Help me understand if I am being abused?!

[Workinghardeveryday]

Hi, been with dp for 13 years, 3 kids.
I am so confused if I am being emotionally abused or over thinking. Maybe I think I am over thinking because I am abused? I don’t know!! My mind is all over and I really would appreciate an outside perspective.
So when we met it was amazing, both of us totally in love and couldn’t be without each other seriously. Constant txts, calls or seeing each other, would fall asleep in the early hours chatting because we couldn’t put the phone down.
These days and for a good 2 years he is very I don’t know mean! If I ever bring anything up he doesn’t want to discuss. He looses his temper, shouts at me, he would say putting his point across, but he shouts, insults me over and over. I rarely bite and shout back but I do sometimes, but that just makes it worse obviously.
Everything is my fault, I point out and stick up for myself and he says his behaviour is my fault, I pushed him to it.
I think I am I reasonable person and open minded, I always try to see his point of view, it’s like three is a block and he is mentally unable to see mine.
For instance, last night I found out he received a payout from hmrc in January, didn’t tell me, spent it on bits and bobs. Also found out he put £900 into erp which I don’t really understand, but lied to my face it was £100 the day before and again last night then decided to tell me. I didn’t say a word. He then went mad, moody, then shouting, name calling etc.

Sorry I can’t explain myself or everything that goes on, but what do you think?
Also he doesn’t do the shouting all the time, he is usually very loving, it’s around once a month. He will blow up, punch walls, insults, his behaviour is my fault.
Doesn’t come to bed with me ever.
I spend my life cleaning, wfh, cooking, washing with no recognition. Doesn’t help with anything at all apart from cleaning up after tea, it’s my job because he works more hours than me. That pisses me off but maybe he is right?
My mind is all over! I don’t know what to do.

I am pleased I recorded it, I listen to it and it reminds me I am not remembering wrong!

Hold on to those recordings and dont let him know you have them! You never know, they might come in handy some day. Even if it's just to keep you in mind what he is really like!

And it's actually: 'you GET to work out how to use the tv'. And then you get to watch whatever you want whenever you want :)

@Workinghardeveryday

You’re right. I just need time to get myself together enough to handle it all when I tell him it’s over. I did ask him to leave the other night and he refused. I can’t leave this house for so many reasons. I will have to get him to understand he needs to go

You do not tell him until you safely away. Say nothing. Plan Leave

Only then do you tell him
Because he will smash things up
Or cry
Or both
And tgreaten to kill himself , uf so then you dial 999 and give his details. Nothing else.

Do not be fooled

Thanks again for your messages and support, really does help really.
So confused, just going to go to bed and try and forget about it until tomorrow, I can’t think of anything else!

Have you told anyone about this? It will be helpful to have a person who can support you.

It's good to see finally that some courts are taking this behaviour seriously. Coercive control is terrifying and insidious www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-56753460

My best friend of 20+ years knows and has been great.
We have talked last night without arguing and he has agreed to move out. We are currently avoiding each other to give one another space. It’s horrible!
He has done nothing wrong today, I woke up at 3.30-4 and didn’t go back to sleep, just waves of unexpected tears and then shock. It’s been awful. I feel like a 15 year older love sick idiot. I did speak to him earlier ( needed to for problem with house), he was nice enough, said he was sad but he wasn’t, not like me anyway. Just made me feel better weirdly, like I am holding affection for the old him.

Your friend sounds lovely and I’m so glad you can talk to her. It’s always good to have someone who can see the situation with an outside perspective.

Best of luck with the next steps OP. They won’t be easy but please don’t ever doubt you’re doing the right thing, and putting yourself and your children first. You can do this. It will be sad and confusing but it’s what you need to do.

Of course you're confused that's how abusers keep you off balance.

I am so very confused. I flit from being so upset to knowing I am doing the right thing, then I don’t understand why, more upset because he doesn’t seem at all bothered!
It was only a day ago I realised It could be abusive and now we are separating and I don’t have the future I thought I would. My feelings are so all over

Of course your going to feel sad and confused and second guess your decision, he's trained you to be like this. If you ever feel unsure, listen to that recording, post on here or speak to your friends. You've been groomed by him for such a long time to behave a certain way, it will take a long time to unstick yourself from those behaviours.

Have a look at the freedom program, you can do it online or speak to a councillor

I will have a look tonight, wfh today.
I know your right, it’s really hard though, I feel so sad yet he doesn’t seem bothered.
Obviously no lovely messages anymore which he used to do every day, I thought he would beg forgiveness at least and try to work it out but nothing. Haven’t seen him since Wednesday night

I do wonder if he started an affair 2 years ago or at least started pursuing someone else?

Op ,I just wanted to send you a hug and a bit of support, I really feel for you ,you must be so confused and lonely.
I was really struck by what you said about about losing your friends because he was complaining he wanted to cuddle while you were talking to them on the phone,and he missed you ,while you spent a few minutes talking to a friend.
Is he 2? Exclusively breast fed?
This is the behaviour of a clingy toddler.
If my husband said that to me I would find it so bizarre I would actually be concerned he was ill.
If he said it years ago when we met he would most definitely not be my husband!!!!
Someone who truly loves you would NEVER want to separate you you from your friends.
No normal grown man beyond the first romantic flush sends several messages a day to his long term partner.
They are control messages not lovely messages. Maybe it would help you to think of them that way.

