Had enough of DH’s ‘rules’ and angry outbursts

[sweetpea36]

Apologies in advance for the long post.
As an example - recently DS (aged 8) had taken my iPad up to bed without asking and hidden it, DH had apparently told him before that if he did that again he wouldn’t have screen time the next day. He came down and told me this, I said I wasn’t keen to limit screen time the next day as I’ve been feeling unwell, have both the kids on my own at home (school hols) and didn’t really want the stress of limiting screen time when I’m not well. DH clearly not happy and asked what I was going to do as punishment, I said I didn’t know. He kept asking, I said I was tired and not well so I couldn’t really get my head round it right now. Then he asked when would I decide then, I said I didn’t know, he kept on and on asking what was I going to do. Eventually I got snappy and said do you realise you sound controlling? He said he wasn’t being controlling & became really angry, told me to f**k off, stormed out slamming the door loudly and left the house. Came back a short time later but didn’t speak to me and went straight to the spare room.
In the meantime DS came down asking why was Daddy shouting and slamming the doors. He ended up in bed with me as he couldn’t sleep.
This isn’t the first outburst like this, the other week DH tried to drag DS up stairs to bed when he wouldn’t go up on time. He later apologised to DS & to me saying he was tired and shouldn’t have lost his temper. Also during home schooling, DH texted me when I was out at work (I’m in a key worker job) saying he couldn’t cope with DS - they argued over some homework and he was so angry he left DS on his own and went for a walk, he was out less than 5 minutes but I was angry he’d left him alone in the house. Again he apologised to DS later.
Then there was the time last year we were on holiday, he wanted to have a ‘no screens on holiday’ rule before 5pm. I let DS play Pokemon on my iPhone for 10 mins when DH had gone running and I was in a cafe having lunch with the kids, he was so furious he was in a bad mood with me the rest of the week and refused to be affectionate in any way for the entire holiday!
He seems to have a big anger problem around the kids and rules, he wants set rules for screen time, bed time and how much sweets or biscuits are eaten.
I don’t know if I should be a stricter parent, but I end up being less strict just to balance out him and his rules. Is it confusing for the kids if I don’t follow the same rules as him? I’m actually really fed up of living with all these rules and angry outbursts and think he’s being controlling.
I think his frustration comes from a place of wanting good things for them overall, but he’s too rigid about it. A lot of the time he’s actually a lot more patient than me with the kids but he just can’t stand it if the rules aren’t stuck to.
Would appreciate any balanced views if anyone managed to read all this, as I just don’t know any more.

DH tried to drag DS up stairs to bed when he wouldn’t go up on time

they argued over some homework and he was so angry he left DS on his own and went for a walk

Fuck the screen bollocks.
This alone would have me kicking your angry, controlling prick of a husband out of the door.

(I haven’t even covered the bit where he was needling you when you weren’t feeling well)
Who died and made him King of ScreenTime?

There are two sides to every story, and the truth is usually in the middle. I would like to hear his side on this one. Is this, for either of you, just frustration at a long standing undermining of the other?

Your husband has a disturbing lack of control and anger which appears to be escalating .There's being upset at not having a United front and there's being a human landmine waiting to be stepped on,and your little boy sounds like he has anxiety caused by your hubby! Believe me (from my experience) growing up with a volatile parent is no way to live and causes lifelong psychological scars

He likes setting rules, which affect you and have no impact on him. He becomes shouty and aggressive.

What exactly are doing / saying when he makes the rules or becomes aggressive? On the face of it, it seems you are trying to compensate for your husband’s over bearing rules and aggression. This isn’t going to work long term with your ds. He needs absolute consistency. Before long, he will be bigger and stronger than you. Stronger by 12ish.

He likes setting rules, which affect you and have no impact on him. He becomes shouty and aggressive.

This. He gets to try to make you enforce his rules. Bollocks to that.

And it's a holiday for you AND the kids. Why does he get to dictate activities. DD gets more screens on holiday but also no screens during family time or activities. She actually gets a holiday.

It’s hard to explain and probably sounds ridiculous, but he was so adamant about it I just felt it was impossible to disagree. I did try but he got really upset with me.

It doesn't sound ridiculous. It sounds like he doesn't listen to you or respect your opinion! He sounds a bit controlling.

