Had enough of DH’s ‘rules’ and angry outbursts

[sweetpea36]

Apologies in advance for the long post.
As an example - recently DS (aged 8) had taken my iPad up to bed without asking and hidden it, DH had apparently told him before that if he did that again he wouldn’t have screen time the next day. He came down and told me this, I said I wasn’t keen to limit screen time the next day as I’ve been feeling unwell, have both the kids on my own at home (school hols) and didn’t really want the stress of limiting screen time when I’m not well. DH clearly not happy and asked what I was going to do as punishment, I said I didn’t know. He kept asking, I said I was tired and not well so I couldn’t really get my head round it right now. Then he asked when would I decide then, I said I didn’t know, he kept on and on asking what was I going to do. Eventually I got snappy and said do you realise you sound controlling? He said he wasn’t being controlling & became really angry, told me to f**k off, stormed out slamming the door loudly and left the house. Came back a short time later but didn’t speak to me and went straight to the spare room.
In the meantime DS came down asking why was Daddy shouting and slamming the doors. He ended up in bed with me as he couldn’t sleep.
This isn’t the first outburst like this, the other week DH tried to drag DS up stairs to bed when he wouldn’t go up on time. He later apologised to DS & to me saying he was tired and shouldn’t have lost his temper. Also during home schooling, DH texted me when I was out at work (I’m in a key worker job) saying he couldn’t cope with DS - they argued over some homework and he was so angry he left DS on his own and went for a walk, he was out less than 5 minutes but I was angry he’d left him alone in the house. Again he apologised to DS later.
Then there was the time last year we were on holiday, he wanted to have a ‘no screens on holiday’ rule before 5pm. I let DS play Pokemon on my iPhone for 10 mins when DH had gone running and I was in a cafe having lunch with the kids, he was so furious he was in a bad mood with me the rest of the week and refused to be affectionate in any way for the entire holiday!
He seems to have a big anger problem around the kids and rules, he wants set rules for screen time, bed time and how much sweets or biscuits are eaten.
I don’t know if I should be a stricter parent, but I end up being less strict just to balance out him and his rules. Is it confusing for the kids if I don’t follow the same rules as him? I’m actually really fed up of living with all these rules and angry outbursts and think he’s being controlling.
I think his frustration comes from a place of wanting good things for them overall, but he’s too rigid about it. A lot of the time he’s actually a lot more patient than me with the kids but he just can’t stand it if the rules aren’t stuck to.
Would appreciate any balanced views if anyone managed to read all this, as I just don’t know any more.

I'm sorry you're going through this and the 'fog' you have describes that comes with it.

Screen time doesn't really seem to be the underlying issue here.

The fact that you've mentioned: 'you've tried to talk to him but he storms out' shows to me that he is not capable of managing his emotions.

He dragged your child because of a bedtime issue he wasn't happy with. This is abuse. As hard as this might be to face, you have to realise these types of behaviour are far from ok.

Analysing the situation from what you've written, he knows what he's doing is not ok (ie, calm in counselling), but he's not tried or even willing to change.

It's not really about you undermining him or about the rules in this scenario, but how that's made him feel and how he can't accept that in a healthy manner.

Acceptance has to come before change can even be thought about.

As you've said 'he's not always like it', raises concerns. How he is and has been is not being addressed as the main concern. Humans aren't always happy or always sad etc....

If he can't sit and have a conversation about house rules with you, then what do you do next?

If he isn't willing to accept he has a problem and get help... How far will this go?

He may be calmer for the time being but that inturnal struggle is still there and will be directed else where at some point.

This is what really needs to be addressed and dealt with.

I wish you all the best

Internal * excuse the typos.

I would say a parenting course, a good one, because there should be other men there, and he's going to listen to other men more than he listens to you.

And couples counselling as well, because you are unable to express your views to him. That's not a relationship. I actually think it could be, if he can let go of ? His fear of being his dad maybe?

I'd agree about 'what are rules for'. Since my husband died i haven't really bothered with any minor rules at all, though I only have one boy and he was 14 years old by then, so its different. But I simply don't give a shit if we eat at the table or on our laps, or if he's on a screen a lot. If he looks tired I take his phone away for a few nights, I feed him regularly and I ask about school and homework. That's about it. If he's afraid the kids will go off the rails, he should trust himself more.

You sound too soft (kids need boundaries) but I can see why. It sounds like your husband lays down the law without consulting you and then expects you to do the hard work of enforcing it while he does as he pleases. My dad was the same.

