DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

@UhtredRagnarson

DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed.

So he can quit his job and look after his child then. Why is he making this your problem?

I was going to suggest the same.

Some of us are happy with our babies full time, some of us aren't. We don't love them any less. And it is better for a baby to be with a happy mum than with one who is exhausted, bored and frustrated.

And it is better for any woman to be mentally stimulated and fresh for her baby than to be dragging herself through the day . . . and also to have financial options available to her (by, say, earning her own money - just in case . . . )

We could afford not go back so I didn’t

My husbands career has gone from strength to strength over the last decade, in fact his salary has quadrupled ....

..... meanwhile nobody will give me a job despite a decent city career and a great CV

We earned exactly the same amount 15yeara ago!

So I would look long term, I would have tried harder to keep going part time if id known this was going to happen. We didn’t need the money and I wanted to be with my baby but you neee to think further than that

Don't have any more children op, not with him or anyone else.
Bullet proof contraception and a good housekeeping rota to be shared with dp.

I am sorry it as been so rubbish for you. Maybe the pandemic has made it extra hard this last year to enjoy your baby and make new friends. Going back to work if you are not going to be financially better off is a big step, and I wish you well.

As PP mentioned, you are not legally married to your partner. This makes you very vulnerable if you ever become financially dependent on your partner. If he leaves you or dies, you could be up shit creek, frankly.

Frankly, I'd be looking at working full-time, and establishing separate finances. Do you own a property and whose name is it in?

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

@Maddy456

You should do whatever you want. My son is in nursery full time and he absolutely loves it playing all day with his friends. I’m more concerned about why your partner is being so mean to you and trying to put you down ☹️ Looking after children / relationships / life in general is hard! He needs to be supportive of you and building you up, not putting you down.

You're very right!!!

a sexist lazy feckless arsehole who can't be bothered to parent his own child and has 1950s expectations of you

Actually, it's worse than that. At least the 1950s expectation thing included the guy legally marrying the woman, meaning that she could get something out of the mess if he dies or leaves her. OP's "D"P only wants the traditional things that benefit him, basically.

He's entitled to say: I'm really worried about entrusting my son to people we don't know. He's not entitled to say: I'm not willing to give up my job to look after our son but I'm going to force you to.

I loved maternity leave but I also love work. This has been a very bad year to be on maternity leave, no wonder you want to get back to work.

He sounds like the last person I'd be happy to rely on financially. And as someone else said...I hope you aren't paying for all the childcare!!!

The idea that he can't cope looking after his son 🤢... He means he can't be arsed.

@RandomMess

What he means is he doesn't want to pick up his share of the housework and childcare so that you have equal leisure time and equal finances

Yes exactly this

He may as well go part time or quit his job. If you leave your job because he wants you to do it, you will resent him and regret it ever after. Stay independent for your own good.

My exh didn't talk to me for 2 weeks when I went back to work (DS was 4 at the time). He also told me I shouldn't go back to work after maternity leave because financially it doesn't make any sense and he didn't want DS spending time with people he didn't know. It was 10 years ago, I was only 23 and didn't know anything about abusers, financial control. I didn't go back as didn't want to upset him.

Now knowing what I do, I wouldn't even consider not going back to work. Possibly part time, but would never quit.

Please don't let him make you feel quilty. Millions of children are in nurseries full time and are more than happy. DS was in nursery and he loved it. Working full time with a wee one will be busy, will be difficult at times but for the sake of your independence it is totally worth it.

@captainfran

I'd honestly be fucking well furious with the lazy, self entitled prick !!

Not speaking to you ?? He'd have to crawl on hands and knees to even ask to speak to me !!

Whatever you decide, do not keep doing things because fucking 'Diddums' says it's to hard for him !!

Whether you go full or part time, there must be a formal agreement detailing your right to his fucking wages too ! because he's going to be all '' What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too isn't he ??

I really think you need to spell out (in single syllables !!) that he is responsible for 50% of all childcare and 50% of all housework and household admin (including arranging nursery drop off/ pick up etc) as well as being expected to do 50% of 'sick days' at home with DC when they are too sick to go to nursery.

He doesn't get any fucking choice !! He IS a father, which he wanted, and now he has to grow the fuck UP and start behaving like a Father, and not a spoiled brat !

@Kokeshi123

a sexist lazy feckless arsehole who can't be bothered to parent his own child and has 1950s expectations of you

Actually, it's worse than that. At least the 1950s expectation thing included the guy legally marrying the woman, meaning that she could get something out of the mess if he dies or leaves her. OP's "D"P only wants the traditional things that benefit him, basically.

Exactly.

Of what use is this one? Can't be bothered with the kid, doesn't care about the OP's feelings/needs/future and does nothing around the house.

Just..why?

@RandomMess

What he means is he doesn't want to pick up his share of the housework and childcare so that you have equal leisure time and equal finances

And yes, 100% this.

I'd really put the frighteners on him.
Tell him unless he starts pulling his weight and changes his attitude you'll be palming 'him' off permanently, and then he'll be solely responsible for 24/7 childcare half of every week.
I hope your contraception is watertight.