I think your DH sounds overly controlling. Is he really even trying to tell you when you can have screen time or TV? If so then he is treating YOU like a child by trying to dictate.

If my DH tried to dictate to me what I could or couldn't do like that then I would give him very short shrift indeed.

Some of his consequences for your DS sound fairly reasonable but he doesn't seem to know when to stop. Dragging DS around was potentially dangerous and not acceptable. Likewise flouncing out of the house when homeschooling hit snags. Twatty and childish.

Your DH does sound controlling and who knows if he will mellow out after you have a proper chat about it. But kids like it when they have clear defined rules. By being a bit wishy-washy in discipline over screen time and junk food is not helping them in the long term. As your kids get older they may have learned how to walk all over you and maybe not respect you. Not that they will respect their father for being an arse to them either. So they will not benefit at all from this yo-yo parenting, super strict vs super flexible. This may become worse if your relationship breaks down. You may be left with teenagers who essentially do what they want with mum and avoid going to see strict, agressive dad.

I sympathise that it’s easy to give in for a peaceful life, but there is a tipping point. Eventually though, if you are consistent and don’t give in to their push back, your kids will respect the screen time rules etc.

You both have completely opposite parenting techniques.

However what I hate is when one parent put in place a harsh rule/punishment then pisses off leaving the other parent to enforce it/be the bad guy.

You’re unwell you need an easy day refusing all screen time when you feel like death and trying to entertain an eight year old instead is not something you need.
Similarly no screen time rule then going off for a pleasant jog leaving you in charge of the kids, is a cop out.

He’s making very rigid rules/harsh punishments and then expecting you to enforce them whilst he goes off. That’s not reasonable.

You need to be talk and be on the same parenting page.

You do need to find a way of working together on the rules. A friend of mine was a strict parent like your husband and her husband was a softy like you always undermining my friend and they managed to make a complete mess of their children.

I was a single parent and a softy, by the way.

He sounds abusive and controlling

He allows the rules to me as well, so if I use my phone or want to watch anything on a ‘no screen’ day he gets irritated.

This combined with him getting physical with your DC would be an ender for me.

You’re not a child. He doesn’t get to make the rules for you.

Also, the if you spend the most time alone with the kids he’s out of order thinking he can unilaterally make the rules.

I think you need to very carefully look at the number of red flags being waved in your relationship

These issues don’t sound like they suddenly came up one morning . Did you not have any kind of agreement on how you were going to raise your DC. He sounds the polar opposite to you , so of course you are going to have issues .
Fwiw I hate, absolutely hate being undermined , so I would find it very challenging raising DC with someone who didn’t agree with me , and actively undermined me .
You are both adults , sit down , sort out your differences or walk away . The tension and arguments you are putting them through is very unfair and will have long lasting effects on them .

I'm more in the camp that presenting a united front always is not necessarily correct, isn't that a way abuse can be perpetuated?

If the OP isn't able to have proper conversations with her DH in order to avoid being put in a position where she feels the need to undermine him then that is definitely something which needs exploring. If she feels like she can't be heard in private and that he will unilaterally apply rules then I'm not surprised that she kicks the can down the road by exerting an element of parental control in the moment and going against his wishes.

On holiday you were at lunch with the kids @sweetpea36, what led to the scenario where DH goes off for a run by himself and you are left at lunch with the kids? Did you get any child free time that day or another to balance that situation out, did he eat before or after alone and therefore had yet more time when you were responsible for the DC alone whilst supposedly operating under conditions which he had set and you felt powerless to do anything about?

Your DH got so angry with a young child whilst they were in his sole care that he left them in the house alone where even for a short amount of time anything could have happened. This is a huge red flag. If I'm reading correctly you were not present and the situation had nothing to do with you. DH cannot control his actions and whatever the DC did, he should not have walked out.

There does seem to be a tone of abuse about the things you say, when you cannot speak openly with your DH over parenting decisions without feeling you have to let him win there is something very wrong.

@sweetpea36

Thanks it’s really helpful to get all these points of view. Just to clarify, I’m not totally lax and I do definitely think we should limit screen time and unhealthy food, but I wouldn’t have strict rules about it from choice, I’d more just decide as I go along. Eg on a school night maybe an hour, but more on holiday on a rainy day or if we’re having a lazy morning at the weekend. But maybe that isn’t good parenting? They do eat healthily overall and do a good balance of activities usually, although screen time has obviously gone up during lockdown. I’m really worried about the effect on the kids as a PP said, they’re getting confusing messages and hearing us argue about it.

