Ask him or snoop?

[poorsole]

Married 20-odd years, both brought emotional baggage which caused problems between us with intimacy and trust for a long time, much improved in recent years and probably closer now than we've ever been. That's the background, he's never cheated (neither have I) but there have been some minor lies in the past and I will accept it doesn't take much to set off my 'spidey senses'.

So we share an email inbox (set up years ago when we first got broadband) so we have different addresses but they all go to the same inbox. A couple of weeks ago I noticed he'd received a 'reset password' email for Instagram, which I didn't know he used. Didn't really think anything of it til I went back into email later on and noticed it had been deleted, bearing in mind neither of us ever delete anything and usually end up having a massive purge every few months when there's 10000 to be deleted in one go So I checked the 'bin' folder and sure enough there was the email, except I checked again 5 minutes later and he'd deleted it from there too.

I've said nothing, spent the last two weeks trying to make my peace with/pluck up courage to check his phone. Know full well if he's up to something he won't just tell me if I ask and I will have given him the heads up but I hate the thought of snooping and so far can't bring myself to do it. I know his passcode and have had plenty of opportunities but I chicken out every time, partly because it feels wrong and partly because I'm scared of what I'll find I think.

He's not behaving differently otherwise, not secretive with his phone and knows I know the code (he hasn't changed it either) but probably also knows I'm unlikely to go looking so could be 'hiding in plain sight' kind of thing. I just can't settle on what to do for the best and it's starting to really affect me now, he knows there's something wrong too and I feel like I'm being unfair to him to not just tell him what's up, but then I'm scared I'm right and he is hiding something and then I'll never know. Help

@poorsole

I wish I could get it across properly that it really isn't about porn/women, it's about lies. And that it's not about jealousy or being a prude, I'm neither as it goes. It's that he set himself up as a paragon of virtue in the first place and has spent time and energy reinforcing that image ever since, despite me giving no indication I wanted such a saint for a husband. The 'standards' (for want of a better word) I've come to expect from him are of his making, which is what makes it such a head-fuck when he doesn't stick to them.

I still couldn't bring myself to look last night anyway so think I'm going to have to just ask him why he deleted the email and take my chances with his reaction.

Yes I totally get that, but I think that the point being made by many here is it doesn’t really matter why you have the boundary . Whether that’s because you think porn is a fucked and abusive industry or whether it’s because he lied and set himself self up as someone completely different You’re entitled to have whatever boundaries you have about being lied to or not being with sleazes or not being with someone who shoots animals or whatever . None of that makes anyone a ‘ prude ‘ or makes their reasons more or less valid He set himself up as a decent guy . Personally I think that a guy looking at Instagram may or may not be decent depending on what gear looking at . I’m far from a prude i promise you You clearly think that him setting himself up as the image he did was somehow important to you ? I mean if he set himself up as a man who didn’t like cake and yoh caught hi. Eating cake on day I don’t think your reaction. Would be so strong . So clearly you feel something was of value in him not being the type of guy who was online liking naked women .otherwise the lie wouldn’t matter to you . If that’s what he even did? How about if he came to you and said he’s changed and he now wants to use porn and Instagram for naked models . Would you be ok with that . I do understand what your saying about the lying but I honestly think you’ll find this goes deeper . Because there’s so much pressure on women to accept this rubbish they often feel they are prudes or somehow wrong to call it out for what it is Something yo think about maybe ? I do hope you’re doing ok

OP - what will you do once you catch him out not being the ‘man of virtue’?
Your posts feel like you are out to prove something. Prove you are better than him? Tear him down somehow...🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you want a reason to divorce?
Or, as it seems to me from your posts, you want to unload your anxieties onto him, have him beg to reassure you, so that you can feel better for a bit?
This is quite a dramatic and unfair way of dealing with your issue.

Plenty of people who live with unreasonable and irrational people chose the easier life and walk on eggshells around them. If the only way to preserve peace in a relationship is to pretend to not have Instagram - than most people would do that.

