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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this freak you out?

134 replies

Chickencuddle · 16/04/2021 08:34

So I have a history of sexual abuse and very small things can trigger me so It might just be me.
Last night I woke in the night to my husband climbing on top of me and lying on top of me. He kept bringing his face close to my face like nose to nose and then bringing it away then doing the same thing again and lying on me. I just Froze. I lay there for a bit Jyst kind of frozen then after a few minutes I opened my eyes to see if he was awake or had been sleepwalking. When I opened my eyes he was next to me just staring right at me. I pretended I had just woken up and asked him to pass me the water. I had a drink and we both went back to sleep. But it totay freaked me out and I feel like I just don't want to be around him atm. I know I probably sound dramatic

OP posts:
Shutupyoutart · 16/04/2021 20:49

Ok chicken putting aside his past behaviour for a moment. He has done something(laying on top of you) to you without your consent while you were asleep, knowing your past abuse and that it could be triggering for you and has left you feeling uncomfortable enough to post on here for advice. As an isolated incident my response would still be the same, yes it would freak me out, no it is not ok. Ever. I know you want to believe hes changed i wish i could say he has but people like that dont change, ok so hes being 'nice' for now, his mask will slip again. Your an intelligent woman with better instincts than you give yourself credit for, trust them. Go back and re read your other threads remember your own words. You deserve better than this and so do your children. X

Mumkins42 · 16/04/2021 20:53

You wont get our answer here. Why will you not just ask him outright? If you're concerned what his answer will be maybe that's why you aren't asking him. If you are calm and assertive and explain that it made you feel very uncomfortable you are doing nothing wrong. It isn't mean to him, it isn't weak, it's the right thing to do. Go ask him xx

BurtonHouse · 16/04/2021 22:47

Oh Chicken, I remember your previous thread and have often wondered what happened to you and where you were. I'm sorry you are still with this awful, abusive and cruel creature.
One day maybe you may find the strength to take yourself and your poor children away from him and live the life you deserve, free from his creepy, toxic, hideously over-sexualised behaviour.
Sending you positive thoughts.

BanditoShipman · 16/04/2021 22:57

I read your previous threads, well one and a bit of a second one, then I felt too sick and distressed to continue reading, he rapes and sexually assaults you and abuses your children. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started sexually abusing them too as he appears to have no boundaries in this respect at all.

I understand how hard it must be and your very difficult background but you are failing your children. When they are older they will hate you for not saving them.

buddy79 · 16/04/2021 23:13

I haven’t read yr history or the full thread. But as a single event, in a relationship, no this is not normal. The fact you froze - in a safe relationship you would feel safe to tell him that this behaviour makes you feel freaked out. If he was really doing it in his sleep you might even shove him off you and laugh about it. Can you imagine doing either of those things with him?
It seems like he makes you feel frightened and that is never ok. I think it is time to think about leaving.

Jesskir89 · 16/04/2021 23:37

Op I've not read your previous threads but people don't move like this in their sleep unless they have a sleeping disorder. If he had a sleeping disorder you'd know about it by now... just Google it. From. What other posters have said I think you know what you need to do Flowers

SushiYum · 16/04/2021 23:55

Sounds like he was fully awake as he heard you ask for water. Night terrors involve your eyes being open, but you won’t be responsive.

I saw your other thread and you need to get away from this controlling rapist. This seems like Stockholm syndrome. Leave before your DC grow up to think toxic abusive relationships are normal. Do you want them to end up in relationships like this? Break this cycle.

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2021 00:14

@ElspethFlashman

Just like all the other times he told you he was asleep when you realised he was assaulting you in your sleep?
This I’m afraid. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...
EarringsandLipstick · 17/04/2021 00:30

OP, another one who's read your previous 2 threads. They were just heart-breaking.

I'm glad you've come back again, tho so sorry you felt you had to return, and hope you might be ready to finally leave this abusive man.

Sending you strength. 🙏🏻

Sassy14 · 17/04/2021 00:33

@Chickencuddle If you believe he done it whilst he was asleep though why are you posting on here and asking all of us? Confused

Personally I would find his behaviour very creepy and red flags would be going off in my head. I think you are thinking the same but won't admit it... please look after yourself and your children.

Palaver1 · 17/04/2021 00:36

Your feelings are right .
You can't and shouldn't trust him.
He hasn't changed but you have get him out of your life.

