DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

But it doesn't mean palming off, which is what OP and her partner mean

It kinda does, a par is like an insult or a rejection.

It’s a slang term, so eg if someone asked you on a date, and you declined you would have ‘parred them off’.
Or you make a joke about someone, then that’s a ‘par’ to them.
So ‘parring someone off’ basically means rejecting - in the case of parring off your kids, he’s basically implying OP is rejecting her children in favour of going back to work.

I haven’t heard the word in years, made me feel all nostalgic, thanks OP 😃

Every Saturday, wake up after your ‘lie in’ (it’s NOT a lie in) and say it’s 7;30? Parring her off on me already? You know the mornings you’re on parenting you are so lucky childcare opens at 7:30 since that’s your parenting limit apparently.

is it a mixture of palming off and farming out?

joking aside op you could say if he wants to marry you and help you feel you have stable access to family money for you and your child, that might help you decide to be a SAHM... but he won't. And you shouldn't be a SAHM as he's obviously horrible, but it's an interesting illustration of how much he wants you to be a real partnership.

@Whitegrapewine paring off, like with a paring knife. Separating and moving it away from another piece.

He's being pared off. That's always been my understanding anyway.

Someone left the gate open to the arsehole field again...

nah, @CorianderBee, it's a common or garden eggcorn.

@HypocriteHunter

Someone left the gate open to the arsehole field again...

🤣 I like this one 😂

So sorry your DP is a complete wanker OP. What he really means is that he wants you to sacrifice your career so he doesn't have to change much at all in his life to look after or spend time with your children or do anything domestic.
Stuff that. Go back, make sure you have solid childcare arrangements the cost of which should be covered proportionately by both of you and split out everything else equally in terms of drop offs / picks ups / housework, cooking etc.

I'd be careful OP, this isn't a good sign in terms of how he views equality in a relationship. Make sure you've got some financial independence and safeguard any joint purchases.

@RoosterRoosteringFree

You’re bored shitless of your baby so it’s best you palm them off for you and babies sake.

There’s always one

@Stitchandapples your husband is a complete prick. Does he tell you that you shouldn't take annual leave to look after your children or is that different?
Reading your post gives me the complete rage.

I think he's worried that when you go back to work you'll get more independence back and challenge the imbalance at home or consider your options.

That's pretty outrageous bullshit.

1. On top of everything else, if you're not married and not independently financially wealthy then you have very little choice but to go back to work, whatever your feelings or desires. Otherwise you leave yourself deeply vulnerable.

1. He needs to do his part of the chores around the house. Full stop. Too bad if he doesn't like it--I doubt you're over the moon about dusting or thrilled to bits to do washing up. It's life.

1. How terribly, terribly sad to hear that he doesn't like to spend time with his baby. I am not being ironic. It's one thing to want a life outside of solely being a parent. That's fine! That's healthy! That can make you a well-rounded human and a better parent! But not to want to spend any time alone with your kid, ever, and assume the child is the mother's job? That's awfully sad.

I am someone who would, where possible have the baby at home. But that is my choice and there are two parents - how dare he tell you the baby is 100% your responsibility? If he wants to have the baby at home more, he should do it.

So he’s sexist, a hypocrite and can’t look after his own child.

Does he have any redeeming qualities? Cos you haven’t posted any so far.

I have only read page 1 and all your replies.
Please please please do not hive up work, please contribute to a pension scheme and please make him share childcare costs.
I won’t bore you with my story but 20 years on, married with 3 kids and repeated infidelity I am totally stuck. From the outside I have a charmed and privileged life. I see no difference between my children and those that have been in childcare when their mums went back to work, in fact, they seem do better. I should never have given up work. Always give yourself options.

So you've been able to find a full time job in a bad economy, do all the housework and all the childcare. What exactly do you need him for? He can't even cope with his own child for a few hours.

*Why doesn't your partner go fuck himself?
*
I'd like to know this too.

Jesus fucking Christ. If you looked after the baby for a year then surely it’s his turn? Honestly, the sexism from some men is shocking. I went back FT when DC were six months and from that point all childcare and housework became a 50/50 split. That seems to be fairly normal amongst my friends.

When people say a situation is "different" when you flip it round, they usually mean that the difference is it applies to them.

So he’s happy to go to work and par this baby off and only see him at weekends

But you aren’t

Pot kettle black

Omg, don't give up your career and financial independence! Especially if you aren't married, but either way.

@Enough4me

I think he's worried that when you go back to work you'll get more independence back and challenge the imbalance at home or consider your options.

Exactly. And perhaps you should.

He still isn't talking to me, I don't know what to think.

Maybe feel blessed to be spared the crap that seems to be dribbling out of his mouth.

Seriously, if he really feels so strongly about it, he can stay home. His problem is easily solved by him.

You should do whatever you want. My son is in nursery full time and he absolutely loves it playing all day with his friends. I’m more concerned about why your partner is being so mean to you and trying to put you down ☹️ Looking after children / relationships / life in general is hard! He needs to be supportive of you and building you up, not putting you down.