Ask him or snoop?

[poorsole]

Married 20-odd years, both brought emotional baggage which caused problems between us with intimacy and trust for a long time, much improved in recent years and probably closer now than we've ever been. That's the background, he's never cheated (neither have I) but there have been some minor lies in the past and I will accept it doesn't take much to set off my 'spidey senses'.

So we share an email inbox (set up years ago when we first got broadband) so we have different addresses but they all go to the same inbox. A couple of weeks ago I noticed he'd received a 'reset password' email for Instagram, which I didn't know he used. Didn't really think anything of it til I went back into email later on and noticed it had been deleted, bearing in mind neither of us ever delete anything and usually end up having a massive purge every few months when there's 10000 to be deleted in one go So I checked the 'bin' folder and sure enough there was the email, except I checked again 5 minutes later and he'd deleted it from there too.

I've said nothing, spent the last two weeks trying to make my peace with/pluck up courage to check his phone. Know full well if he's up to something he won't just tell me if I ask and I will have given him the heads up but I hate the thought of snooping and so far can't bring myself to do it. I know his passcode and have had plenty of opportunities but I chicken out every time, partly because it feels wrong and partly because I'm scared of what I'll find I think.

He's not behaving differently otherwise, not secretive with his phone and knows I know the code (he hasn't changed it either) but probably also knows I'm unlikely to go looking so could be 'hiding in plain sight' kind of thing. I just can't settle on what to do for the best and it's starting to really affect me now, he knows there's something wrong too and I feel like I'm being unfair to him to not just tell him what's up, but then I'm scared I'm right and he is hiding something and then I'll never know. Help

OP - I am sorry if I misunderstood your mentioning of being cheated in the past as being issues with past partners.
And I have not suggested you are insecure, or had any judgements on where you boundaries are. People are free to have their boundaries where they chose.
There was no rhetoric on my side.

It’s just I do often find myself on the other side of typical MN approach of always blaming the man for everything. I think it’s not fair.

I get some of where you are coming from. My father wasn’t around for much of my childhood and it certainly affected my earlier relationships. But it wasn’t the men’s fault that I felt that way.
I did have therapy and it helped me separate my anger towards my father from how I am in relationships. Also - getting older helped too.

As to your marriage - I am sorry you have struggled with all kinds of issues over this many years. Not sure I’d have stayed that long if it was bringing these many issues my way.
But really - for your sanity sake - stop waiting for him to trip up. It must be exhausting it to keep working on issues for over 20 years. No?
Can’t you just try enjoying life together or apart?

Our issues are a tiny part of a 20 year marriage, of course that's been the focus here because it's the subject of the thread but it's definitely not the miserable existence you seem to assume, or the sum total of our relationship. I have to ask, have you ever had a long term relationship? If so you must surely realise they are multi faceted things and only a tiny section has been discussed here? Fancy reducing someone's whole relationship to a single, current issue and assuming there's no value to the rest! Off to enjoy my Saturday now, I suspect it's far more exhausting being you than it is being in my marriage

Josuk

It’s just I do often find myself on the other side of typical MN approach of always blaming the man for everything. I think it’s not fair.

That’s not what I see happening at all
I can’t help but wonder if you also go into the forum that litter the internet like the Mgtow , the incel threads , threads where they talk about women being a waste of oxygen over 25 ? The men’s sites where the rate and judgemental women’s bodies or just the plain old sites where men literally talk shit about women and blame them . Do you get on there and accuse them all of ‘ blaming women for everything . So you get accused of being a woman ? Do you defend women against the blatant sexism all over the internet or is it only men you defend ?
No , Josuk I think you have very limited understanding of the fact a huge amount of men lie about their online activities and there’s NO EXCUSE . Yes women today may be insecure abd worried about being lied to and they are totally right to be worried in a world where people ( even some WOMEN ) run around shout ‘ well of course they are gonna lie if they are getting a hard time about it off the woman ‘
Unacceptable

@poorsole

Our issues are a tiny part of a 20 year marriage, of course that's been the focus here because it's the subject of the thread but it's definitely not the miserable existence you seem to assume, or the sum total of our relationship. I have to ask, have you ever had a long term relationship? If so you must surely realise they are multi faceted things and only a tiny section has been discussed here? Fancy reducing someone's whole relationship to a single, current issue and assuming there's no value to the rest! Off to enjoy my Saturday now, I suspect it's far more exhausting being you than it is being in my marriage

Have a lovely day

Thank you Washingtofold I will, and you too

@Washingtofold
Speechless. You are either very unhappy, or very damaged to be so worked up about some stranger on the web who you don’t know.
It’s not news that MN isn’t always balanced and men/women get different comments for similar issues on here. Just because there are worse places on the web where men are being pigs - doesn’t make it right to be one-sided on here.

