Had enough of DH’s ‘rules’ and angry outbursts

[sweetpea36]

Apologies in advance for the long post.
As an example - recently DS (aged 8) had taken my iPad up to bed without asking and hidden it, DH had apparently told him before that if he did that again he wouldn’t have screen time the next day. He came down and told me this, I said I wasn’t keen to limit screen time the next day as I’ve been feeling unwell, have both the kids on my own at home (school hols) and didn’t really want the stress of limiting screen time when I’m not well. DH clearly not happy and asked what I was going to do as punishment, I said I didn’t know. He kept asking, I said I was tired and not well so I couldn’t really get my head round it right now. Then he asked when would I decide then, I said I didn’t know, he kept on and on asking what was I going to do. Eventually I got snappy and said do you realise you sound controlling? He said he wasn’t being controlling & became really angry, told me to f**k off, stormed out slamming the door loudly and left the house. Came back a short time later but didn’t speak to me and went straight to the spare room.
In the meantime DS came down asking why was Daddy shouting and slamming the doors. He ended up in bed with me as he couldn’t sleep.
This isn’t the first outburst like this, the other week DH tried to drag DS up stairs to bed when he wouldn’t go up on time. He later apologised to DS & to me saying he was tired and shouldn’t have lost his temper. Also during home schooling, DH texted me when I was out at work (I’m in a key worker job) saying he couldn’t cope with DS - they argued over some homework and he was so angry he left DS on his own and went for a walk, he was out less than 5 minutes but I was angry he’d left him alone in the house. Again he apologised to DS later.
Then there was the time last year we were on holiday, he wanted to have a ‘no screens on holiday’ rule before 5pm. I let DS play Pokemon on my iPhone for 10 mins when DH had gone running and I was in a cafe having lunch with the kids, he was so furious he was in a bad mood with me the rest of the week and refused to be affectionate in any way for the entire holiday!
He seems to have a big anger problem around the kids and rules, he wants set rules for screen time, bed time and how much sweets or biscuits are eaten.
I don’t know if I should be a stricter parent, but I end up being less strict just to balance out him and his rules. Is it confusing for the kids if I don’t follow the same rules as him? I’m actually really fed up of living with all these rules and angry outbursts and think he’s being controlling.
I think his frustration comes from a place of wanting good things for them overall, but he’s too rigid about it. A lot of the time he’s actually a lot more patient than me with the kids but he just can’t stand it if the rules aren’t stuck to.
Would appreciate any balanced views if anyone managed to read all this, as I just don’t know any more.

I would be livid with his clearly petulant reactions. It sounds like he has high expectations when he isn't the one who has to carry out the consequences of it.

On the other hand it does sound like you undermine him, or at least that's how he feels. As parents you need to be on the same page. Even if you don't agree. He needs to understand that if he is doling out a punishment or rule then he needs to be around to enforce it. And you need to do your best to respect that too.

I hear you about being ill. It's hard enough anyway. Nigh on impossible when you're feeling shit. He needs to listen to you and understand that but I think that's a conversation for a calm day when kids haven't riled either of you.

Maybe a gentle questioning of his points would make him think. No screen time before 5pm on holiday - what about no more than 1 hour (insert other timeframe) on holiday. However that is broken down? That might make it a bit easier for everyone to accept and be a good way to compromise. Tbh if I told my kids no tv til after 5 they would know when the clock turns 5 and then be whinging about it. I think it's fair to manage expectations in a way that everyone can understand. He needs to realise that too.

I can kind of see his issue actually. He is trying to limit screen time and you are repeatedly undermining him and refusing to go along with it.

If you don’t agree with his measures then fine, but you need to agree between you on consequences for bad behaviour and agree to stick to them. You can’t just go ‘oh it was only Pokémon go for 10 mins it doesn’t count’ and not expect your DH to be pissed off if he’s imposed a no screens rule.

You are wrong in this, imho.

