Friends who disappear when the going gets tough

[Londono]

I know everyone is having a very difficult time at the moment and I am cutting everyone in my life slack because of the pandemic but I am going through a really difficult divorce and one of my best friends has been absolutely nowhere to be seen.

We have gone from WhatsApps once a day to once a month, we went for one socially distant walk but that has been it. We live in the same city so it isn't a distance thing. She does have reception aged twins to cope with so during the lockdown I didn't let it rankle too much.

But now I am irritated as I've been there for her during her stillbirth before her IVF twins were born five years ago (visited hospital multiple times until she was allowed home and was there talking for months afterwards) supported her through IVF and her mothers death and babysat for them regularly - we were bridesmaids for each other etc.

Now I'm in turmoil and she is nowhere to be seen and I'm actually very hurt by it. It would be so easy to ask if I wanted to bubble with her and her family - not to overstay my welcome but for a break - or lunch in the garden but nothing.

I might have made it sound like I am the strong one in our friendship but she actually is too so could have coped with some snotty tears from me as we stomped around our city together.

I think this will change how I view her and our friendship from now on, I don't feel like continuing it but I also don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

Anyone else been let down by a good friend during hard times?

I've had a (milder) version of what you experienced with a friend during the pandemic. I think it's worth dropping your friend a line to ask how things are going with her, what's up in your life, and when she hopefully asks the same of you being open about how you're feeling. Her response will tell you everything you need to know.

I did the same, not to test my then-friend but genuinely assuming I'd get her support when I needed it, but instead got "Oh. Well here's some good news I have." And that was basically the topic of conversation from then on out. Next!

I'm sorry OP. It's hurt on top of hurt. But what can you do? You can't change their behaviour.

Yes I have been in a similar position, although in very different circumstances, with a friend I love and have frequently supported through some very bad times, none of which were short lived.
However, I have had 3 major traumas in the past 20 years of my life and she has failed each time to offer any support, but suggests she’s ‘not in a good place’ and similar excuses, yet manages to function normally with other people, much like this friend of yours. She has just dropped off the radar each time.
Finally, when going through a particularly bad period last summer when I was feeling alternate hurt and rage, like you are now, the penny finally dropped when I realised that my perception of our friendship was very different to hers. I was that friend who gave unfailing support and permission and forgiveness, etc. to her, but she doesn’t share that loyalty to me. I then understood that I didn’t want to maintain a relationship with her that was so clearly one sided and she no longer deserved the investment of my time which I had freely given. So it was up to me to look rationally and change my view of our friendship as I had wrongly assumed she felt the same as me.
I have walked away with changed expectations and no longer feel hurt or exasperated. I sent her a birthday card as I don’t want to cut her out completely, but am no longer in text contact and certainly don’t want to speak to her as I know we’ll slide back into that one sided relationship, as has happened on 3 occasions previously.
Life and circumstances change us and we need to reassess and evaluate our expectations of others, but of ourselves too.

Like a PP, I’ve not been there for a friend going through a difficult time because of issues going on in my own life that meant I have barely kept going: finding out my partner had an affair which I have not talked about, hitting peri menopause, managing a major project and then lockdown.

It was clear I had been dismissed by my friend because I’d not been in touch, but neither had she before that dismissal.

You mention that your friend has seen other friends. I have picked up some of mine too, but it’s quite selective on my part with people who I know will lift my spirits or where the relationship is fairly superficial so my facade of being ok won’t be rumbled.

The distance between us has also made me realise aspects of her personality, values and beliefs simply don’t align with mine. We were friends who bonded over a common hobby and had similar interests but there were some radical differences of opinion that I had previously ignored in favour of the good bits. Had I not been dismissed by her, I’m not sure I would have bothered to pick the friendship up again anyway.

I’m not suggesting any of these things are playing out with your friend but that it might be a whole set of circumstances culminating for both of you. Friendships, even long, close friendships, can run a course, hurtful though that might be to accept.

To those asking if I have been a burden to her - I haven't had a chance to be! She has literally been nowhere to be seen! She doesn't even know the basics of the living arrangements post divorce etc never mind the utter heartbreak I am feeling as she just hasn't asked me.

And yes, I have asked her about her life - particularly about homeschooling when her twins were in lockdown etc and I dropped off resources to help etc so that alongside with the sad life events I've been there by her side for that I mention in my OP it feels like she has only gone awol when I need her not the other way around.

As I said we used to chatter away during the day before this kicked off. I'm hurt and disappointed and I don't think talking to her about it would help as it wouldn't change the fact that she hasn't been there for me.

I do have other friends, some of whom have been amazing, and a counsellor so I feel like I'm doing all the right things.

to everyone else who has been here. I do know people don't understand this pain of divorce - I certainly didn't - but I would have at least tried to listen and check in from time to time.

This is me too. Also going through divorce and every close friend I have ever had has turned their back. Ive never been so alone in my life, and I feel kicked in the gut by it all esp as one of those close friends is now dating my ex husband. I think her betrayal hurts more than the marriage ending tbh. I don’t trustfriendship any more. Its all bullshit.