And @poorsole - If you describe your relationship as having constant issues over time - that is how it will look to anyone who is reading.
And as to reducing anything to one dimension. You repeatedly did it to your H upthread. You kept going on an on how he ‘isn’t the person he claims to be’. And it sounded like the only bit of his personality that mattered to you was his suspected improper phone usage. 20 years of marriage seem to not have given him any other dimensions.
But your marriage - your choice how to live in it.

Off to the gym now. Exhausting as it may be...

@josuk no I’m neither angry or unhappy Just wondering why you think your bias against women is so justified and myself speechless that any woman in 2021 can behave so anti women and say the things you do and not see it

@Washingtofold
I believe treating men and women fairly doesn’t make it a bias. Automatic assumption one gender is alway guilty doesn’t help anyone, and is plain wrong.
Historic mistreatment of women by men doesn’t give us a right to act or be treated as superior.
And in 2021 especially - I don’t think there is one way to be a woman. .

In your definition - in the most simplistic way - the only way to be pro-woman is by being anti-men. And I strongly disagree with that.

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself @poorsole , virtually entirely turning it around on yourself and saying it's just your issues. It could be something, and it's not completely and utterly irrational to not trust him, especially if he's done stuff to mislead you in the past.

[quote Josuk]@Washingtofold
I believe treating men and women fairly doesn’t make it a bias. Automatic assumption one gender is alway guilty doesn’t help anyone, and is plain wrong.
Historic mistreatment of women by men doesn’t give us a right to act or be treated as superior.
And in 2021 especially - I don’t think there is one way to be a woman. .

In your definition - in the most simplistic way - the only way to be pro-woman is by being anti-men. And I strongly disagree with that.[/quote]
And once again Josuk that’s not written anywhere by me whatsoever . Another thing you have just assumed and taken liberty to put in someone’s mouth
I certainly do believe that being biased anti male or anti female is bad . However it seems that if one is one a forum frequently telling women they are insecure and making assumptions about them that most certainly seems biased
. The OP is happy , and the situation is resolved . You chose to misunderstand and misrepresent her words and you have done with me . Having a reasoned conversation with yoh seems impossible as you sound very angry
I won’t be responding again

@Josuk

I would love to know where your adoration of men comes from. We can only comment on each individual post and come to conclusions from what we read.

It does seem you are on some sort of personal crusade to defend men, who don't need defending. You talk of historic abuse, I'm afraid abuse is very much in the present and will no doubt be part of women's future, and I very much doubt that abuse has led to women feeling superior, quite the opposite.

If I am pro woman it is because I defend the underdog, the opressed, the victims which in society the majority of those are women.
You may not be a victim, maybe you feel you are leading a lifestyle that puts you in control, one day, you too may discover that you may have been manipulated by the male species, just a thought.

[quote Onthedunes]@Josuk

I would love to know where your adoration of men comes from. We can only comment on each individual post and come to conclusions from what we read.

It does seem you are on some sort of personal crusade to defend men, who don't need defending. You talk of historic abuse, I'm afraid abuse is very much in the present and will no doubt be part of women's future, and I very much doubt that abuse has led to women feeling superior, quite the opposite.

If I am pro woman it is because I defend the underdog, the opressed, the victims which in society the majority of those are women.
You may not be a victim, maybe you feel you are leading a lifestyle that puts you in control, one day, you too may discover that you may have been manipulated by the male species, just a thought.[/quote]
This x 10

If you describe your relationship as having constant issues

Again Josuk, show me where I've said this? I said we had trust and intimacy issues at the start and that this issue flared up sporadically, usually in response to DH doing something unusual or out of character which sparks it, exactly like the deleted email.

I've said that we go years between these incidents and that we've made huge progress with our original issues in recent years, how are you equating that to 'constant issues'? And why on earth keep trying to argue you're right and I'm wrong about that when obviously I know best what is happening in my relationship?!!! It wouldn't be so bad if my posts were easy to misinterpret but no one else seems to be having any trouble so I can only assume you struggle with reading/comprehension, in which case maybe don't post unless you're sure you've understood

Or of course it could be wilful misinterpretation to fit in with the rhetoric you claim not to have, I think I know which my money is on