Had enough of DH’s ‘rules’ and angry outbursts

[sweetpea36]

Apologies in advance for the long post.
As an example - recently DS (aged 8) had taken my iPad up to bed without asking and hidden it, DH had apparently told him before that if he did that again he wouldn’t have screen time the next day. He came down and told me this, I said I wasn’t keen to limit screen time the next day as I’ve been feeling unwell, have both the kids on my own at home (school hols) and didn’t really want the stress of limiting screen time when I’m not well. DH clearly not happy and asked what I was going to do as punishment, I said I didn’t know. He kept asking, I said I was tired and not well so I couldn’t really get my head round it right now. Then he asked when would I decide then, I said I didn’t know, he kept on and on asking what was I going to do. Eventually I got snappy and said do you realise you sound controlling? He said he wasn’t being controlling & became really angry, told me to f**k off, stormed out slamming the door loudly and left the house. Came back a short time later but didn’t speak to me and went straight to the spare room.
In the meantime DS came down asking why was Daddy shouting and slamming the doors. He ended up in bed with me as he couldn’t sleep.
This isn’t the first outburst like this, the other week DH tried to drag DS up stairs to bed when he wouldn’t go up on time. He later apologised to DS & to me saying he was tired and shouldn’t have lost his temper. Also during home schooling, DH texted me when I was out at work (I’m in a key worker job) saying he couldn’t cope with DS - they argued over some homework and he was so angry he left DS on his own and went for a walk, he was out less than 5 minutes but I was angry he’d left him alone in the house. Again he apologised to DS later.
Then there was the time last year we were on holiday, he wanted to have a ‘no screens on holiday’ rule before 5pm. I let DS play Pokemon on my iPhone for 10 mins when DH had gone running and I was in a cafe having lunch with the kids, he was so furious he was in a bad mood with me the rest of the week and refused to be affectionate in any way for the entire holiday!
He seems to have a big anger problem around the kids and rules, he wants set rules for screen time, bed time and how much sweets or biscuits are eaten.
I don’t know if I should be a stricter parent, but I end up being less strict just to balance out him and his rules. Is it confusing for the kids if I don’t follow the same rules as him? I’m actually really fed up of living with all these rules and angry outbursts and think he’s being controlling.
I think his frustration comes from a place of wanting good things for them overall, but he’s too rigid about it. A lot of the time he’s actually a lot more patient than me with the kids but he just can’t stand it if the rules aren’t stuck to.
Would appreciate any balanced views if anyone managed to read all this, as I just don’t know any more.

I wonder what age he was when his parents divorced. If it's around the age your ds is not he may be dealing with emotional stuff around that and is taking it out on his son. I have a friend who went through a very serious family issue at 7. When her dad was 7 and actually looked very like her she went through huge turmoil and her dad suffered. She went to counselling as knew something was wrong. She was not like this with her son. In counselling she got to the bottom of it as all the memories and pain came back and were dealt with. I just wonder is there something triggering your dh here or was his father like this before the divorce or did he continue a relationship with his dad. Counselling would help him.

Things like this happened to me OP, he would dictate then expect me to deal with the punishment then boast about how he’s the better parent and mummy’s the mean one. He too didn’t want anyone touching his things (was an only child and parents divorced when young), and if there was calmness would find something to pick a fight about so he could say I was ‘always angry, a sourpuss etc’. There was money to buy things but he made me feel I couldn’t spend it, because he’d disagree. Then when I objected I was ‘too sensitive’ and ‘irrational’. Glad the prick is dead. OP, do yourself a favour and read up on things, like maybe that Lundy Bancroft book , I’m sure you aren’t undermining him, instead he’s abusing you all.

Do not go into joint counselling with him but go on your own. Joint counselling is not recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship and no decent counsellor would want to see the two of you jointly

I would agree with junebirthdaygirl - something from his childhood is contributing to his behaviour.
It doesn't let him off the hook but it is easier to be understanding if you can see the underlying issues.

Thanks. That is interesting junebirthdaygirl, because he was exactly the same age as DS is now when his parents divorced. And DS is very like his dad in a lot of ways.
Yes, we are the same, have money to buy things but I don’t have the freedom to buy them. And am very often told I’m over sensitive.
I’m a bit confused now whether to try couples counselling or just for me. My gut feeling is individual for me to start with, and see if I can get him to also have some counselling about his anger issues.