I can see the other side too because I try to have some limits on screen time and amount of snacks. My H will just let them do/ have what they want so he can do his own thing and it's so annoying that I'm always the one who has to say "er no you shouldn't be on the tablet now/ you've already had one packet of crisps this afternoon ". We both work full time and should both parent equally but I always have to do more because he's "oh anything for a quiet life".

You're both in the wrong, basically. You shouldn't undermine him , I don't personally think his rules are at all unusual. Screen time can be a problem. But he shouldn't behave like a 5 year old when stuff goes wrong...

Did he have strict controlling parents growing up and expect kids to do as they are told?
At worst he’s a bully and controlling.
At best maybe a parenting course.
Is he just like that with his son?

I agree with what others are saying here but is this actually a nice man? Is he usually having fun with the dc on holiday and finding lots for them to do.
Do ye have nice times together? If a mom was on here saying she had rules and her dh kept undermining her we would be mad but l am worried he just isn't a nice guy.

I wasn’t expecting so many replies, but am reading and taking them all in.
In reply about our other child, she’s quite a different personality and is not that bothered about screens, she’s happy playing and colouring with a bit of TV mixed in. So he hasn’t had the issues with her. That may change of course.
His parents divorced when he was young which I know affected him, he was mainly brought up by his mum though, who is lovely and wasn’t particularly strict that I know of. So I don’t know where it all comes from. Maybe an escalating pattern between the two of us, as people have suggested.
We do and have had a lot of nice times together. It’s not all awful all the time. I just feel it’s very tense at the moment and I can’t relax when he’s around due to all the conflict.

We do and have had a lot of nice times together. It’s not all awful all the time. I just feel it’s very tense at the moment and I can’t relax when he’s around due to all the conflict.

But when it is "awful", he's abusive. And has been for ages rather than a one off. It isn't a normal, healthy relationship dynamic for children to grow up witnessing. It will affect them hugely.

Growing up in a tense household with occasional flare ups of genuinely disproportionate anger is horrible for kids. I was one. It's really, really unsettling and can do so much harm to future relationship behaviour.

Try not to excuse away abusive behaviour just because he isn't awful all the time. If abusive / overbearing / aggressive people were then their partners wouldn't stay with them nearly as often.

There seems to be lots of views including your own OP about you undermining him. Not a lot about him undermining your views. Who made him the boss? He makes all the rules and expects everyone to obey? I always worry when I read posts like this where adults are super strict with children and dole out punishments. It’s hardly the crime of the century sneaking your mums iPad.

Your home seems tense because of your husband. Does he expect you to ask his permission to have a lazy morning with the kids. My dad was a bit of a rules man. His house, his rules. By the time my brother and I got to our teens we resented him, all his rules for us and my mum who was much more laid back and easy going. Like yours he mellowed with age but some of it was just so unnecessary.

I don’t know how frank you are with your husband but when mine gets a bit annoying and shouty shouty (mostly about the fecking recycling and my “lack of commitment to it” 🤦‍♀️ I just tell him he is being a tad annoying, or words to that effect! 🤣.

He seems to also have the final say on things. You want to get your kids a tablet. He doesn’t so it doesn’t happen. Working from home is probably adding to his stress but you need to find a way to say to him to cool his jets. He is coming across as a bit of a controlling arsehole tbh. All the flouncing out malarkey. Having to fairly regularly apologise to a small child. He needs to give his head a bit of a wobble. He is like your very own fun sponge. My friend recorded her husband when he was going off on a big angry rant. Played it back to him when he was calm and he was truly shocked that that was how he behaved. He really calmed things down after that. Good luck x

@Orla1970 wow, that is such a good point! I just want to be flexible with the kids and have a relaxed family life and he’s undermining that. I suggest getting them tablets and he dismisses it, end of discussion...if I wanted to I could just go and buy them tablets myself, we have enough money, but don’t even consider it..why? Why does he make all the rules?
I need to have a proper discussion with him about equal opinions.
I don’t see the issue if they have a morning in pyjamas watching TV in the school holidays, it’s not as if they have feral lives with no structure or boundaries. They have school, holiday clubs, after school activities now those are back on, we spend most of the holiday days outdoors doing things... they’re not going to grow up badly just because we all had a day off!

What do you still get out of this relationship?.

He feels absolutely entitled to make the rules; you are living here with the Dominator. Talking to him will get you precisely nowhere because your opinion to him does not count or matter.