Love is what you do not what you say.
The average message between long term partners in a working day consists of queries re milk , bread ,dinners and possibly lost children :)
Maybe my husband is very unromantic :)
You are with this man since so young that I'm sure his behaviour seems normal but it is his "normal" not actually normal.
A little example of what I would consider normal, a friend of mine asked me to a very posh fashion show at very short notice literally 2 hours. She picked me up and I asked her to grab me bread on the way.
My husband arrived home as she arrived ,I disappeared out the door dressed to the nines all glammed up, he asked what was for dinner and I wordlessly handed him the sliced pan,kiss on cheek and gone!
The sliced pan for dinner is now a family joke and gets trotted out regularly.
While I'm sure he was not best pleased at no dinner , he was happy to see me get an unexpected treat of a posh night out with friends. Similarly ,I never mind him disappearing on golf trips at short notice.
Thats normal, not suffocating people.
I think from everybody's input your eyes have been opened a lot,and I wish you all the best and lots of strength to do the best for you and your children . I think in a years time you will have a much brighter future and be a much happier independent woman.
Sending you hugs and 💐 🌹 🌸 🏵 🌼 💐

@gutful

Abusers are always nice some of the time.

Otherwise the abuse cycle of making up & good times wouldn’t be so addictive + confusing.

This, exactly.

And if he can control his temper in front of others, then he does know what he's doing. Same as him only apologising when he's made you cry.

I left an abusive ex after 30 years, and I was broken. I'm nearly 4 years free and feel like a different, better, person. It's great.

Ex tried the suicide bollocks, and it was bollocks. All about control, and I ignored him. He could be nice some of the time, which messes with your head, as abusers intend it to.

And don't ever think your DC don't know. They may not know specifics, but they'll pick up on atmosphere, etc. Believe me, our DC were very relieved not to have to live with ex again. And they were old enough to choose, and chose not to see him. They also needed support for depression and anxiety, I really wish I'd left sooner.

You should leave, and take the children. You'll be doing them a favour, too.

"You made me do it" is what physical abusers say after attacking their partners. He's punched the wall - how long before he punches you? I wouldn't hang around in that situation. And I defininitely wouldn't tell him you think he's an abuser.

Yes, he is absolutely abusing you. please leave.

My stepfather was an alcoholic.... but only drank once a month or so. Was abusive to my mother after drinking, but perfectly loving the rest of the time.
It destroyed them both eventually, and she left him when I was 11.
You don't have to stay just because it's infrequent.

Thank you for all your lovely posts honestly.
Today has been totally horrible. Trying to wfh and having to concentrate, my whole body is shaking all the time and no matter what I do I am freezing. Heart pounding. Can’t eat.
I have this horrible panic we are splitting up, I can’t accept it. I built my future around him and now having to think about being alone, sharing kids at Christmas and birthdays and weekends, no friends apart from one I would tell any of this too, all that’s left are the play ground crew. Can’t tell my mum, she has major anxiety and very demanding business and she would go to pieces worrying about me. She’s also got a problem with her heart, I just couldn’t do it to her.
He and I txt all day. Nothing about making up, although I desperately wanted him to say he misses me and is heartbroken, he said he will love me forever and always wants to be friends but we should separate before he starts hating me because he never wants to feel that way about me. Said he has been crying on and off all day and he feels numb and really sad it’s happening. Usually if we have ever discussed splitting he is all over me, telling me how he can’t live without me, crying and devastated, but not this time. I honestly believe he is ready to split. All I want to do is talk to him, I miss him, I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday on the phone because of a problem we have with house. We spend all our time together, it’s so empty without him. I keep bursting into tears out of nowhere. Wake up and cry straight away then have no choice than get up get washed, face on and happy for kids.
I don’t want to do housework but I have to. I just want to be alone or txting him. Only he can make me feel better and take this feeling away, I feel like my heart is going to burst.
I did do something positive tonight. I have been shielding since last feb. Spend my days in leggings and a jumper - always put my face on though so he might fancy me again.
Today I fake tanned, haven’t done that since summer 2019. Painted my nails. Put some nice clothes on, perfume, spent ages doing make up and hair and told him (via txt) I was going out for a drive. I drove all over with music blaring and it felt great, for about an hour then it was shit. Sat in my car for another hour and came home to all the washing and housework.
He said we wouldn’t txt tonight because he needs to try and forget about it for a while. That did annoy me. Just leaving me stewing in my own horrible feelings.

The rgung is though, you need to get used to self soothing. Looking to the very person who has caused you all the heartache in the first place in order to stop the heartache is never going to have a happy ending.

You should stop texting him. Not because he asked, but because you need to do it for you.

*The thing is

I know, I just feel so horrible

Haven't RTFT but I see he comes from an abusive family. You mention your mother suffering anxiety as well.
Do you see how the cycles repeat themselves? Children learn from their parents. They copy. They repeat.

Now you are teaching your children something new - that they don't have to stay in abusive relationships.

I suppose, they have no idea yet, that is for another day, can’t even think about that

@Workinghardeveryday wishing you much strength in the days ahead, you are doing the right thing. I think you've had brilliant advice on here. It is natural to feel shell shocked but you need to soldier on. I think it was genius to record the way he speaks to you, so that you can fortify yourself if you feel weak. Well done for taking action