Im sorry about your friend op. I know how much you’ll be hurting. You deserve better and im glad that you have other friends to help you.

I feel similar
Dh left start of month and I barely hear from anyone

Simply a case of fair weather friends. They don’t want to deal with your issues, happy for you to deal with theirs. My bf was like this when I went through trauma and I called her out on it. She improved but it felt false as I’d had to call her out first. It’s very hard. Not all friendships are two way traffic unfortunately

Op- I am in your position right now- my LTR broke up a few days before the January lockdown , I lost a friend to suicide a few months previously and I have had the worst 3 months of my life- nothing I have been through before (even the death of a parent) has come close- twice in the last 3 months I have thought about killing myself. I have barely functioned at times. During this time, my absolute best friend who I have supported for years often at my own inconvenience has been no where to be found, got a new boyfriend and become angry at me for not being more interested.It's been so devastating I have even spoken about it at my therapy sessions- looking back now I can see it was unbalanced (she had never had to do anything for me in our friendship as I was stronger) and she is likely a narcissist - she has literally stopped talking to me whilst also posting gushing Social Media posts about her 'best friend' ( a woman she previously confided to me had been pressuring her for money) When I write it all down I feel equal rage, humiliation and embarrassment as friendship issues feel so 'teenage' to care about but they can be so upsetting

On the positive side - I have found friends who I would never have expected - colleagues who have become friends, and friends who have stepped up and at times checked on me hourly (during the 2 crisis days)
I agree with this wholeheartedly
I realised that my perception of our friendship was very different to hers. I was that friend who gave unfailing support and permission and forgiveness, etc. to her, but she doesn’t share that loyalty to me. I then understood that I didn’t want to maintain a relationship with her that was so clearly one sided and she no longer deserved the investment of my time which I had freely given
I've decided to 'reclassify' the friendship in my mind- its not what I thought it was.
Still incredibly hurtful though

@HomicidalPsychoJungleCat that is just outrageous! What a non friend.

OP I've 'divorced' a long term friend after realising the relationship was so unbalanced. It's painful at the time but freeing when you realise that you don't have to deal with their stuff any more.

She's mad to give up such a good friend and she'll realise that one day when she really needs someone herself. Hard to go through now but divesting yourself of baggage opens up space for much better people in your life.

I was dropped from a group when I was having a very difficult time. I asked for a little bit of practical support and it was ignored. Emotional support was non existent for me, yet others in the group were fussed and dropped gifts off etc when they were going through anything.

I would not have treated any of them as they treated me, I thought they were good friends
Now they can get to f*.
I think they are toxic and only there for the good times.
Im done with them.
I am much more guarded now.

I’m sorry that this friend has let you down in this way, OP. I’m afraid this is why it’s said that it’s at times like this that you find out who your real friends are.

I’m glad that you have true friends that have been there for you.

Utterly identify with you OP. During my divorce (pre-COVID) only a couple of people asked after me or stepped up any support. Best friend since Aged 5 barely contacted.

I then shortly after faced a truly horrific bereavement (outside of most people’s experience) and again most people stayed away (including my best friend from aged 5)

I then faced lockdown, home-schooling two young kids as a lone parent, a work-related breakdown, and being diagnosed with a life-long severe & debilitating disability. Aforementioned “friend” had no idea re: any of above as hasn’t contacted me. I contacted her to let her know the basics of what’s happened but got just a text or two in return, mostly centred around her own situation (how difficult she’s finding things) FWIW she has just one child and lives with the dad, and has faced no bereavements, breakdowns or disabilities.

OTOH, my other two best friends from childhood (we were always a group of 4) have been amazing despite having a mountain of problems of their own; we’ve taken it in turns to contact and remotely support eachother during lockdown, recognising that whilst we all have our own crosses to bear these can be shared and strength lies in numbers, not in silent hunkering-down).

Some people are just incapable of dealing with anyone’s traumas but their own- it’s a very sad fact of life. I think also there are a great many low level depressed people out there due to the pandemic, changes in relationships, incomes, circumstances, juggling and they feel mentally they can’t deal with anyone else’s issues so rather than be honest- they avoid them. I would just accept it and wait for them to get in touch- if they don’t then they really aren’t much of a friend - and it was a fair weather friendship

I hear you OP.
The person I considered a really good friend has become increasingly unavailable. They don’t have children and work is a volunteering position, so not under any significant pressure that I’m aware of. To be fair, I wouldn’t know as it’s been so long since we’ve met up.
We’ve been able to go for a socially distanced walk within the ‘rules’ for months but every time I message, there’s an obscure reason why she can’t.

I’ve found lockdown so difficult. Losing my business in 2020 and with young DC to look after, homeschool etc. It’s been so tough for me.
At first I wondered whether she was suffering with her mental health but then I saw on social media that she’s regularly meeting up with others, looking after her sibling’s children etc.
I don’t think I’ve done anything to upset her. I’ve asked one last time to see if she wants to meet up and then that’s it. I can’t waste anymore time and energy on this friendship that feels increasingly one sided. I don’t want to feel like I’m hounding her!

