Ask him or snoop?

[poorsole]

Married 20-odd years, both brought emotional baggage which caused problems between us with intimacy and trust for a long time, much improved in recent years and probably closer now than we've ever been. That's the background, he's never cheated (neither have I) but there have been some minor lies in the past and I will accept it doesn't take much to set off my 'spidey senses'.

So we share an email inbox (set up years ago when we first got broadband) so we have different addresses but they all go to the same inbox. A couple of weeks ago I noticed he'd received a 'reset password' email for Instagram, which I didn't know he used. Didn't really think anything of it til I went back into email later on and noticed it had been deleted, bearing in mind neither of us ever delete anything and usually end up having a massive purge every few months when there's 10000 to be deleted in one go So I checked the 'bin' folder and sure enough there was the email, except I checked again 5 minutes later and he'd deleted it from there too.

I've said nothing, spent the last two weeks trying to make my peace with/pluck up courage to check his phone. Know full well if he's up to something he won't just tell me if I ask and I will have given him the heads up but I hate the thought of snooping and so far can't bring myself to do it. I know his passcode and have had plenty of opportunities but I chicken out every time, partly because it feels wrong and partly because I'm scared of what I'll find I think.

He's not behaving differently otherwise, not secretive with his phone and knows I know the code (he hasn't changed it either) but probably also knows I'm unlikely to go looking so could be 'hiding in plain sight' kind of thing. I just can't settle on what to do for the best and it's starting to really affect me now, he knows there's something wrong too and I feel like I'm being unfair to him to not just tell him what's up, but then I'm scared I'm right and he is hiding something and then I'll never know. Help

This is quite a difficult situation for you. Do you have Instagram? What were the past lies about?

He deleted it for a reason. The reason was he didn't want you to see it.

Question is, why?

If you ask and he denies....you're stuck. Maybe see if he has the Instagram app on his phone ?

Somethings up... hopefully it's nothing major
Xx

He does have the app, I got that far but couldn't bring myself to open it, I feel physically sick every time I try. I don't have Instagram currently, his account is private so all I can see from searching his username on google is how many following/followers he has and that he has 0 posts. Have considered making an account and requesting to follow him to see how he reacts but that might still give him the heads up I'm onto something and potentially make him cover his tracks. Ugh.

Does he use WhatsApp?

Ask him when he set up his Instagram account

The lies were mostly stupid stuff, nothing to do with cheating but still damaged my ability to trust that what he says to me is the truth. It hasn't happened for a long time and we did a lot of talking both about why he lied and the effect it had on me so I would hope he wouldn't do it to me now, which makes him deleting the email even worse in my mind.

Yes he uses WhatsApp Geppili, why do you ask?

Again I'm afraid of giving him the heads up and sending him further into hiding if I ask anything jelly, then I'll never know.

What’s the issue with him having Instagram? Is there a backstory for using SM? I mean, bazillions of people have Insta accounts, I follow about 800 accounts and hashtags

No issue with him being on Instagram no Cockenspiel, as I said I didn't think anything of it until he deleted the email, that's what has rung alarm bells.

I asked about WhatsApp because that is often a preferred way for cheaters to communicate. Instagram seems less sinister. Is he maybe following women on Instagram?

Could be Geppili, he knows that would be a dealbreaker for me, I find sleazy men a complete turn off. Pretty sure his WhatsApp is clean, he will happily open it in front of me and he doesn't use it much.

Poorsole I totally get that. I really feel for you. I too would be torn between looking at his phone and not. I think that you would be wise to wait and watch. Maybe more insight/advice will come on your thread. Sendings hugs.

Of course we don't know but maybe he's following women on Instagram

It might seem petty to some but it would be the end if he was following women on there, he's always sold himself as 'not like that' and it would feel like I'd been living with someone I didn't really know all these years if it turns out he is exactly 'like that'. I know I'm going to have to look, think I need to just do it and stop putting myself through this to-ing and fro-ing, I feel physically ill.

Let me get it straight - you’ve been together for 20 years. Relationship has had issues, but in recent years it’s been ‘better than it’s ever been’.
And you volunteer you have overactive spidey senses.
You also seem to imply that it if followed (or liked?) women on Instagram - you’d leave?

This makes no sense to me. You know him over many years. He has niver cheated.
And, I presume, he has never been a sleazy man - you’d have noticed over the years, no?
So - maybe he uses Instagram. Maybe he even looks at some pictures of women there - who knows. Certainly in the past year our entertainment options weren’t vast and mindless surfing was a thing.
So - really - why are you this suspicious on so little to go on? And especially given the state of your relationship and how there are no obvious signs....

