Would this freak you out?

[Chickencuddle]

So I have a history of sexual abuse and very small things can trigger me so It might just be me.
Last night I woke in the night to my husband climbing on top of me and lying on top of me. He kept bringing his face close to my face like nose to nose and then bringing it away then doing the same thing again and lying on me. I just Froze. I lay there for a bit Jyst kind of frozen then after a few minutes I opened my eyes to see if he was awake or had been sleepwalking. When I opened my eyes he was next to me just staring right at me. I pretended I had just woken up and asked him to pass me the water. I had a drink and we both went back to sleep. But it totay freaked me out and I feel like I just don't want to be around him atm. I know I probably sound dramatic

I didn't bring the past up because I wanted to know opinions without bias on this singular event

I answered based on.just that event before other posters mentioned your other threads .. and I thought it was very very strange, creepy and kinda threatening.

If he's sexually assaulted you in your sleep before and you've now pulled him up.on it, it sounds like he was testing to see if you were asleep, how deeply, if you felt him etc before he did something to you.

@Chickencuddle

I didn't bring the past up because I wanted to know opinions without bias on this singular event He is actually being great and has promised he won't do anything like that ever again and is being really great with kids too. I feel like to trust him again we have to get back to being normal and see how he is if I slept on the couch or whatever things would never be back to normal. I still think about things but am trying to go off the here and now.

But my love without bias is foolish when your safety and your kids' wellness is in question.

If one man, once, in frustration calls someone a name for example, then it's totally different to a man calling someone a name repeatedly and relentlessly for years.

If one man forgets to pick up his kids from school on a particularly busy day, once, and is mortified he does so, that is different to a man doing so regularly and not giving a fuck.

Your husband has, for years, repeatedly, relentlessly and cruelly subjected you to sexual, verbal and emotional abuse.

Men like that do not change. They cannot change. That is who they are.

The best you can hope for is that you remove your children from the awful situation of living with that man 100% of the time. Even if you had to go 50/50 at least 50% of the time they would be with a decent parent - you.

The things he has done arent mistakes, they aren't blips, they aren't anomalies. They are the behaviour of an abusive man who believes he should access to you sexually whenever you want - even in front of your children. He has literally told you that.

Please, if you stay with him then acknowledge the damage this is doing to your children. I believe doing so will give you the strength you need to leave.

The thought of a man anywhere near decent touching his wife sexually against her will in front of their kids is fucking horrific. The lighter incident is still one of the worse things I've ever read on here. Ever.

I'm so upset for you and your kids that you seem willing to risk your mental health as well as theirs for this man.

This is what you're showing them a relationship looks like.

If your children are in a relationship like yours as adults, what would you tell them to do? Do whatever that is.

He wasn't asleep. He was doing it on purpose and previous behaviour exactly like this. How can you sleep in the same house as him? I mean I get that YOU have a choice but you poor poor children. How do you know he hasn't been in their rooms trying this shit?

He hasn't changed.

He WONT change. And your kids are being totally destroyed by this.

I hope you are ready for them to develop trust issues, have poor boundaries and even possibly end up with personality disorders from this life style you choose to live. You are condemning them to a terrible life with a man that by your own admission you do not trust.

@Chickencuddle

I think he could have done it in his sleep though.

You want that to be the case, because the alternative is that you've given yet another chance to a man who is sexually, verbally and emotionally abusive. Unfortunately that is what's happened. Whether he did it in his sleep or not (which he didn't, I would bet my life on it) he is still an abuser, a misogynist and a man who doesn't believe he needs a woman's consent to touch or have sex with them. This is madness. You can't keep giving him more chances, it's so unfair on you and the children too.

@Chickencuddle

I think he could have done it in his sleep though.

That might be possible if it wasn't for all the multitude of times he's sexually assaulted you before. So no, in this case it's not possible that he was asleep.

@Chickencuddle

I think he could have done it in his sleep though.

No you dont.

Stop lying to yourself. You don't think that at all.

You've even literally said when you looked, he was wide awake and staring at you.

How long are you going to lie to yourself? Rather than just be brave and admit you made a mistake, picked a wrong'un and are in serious, serious danger. He is dangerous.

Even if he was doing it in his sleep, that still means you need to sleep separately from now on. Stop trying to understand it and take steps to protect yourself! Perminantly.

DId he give you the drink as if he were awake because if he did there is no chance he was asleep.

