Help me understand if I am being abused?!

[Workinghardeveryday]

Hi, been with dp for 13 years, 3 kids.
I am so confused if I am being emotionally abused or over thinking. Maybe I think I am over thinking because I am abused? I don’t know!! My mind is all over and I really would appreciate an outside perspective.
So when we met it was amazing, both of us totally in love and couldn’t be without each other seriously. Constant txts, calls or seeing each other, would fall asleep in the early hours chatting because we couldn’t put the phone down.
These days and for a good 2 years he is very I don’t know mean! If I ever bring anything up he doesn’t want to discuss. He looses his temper, shouts at me, he would say putting his point across, but he shouts, insults me over and over. I rarely bite and shout back but I do sometimes, but that just makes it worse obviously.
Everything is my fault, I point out and stick up for myself and he says his behaviour is my fault, I pushed him to it.
I think I am I reasonable person and open minded, I always try to see his point of view, it’s like three is a block and he is mentally unable to see mine.
For instance, last night I found out he received a payout from hmrc in January, didn’t tell me, spent it on bits and bobs. Also found out he put £900 into erp which I don’t really understand, but lied to my face it was £100 the day before and again last night then decided to tell me. I didn’t say a word. He then went mad, moody, then shouting, name calling etc.

Sorry I can’t explain myself or everything that goes on, but what do you think?
Also he doesn’t do the shouting all the time, he is usually very loving, it’s around once a month. He will blow up, punch walls, insults, his behaviour is my fault.
Doesn’t come to bed with me ever.
I spend my life cleaning, wfh, cooking, washing with no recognition. Doesn’t help with anything at all apart from cleaning up after tea, it’s my job because he works more hours than me. That pisses me off but maybe he is right?
My mind is all over! I don’t know what to do.

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@AccidentallyOnPurpose
You asked what his loving behaviours are, he will go to the shop at midnight if I asked him, txts me continually all day telling me how much he misses me and loves me. Okay. Thought there was loads more than that but that’s all!
Only got Christmas or birthday presents for last couple of years, lucky to get Mother’s Day card.
That has actually made me think. All these years I thought he was so loving, take the txts away and there is nothing![/quote]
And there it is.

Texts and going to the shop.

Is that really love? Is it enough? Is it worth the pain and I presume even fear when he has his episodes?

Even ignoring his worst behaviour (which is indeed abusive)...

Is it worth the put downs - he works more than you.
Is it worth not being appreciated?
Is it worth having to do all the housework/chores by yourself and doing it for him too?
Is it worth that you have now learned to keep your mouth shut?
Is it worth that you can never discuss what bothers you,or upsets you or makes you feel low?

Love, you deserve better than this. You ARE better than this.

Oh OP I really wish I could hug you and just say a relationship is never difficult, it’s loving & respectful and you certainly do not shout and swear at your partner. Yes nobody is perfect and if you do have a disagreement or row with your partner/husband it wouldn’t be demeaning and the respect that you had would mean you apologised and talked things through. Can you say this is the case for you? Have you thought about your children witnessing/hearing this?? Just for a moment consider the mental impact on them. I know as I was only 3 and I still see & hear the images playing out so clearly of my father beating my mother and I am in my late 40s. Pls don’t make excuses see the situation for what it is. You & the children deserve to be in a loving home don’t accept less you are worth more.

Of course he is a nasty bully

• around once a month. He will blow up, punch walls, insults, -

Once ,year is too much

-txts me continually all day telling me how much he misses me and loves me-

That s control
I bet you expected to reply right?
And if you ignore him?

Cycle of abuse is happening every month

If a sandwich only has 10% shit in it it's still a shit sandwich.

How does he shower you with love? You don’t have sex, he isn’t kind to you except by text, lies about money...

Actually, agree with embrace, he’s not kind in his texts..bit creepy if it’s constant and not matched by his words when he sees you face to face.

Oh I just feel so really confused. Honestly.
All I can think is he is nice most of the time but when we have words he is horrible.
The first time he did it he called me a stupid c**t for nothing in front of our then 10 year old. I was embarrassed and felt so guilty she heard that.
I don’t know what to do. Do I break up a family, kids don’t live with their dad because he is horrible every now and again. He’s a good dad. Do I not just put up with it to keep the kids happy, for financial reasons, so I am not alone? Sounds pathetic but that’s the reality

OP. Are you saying that for 11 years things have been good but in the past two years he seems unable to control his anger? Did something change two years ago? It sounds like before that you were able to communicate and resolve issues more kindly?

