Rich Man Mean?

[247]

Had a crappy long and drawn out debate with DH in which it is very obvious we have quite different values. Since he is the breadwinner then I guess I have to accept it, but boy I am not happy. DH had nothing when i met and married him but we were happy and in love, isnt that the most important thing. Anyway, the years have gone by, 20 to be exact and he is now rich. We have a 2£m home, DCs in private ed, expensive cars etc, successful business etc, but we do not live an expensive lifestyle, ie lots of holidays, designer gear, trips out etc. I just happened to mention that DD would like (has not asked and never does) 3 expensive items including a handbag. Now she is only 13 and he has a problem with the fact a) she does not need a handbag b) she should not be wearing any designer clothes and c) if he lets have have these things she will be spoilt! I just don't get it, she is not a brat, never asks for anythingand more often than not wears quite cheap clothes. Whats his problem. I told him if I had money I would like my family to have the finest of everything. Now I know that is not the main focus in life but surely it would be a different matter and I was asking for stuff that we cannot afford. Am i so very wrong. Opions please, but please don't slate me. I grew up with not much at all and we have made a lot of sacrifices to be where we are now, 20yrs down the line should we not be enjoying the fruits of our labour?

I actually, well almost, spend less money on myself than I did before I married him 20ys ago and never complained during all the years we had no spare cash. I am immensly proud of him and he has some good qualities, probably his biggest failing is a lack of understanding women and their needs. He doesn't care how smart or otherwise I am turned out. I don't believe I have had a single compliment in all of our 20yrs.

Just curious - do you get an annual/regular allowance 'pay rise' and how is the increase arrived at? Are there special payments made by your dh for special occasions (birthdays, Christmas, etc)?

inflation increased by .1 percent more than expected, too!

reminds me of alan sugar's wife telling the story that she once got a birthday card from him signed 'regards, Alan Sugar'.

Common trait in highflying types I think - being absolutely rubbish at relationship-y stuff.

I think a reasonable allowance would be half his monthly income - anything less than that is a travesty.

Then each month the two of you can sit down and write out cheques for half each of the food bills, electric bills, school fees, council tax etc, etc.

It also means that you'll be able to save for your own future. I take it he hasn't organised a pension for you either.

IMO it would be a bit pointless for him to direct half his earnings to his dw so they could write cheques for half the bills each out of what is effectively one pot. That is just kidology.

I'm probably using hyperbole to underline the point. At the moment he is hoarding all the money for himself, it is not one pot, it is his pot. If he is unable to share like an adult then perhaps the only thing to do is to split it two ways.

At the moment 247 is a poor woman in a rich man's marriage and her husband seems to like it that way which is completely awful.

If he shopped at New Look or Primark or M&S then perhaps it wouldn't be so bad but it's designer gear for him and cheap clothes for his wife who he expects to spend her life cleaning his expensive house.

but I have to say 247's situation mirrors mine almost entirely and sometimes it does get my back up that I wear cheap stuff and he wear expensive things for example but the thing is I dont really have a yearning for the dear stuff its just that sometimes I feel put out that I dont have free reign to buy what I like as he does without being answerable to me.

Then, I'll have a tiny thought in the back of my mind that, to be fair to him, it kind of is mostly his money, because he earnt it, its just that, as his wife, I want 'my dibs' so to speak without being made to feel like I am trying to rob him.

Other times I feel really naughty for whingeing about my relationship as I know people have stress with the partners + money worries on top which I am lucky not to have as at the end of the day, we are cared for financially and always will be I suppose.

Hope that makes sense.

As I say, conflicting emotions some of which I am sure 247 can identify with.