@sweetpea36 I’m really worried about the effect on the kids as a PP said, they’re getting confusing messages and hearing us argue about it. Orimarily because you won't agree or compromise, even when pushed as to what an alternative would be. Take the example of the ipad hidden in bedroom. You were asked then to suggest alternative and you blatantly opt out, wanting an easy life and to be the good cop in effect.

Children need consistency to know where they stand and actually I'd say your wavery approach is more confusing and detrimental than what your oh is trying to instill with his consistent "rules".

I think that as parents you need to start to be on the same page, because that's not potentially harming the children, your sitting on the fence is.

You do need to be a united front for the children and although his behaviour doesn’t sound great, being consistently undermined must be very annoying

Probably best to sit and discuss all these rules to see if you can come to a compromise. If he isn’t interested in discussing with you or respectful of your views though then this is a bigger issue than just the rules

If the reason you don't go directly against him with parenting is because he's domineering and won't listen/compromise, or because you're afraid of his moods/behaviour if you disagree, then you really need to think about whether this is the dynamic you want to continue to live with and have modelled to your children.

If listening to all these people suggesting talk it out/get on the same page means to you that you'll just have to toe his line and he'd never meet you halfway, then actually you're not in an equal relationship and should probably leave.

He is an arse to set rules you don't agree with but are the one expected to enforce and bear the consequences of. He's not your boss, he's supposed to be a partner.

And you and your children shouldn't be subjected to these angry outbursts and flouncing behaviours. Apologies are worthless if he continues to repeat the behaviour. Is this the stuff you want to teach the kids?

Is it confusing for the kids if I don’t follow the same rules as him?

Yes.
I’m not sure the rules are too strict tbh.
You’re definitely not backing your DH up.
Your DS took and hid the had taken my iPad up to bed without asking and hid it Your DH had told him before that if he did it again he wouldn’t have screen time the next day.
So your DS has done this more than once and ignored the warning?
Allowing your DS to sleep in your bed after this incident (with your DH next door) is unbelievable!!
You’re the parents and need to discuss expectations so that you work together.
You are teaching your DS to manipulate and play one parent off against the other!

Hang on - would you have to get “permission” to have a pyjama morning? Ummm wtf? You are a grown up, you can make decisions- why on earth would you have to check this is allowed? For me, this is controlling and unacceptable.

He allows the rules to me as well, so if I use my phone or want to watch anything on a ‘no screen’ day he gets irritated.

He doesn’t get to make the rules. You both do. Tell him that.

I reckon this happens A LOT in families!

The thing is that honestly it does seem like you’re undermining his rules/consequences but equally he’s trying to set rules that effect you without agreeing them with you. I can see why he’s getting frustrated and I can see why you’re finding it difficult; it’s not fair and doesn’t really work to make rules unless you’re both behind it. I’m guessing your kids know the dynamic too and probably play on it.
He does need to learn to manage his anger though as these reactions are not fair on you or your DC.

I did a search and you have been worried about his controlling behaviours and rules since before your children were born and now it is spilling over

Different rules and strictness I suspect are common, dragging a child for refusing isn’t. Clearly he likes rules and can’t cope if not followed but that isn’t helpful for life

At first I felt for your DH because you seemed to be undermining him but as the thread went on I realised that he has not consulted you about the rules that he is applying to you OR the kids.

No taxation without representation! If you’re not part of the rule-making process you don’t have to abide by them or force them onto your kids if you don’t agree with them.

It might be a good idea to apply to your kids too. Have a big family meeting where everyone agrees the rules (within boundaries of course) so they feel involved.

Your DH sounds controlling.

I'm not sure it's right that he dictates how everyone behaves when he isn't there to implement the rules.

But it doesn't seem to be that he is concerned about screens instead it seems he is concerned about putting down rules that people must obey.
It would be better to plan screen time together and if he is running so cannot amuse DCs then he shouldn't dictate the rules.

Does he use a screen, is he against all screens?

Did he come from a family where DF (or DM) was a bully? angry a lot? was another brother favoured? and this is playing out now in his own relationships with his DCs