Just go ahead and look at his phone. Or your head would create even worse scenarios. But if it’s all about Instagram and clicks - it’s really silly.
Seems that the baggage you brought into the relationship is still around.

Yeah, just look. If it's bothering you that much. But it sounds like he changed his password so you probably can't anyway.

Yes the baggage is still around MMmomDD, for both of us unfortunately. We are learning to handle it better but it still rears it's head sometimes and we're having to just muddle through, can't afford counselling. It's been very dysfunctional at times and we've both done and said things we shouldn't have so we've created our own baggage to boot. I've been upfront that this isn't an entirely healthy relationship so I'm unsurprised it makes no sense to you, doesn't to me a lot of the time either tbh.

OP - people have histories and baggage.
What I was referring to as making no sense was throwing away a long marriage that in your first post you described as being in a good place for several years by now.
But this post is different.
You seem unhappy. And I doubt it’s because of a suspected use of Instagram.

You don’t need to make up reasons if you went out. ‘being like that’ - ‘not being like that’ - just sound like you are looking for a reason. And what does it even mean?
If ‘like that’ means seeing people of oppose sex as attractive - we are all like that. And they isn’t limited to our spouses. And doesn’t make us sleazy.
And as I said - this past year has no doubt been challenging for most people. And I am guessing we all indulged in whatever escapism kept us sane. For many - it was social media.

Unfortunately op a lot of men are on Instagram for only fans . It's where they send money to accounts through messaging on the Instagram app and the women send nudes

I would just go on his app and look at his search bar and messages also bank statements x

@gord2018

Unfortunately op a lot of men are on Instagram for only fans . It's where they send money to accounts through messaging on the Instagram app and the women send nudes

@gord2018 Oh stop it, don't make stuff up.

That isn't true op, you don't need Instagran for Onlyfans, Onlyfans is it's own website and you pay through the Onlyfans website or app, it has nothing to do with Instagram at all so I have no idea what this poster is rambling on about.

There is a multitude of reasons that your husband could have downloaded Instagram, he may had tried it, realised it was crap and deleted it. However, you said he deleted the password email from the deleted inbox too, which does sound a bit suspicious. If I were in your position I would tell him directly that I feel uncomfortable about it and ask to look at his account.

You will probably be able to tell from his reaction if he has anything to hide on there. If he lets you look, have a look at his search history on the app, his direct messages, and you can also go through the settings to see which posts he has "liked" or commented on.

Tried again to look at his phone last night, still couldn't do it. I really want to just be able to ask him, I feel like our relationship as it is now deserves for me to be secure enough to just ask him and trust that he will tell me the truth and that I will be doing it, and him, a disservice to sneak around behind his back and snoop.

But my biggest fear is that he's not the person I believe him to be, I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, for him to betray me or prove himself to be not the man I thought he was. I don't know where this comes from really, I have been cheated on in the past but I think most people probably have and I'm not sure these feelings stem purely from that.

The lies he told earlier in the relationship have definitely contributed but I'm not sure that's it either really. I just have this deep seated fear that he will turn out to be a massive misogynistic sleaze underneath it all and i will end up feeling completely betrayed and taken for a fool. I thought this was behind me, there's been no lies and nothing to tweak my radar in a long time and I don't give this stuff a first thought, let alone second in normal circumstances, it's just when something like the deleted email happens and rocks my trust again.

I really don't know what to do but I have to do something soon, it's not fair on him that he knows something's wrong and I can't/won't tell him what it is and it's making me miserable and anxious in myself. I know no one can tell me what to do, or give me the courage to commit to a course of action and get on with it but I really wish someone could.

Can you just say to him, "hey sweetie, I'm having an anxious meltdown over here for various reasons plus our past baggage, chuck me your phone so I can give my head a wobble"?

I could do exactly that yes category12, the problem is that I can't 100% predict the response and I'm afraid I might still be left with questions and therefore no better off. He has reacted defensively to issues in the past and if it goes badly and, for instance, he says he needs to go and clear his head then I will forever wonder if he deleted stuff.

I'd like to think we've moved on enough for him to not be offended, hand his phone over and put my mind at rest but I can't be sure he will and so I'm afraid to 'blow my cover' and risk being left with doubts. I really want to do exactly as you suggest, I want to trust what we have now and just ask him but the fear that I'm just leaving myself open to being deceived is stopping me. But I can't seem to do the alternative either and that's just leaving me in this horrible limbo.