Help me understand if I am being abused?!

[Workinghardeveryday]

Hi, been with dp for 13 years, 3 kids.
I am so confused if I am being emotionally abused or over thinking. Maybe I think I am over thinking because I am abused? I don’t know!! My mind is all over and I really would appreciate an outside perspective.
So when we met it was amazing, both of us totally in love and couldn’t be without each other seriously. Constant txts, calls or seeing each other, would fall asleep in the early hours chatting because we couldn’t put the phone down.
These days and for a good 2 years he is very I don’t know mean! If I ever bring anything up he doesn’t want to discuss. He looses his temper, shouts at me, he would say putting his point across, but he shouts, insults me over and over. I rarely bite and shout back but I do sometimes, but that just makes it worse obviously.
Everything is my fault, I point out and stick up for myself and he says his behaviour is my fault, I pushed him to it.
I think I am I reasonable person and open minded, I always try to see his point of view, it’s like three is a block and he is mentally unable to see mine.
For instance, last night I found out he received a payout from hmrc in January, didn’t tell me, spent it on bits and bobs. Also found out he put £900 into erp which I don’t really understand, but lied to my face it was £100 the day before and again last night then decided to tell me. I didn’t say a word. He then went mad, moody, then shouting, name calling etc.

Sorry I can’t explain myself or everything that goes on, but what do you think?
Also he doesn’t do the shouting all the time, he is usually very loving, it’s around once a month. He will blow up, punch walls, insults, his behaviour is my fault.
Doesn’t come to bed with me ever.
I spend my life cleaning, wfh, cooking, washing with no recognition. Doesn’t help with anything at all apart from cleaning up after tea, it’s my job because he works more hours than me. That pisses me off but maybe he is right?
My mind is all over! I don’t know what to do.

He told the kids he was going to kill himself. ☹️

And you think that s OK?
It isn't
You need to divorce
Don't let him manipulate you
You are not responsible if he does drive fast andd crashes

@tobedtoMNandfart

If a sandwich only has 10% shit in it it's still a shit sandwich.

Lol. A good way of putting it. @tobedtoMNandfart

I was his everything, and I still think I am.

Or, you're his plaything, his creature. You do as he tells you or he kicks off. You stay quiet or he kicks off. You obey. That's all you are allowed to do.

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@AccidentallyOnPurpose
You’re right. Never in a million years. I was his everything, and I still think I am. When we have nearly split before he won’t accept, says we will always be together he just knows it. Times he thinks we actually might he says he will kill him self. If we are arguing and he can’t argue his point, he storms off in his car and tells me he will drive as fast as he can and kill himself. I ignored it all last time, didn’t react when he stormed off. He rang me shouting absolutely livid I let him go. He was so angry. I had to talk him down and make him feel better and he came home. That was before Christmas that episode, he was setting up the Christmas present I bought him that cost a small fortune. Also kids and I putting decs up which they were very excited about. He told the kids he was going to kill himself. ☹️[/quote]
He's either very calculating (most likely) or extremely unstable, or both.

I feel so sorry for your children. What a dysfunctional, unhealthy environment to grow up in. Please help your self. Police and Women's Aid. Don't hesitate to ask family or friends for help.

A good father doesn't spend thousands of family money on boys and bobs, does rage at their mother etc etc

The texts are all fake aren't they.

Look at his actions rather than listening to his words.

Love is actions.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose
It’s the fear of being alone, I never have been since I was 15. I can’t imagine not cooking a meal for’my man’, or making the house nice for him etc. Sounds so 1950’s! But I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t doing it, everything I do is for him and the kids.
The kids would be devastated if we spilt, they are really loving kids, well youngest 2 are, I really don’t think they could handle it.
Money. I am on a good wage but part time, I also have shit health problems which btw I never let interfere in normal day to day life. My wage wouldn’t cover the bills.
I would be so lonely! When the kids were in bed I would have nothing.

That's so awful that he called you a cunt in front of your daughter. You really need to leave him and have a discussion with your kids that it is completely not ok for a man to talk to his partner like that. If they grow up seeing you treated this way, they may accept the same from a partner in future.

