utter utter disrespect.

And of course now he doesn’t want anyone to know! Convenient for him. I would be getting rid of him and turning to my friends for support. Don’t let him manipulate or silence you any longer!

Not to be cavalier but also the concept of a man spending money on porn videos and images .. when there's three billion free ones out there .. like wtf?

They're either monumentally stupid/naive or (more likely) they want something more interaction, more "real ness" .. and that is a big issue in itself.

The thought of family money (in this case it's not even family money, it's your fkg money - because he's running low and you're subbing him!) being spent on that when there's no end of free shit at a click ...

Also, if he's an only fans punter when you're supposedly in the easy, sexy stage of a relationship .. before the crying, non sleeping, demanding, teething, virus-y, stressful babies and children, stage whi h outs massive strain on the best of relationships and people ....... I wouldn't like to say what he'll be like in the latter context.

If you hadn't caught him out, he would have just carried on. So he's just sorry he got caught. You've been working hard for your future and he's been buying porn instead of paying his way. And you've been subsidising that and he's allowed you to. He's betrayed your trust, and lied and effectively stolen money from you. If you stay with him, you will always be worried he's betraying you, you'll always be checking up on him and questioning him.
If he had been sorry, or guilty or wanted to stop because you wanted to start a family, he would have admitted it all to you and sought help. Instead, you found out accidentally. And although you may feel like it's the end of the world, one day you will thank your lucky stars you found out about this before you brought a child into the world with him.
Stay strong, and do what is best for you. And I'm sorry you're going through this.

He has bought me a book by Paula Hall, but at the moment I feel too mad to read it and engage in it"

Lmfao.

I can think of other books you should be reading.

Maybe he should read some books to try to improve his character, integrity, honesty, decency, respect for his partner etc etc.

Since he's apparently not got any empathy (or chooses not to) maybe you should ask.him to sub you so you can buy some pics and videos of a male escort/fitness model directly from one ... See if he likes you doing it and paying for it. Except the only way it would be similar is if you didn't tell him that's what the money was for, his if from him and just kept asking for subs off him.

Has anyone else had a relationship with a porn addict?

I doubt he's a porn addict.

Addiction tends to be rolled out as a get out of jail free card when people are caught out.

There's nothing for making them.unwardpy relieved (and probably amused & gratified if they were ever truthful) than seeing their partner, whom they've wronged, trying their hardest to solve the "addiction" problem, to support them with the "addiction" ... Not only do they not get the consequences they should, they often get their partner working even harder on the relationship. Genius.

And even if he were, also that's a bit of an oxymoron - can you really have a (decent) relationship with a porn addict?

*There's nothing like it for ..