DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

[captainfran]

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

Dear Lord you had a child with this man.

This sounds like a slippery slope to abuse. I don't mean physical but emotional. You won't earn so you're reliant on him.
Do not listen to him. Keep working, keep topping up your pension, think of the future :)

So your preparing to go back to work and he is treating you like shit and ignoring you. How lovely, its stressful preparing to settle your baby after maternity leave never mind returning to work. He does very little with his DC, does zilch round the house now and is critical and now treats you like a 50s housewife. your not married so do not stop working, maintain your independence. Given his attitude I would expect things to get worse when you return as he wont want anything to change.

And for context op my husband works full time, I work four days and look after our boy Fridays but I'm actually exhausted my husband told me we should put DS to nursery on the Friday to give me a break. He also get up with DS both days of the weekend and I sleep in until 9.30am! I was talking about this Friday being the first with Ds at nursery and how I want to make lots of food and put in freezer as I think that will give us time back in the evenings and he said "don't so anything if you don't feel up to it, Friday is your day to relax and put your feet up" ...that is the kind of guy you deserve!!!

He sounds awful, he’s just worried if you go back to work he’ll have to actually do something - right now it’s all ‘why hasn’t this been done, what have you been doing all day’.
He going to lose that ‘power’ if you go back. What a twat.

As an aside, I haven’t heard ‘parring off’ in years, it was deffo slang when I was in school, I’m in E London, so it may be regional.
I feel like it might be West Indian slang, but might be making that up

You really need to stop doing everything and stop accepting shit efforts from him. Parenting and adulting isn’t optional.

Yeah nip this in the bud pronto or you will be back on here in 2 years with a unanimous LTB.

What a twat. Start with a proper lie in one day each over the weekend.

I feel you pain.
My DH refuses to book annual leave in the school holidays unless I am off too because he’s not spending his annual leave ‘babysitting.’ He gets a load more annual leave than me as well because he’s worked in his company a long time and he buys extra holiday. I am desperately trying to accrue some overtime so I can have a couple of extra days over the summer.

@Stitchandapples

I feel you pain. My DH refuses to book annual leave in the school holidays unless I am off too because he’s not spending his annual leave ‘babysitting.’ He gets a load more annual leave than me as well because he’s worked in his company a long time and he buys extra holiday. I am desperately trying to accrue some overtime so I can have a couple of extra days over the summer.

So he does not like his dc?

He’s also never taken either of my (our) dc anywhere on his own and the oldest is nearly 12.

Childcare gets cheaper when the child turns 3, so even if your wage isn't covering much more than fees, it will only be for a couple of years. In the meantime, you will gain pension contributions and stay at the same level with potential for promotion. Having a long time out of work makes it harder to go back, particularly at the same level. If you give up work it is you who will be disadvantaged, not him.

embrace when I have the dc I’m ‘doing nothing’ but apparently it must be doing something because he doesn’t want to do it 🤔

My marriage has ended predominantly because of this bullshit ... although it took 12 years .
Christ if I had my time back ....
Never again ...
How incredible it was to meet my equal .
Don't waste your time .
It's a portion of your life you'll never get back .

Oh my goodness dont let him make you feel guilty you are 100% in the right. How is it 'not the same' absolute rubbish.

Just a side note, you wont be able to continue doing all housework yourself and working 4 days a week. He needs to pull his weight. if he Carrys on like this you may not want to be with him in a few years time and will be grateful you kept your own career going

My daughter has THRIVED at nursery dont feel any guilt.

Chin up. It is really hard, but I left my eldest at 7 months and went back to work full time because I couldn't do the full time mum thing either. My DH was a bit emotional about it too, but he just wanted me to be happy. It helped that my income was the same as my husband's, and left us in profit after childcare. Don't be too pissed off with him either though. All change is hard to adjust to, and it doesn't come bigger than children. He'll have to work out what he wants to do about his preferences, as others have said. It's great that your mum can have him a bit. Stay positive.

Making you feel guilty now may be a way of ensuring you keep picking up all the household stuff too - so that you’re pushed into feeling you have to prove that you having a job doesn’t change things at home. Don’t fall for that one OP!

Oof, I’d really nip that in the bud - he really is being nasty. You gotta get through to him v clearly that HE HAS CROSSED A LINE and

• you are no more palming the baby off than him
• going back to work isn’t about what you earn in the next few years, it’s about maintaining a career for life
• so now is a good time for him to up his daddy skills cos when you go back it will be 50/50 - start him doing more NOW
• the crack about friends was cuntish, and you may well prefer to make friends at work etc

Seriously he’s being nasty and selfish - don’t let him get away with this, or carry on being a lazy big kid. And if you aren’t married - it’s especially crackers to give up work.

I hope I'm wrong about this but I find it sad to think how many men have kids because they simply want to pass on their genes. They neglect to tell their partners that the reason why they're so enthusiastic is not because of parenting or fatherhood, whilst the woman thinks she's found a star of a husband but finds out in 20 years it might have almost been less stress if she had kept her job and gone the sperm donation route. I guess it depends on the woman and situation though.

@daisyjgrey

Parred off is a thing, it's just a slang thing rather than proper terminology.

But it doesn't mean palming off, which is what OP and her partner mean.

Ask him what the point of him is.

stitchandapples why were you not divorced as soon as he said for the first time that he wouldn’t use annual leave to be a parent? Isn’t that shit just an instant you are no partner to me and this relationship is deader than a doornail?

I've tried to read the full thread but may have missed if anyone has already said this...when you do go back to work (not if you go back, you must must must go back) then make sure it is not you solely paying the nursery fees. It's a joint 'household' expense and needs to be treated as such. It's not for you to pay on your own.

And please don't have any more children until you've resolved his shitty attitude or you're making yourself even more vulnerable. As PPs have said, you're not married and he wants you to stay home, this all makes you financially reliant on him and up shit creek without a paddle if your relationship breaks down.

@Graphista @Bluntness100 THIS! They are spot on! @captainfran Your partner would've gotten the hell out of there had you been dealing with a special needs child-I'd bet my paycheck on that! He'd have stroked out had you a nursing career like mine-out 14 hours 3 days a week! My husband can hold the fort down and thrive and yours can't make it to 8 am? Pitiful! By the way my severely disabled adult child needs total care.

He has clearly enjoyed having a little woman at home and isn’t looking forward to stepping up. You could need that job more than you might ever know in the future

He's welcome to take the time off, if he's that bothered, I'm sure.