My DP works a mixture of PT or compressed hours, I work FT. My DD has a lovely relationship with her father as a result.

I know other men who work PT or have changed their hours to fit around care of their children between Monday to Friday as I have and do work with them. (I rang my plumber and he couldn't come out in one day in the week because he was caring for his toddler on his own but his working partner could as his day off was different.) The fathers are all ages.

Anyway all the children have a lovely relationship with their fathers as the older ones randomly phone them in the day for help.

Tell your DP if he doesn't want your son in nursery FT to change his working hours and get with the modern world of fatherhood. This means taking time of Monday to Friday to hands on parent his child on his own.

Why do people not discuss these things before having children?

He’ll love nursery, my kids get a lot out of it. They are only there part time though and they days they are with me aren’t as fun for them I don’t think. Your husband is being a dick. You have a bigger problem than childcare.

Whatever you do.. KEEP YOUR JOB no matter what. You do not want to become reliant on DP...

@Checkingout811

Why do people not discuss these things before having children?

Err... Because people sometimes say one thing but do another when the time comes?

Both of mine did 4 days of nursery from 1. They are 7 and 10 and unscathed by the experience. Once we got them settled in they loved it. Still got nursery friends now from several years ago. If I ever used to pick them up early they'd be disappointed to miss out on the next fun thing! So don't feel guilty and stick to your guns.

Btw dont pay nursery fees entirely out of one salary. You're not married so if you dont have fully joint account you need to both transfer half the fee into one account and then pay it to nursery.

Thanks everyone, you're all helping me make sense of why he might have said these things. I will talk to him properly tonight.

This morning he's acting like nothing happened and now he's gone to work. DS is obviously awake so I didn't want to start another argument.

We did discuss it before having DS! He's never expressed a dislike for mothers working or anything like that. Other than him being a bit lazy the last year, I would never have predicted him saying these things. I'm literally going back to work on Monday, he's known about it for weeks and DS has been going to nursery for settling in sessions. I'm not even sure if I could back out now with the nursery (not that I'm going to).

I doubt you will get very far by talking to him. Presumably as well this child has his surname rather than yours and I would also think the word marriage has never passed his lips either.

Glad to read that you will keep your job; you've given up way too much for this man already. Honestly I would quietly start making plans for life going forward as a single parent; this man is showing you now what he is really like and he is not the person you thought he was.

The thing is, what he’s actually saying is - I don’t respect you as a person, I want you at home doing house and child things because I don’t want to and that’s that. It’s very telling that he won’t give up his job to look after your child child but he’s actually trying to get you to...
He doesn’t even give you a lie in for goodness sake as he “can’t cope” - what this means is he can’t be fucked and yet again doesn’t respect you enough to look after his own child. He wants you to do everything. He holds down a job, drives a car, manages his own life - he can manage to clean/cloth/feed his child for a few hours, the problem is he can’t be arsed and doesn’t want to.
This would give me the ick, if not the being a shite parent before that.
A pathetic man is so unattractive.

You need to discuss division of housework/shopping/cooking/laundry as well as childcare, or you'll find yourself working, then coming home to do it all while he sits on his arse.

Good luck.

I have 2 GC both in nursery and both love it and are thriving. One is a 'lock down' baby, as is your DS I assume. My DD worked out that until her DS started nursery he had seen fewer than 10 different faces as all the 'normal' mum and baby activies, that she had expected to take him to, have been closed. She was worried about him developing 'face blindness' - apparently it is a thing - so was very keen for him to mix, He gets very excited when he arrives at nursery and is just excited to see Mum or Dad when he is picked up.
On a different matter you are not married so your DP only has a financial obligation to your DS. If you give up work, or cut your hours how would you cope if your relationship breaks down? I don't want to be pessimistic but my eldest DD was in almost exactly the same position as you and her relationship broke down because her DP couldn't cope with fatherhood. She couldn't leave her DC with her DP for more than an hour or so as he freaked out - so no nights out with friends and if she did lunch she had to take DC with her. Occasionally she worked a weekend and if she did I looked after the baby even though her DP was at home.
I have always made sure that I was in a position to be able to walk away from a relationship if I needed to and brought my 3 DC up the same way - M and F . Therefore my eldest knew she could cope financially when her DP left. The emotional issues are hard enough without financial worries on top.
Do what is right for you and DS. If your DP is adamant that you should not go back to work then you need a honest discussion about finance, roles and the future.
Good Luck 💐

You need to have a very clear discussion with him about how things will be split.

I suspect though that you'll end up having to do everything house, child and work related. He'll always have an excuse as to why he can't drop off / pick up, why he can't take the day off when baby is sick, why he can't make the Easter bonnet for school, why he can't come to the play at Christmas, why he can't start dinner, why he can't do the dishes etc.

If you ever complain about being tired or having too much to do he will say 'well you wanted to work full time.' He will remind you that he graciously offered to let you not work, but that you chose this situation.....

Tbh, I'd be making plans to go it alone. I def wouldn't be having any more children with this man child