VenusTiger · 17/04/2021 01:15

I'd say his past is TOTALLY relevant, considering he has one that relates to this current situation OP.
You can't look forward as a couple without looking back at the problems and solving them - he's basically bringing up the past isn't he?
Is 'I was asleep' going to be his new excuse?
He is supposed to protect you OP not make you feel a victim in danger.

mrfrostywasadick · 17/04/2021 01:50

He is doing it again though. If you've been in a shelter then do they know you've gone back? Will social services be involved with the kids?

AmyLou100 · 17/04/2021 07:44

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Dotell · 17/04/2021 09:13

OP find some strength and dignity FFS. If that's not enough find you anger, where is it? How fucking dare he do this to you again.

Dontcallmewifey · 18/04/2021 16:56

@buddy79

I haven’t read yr history or the full thread. But as a single event, in a relationship, no this is not normal. The fact you froze - in a safe relationship you would feel safe to tell him that this behaviour makes you feel freaked out. If he was really doing it in his sleep you might even shove him off you and laugh about it. Can you imagine doing either of those things with him? It seems like he makes you feel frightened and that is never ok. I think it is time to think about leaving.
Absolutely all of this.

You came here to see what people thought. People thought this was weird and frightening behaviour from him even without knowing his rapist past. Now they know he has previously sexually assaulted you they can see that this was not weird behaviour but typical behaviour of a serial sex offender. And you are his serial victim. That is why he was checking if you were deeply asleep. He wants to keep on assaulting you. That is why he doesn't want you to leave. And you staying will just confirm to him how weak your boundaries still are. You found the strength to leave him before and you can again.

Dontcallmewifey · 18/04/2021 17:06

And it is not unusual for abused women to find their partners really nice outside of the abuse. I had a friend who worked in women's refuges and she said it was confusing for women precisely because of this. The fact that he is nice and things are good outside of the abuse, does not make him not an abusive man, it makes him a typical abusive man.

EarthSight · 18/04/2021 23:10

@Morgan12

If my husband did this I'd say 'what are you doing?' 😲 imagine that.
Oh shut up. You're talking out of our arse. Arrogant and patronising.

The OP is a previous victim of sexual abuse. Freezing is a totally normal fear response.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/04/2021 23:29

Just want you to know that many of us are thinking of you and still hoping you can get away from this man. You and your kids deserve better. If you need signposting to any additional resources or you need moral support then we are here. You're in danger, your kids are living in an abusive household. It's awful to hear i know but accepting that abusers like this man do not change is such an important step in giving yourself permission to leave Thanks

YellowPurple · 18/04/2021 23:41

He has raped you in the past and touched you before when you was asleel

He hasn't changed
He has just taken his time to start behaving like he use to

Get out, stay away from him

He will never change

RiojaRose · 19/04/2021 02:06

That would definitely freak me out. Most people just sleep when they’re actually asleep. I’ve had a lot of partners in my many years on this planet and none of them have climbed on top of me in their sleep.

I don’t know much about slept disorders, but I think people who do sexual things in their sleep usually have a history of other things like sleepwalking. If your partner doesn’t have this, I’d assume the most likely explanation is that he’s a controlling bastard rapist - which is statistically much more common.

Reinventinganna · 19/04/2021 05:10

Yes it would freak me out even without everything else he’s done.
I do all sorts of weird stuff in my sleep but I would never sexually assault someone.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 20/04/2021 15:45

He does have a past of sleepwalking as a child and as an adult he has sometimes done wierd things like trying to take radiator off the wall as he said our dog was trapped behind.
He would sometimes keep hitting the bed saying there was a spider. This was a few years ago but as you can see he does sometimes do things while asleep. The touching thing I think was deliberate as he has managed to stop since I left but now this...

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 20/04/2021 15:54

Op, how can you believe anything he says? He hasn't changed. He still wants to abuse you, and he was just checking you were asleep so he could.

Please - you and your dc deserve better.

Your partner should protect you - you shouldn't need protection from him. This relationship is all kind of fucked up, and your kids will think it's normal if you stay.

Get out while you can. Go back to WA. Ask for help.

Quartz2208 · 20/04/2021 16:12

Chickencuddle DH did the spider in bed whilst asleep two nights ago and you could definitely tell he was asleep there was nothing ambigous about it.

He certainly couldnt have handed me water or gone back to sleep because he was never awake