This is tricky as it seems you are the fun parent and he is the parent who has to do consequences and discipline. It puts him in a very difficult position to be the only one setting or enforcing any rules or expectations.

It is kind of you and DS against DH and that puts him on the outs. I get his frustration

You might need to do couples counselling or a parenting course to try and get more on the same page and work together as a team. You don't have to be the same parent but your idea of balance isn't fair to him or DS. You need to be united and back each other up.

He's an absolute arse and many of his behaviours are unacceptable. His anger, swearing,shouting,storming off.

You sound completely ineffective in disciplining the kids, but I don't know if that's how you are,you can't be bothered or if you're trying to balance him out.

You're both extremes of parenting and neither are doing well. His way is abusive and the effects more immediate to see though.

Unless you two can reach a compromise, a middle ground set of rules that you both stick to , your kids are going to have massive issues. You're not balancing anything out at the moment. Just a hostile environment, with moving and changing boundaries ,goal posts and rules which makes a child feel confused and not secure.

there was the time last year we were on holiday, he wanted to have a ‘no screens on holiday’ rule before 5pm. I let DS play Pokemon on my iPhone for 10 mins when DH had gone running and I was in a cafe having lunch with the kids

OK no screens, well then no fucking off on your own for a nice childfree run on holiday, DH .

On a second read, it does rather come across that you enjoy being the fun parent and are making it worse by being less strict to balance him out.

You both need to be on the same page and stick to it. No 10 mins sneaky gaming.

But your eight year old does need limits on screen time? I’m not condoning your Dh’s rants but he’s trying to set some boundaries and you just ignore them.
You and he need to have a discussion about what the rules are, thrash it out that way.. and then both stick to them

Your DH dragging your kid and having such an volatile reaction to rule setting that it gives your DS an upset night are two parts of your OP that really stand out and raise alarm bells. Your DH sounds like a moody sod and he’s taking his childish need for control out on a kid - which also makes him a coward and a bully. It’s YOU he is angry with is my guess ... and I’d look into marriage counselling as it sound like you dislike his behaviour, don’t respect his methods with the kids (no screens sounds good, his controlling method definitely not good, so the INTENTION to be happy and connect is there?) and undermine him and he is childishly acting out.

Thanks it’s really helpful to get all these points of view. Just to clarify, I’m not totally lax and I do definitely think we should limit screen time and unhealthy food, but I wouldn’t have strict rules about it from choice, I’d more just decide as I go along. Eg on a school night maybe an hour, but more on holiday on a rainy day or if we’re having a lazy morning at the weekend.
But maybe that isn’t good parenting? They do eat healthily overall and do a good balance of activities usually, although screen time has obviously gone up during lockdown.
I’m really worried about the effect on the kids as a PP said, they’re getting confusing messages and hearing us argue about it.

Regardless of whether your parenting is effective, your husband sounds abusive.

Maybe it came across that way but I really don’t enjoy being the ‘fun parent’ at all, I’m really stressed and miserable and nothing seems fun! I feel like we can’t have any relaxed family time at all due to all this as I’m constantly on edge.

@sweetpea36

Maybe it came across that way but I really don’t enjoy being the ‘fun parent’ at all, I’m really stressed and miserable and nothing seems fun! I feel like we can’t have any relaxed family time at all due to all this as I’m constantly on edge.

That is not healthy or normal. Plus, an angry shouty parent and miserable one it's a pretty toxic environment for the kids to grow up in. His behaviour is abusive.

You need to have a talk to your husband when things are calmer, without the kids around. Your way isn't working,his definitely isn't, try and find a middle ground you are both happy with.

Would he be willing to do a parenting course and/or have couple's therapy?

Something needs to change, otherwise you'll either end up divorced (which is not necessarily a bad thing considering his behaviour) or with damaged kids.

He can't unilaterally decide on rules without discussing with you first!

It's obviously stressing you both out so you need to agree on some simple rules together, and then you both need to stick to them. Your son's behaviour will improve massively if you do. Kids love consistent rules. But you get more say if you're the one spending more time with the kids.