So he is financially abusive as well and controlling as well as violent towards your son.

He's a right piece of work.

Do NOT go to counselling with him.
Go on your own and contact Women's Aid.

You and your children are being abused in multiple ways.

You need support to help you see exactly how awful this situation is.

Maybe I haven’t explained very well. Don’t think he is financially abusive, as he’s not bothered about me spending money on stuff for myself and encourages me to quite a lot of the time! It’s more the issue of what to get for the kids. He would spend money on them if he thought it was something that would be good for them, but not for things he sees as unhealthy/unecessary.
I did speak to Women’s Aid once a few years ago when he was having similar angry outbursts (that was directed at me though, not the kids) - I actually nearly left, but then he completely calmed down and things became a lot better. They just seem to have worsened again during the last year, and he’s got more stressed at home with us all being here all the time.
I think I’m seeing a pattern from writing it all down. If there are external stresses in his life, that he can’t control, he becomes more angry and stressed at home and tries to control things. I hate confrontation so I push back by ignoring his rules. Then he gets more angry. This is not no good at all and obviously needs sorting out but I think it makes some sense!

You say you have money, so ask yourself this: If you were to buy a tablet for your DC yourself, what would he do? The answer should inform your decisions.

he sounds a pretty controlling father who has already resorted to dragging a child and leaving them on their own!

He's unilaterally made himself the family gatekeeper / final decision maker parent. It's insufferably self centred and really fucking old fashioned. You are supposed to be a team. It doesn't sound like he wants to enjoy his kids, it sounds like he wants to be a strict and authoritarian parent and that he's fine with the cost of that 'brand' being damage to his relationship with his kids.

He could work hard to find a happy medium through therapy etc but tbh this issue sounds like one that's been apparent for years and exacerbated by parenthood / changed the focus of his anger to them.

I couldn't be arsed trying to make it work with someone who was happy for his partner and kids to be sad as long as he got to be 'in charge'.

I'm not too surprised he gets annoyed with your lax and undermining actions.

However dragging children around and storming off during school learning is pretty bad.

Perhaps you need to balance out a bit- your laxness, and laziness with his too strict mindset, and what seems to be simmering violence.

I wouldn't want to be your children till you sort this out.....

He does sound controlling but it sounds like you are also feeding the dynamic because instead of agreeing a way forward together you are undermining him and not facing up to the fact that you have different views on rules etc. It sounds like you have an unhealthy dynamic where he is the fierce rule maker and you are the soft one who gives in. If you want to stay with him you need to be able to present a united front.

you need to be able to present a united front.

@sweetpea36 I get wht @HotPenguin means and agree with what she's saying when it comes to rules about devices etc- make a compromise between the two of you about when they're allowed devices (or whatever the circumstance is) and stick to it.

But my parents presenting a 'united front' just meant my mum never stood up for me when my dad was unpleasant to me. Please stick up for your children in front of them when your husband acts in a way that isn't ok. Otherwise, as far as they're concerned you're not standing up for them, and that will effect their relationship with you.

He’s made himself CEO of the family when it should be a partnership. He can’t expect to make the rules and insist you enforce them with no discussion- and not allowing you to do the same.
I think often though, people look to exert their authority on others to compensate for other areas of their lives where they feel powerless. If he’s feeling ‘bullied’ by work, he’s simply releasing that anger on you at home.
Understandable in one sense, but clearly not on!! If it’s pointed out to him in the right way, do you think he has the emotional intelligence to see it?

@me4real

you need to be able to present a united front.

@sweetpea36 I get wht @HotPenguin means and agree with what she's saying when it comes to rules about devices etc- make a compromise between the two of you about when they're allowed devices (or whatever the circumstance is) and stick to it.

But my parents presenting a 'united front' just meant my mum never stood up for me when my dad was unpleasant to me. Please stick up for your children in front of them when your husband acts in a way that isn't ok. Otherwise, as far as they're concerned you're not standing up for them, and that will effect their relationship with you.

I completely agree, a united front should definitely have it's limits.