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@AccidentallyOnPurpose
It’s the fear of being alone, I never have been since I was 15. I can’t imagine not cooking a meal for’my man’, or making the house nice for him etc. Sounds so 1950’s! But I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t doing it, everything I do is for him and the kids.
The kids would be devastated if we spilt, they are really loving kids, well youngest 2 are, I really don’t think they could handle it.
Money. I am on a good wage but part time, I also have shit health problems which btw I never let interfere in normal day to day life. My wage wouldn’t cover the bills.
I would be so lonely! When the kids were in bed I would have nothing.[/quote]
Alone is not the same as lonely.

Do you really feel loved now? Supported? Understood? Respected ..as a human being,partner,equal? Listened to? Have cuddles and giggles in bed? Sex? Talk about your dreams and plans?

Somewhere on the way (and I bet he had a lot to do with it), you've lost your identity.

I can see you're not ready... but if you do anything at all... give women's aid a call or at least ring your GP and see if you can get some counselling for yourself. Sounds like you really need some help to build yourself back up, he's been chipping away at you for years.

You'll probably find your kids will actually be relieved. At least after the initial drama of moving out.

All you have to do is explain that although you love them, you dont love each other anymore so are going to live separately. This means they will get two bedrooms! And maybe even a dog/cat. And mum will be much happier because dad wont be being mean to her. Ect...

Play up the benefits.

@EarthSight
I agree with all of that. I think deep down if he is unhappy people behave irrationally?
I know this all looks so bad I do, but it’s not abusive everyday, normally he comes home, tea is ready, we sit as a family eat and have a nice chat. It’s just the times he blows up. Do I give up everything I have worked for because of those times? Is it actually abuse or is he really unhappy? I don’t know what to think. Sounds like I am burying my head in the sand but I don’t know what to think.
Everyone tonight has said something that has made me really think, yet I am living this life and don’t know if I can’t accept it or what, confused.

The red flags were there from the start - the constant phone calls, couldn't be without each other, feeling utterly in love. Exactly how mine started.
Needy, immature, manipulative controlling abusive arsehole.
The type who will beg, plead, then threaten suicide if you leave.
When you're ready, don't discuss leaving him and remember you don't need his permission.

Yes, it is abuse.

I would rather be lonely (and a pp is right - lonely and alone are different things) than live in that environment.

Also think of the lesson you are teaching your kids - regardless if he is ‘nice’ sometimes it doesn’t make up for the times he is not. That is not the type of environment I would want my kids to experience and grow up in

I can understand your confusion, because I was where you are once.
But keeping the peace by being his emotional punching bag "for the sake of the children " and for the occasional scraps of positive attention he gave me. Everything negative was my fault too. And it took me ages to see the truth.

How long before he punches you rather than the wall....but you will have "made" him do that? He is too selfish to end himself. But he knows it hurts you to threaten it. He knows he still has you hooked on the crumbs...and the fear of being alone.
I agonised for years before making a move. And the repercussions are still being lived by my children with the damage to their MH.
How is he a good dad? Does he play with them? Read bedtime stories? Help with homework? Listen to what they got up to during the day? He certainly doesn't respect their mother....and I note you mention 2 out of the 3 will miss him. Has the third realised herself how horrible he is?
Whatever you decide, please do not attempt to reason with him or call him out for being an abuser. He knows damn well what he does is wrong but chooses to behave that way anyway. Attempting to discuss it could result in you being hurt worse than before. Please be careful! ❤

My friend confided in me that she wanted a divorce because her husband was displaying behaviour like this and had been for a while. Couple of weeks later she messaged me that he had beaten her up. They’re now divorced but she got the beating of her life. With a belt and her 12 year old got caught in the crossfire. I know it’s not easy but that’s what happens.

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@EarthSight
I agree with all of that. I think deep down if he is unhappy people behave irrationally?
I know this all looks so bad I do, but it’s not abusive everyday, normally he comes home, tea is ready, we sit as a family eat and have a nice chat. It’s just the times he blows up. Do I give up everything I have worked for because of those times? Is it actually abuse or is he really unhappy? I don’t know what to think. Sounds like I am burying my head in the sand but I don’t know what to think.
Everyone tonight has said something that has made me really think, yet I am living this life and don’t know if I can’t accept it or what, confused.[/quote]
You've lived in it for so long you've become desensitized. You might not think that, but instead of being fragile, you might have developed a thicker skin than most - too thick, but your body is now telling you this situation needs to stop.