He can’t set punishments without thought of the impact on you but you are totally undermining him. You knew he didn’t want dc on screens but you let dc play for 10 minutes. I’d feel totally under valued and like you had no respect for me and may well get angry at my voice being ignored. When dc needed instant punishment you said no to the punishment laid out but offered no alternative. I can imagine this pattern making someone feel exasperated then you get to come across a lovely mum and dad as grumpy arse which I’m not sure is totally fair. Better communication is needed on both sides imo.

I think on holidays letting the no screen before 5pm rule happen in the first place was your mistake. If you don't agree you should have nipped that in the bud.

I'd be annoyed if dh doled out a punishment that had big consequences for me the next day and he wasn't around to deal with it.

Dragging your son and not being able to cope to the point you leave the house is unacceptable.

I’m getting the impression I’m quite a bit at fault here then for not being strict enough.
I think he does feel undermined, he’s really tense and angry with me all the time which makes it hard to talk to him in a balanced way. I would like to have some joint rules and be consistent, but also have flexibility as I spend a lot more time with the kids. Eg if I want to get some jobs done in the house & let them have a pyjama morning, but without having to get his agreement in advance, but does that sound unreasonable?

I didn’t agree with the holiday no screens rule as I thought it would be more relaxed to have some TV in the mornings that we weren’t heading straight out - but kind of felt railroaded into agreeing to it.
It’s hard to explain and probably sounds ridiculous, but he was so adamant about it I just felt it was impossible to disagree. I did try but he got really upset with me.
He allows the rules to me as well, so if I use my phone or want to watch anything on a ‘no screen’ day he gets irritated.

Applies the rules. Not allows!

I think that your DH is trying to set ground rules and you don't agree, there is no conversation about it and then you do what you think anyway.
You need to find mutual ground. Sometimes it's good that the father is more of a disciplinarian because they don't have the emotional connection that women have with their children.
I think you need to have a good conversation about it otherwise when your child becomes a teenager, they may walk all over you because you are the one that always gives in.
It will affect your self esteem and your marriage.
Teenagers are selfish ( not all before anyone jumps on me) but that age they can do whatever they can to get what they want. We all did it to our parents 😀

His conduct is not ok.

But, you undermine him continuously. Why are you not communicating with each other? Why are you not, at a calm time talking about all these issues? The fact that he is the bad cop. and you don't agree with some of things he does. You need to talk about this. All of it. Compromise?

When ds took the screen last time, And DH said to him if you do that again you will lose screen time that to me sounds like an completely reasonable reaction. the fact is this isn't the first time your DS has done it - he chose to do it again. this is not good. but then unfortunately you weren't in the right frame of mind to deal with it and it didn't suit you because you were ill. your DH should've recognised that. however the fact that your son is running rings around you needs to be addressed.

Can't you sit down and try and resolve some of this?

Sit down and discuss. ASAP. Without kids there.

"pyjama morning, but without having to get his agreement in advance, but does that sound unreasonable?"

No. Of course not. Things like this can be 'bashed out' in a conversation with Dh.

I think you need to call time out. It sounds like you are in a cycle competing against each other. He does something you feel is too strict so you react by giving in, he sees you giving in and gets frustrated and wants more rules. You being lax is making him stricter and his being stricter is making you more lax...and round and round.

You have gotten into a bad dynamic. You need to call time out. Can you take a couple days away somehow with the kids and try and get yourselves into a better place by hashing out your frustrations? You need to be a team and right now you are like coaches on the opposing teams both wanting to win and your kid doesn't know which goal he should be kicking towards.

without the kids ^

I think it's vital that both parents present a united front to their children, regardless of how you really feel. It doesn't sound like that's happening in your case and I think the 2 of you need to agree this between you. Kids do play one off against the other given the chance. Obviously your DH should not be flouncing off in a huff when he doesn't get his way either, but you will all benefit in the long run if you can resolve this.