I was totally ghosted a couple of years ago by a fairly new friend but someone I met up with maybe once a month for a coffee or a glass of wine. All of a sudden she stopped responding to anything— she is definitely fine as I’ve seen Facebook posts— I still have no idea what I did/said!!

I sympathize, my DB is dying and two very old friends are nowhere to be seen. My case is slightly different, though, as I was beginning to wonder if they were bored with me before this happened, so the present situation has just crystallised my sense that the friendship has just run its course. Sad, but I'll cut my losses and move on; I'll be polite if they get in touch but I think we're over.

@Mewmin

I've been let down by someone who I thought was my "best" friend. It has become clear that she now views me as an inconvenience even thought I've spent loads of time supporting her in the past. She says she has no time for a phone call or walk even though she doesn't work and has one secondary age child. It's clear I've been "dumped" but I have no idea why. I've asked her straight out what happened and why things have changed but she just says she is too busy. I think I'm most hurt by the fact that she isn't being honest with me. I am going through a hard time and she doesn't even know about it because she "doesn't have time" to even speak to me any more.

It hurts.

I could have written your post @Mewmin. We've been friends for over 40 years, I thought I was a good friend, dropping everything to support her when she had problems. I lost my parents one month apart a few years ago. When my DH contacted my friend to tell her I was struggling, she pointed out that I had other friends to support me. I've actually asked her if she feels like the friendship has run it's course, but she denies this and just says she is too busy to meet. You're so right - it hurts.

In some relationships there are givers and takers.

As you grow older you can identify them quickly.

I now don't have a single friend where there is an imbalance.

The ones were there was an imbalance, once I realised it, I pulled back.

It must be so upsetting OP for you to realise that this so called friend really is a fairweather friend.

Some people will lean on you endlessly but be absolutely nowhere to be seen on a tough day.

I have had this on a couple of occasions and I ruthlessly adjusted my expectations and my availability.

I'm so glad to read that others have stepped up.

Put your time and effort for those that have been there for you.

If I were you I wouldn't say a thing to her.
You say she is prickly AKA you can't say a word to her!

I would behave as normal, tell her nothing of what is going on BUT never in any way be there for her again in any shape or form.

It's ok to be pissed off and hurt but it is very important to not ever be used again by her.

She has shown you EXACTLY who she is.

Now you know.

@billy1966 I think I agree but I don't see how our friendship can go back to what it was once I'm out the other side of this which is what I strongly suspect is what she will want.

We have been friends since primary school so we really have been there for all the big life events so far, it just happens that this is the first huge negative one I've had come my way. At first I wrote a lot of it down to pandemic restrictions but now I don't think that is the catch-all excuse some people might want it to be.

What a shame.

To everyone else in a similar position - I really feel for you - I've got enough acquaintances in my life not to need another one which is where I think she has firmly positioned herself on this stage in my life.

OP,

You know what is completely right for you.

I probably explained myself badly.

What I meant is I wouldn't bother having a blow up with a prickly person.

She can't take any criticism so there probably isn't any point.

I certainly wouldn't want to spend any time with someone who had let me down so badly.

billy is spot on. The blow up will simply give her a good reason to blame you for her short comings. She will say you are demanding too much from her, when all your really asking/needing is support.

It hurts to find out that someone you trusted and counted on is not there for you. On top of the suffering you are already experiencing, now you also have to contend with the realisation that your friend is not really a kind or decent person. A friend that has been a big part of your life for decades. It is in fact another loss. You will grieve for her as well as your marriage almost certainly.

The cruel twist of fate is usually when we need people the most, it is usually the time when we find out that they are not there for us.

I had this experience with my parents of all people, the pain was immense. It took years to recover. Downgrade the friendship, no need to end it if you don't want to. But a readjustment is now needed.

Sympathies OP, I was diagnosed with cancer last year and sadly I've learnt that really shows who your real friends are. Such a shame isn't it?

Oh yes, been there and bought the T-shirt.

When I was going through my divorce (relationship of 20 years), my 2 oldest friends didn't even call me. Not even a text. I didn't expect a visit (we live 300 miles apart), but not even a mention?!

Our divorce was due to ExH cheating, which everyone knew about (I was the last to know). These friends knew that.

Despite my Ex MIL and my 3 SIL's also all knowing about the multiple cheating, they never ever spoke to me again. The reason? "All he did was have a bit of fun, whereas Bluedeblue is breaking up the family".

My very best friend, who I used to text every day, and meet up with 2-3 times a week also went quiet on me, and I later found out that as soon as she found out we were divorcing she made a play for him, and they were shagging....before we had even separated. This "friend" had form - she was also shagging her other friends DH at the time. I never grassed her up, and she, and that couple remain friends today, with the wife none the wiser.

Thankfully, I now have a lovely DH, and all of those wankers can get stuffed.

I will never ever have a close female friend again.