You know you are starting to be back to where you were before OP which is why you have posted.

What's the statistic, it takes an abused woman seven tries to successfully leave her abuser? I don't know if you had ever tried before your most recent attempt. But I think he is dangerous and I hope you take the next attempt soon and make it permanent. I don't know that he'll allow you to make a third. 😥

Even that act on his own would freak me out without the history. It's just wrong.

With the history it's even more concerning. Please contact womensaid and get some support W

And please OP don't think those of us who have been here for you from the start are against you, it's quite the opposite. We want you and your children to be safe and that isn't something that has been prioritised so far. It's painful to hear I know, but it's true. They are living with an abuser and you are being abused. There is no happy, healthy environment within that. You need to plan to leave to keep you and them safe. He has frequently assaulted you both in your sleep and while you're awake. Sometimes in front of your children. Sharing a house with this man, let alone a bed, is dangerous and foolish. Please think about this carefully. What would you tell your child to do in a relationship like this?

Even if he starts being really nice now and fine I know he will always have done these things and that he could again. So I wont let myself be swayed even if it's an ongoing battle. Sometimes when he is doing these things its actually easier to think clearly and not as much of a mind f-ck

This is what you posted on 30 November 2020. Listen to yourself then. You deserve a life without harrassment, fear, confusion and self-doubt.

On the basis of that singular event yes, I'd be massively freaked out and I'd be wondering what else he thought he could get away with while I was 'asleep'. I read the post before I clocked your user name and instantly thought of you. Then I saw it actually was you posting.

Chickencuddle with all the love in the world, he's still the same dangerous, boundary-trampling, sexually-abusive, horrendous father that he was before. You can have a better life for yourself and you can save your children from this man.

In a trusting loving relationship with no history or concern - Id think this was weird and I’d be uncomfortable about it
unless he was asleep

In a new relationship I’d be scared
And in a relationship with previous issues I’d be terrified. There’s no possible good reason for this if he was awake.

Oh op I’ve just read some of the updates from other posters about your history
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

On its own it’s a red flag and possibly reason to leave, even as an isolated incident
but with all that other stuff please get yourself and your children to safety op

@Chickencuddle I’m so sorry this is still happening to you but all the pp’s are spot on, you should read the responses on here again and again.

I say this with kindness, you are so naive to think that he has changed, just because he tells you he has. Perpetrators of the kind of abuse he dishes out do not just ‘change’. It will take committed and prolonged professional intervention for it even to be an option.

I will repeat what I have said before, one day your children will talk, they will alert someone to the abusive home they are living in (and so they should, they need protection) and decisions will then not be your own.

You know he is abusive, you know he is. You know this is damaging to your children, don’t be complicit, get them out. X

Chicken please, please wake up and smell the coffee!!! So many posters in your previous threads tried to help and support you, and here you are again - back to square one! I don't want to be harsh, but how long are you going to dance this dance?

Hi chicken

I just wanted to come on and say, that the day you choose to leave him, you will thrive.

You will succeed, you will be happy, and strong, and have a good life, and so will your children.

Please tell yourself that every day until you build the strength to leave for good.

@Chickencuddle

I think he could have done it in his sleep though.

You don't really believe that, tho, do you? Not if you're honest with yourself.

Rather than just be brave and admit you made a mistake, picked a wrong'un ..

That's pretty victim blame-y - op hasn't made a mistake or "picked a wrong un" ... She's gotten into a relationship with a man who she presumably thought was normal and ok, who has proven not to be over time. Like many people.

Her only mistake would be staying with him now he's proven to be a fkg weirdo.

It doesn't sound like he could've done it in his sleep because you mentioned him stating at you.put that together with all his other behaviour and it looks like he was testing if you would wake up before be did more stuff to you.

This type of guy, I'd worry he might sexual take images of you while asleep too.

OP, your abusive childhood has set you up to accept this abusive relationship. It's all you've ever known.

But there is better than this and you deserve more in life.

people don't do shit like this OP. i've watched 1000's of people sleep and no one has ever done crap like this, if you think he moves like this in his sleep you've been brainwashed.
i read the post twice, i could only think of doing something like this IF the bed was against the wall and i needed to crawl over my dh to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
you're being played and you're mental health is at risk.

Oh Chicken I’ve been wondering how you are - keep posting- we are here for you. You know he’s doing it on purpose and sadly is about to ramp it all up again. Women’s refuge are still there for you too- take care