Not all abusers are nasty all the time because if they were no-one would want to be with them. I guess too he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world (abusers can be quite plausible to outsiders). The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you is a continuous one.

Do you think this is a relationship model your children should be seeing?. You saw not too dissimilar as a child and you remain affected to this very day. Do not repeat this same dynamic with your children now.

You have a choice re this man, they do not.

@Orla1970 s point about ‘who made him the boss’ is one to take on board OP. Families are about compromise and getting along— not about schedules and rules- it’s not a work situation

You always co-operate but he never co-operates. He will continue to stonewall you if you try to talk to him.

Every time DH wins, it is at the expense of you or the children. You do not want a win/lose situation, you want something where there is more compromise. Life is all about the art of compromise - it's necessary almost daily apart from in cases like your H where he will just continue to steamroll through to win.

You mentioned you have a DD, I would be seriously concerned about what level of control he might try to exert with her in particular when she is a tween/teen.

Great points above.

One thing to point out to you that you need to think about, tell your husband about and really realise yourself is....

Ye are both working hard no doubt to provide a comfortable warm home.

Feeding them good food so their bodies are healthy.

Concern yourself about their schooling, their over all education, their future.

All these things ye are doing because ye know it is your duty as parents.

However all this will be for nowt when your children are grown.

All they will recall is the stressful, shouty home that was dominated by your husband's rules, anger and trigger fast temper.

That is all your children will remember and it will leave them grappling with anxiety, stress and depression for the duration of their lives.

That will be your legacy OP.

Is that really what you are prepared to risk?

Your last point illustrates perfectly the situation you are in. Your husband thinks completely in black and white - if your kids get the odd morning in PJs watching telly during the holidays, it's a disaster and they will end up feral. This kind of black and white thinking/catastrophising is disastrous in a parent and really, really needs to be addressed. My husband did it too - I will never forget the night he told me that we were bad parents because our by then mid teen DDs occasionally said 'fuck'. Never mind that they were academic high fliers, commended frequently by school and people around for their excellent manners and general helpfulness, never mind that they never got into trouble of any kind. They were bad kids because they swore.

That was when I started to detach. Your husband thinks in the same utterly rigid way. It's appallingly bad and damaging parenting.

@billy1966

Great points above.

One thing to point out to you that you need to think about, tell your husband about and really realise yourself is....

Ye are both working hard no doubt to provide a comfortable warm home.

Feeding them good food so their bodies are healthy.

Concern yourself about their schooling, their over all education, their future.

All these things ye are doing because ye know it is your duty as parents.

However all this will be for nowt when your children are grown.

All they will recall is the stressful, shouty home that was dominated by your husband's rules, anger and trigger fast temper.

That is all your children will remember and it will leave them grappling with anxiety, stress and depression for the duration of their lives.

That will be your legacy OP.

Is that really what you are prepared to risk?

Absolutely this.

F

My children are adults now op.
I have never regretted being soft with them as dc. I do however, regret the times I was unnecessarily strict.
Also as @Orla1970 says your dh is not the boss.
On the odd occasion my dh has tried to boss me i point out that we're both adults and his opinion is no more valid than mine.
In future if your dh wants to make a rule you don't agree with state clearly that you will not be implementing it but will compromise on a rule you both agree with.

Your poor DS, shaken up because of his father's shouting and slamming doors.

That's the bit I find worst. That sort of thing damages children. My dad was like that and I've been left with a severe mental health disability and have never really been able to work etc.

Even if the storming around is rare, you all will still be aware of the atmosphere and that you don't know when an eruption is happening next. You all walk on eggshells to some extent or know it's coming at some point again but don't know when. It's not healthy for a growing brain, not to be able to relax at home.

So many good points here, thank you all.
I’ve managed to have a calm conversation with him and asked if he felt frustrated about us not agreeing on rules, he said he did - but he thought we should have a balance of my flexibility and his rules...! So things have been calmer.
We need some consistency for the kids but also a lot more compromise and flexibility. All this anger and tension just cannot go on any longer. Like you’ve said, he just can’t be dictating everything like he’s my boss and upsetting the kids having outbursts if we don’t follow his rules. It’s shocking now I can see it more objectively! I can’t believe we’ve been living like this. The children deserve better.
I would definitely think about splitting if things don’t change. I want to get some counselling for myself but also for us both, so we can have a neutral atmosphere where I can talk about how he’s behaving. As even if we did split, he’ll still be the kids’ father and I’d like his relationship with them to be better.

@sweetpea36. Well done lovely,

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