And btw , whether you would be ok with him coming to you and saying he wants to use porn now or not I don’t think that makes you insecure at all
Insecure and prude are labels that people like go put on women with boundaries different to their own

@Josuk

OP - what will you do once you catch him out not being the ‘man of virtue’? Your posts feel like you are out to prove something. Prove you are better than him? Tear him down somehow...🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you want a reason to divorce?
Or, as it seems to me from your posts, you want to unload your anxieties onto him, have him beg to reassure you, so that you can feel better for a bit?
This is quite a dramatic and unfair way of dealing with your issue.

Plenty of people who live with unreasonable and irrational people chose the easier life and walk on eggshells around them. If the only way to preserve peace in a relationship is to pretend to not have Instagram - than most people would do that.

No Josuk only creeps and liars do that . Decent and honest people are upfront and honest about their porn use. So many men are complete liars when it comes to this stuff and tricking women by making out they are someone they are not

Op I'm happy to send him a follow request and see who he's following if you want me to. PM me if you do.

I understand totally what you mean, to a certain extent my partner does this, he is very strongly moralled, but slips up occasionally, and as someome who suffers with GAD and Obsessional thinking, it can easily make me think he's therefore a total fraud!! Even this thread has made me question things he has done, but the rational part of me tries to think, he is still highly moral, BUT he's also human and noone is perfect. My brain would hate the lying, but possibly he IS just trying not to set something off here. If you know him well enough to be able to read him then ask, but I'd also ask to see his IG right there and then. He may not like it but if it's innocent he'll hand his phone over there and then. Hopefully you'll be left feeling like you need to do some grovelling but surely that's better than living like this

I really would check, or at least, as a pp suggested, get a friend to follow him on there and see of they can see anything.

Have you posted about him before? Is he a very strict Christian?

I suspect he has just got better at covering his tracks and he is very much a man putting on the facade whilst be something else behind the scenes.

A while ago I was messaging a female friend who was going through a divorce, I told my wife about it from the start . She started behaving weirdly though which culminated in me catching her with my iPad 3 times in a week. Apparently she was "charging it for me" which was odd because she's never shown the slightest interest in battery life in the previous 25 years . I didn't say anything about snooping because I didn't have anything to hide and she'd obviously got herself worked up about nothing. On the plus side there was a remarkable improvement in housework, cooking and in the bedroom for the next few weeks . Anyway I digress, the point is just snoop and put yourself out of your misery. It's probably nothing and will be pretty easy to make it up to him if you get caught. If he is up to something you're better off knowing so woman-up and snoop!

@Manonymous

A while ago I was messaging a female friend who was going through a divorce, I told my wife about it from the start . She started behaving weirdly though which culminated in me catching her with my iPad 3 times in a week. Apparently she was "charging it for me" which was odd because she's never shown the slightest interest in battery life in the previous 25 years . I didn't say anything about snooping because I didn't have anything to hide and she'd obviously got herself worked up about nothing. On the plus side there was a remarkable improvement in housework, cooking and in the bedroom for the next few weeks . Anyway I digress, the point is just snoop and put yourself out of your misery. It's probably nothing and will be pretty easy to make it up to him if you get caught. If he is up to something you're better off knowing so woman-up and snoop!

That’s awesome , so you picked up on her distress and did more cooking cleaning and sex . I love that story Too often men think that’s ‘ women’s work ‘

@Washingtofold.....best retort on MN so far today.....@poorsole....how are you now? Have you plucked the courage up yet?

@Washingtofold 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@Manonymous Yes exactly, honesty is always best in these situations, I've snooped, but didn't up the ante anywhere else (too tired from all the snooping i was doing at the time, plus my snooping was justified at the time!)