Thats's awful. He shouldn't be calling you names like that. There is no justification for it.

@RowanAlong @Embracelife
That has actually always messed with my head. He will txt saying he can’t get through the day he misses me so much, I am his soul mate, loves me with all his heart etc. Then when he comes home he is nice to me but not the same man who sent the txt if you know what I mean! No affection. Sometimes he will give me a kiss on the cheek but not often.
if I don’t txt he gets very arsey, withdrawn and quiet for up to a couple of days then it comes out he was hurt etc

@Workinghardeveryday

Oh I just feel so really confused. Honestly. All I can think is he is nice most of the time but when we have words he is horrible. The first time he did it he called me a stupid c**t for nothing in front of our then 10 year old. I was embarrassed and felt so guilty she heard that. I don’t know what to do. Do I break up a family, kids don’t live with their dad because he is horrible every now and again. He’s a good dad. Do I not just put up with it to keep the kids happy, for financial reasons, so I am not alone? Sounds pathetic but that’s the reality

If it was your daughter asking those questions what would you say?

Would you want her to live like you do? For years?

Can you hand on heart say he'll never turn on you instead of the walls? I bet 7/8 years ago you wouldn't have thought he'd be shouting and swearing at you once a month either.

@Faerysmoke
I suppose he didn’t, only because I can remember I time our eldest was about 4/5 and that day he punched the wall leaving a hole.
Suppose then, times like that were very rare, instead of breaking things mostly, now he calls me names etc.
I don’t know what to do. I want to explain how I feel but I don’t think he will understand, he will get annoyed and it will be my fault for trying to hint he has a problem. Was looking at narcissistic behaviour today. He does have some traits, maybe it’s that?!

He's a good dad.

No he's not. Good dads do not abuse their children's mother.

Firstly, discount the early days. Hormones and love-bombing lead to all that soppy stuff. You can't build a life on it.

Now, he's a dp and you have three children. Together? Not married? Have you given that any thought? I'm not suggesting you marry him now, you have seen who he is and you need to believe him. Don't you see that you need to be apart?

You are almost certainly going to be worse-off financially, but can you make it work? It might be that you have to.

You can see now that he is abusing you. You know your life now is miserable. It's unlikely to improve. It might get worse. It might get worse too suddenly for you to protect yourself and your children.

Think. Plan. Organise. Make your life without him.

Do you think children who grow up hearing their father call their mother a stupid cunt grow up to be happy well adjusted adults? they don’t.
If you can’t leave for yourself leave for the sake of your children. They are witnessing abuse and it will damage them every day.

[quote Workinghardeveryday]**@RowanAlong* @Embracelife*
That has actually always messed with my head. He will txt saying he can’t get through the day he misses me so much, I am his soul mate, loves me with all his heart etc. Then when he comes home he is nice to me but not the same man who sent the txt if you know what I mean! No affection. Sometimes he will give me a kiss on the cheek but not often.
if I don’t txt he gets very arsey, withdrawn and quiet for up to a couple of days then it comes out he was hurt etc[/quote]
Well there you go
He doesn't live you at all
The texts are about controlling you
Get rid
See divorce lawyer
See a therapist for emotional support

@AccidentallyOnPurpose
You’re right. Never in a million years. I was his everything, and I still think I am. When we have nearly split before he won’t accept, says we will always be together he just knows it. Times he thinks we actually might he says he will kill him self. If we are arguing and he can’t argue his point, he storms off in his car and tells me he will drive as fast as he can and kill himself. I ignored it all last time, didn’t react when he stormed off. He rang me shouting absolutely livid I let him go. He was so angry. I had to talk him down and make him feel better and he came home. That was before Christmas that episode, he was setting up the Christmas present I bought him that cost a small fortune. Also kids and I putting decs up which they were very excited about. He told the kids he was going to kill himself. ☹️

Yes, he's abusive.

Btw if he had one payment from HMRC are you sure he hasn't had others? The fourth payment for self employed is due this month. Others were last year - May, August and December.

He’s a good dad.

