Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you consider a male partner 17 years younger

157 replies

HaggisBurger · 17/04/2021 17:00

Just that really...It’s a bit (a lot) of a hypothetical as I’m only recently separated so not dating for now. But I have an attraction for a much younger man (early 30s) - a lot of which is based on his personality and outlook on life (not just the physical - promise 😉). It’s an acceptable age difference the other way round but I can’t help think people would view the older female / younger man combo oddly.

Has it worked for anyone you know?

OP posts:
Pesimistic · 21/04/2021 18:08

I wouldn't personally as I'd be forever looking over my shoulder especially if it lasted a fair while, and I'd aged and lost my estrogen glow, I don't think alot of men would happy stay with a much older woman passed a certain age.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 21/04/2021 18:11

No, I'm only 18 years older than my son, so would find it too weird.

Gensola · 21/04/2021 18:22

@KingdomScrolls 🤣

My DH is 20 years older than me, we are very happy. My mum is 17 years older than my step-dad (who is almost the same age as me!) and they’ve been happily married for 13 or 14 years. It’s all down to the individuals,
With my mum and Sdad you can’t really tell there’s a huge age gap because he could be anywhere between 36 (his age) and 46ish and she looks very young for her age (she is 52 and could easily pass for 45).
I do look younger than I am, but DH is well kept and we don’t get many funny looks Grin

SylvieHortensis · 21/04/2021 18:31

I'd aged and lost my estrogen glow

Jesus - the ageism and sexism!

Alcemeg · 21/04/2021 18:49

@SylvieHortensis

I'd aged and lost my estrogen glow

Jesus - the ageism and sexism!

I'm just making the most of things before I grow a moustache and smell of wee 🤣
Pesimistic · 21/04/2021 19:40

@SylvieHortensis

I'd aged and lost my estrogen glow

Jesus - the ageism and sexism!

It's true though isn't it !
LockdownLard · 21/04/2021 20:57

What I find amusing is the majority of the people on here who have experienced relationships with a big age gap themselves or in their family are largely very positive about their relationships, whereas the negativity comes from people worried about superficial and shallow reasons such as looks, aging, the “estrogen glow” 😂 no wonder older women feel invisible if that’s the attitude.

OP I would listen to the people who have actually experienced a relationship with an age gap and go for it.

Rewis · 21/04/2021 21:03

I wouldn't start dating someone 17years younger than me cause that would land me in jail 😉

However, I dont see a problem when both are adults. Also all relationships don't have to be forever. You can just see how it goes.

SwimBaby · 21/04/2021 21:20

My DM married a man 23 years younger when she was early 50’s. The marriage lasted about 6 years, I think it was a huge muck up as since then she has been on her own since. I think it would have been a lot better for my DM to have found someone of a similar age when she was in her 50’s.

SylvieHortensis · 21/04/2021 21:41

@Pesimistic - no it's not true at all. Plenty of women remain attractive post menopause.

@Alcemeg Grin

Craftycorvid · 21/04/2021 21:51

DH is 20 years older than me. We met when I was 30 and I think it makes a difference - younger than that someone is probably still working out who they are (mind you, I’m still working on that one now!). Age gaps can be challenging when you find yourselves at very different life stages. I’m still looking for the next challenge and DH has retired - it’s not been easy at times. I was always very attracted to older men - these days younger ones are looking more appealing but I realise they’re the age younger me thought of as sexy ‘older’ men Shock

Sakurami · 21/04/2021 21:58

Not at all uptight nor acting my age and some. I behave not much differently than I did 20 years ago but I am at a different stage in life to someone young enough to almost he my child. I don't think it is fair on them. In my 20s I did fancy some 40 year olds.

I know of two women who married men a lot older and one is a widow in her 60s who spent some of her 40s and all her 50s looking after a man with alzheimer's. Another one who is also a widow who took on a stepmother role to his kids and now that she is a similar age to what he was when they got together can't imagine doing the same.

And there are plenty of stories here of women regretting being in relationships with much older men. Some happy ones too as we have seen on this thread.

And the reason why I am voicing my opinion is because it was asked of us on this thread.

dancemusicsexromance · 22/04/2021 07:01

My mum was 15 years older than my lovely step dad. He passed away last year after 26 years together.
They were perfect together.
The age gap was never apparent.
They were soul mates.

We used to joke that he would be looking after her in old age.
The last few years she was his carer due to his illness so it didn't work out how it was supposed to.

But for both of them it was the greatest love of their lives.

newnortherner111 · 22/04/2021 07:13

I think you do need to recognise the possibility that in a few years time he may not be as keen. Unfair as it would be different were you 17 years younger, but possibly the reality.

GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 22/04/2021 07:16

@Sittinonthesand

No! And I don’t think it’s ok the other way round either.
This
caringcaroline · 22/04/2021 07:45

I did. Partner is 19 years younger. 9 years on and we're still going strong. The factors that bind us are being on similar wave lengths intellectually, having strongly weathered a number of life stresses together - and survived, and laughter. We laugh alot - and banter. Like any relationship, it's not perfect but unlike my exh, he functions as an adult and not a man-child, which my ex was. That was a blessed relief.

I have older children (now, 19 and 17) and they get on really well with him. He has made concerted efforts from the start to support them and still does. We've talked about the possibility of him not having his 'own' kids but he would rather be with me than not, so as far as he's concerned, that's that. Of course, anything can happen in life and he might meet someone who he'd rather be with down the line but mumsnet is no stranger to that happening, whatever the age. I would be heart-broken, understandably. I would not think 'that's 10/20 or, whatever, years of my life wasted'. We would have had great times.

I'm a relatively young looking 60 and sometimes I think I have more energy than him. Very rarely come the comments about being his mum. When they do, I just think it's rather rude for them to voice views on physical appearance. He just says 'actually, this is my other half'. And we smile at them trying to dig themselves out of the faux pas hole.

jannyapple · 22/04/2021 08:28

Good for you @caringcaroline

As you say so many relationships that seem ideal on paper .. will either fail or succeed .. in the same way that age gap ones will do
Enjoy and be thankful you have a partner you love who clearly loves you and your children too ! Daffodil

CornishPastyDownUnder · 22/04/2021 08:31

urgh i reckon itd feel a bit noncey@HaggisBurger

Maggiesfarm · 22/04/2021 09:01

I wouldn't like it but it does work sometimes.

Letthefunandgamesstart · 22/04/2021 09:13

At the moment I am dating a man 13 years younger than me (I'm 63). We had known one another for many years before getting together. I am more concerned about the age gap than he is. When we got together we said it was just a bit of fun but we are still going strong after 6 months - now lockdown is easing, it will be interesting to see if we move away from the home visits to more 'normal' dating. He really is a gorgeous man and we get on so well - if it ends, I will have no regrets whatsoever. BTW He doesn't have children but I have 2 children and 3 grandchildren!!

DinosaurDiana · 22/04/2021 09:13

No. Absolutely not.

Maggiesfarm · 22/04/2021 09:24

@Letthefunandgamesstart

At the moment I am dating a man 13 years younger than me (I'm 63). We had known one another for many years before getting together. I am more concerned about the age gap than he is. When we got together we said it was just a bit of fun but we are still going strong after 6 months - now lockdown is easing, it will be interesting to see if we move away from the home visits to more 'normal' dating. He really is a gorgeous man and we get on so well - if it ends, I will have no regrets whatsoever. BTW He doesn't have children but I have 2 children and 3 grandchildren!!
Good for you! You have a sensible attitude though and are not living with him.
Original poster
HaggisBurger · 22/04/2021 11:18

@caringcaroline

I did. Partner is 19 years younger. 9 years on and we're still going strong. The factors that bind us are being on similar wave lengths intellectually, having strongly weathered a number of life stresses together - and survived, and laughter. We laugh alot - and banter. Like any relationship, it's not perfect but unlike my exh, he functions as an adult and not a man-child, which my ex was. That was a blessed relief.

I have older children (now, 19 and 17) and they get on really well with him. He has made concerted efforts from the start to support them and still does. We've talked about the possibility of him not having his 'own' kids but he would rather be with me than not, so as far as he's concerned, that's that. Of course, anything can happen in life and he might meet someone who he'd rather be with down the line but mumsnet is no stranger to that happening, whatever the age. I would be heart-broken, understandably. I would not think 'that's 10/20 or, whatever, years of my life wasted'. We would have had great times.

I'm a relatively young looking 60 and sometimes I think I have more energy than him. Very rarely come the comments about being his mum. When they do, I just think it's rather rude for them to voice views on physical appearance. He just says 'actually, this is my other half'. And we smile at them trying to dig themselves out of the faux pas hole.

That’s lovely @caringcaroline. I think that’s a good way to look at it.
OP posts:
Original poster
HaggisBurger · 22/04/2021 11:19

@CornishPastyDownUnder

urgh i reckon itd feel a bit noncey@HaggisBurger
Noncey? 😬 I’m not sure people in their 30s are the target of “nonces” but hey 🤷🏻‍♀️
OP posts:
garlictwist · 22/04/2021 11:19

My other half is ten years younger than me. We got together when I was thirty and he was twenty. We have been together for 12 years now.

It works well but neither of us wants children so it hasn't really mattered about biological clocks etc.