I know it's hard having a line of people call your husband an abuser, a monster, that you should keave the bastard, when none of us have seen him smile, or know his favourite films, or seen thoughtful things he's done over the years. However, there does needs to be a line somewhere. You need to ask yourself, what is the line for you. What could he do that would actually make you leave? For most people, speaking about killing himself in front of the children would have been 'the final straw', but you're so desentised, so enmeshed that I wonder what other things you are going to put up with before you take a step back.

I knew someone too who was in a situation like yours, where they smiled or were ok but he would have a fit of range around once a month. I think you might leave when you realize that you are tired of being on the same merry-go-round. Tired of the fear, the drama. You might realize than things are simply not going to get better. I think accepting that last part is the most difficult.

Yes, you are in the middle of an abusive relationship. The more you share, the more he is revealed in his true colours. Please, read back what everyone has said on here. Not one poster thinks you are in a happy , normal, balanced, loving relationship. Think about this.

Do you have family or friends in real life in whom you can confide and seek support from?

Stop worrying about whether he is unhappy and concentrate on the fact that YOU are unhappy. You can bet that he isn’t agonising over your unhappiness.

The texting all day is a form of control, not a loving gesture.

You don’t have to decide anything right now. Take your time, as much as you need, and think things through.

The more information you give us about him the more mental he sounds.

He's far from a loving partner and he's not a good dad.

I have been in relationships with two men over the years who behaved identically to this. It’s terribly abusive. I think the issue here is your own idea of what abuse is and isn’t and it’s probably a good idea to discretely do some reading up on the different forms. Abusers can be kind, loving, caring some or most of the time. But the awful behaviour you are describing is classic emotional abuse and incredibly damaging to you and your kids. You need some support here love, please listen to the previous posters.

You’ve not spoken much about your children’s feelings but a lot about yours. You really need to think about them more. You are the adult and he must be terrorising them.

I’m sorry to be brutal and I know it must be hard to hear but to read you worry about being on your own/what will you do in the evening etc... when your children are in this environment.

Please don’t kid yourself - they are absorbing all this like sponges and it will affect them for the rest of their lives.

I wish you strength to put them first

Thanks for everyone’s posts.
I am trying to stay out of his way as much as possible, I see him totally differently now.
I always thought abusers know what they are doing, but I honestly don’t think he does, it’s just like he can’t handle his emotions and can’t control his temper. I pp said he wouldn’t loose his temper in front of other people, and no he wouldn’t..
The kids rarely have any idea as at the times it will start they usually gaming with headphones on. But I do totally agree once is too many times.
I am yet to receive any sort of apology for the money, he feels it’s his money and he should be allowed to spend it on whatever he wants!
If I think about things that have happened over the last few years especially if written down is very abusive. What I can’t get my head around is that he is 90% of the time nice to me.
But then I think how he withhold affection to punish me (no sex, no compliments ever) even though he knows i am upset about it. Let’s me go to bed on my own crying because I am fed up of feeling single.
But I still see him as kind and just selfish I suppose. I wish I could talk to him and explain my feelings but I think he will think I am over reacting because he would think it’s ridiculous and I have a problem.

Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you all.

You need to put your own self as well as your children first now, not this man who is and remains abusive towards you and in turn them.
Staying out of his way won't work either because you and he remain under the same roof. You cannot and have not been able to protect your own self here, let alone your children, from being affected by the abuse he metes out to you and in turn them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up and what do you think your children are learning about relationships from you two?. What do you get out of this?.

Many women in your position cite a fear of being alone. What does that actually mean though?. There is actually nothing more lonely than being on your own within a relationship which is where you are now. And if you have not been on your own since you were 15 you barely know who you are either as an adult. Its high time you found out who you really are without some man by your side. You do not need a man to validate your existence here.

You have a choice re him and your children do not. The choices you make affect them too.

"But I still see him as kind and just selfish I suppose."

Can you not see how contradictory that is?. Kind and selfish do not at all belong in the same sentence.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
I also think that you have no idea whatsoever what a mutually respectful and emotionally healthy relationship is mainly because no-one ever bothered to show you one.

Abusers are always nice some of the time.

Otherwise the abuse cycle of making up & good times wouldn’t be so addictive + confusing.