My boundaries around porn are completely different now than they were 20 years ago, I've spent too much time on both the relationships and FWR boards on here to think it's harmless or ok and I have no issue with saying it's a hard line for me in a relationship now. But that's something that's developed over time, it's not an impression I gave DH in the early days because it wasn't how I thought at that time.

The twice I've kicked off over finding stuff (the porn searches and memes I mentioned and both were some years ago now) I've kicked off because he lied about not being interested, not because he was interested if that makes sense? If he has ended up feeling that he has to hide stuff from me that's because of some ridiculous standard in his own head, not because I set that standard for him. I won't deny that I do expect that standard from him now, partly because of the way my own personal views have evolved and partly because it's what he's led me to believe I can expect from him.

He has some very odd ideas about relationships and sex in general I think, for instance for years he wouldn't initiate sex with me because he felt it was 'disrespectful for him to pester me' but then would be hurt and sulky that I hadn't initiated so we hadn't had sex. It's taken years to unpick that one and find a workable compromise and I've had to really battle to get him to examine his own behaviour and thinking because his default was to blame me for the issues it created.

We both had issues with sex from before we were together, I'm a rape survivor and he'd had a couple of bad experiences which affected his confidence so we didn't have the best foundation and we've had some pretty big obstacles to overcome. I think those issues probably all overlap with the current situation although I have some more thinking-through to do before I understand quite how. It's helpful picking it apart here, thank you all for your perspectives.

Poorsole , I’m feeling so much that your situation and especially the way you describe your partner is relatable
I really hope you can get some resolution to this as I know it’s a horrible place to be. Thinking of you

Thank you Washingtofold, it's appreciated.

I think you have to either check his phone or leave the relationship, you can't go on as you are with this level of distrust it will tear you apart. I don't agree with checking someone's phone - unless that is you have reason to be suspicious, and as you can't think of a good reason for deleting the email and it's out of character to do so I think that constitutes a good reason. If you don't find anything your mind is put at rest and if you do you can ask him casually about the deleted email and see what he says. Do it soon would be my advice though as it will be strange to ask about it too much later.

I finally did it and there was absolutely nothing there to worry about, I'm so relieved! I still might speak to him about why he deleted the email, see if I can open up a wider discussion if it turns out he did do it to avoid upsetting me but I feel like a massive weight's been lifted.

Best outcome! I'm so pleased for you. Hopefully you can put this to rest now

That’s wonderful poorsole .I’m so pleased it all worked out well.

That's great. I hope you have more peace now.

I feel guilty for not trusting him now, I think I'm probably going to tell him the whole sorry tale (including checking his phone) and see if we can come up with some sort of strategy for the next time this happens, because there will be a next time.

I'm starting to understand where this has come from (thanks at least in part to this thread) and there's fault on both sides so I'm hoping we can work together to deal with stuff in a healthier way. I haven't ignored the posts encouraging me to look at my own behaviour, some of it stung but introspection isn't something I struggle with and I'm being honest with myself about my own faults. I appreciate everyone's input and it's all been helpful so thank you all

What was there OP?
Why would he have an account? Are you aware of how to see what he's liked?

You've been married 20+ years. Ask him outright. It may be nothing, it may indicate something but without asking you will never know.

The same boring stuff as his FB, football, cars, absolutely nothing dodgy at all and I had a fairly thorough look Nothing untoward in DM's either, contact with family members and friends but that's all.

Not really strange that he has (or that he didn't mention having) insta, it's the sort of thing he might mention in conversation but wouldn't make a point of telling me, nor would I expect him to. Whatever his reason for deleting that email I'm confident it wasn't because he was trying to hide something dodgy, his account totally backs up the person he presents himself to be.

Which means the issue is with me fully believing he is that person and he's done some stupid things in the past which have contributed to the fact that sometimes I don't. I think that's something we can work on and will hopefully be a progression of all the improvements we've made in recent years, we've both put a huge amount of effort into fixing our problems and we're actually getting pretty good at it so I feel hopeful we can do it.