No, he's not. Your children are learning about relationships from the way he treats you. Your posts display abuse towards you in the form of control and coercive control. What would you tell a daughter if she told you this was happening to her?

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@AccidentallyOnPurpose
You’re right. Never in a million years. I was his everything, and I still think I am. When we have nearly split before he won’t accept, says we will always be together he just knows it. Times he thinks we actually might he says he will kill him self. If we are arguing and he can’t argue his point, he storms off in his car and tells me he will drive as fast as he can and kill himself. I ignored it all last time, didn’t react when he stormed off. He rang me shouting absolutely livid I let him go. He was so angry. I had to talk him down and make him feel better and he came home. That was before Christmas that episode, he was setting up the Christmas present I bought him that cost a small fortune. Also kids and I putting decs up which they were very excited about. He told the kids he was going to kill himself. ☹️[/quote]
That's just more abusive and controlling behaviour.
Funny how you really struggled to find things he does that are living, but there is a lot of abusive behaviour.

If you complain, he shouts and swears and punches walls.
If you try to leave he threatens suicide.

This is not normal or healthy. It's not love. It's toxic and abusive behaviour, designed to control you,wear you down,break your spirit. He's affecting your mental health too.

When you think of leaving... deep down is it really the practicalities of it that's stopping you or fear? Be honest..

yes in my opinion he is abusive. Look at what you wrote:

These days and for a good 2 years he is very I don’t know mean! If I ever bring anything up he doesn’t want to discuss. He looses his temper, shouts at me, he would say putting his point across, but he shouts, insults me over and over. I rarely bite and shout back but I do sometimes, but that just makes it worse obviously. Everything is my fault, I point out and stick up for myself and he says his behaviour is my fault, I pushed him to it.

But really it doesn't matter if he passes/fails the abusive test. He is making you miserable. Leave him.

Jesus just read your last post. Get away from that man. And if he kills himself (doubt he will) thats on him. He is abusive not just to you but to your children too.

He is horrible.

Times he thinks we actually might he says he will kill him self. If we are arguing and he can’t argue his point, he storms off in his car and tells me he will drive as fast as he can and kill himself.

This is nothing but lies and pure manipulation. Saying he will kill himself if you leave is him keeping the leash around your neck.

@Workinghardeveryday he told the kids he was going to kill himself. He’s an awful father and husband. Your poor kids.

Please think about what they’re experiencing.

I really feel for you but you’re going to need to be strong and do this for your children. I think you will find your anxiety will disappear when you’re not being abused in the way that you are. The name calling (calling you a c@@t in front of your kids), shouting, punching walls. No wonder you’re anxious. Anyone would be.

I have a few pointers that might help you think about your situation -

• If someone told you that you weren't being abused, how would you feel about that? would that make it better?

• If you were a therapist for the NHS, and you were told that you might have to inform the police or social services if you suspected your client was experiencing abuse or was in danger (as they do), what would you say to your manager about a woman in your situation during a weekly team meeting about clients? What would raise alarms for you?

• Why do you feel unable to trust your own judgment, which seems to be the case here? Do you find it so difficult to think clearly in all areas of your life? Why do you think your inner compass could be off here? Why is it that you don't know which way is up or down? Do you think a healthy, loving, stable relationship would cause such questioning for you? The fact that you are so confused and thinking about all of this is a sign in itself. A sign that your judgment is clouded. You cannot make your way forward if all you see is fog.

It's perfectly possible by the way for one person to have conflicting character traits. It's possible for someone to get angry one moment and want to hurt their partner, then break down in tear, sobbing even out of remorse. Maybe they even hate themselves for their behaviour. What's important is what you don't partition off the parts of him that you don't like. He is a whole, integrated person. The bad traits are a part of him.

He was so mean last night I had full on panic attack, I suffered horrible anxiety, it’s horrible, he knows it and pushed and pushed until I couldn’t take anymore

This is not good for your health and I really think you need to leave him. It's terrible actually. It's total lack of regard for you and your wellbeing. This is not about not being greatful for his loving behaviour (whatever his motivations might be). This about protecting yourself, protecting your health (emotional and otherwise) and about creating a home environment that is peaceful, harmonious and where you're not living with someone who is willing to pretty much deliberately distress you to the point of you having panic attacks.