He pays all bills, birthdays, xmas, school stuff, car stuff, dentists, holidays, he also draws a small salary in comparision to what he earns so that he does not pay tax, so strictly speaking I do not even know what his annual salary really is. Last yr he told me he personally earned £1m

He usuall y only takes a maximum of 1 x 2wk holiday, sometimes only 1wk per year. I take the DC off for a month but then that is the only holiday we have, nonetheless, without him. NHe never suggests we go out although we often take the DC to a restaurant at the wkend. He bought a small property for his parents a few years ago, they live abroad so that they can rent it out and have an income, I was not consulted.

same here - no idea of dh's true income. Like you, he pays for everything pretty much - I pay for groceries, dd's sundries and my bits and bobs out of my allowance which is quite a bit less than yours 247, so negotiations might be in order - Will have to tell dh that he is falling short of the MN average allowance and I need a pay review (reliant on a satisfactory appraisal obviously )

Sorry for being flippant I'm only kidding - although dh would probably think an appraisal a very good idea

It does make sense and it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

Marriage vows -

"with all my worldly goods I thee endow"

Marriage above all other things is a legal contract where wealth is shared between husbands and wives. Give yourself more credit for what you contribute to the marriage and family and thus what you can expect to get out of it.

OMG 247, this is getting eerie now - DH bought a property for HIS parents - without consultation! He also arranged for it to be put in trust for dd - without consultation - I caught him out having a solicitors appt - him and his mother - to do the paperwork, without telling me a thing about it. Now, I did go barmy then I have to say. His money is his business to a degree, but keeping stuff regarding dd secret is control freakery gone too far.

I'm actually fuming thinking about that

Can you tell I like ranting and raving about him. I know its not nice but I get so fed up sometimes, its like well if I don't have his love then at least I would appreciate the monetry side to compensate. BTW he considers himself to be extremely generous. Hes going to float his co nxt year!!!!!!!!!!

The other thing you could do would be to investigate their financial affairs (the small salary, no tax thing sounds extremely dodgy) and then threaten them with the Inland Revenue if they don't start treating you fairly.

Who's name is your house in 247? Are you on the deeds? I'm wondering if he's fixed it so it's owned by his company.

binkleandflip, I remember going to sort out our wills with him at the solicitors office and he has arranged for someone else to be executor of his will! He doesn't trust that I will look after the money property and there is loads of stuff in trust for the DC which I will not be able to get my hands on.

I am on the house deeds as far as I recall and my name is somewhere on the company docs but can't quite remember. We are buying a property abroad but he is buying under the company name, supposedly because I want it but in reality it is more to do with him wanting to invest. Also spoke about HE is thinking of buying property here for the DCs futre (investment wise), note the use of HE, not WE.

247, I feel for your situation. It sounds like your dh pursued/is pursuing his dream, but he expects you to be satisfied with crumbs.

Did he give you more love and respect when you were both struggling or did his wealth go to his head? Did you guess when you married him the man that he would become?

having an executor for your estate that is not you or your dh is fairly common.

the issue here is he is a control freak. you don't even know what you're worth. he keeps the purse strings tight, keeps vital info from you, and effectively treats you like a child. you are a minor in this relationship.

you have to start exerting your power. and you do have it. a lot of it. but you have to want to enough.

We were blissfully happy when he had nothing, the more successful he has become the less important I have been, he is a great father, but ultimately yes he should be a single man persuing his dream. There was never an indication life would turn out like this.

its hard to exert any power warthog, he already sees me as materialistic and ungrateful, selfish, unsupportive..........I really cant be doing with any further resentment.

well you can tell him the truth - that you want his love and respect back. that's not materialistic, unsupportive, ungrateful or selfish.

ask him how.

I sympathise with the OP on this one (seemingly one of the few lol). To paint a parallel picture, I'm poor, but if my DS really wanted something that I could afford to get him, and he wasn't being pushy or a brat about it, then I would buy it. One designer handbag and a few nice togs ain't gonna turn the girl into Paris Hilton. It's supposed to be fun to treat our kids, especially when they are lovely, well balanced and they jolly well deserve it.

But not an issue worth getting divorced over I'm sure!

this isn't about buying a handbag. this is about change that happens over the course of one's life where one's outlook changes drastically from one's partner's.

the op's dh works constantly, witholds love and respect, and controls the money. in turn for putting up with no love and feeling unappreciated the op would like to be compensated with money. the dh therefore feels unappreciated and thinks his dw is money grabbing. it's a catch 22.

"he is a great father"

A man who makes his children's mother unhappy isn't a good father. Your happiness is one of the most imporant contributors to your children having a decent childhood.