Friends who disappear when the going gets tough

[Londono]

I know everyone is having a very difficult time at the moment and I am cutting everyone in my life slack because of the pandemic but I am going through a really difficult divorce and one of my best friends has been absolutely nowhere to be seen.

We have gone from WhatsApps once a day to once a month, we went for one socially distant walk but that has been it. We live in the same city so it isn't a distance thing. She does have reception aged twins to cope with so during the lockdown I didn't let it rankle too much.

But now I am irritated as I've been there for her during her stillbirth before her IVF twins were born five years ago (visited hospital multiple times until she was allowed home and was there talking for months afterwards) supported her through IVF and her mothers death and babysat for them regularly - we were bridesmaids for each other etc.

Now I'm in turmoil and she is nowhere to be seen and I'm actually very hurt by it. It would be so easy to ask if I wanted to bubble with her and her family - not to overstay my welcome but for a break - or lunch in the garden but nothing.

I might have made it sound like I am the strong one in our friendship but she actually is too so could have coped with some snotty tears from me as we stomped around our city together.

I think this will change how I view her and our friendship from now on, I don't feel like continuing it but I also don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

Anyone else been let down by a good friend during hard times?

who that is very hard, I am sorry - particularly as cancer is incredibly difficult to cope with anyway without the added stress of your friends not stepping up and being there for you. I find some people tend to run a mile, the more serious the problem the further away they run.

Really sorry you're going through this and losing what you thought was trusted friend.
The disappointment is always such a let down as well as upsetting.
I had what I thought was a best friend of 25 years. Our lives were very similar, both mixed race been through the care system/fostered. And we both played guitars/keyboards in a band together there for each other through many things until fairly recently.
I saw his wife in the supermarket and she looked visibly upset, she explained that my friend her husband had a heart event and was in hospital having a stent fitted. I contacted him straight away and he was sent home the next day. Went to visit him taking magazines and fruit as I was very worried about him, we were like brothers.
Time went on and he went back to work the following week.
Another 6 months went by and I became ill, they found a birth defect kinked main artery in my heart and I needed an emergency open heart surgery.
Woke up a day later and went home after 2 weeks. I had my girlfriend to help me for the first week but had to struggle on my own after that.
My daughter saw my friend in the pub a week later and explained I was home, but I never heard a word from him.
Eventually after 7 months I had a paltry txt from him saying glad I was all fixed. I went to hell and back and needed practical help but he was nowhere to be seen.
Suffice to say that friendship is no more....I still can't understand why he was so unbelievably selfish.

This is sadly not uncommon.

A few friends of mine, not super close friends, but friends have had cancer in the last couple of years.

They are all very nice women.

They have been staggered at who has been there for them and the friends that have been nowhere to be seen.

One friend is very pissed off as this sinvle friend of hers has leaned on her for years but was all "oh you'll be fine" whilst she was in the throws of chemo, when she rately gave her a ring.

They work together, senior medics, so friend can't cut her off, but she is no longer taking any after hour calls and is just smiling sweetly and saying "oh dear, so busy" when she meets her in work and is told she really needed a chat.
🙄🤣

I actually think there is more satisfaction in being pleasant but just not available or interested in them.

Whatever works.

How are you feeling OP?

@provencegal yes I think it's just too much for some people, especially as I am relatively young (30s). I've been seeing a psychologist who said it's very common for people to react like this. Oh well, you get to learn who your real friends are I guess.

And the friends that you do have, that have been there for you will remain so close to you who
They are true friends. We are blessed to have even one or two people in our lives that are there for us in all weathers. Even my parents deserted me during bone cancer scans, which was truly shocking. I ended up going alone as dh was ill, and would have compromised all the other patients. At that point I couldn’t bring myself to tell my friends. I did learn that I am stronger than I thought possible.
Some people can’t face suffering, can be very selfish when it comes to it- and are not worth your time.
One day the so called friends may have to face the same situation, and only then will they understand what you have been through 💐💐💐

So awful.
It really must compound the grief of a situation to know that those that should be there for you, as you have been for them, choose not to be.

Clearly I'm not a forgiving person because I would be so done.

There would be no round two for me.

Life is just too short.

I agree with billy, no round twos. Leopard doesn’t change its spots.