Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

What would your DH do?

149 replies

Whattodo21 · 13/04/2021 19:34

Just curious as to what would happen in other people's houses.
You arrange to go for a meal with friends. You decide not to drive, so that you can have a drink, if you wish.
You over indulge and end up home later than you otherwise would have.
What would your DH do the next day?

OP posts:

ZombeaArthur · 14/04/2021 16:48

If I’d told him I’d be home at a specific time and came home significantly later without calling/ sending a message, he’d probably ask me to let him know next time, as would I. We’d both worry if one of us simply didn’t come home when expected (although we certainly don’t need permission and there’s no badgering with calls/ texts when one of us is out) because we’ve always let the other know when plans change like that.

Other than that, he’d most likely just ask whether I’d had a nice time and let me sleep in if I needed.

Original poster

Whattodo21 · 14/04/2021 18:11

I do try not to let it bother me, but it really does get to me.

He's still off with me now. I had thought about going for a walk later but know that's just going to make things worse. He doesn't want to spend time with me, but won't like it if I go out, once the kids are settled.
I just don't understand as even when he has done things that have pissed me off, I wouldn't punish him for it, I'd say my bit and move on.

OP posts:

MrsSugar · 14/04/2021 18:14

I’m pretty antisocial and this would defo not be like me but I think my husband would be quite happy lol he wouldn’t mind as long as he knew I was safe and enjoying myself

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 14/04/2021 18:17

The more you post, the worse he sounds.

Get out now OP. This is not a relationship you want your children to emulate when they are older.

ceilingsand · 14/04/2021 18:21

I had thought about going for a walk later but know that's just going to make things worse

Go out if it makes you feel better. Don't be controlled.

RandomMess · 14/04/2021 18:28

🙄

What a complete arse.

I went to a friends at the weekend at 11am for a brew and got back home 5.30pm. OK my kids are teens but DH just asked how friend was.

I am sociable DH is not he completely supports be going out.

He was unimpressed and cross when I once got completely drunk and he had to take half a day off to look after our toddlers but no moodiness.

Your H seems incredibly controlling.

Lollypop701 · 14/04/2021 18:46

Op can you let us know the nice bits of him? I have an easygoing relationship now, so anytime before 4am is fine BUT it took a while to get that. so no judgment from me.

JackieTheFart · 14/04/2021 18:51

Unlikely to happen on a school night, but he would probably leave a coffee, water and painkillers by my side of the bed and give me a shake five minutes before I was supposed to log on.

He might text me if I was later than expected but an hour or two would not be cause for concern. He absolutely wouldn't behave the way your husband is.

PleaseValentina · 14/04/2021 19:00

@Whattodo21

I do try not to let it bother me, but it really does get to me. He's still off with me now. I had thought about going for a walk later but know that's just going to make things worse. He doesn't want to spend time with me, but won't like it if I go out, once the kids are settled. I just don't understand as even when he has done things that have pissed me off, I wouldn't punish him for it, I'd say my bit and move on.

He sounds emotionally abusive and very controlling. You don't understand it because you're not abusive, would be my assessment.

He doesn't seem to actually want an equal relationship with you (where if you'd pissed him off he would just have a calm adult conversation with you), he wants to control you (and be in a "superior" position over you where he gets to dish out punishment).

Beware of joint counselling (it is never recommended for relationships where one partner is abusive, because they will manipulate the counselor against you or use the sessions to dig for info on your thought processes etc.). Perhaps consider individual counselling for yourself.

Mix56 · 15/04/2021 07:40

How long are you going to let this sulking bully punish you?
You are walking on eggshells & feel you cant even go for a walk, that is no kind of life.
It wont get better. He enjoys bullying you, you can't understand it because you thought he loved you & was "programmed" as normal. He's not.
The silent treatment is a punishment, used to ensure you dont go out, because he is insecure & wants you in your box, at home being his underling. Its a well known trait of emotional abuse.
Lets see what else he does:
Judge your friends & family?
Your job?
Scathing remarks, or counter most things you say?
Disapprove of certain clothes?
Criticize your weight, hair?
Sarcastic when you make an effort to look nice...?
Sorry, there is only one excellent solution. Tell him you do not accept his "regime", at no point would he do this to his mother or sister, or work colleague. So he can shove it where the sun doesn't shine. & go out. Permanently

Cronyism · 15/04/2021 08:49

Why does he feel the need to punish you??
I’d leave, it’s no way to live.

It’s only a natter if time before he pull this petulant child act with your kids too.

Cronyism · 15/04/2021 08:51

Judging by the amount of threads I see like this on here and other sites, the UK has a lot of bullying men. Is it the same everywhere I wonder?

TheTeenageYears · 15/04/2021 09:14

His behaviour is unacceptable but you know that already. Get him to set up night service on his phone so you can still message without waking him in similar circumstances. If he goes sleep, wakes up and realises you aren't yet home at least he will have a message from you letting him know you are fine (even though that's not what he cares about, he just doesn't want you to be out).

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 15/04/2021 09:19

God I'm annoyed on your behalf. You have done absolutely nothing wrong! I spent ten years single after a couple of terrible relationships and it taught me so much about my own standards and what I would/wouldn't put up with in a relationship. This is something you really shouldn't put up with - how dare he claim to be worried about you when he's so happy to cause you distress by silent treating you? He's a dick, OP. I bet if he was honest, he'd rather you never went out full stop. Awful.

Mix56 · 15/04/2021 09:21

Gnome, "That's a given". OP going out is a threat to him

gannett · 15/04/2021 10:02

@Whattodo21

Yeah he's upset that I had said I was going for a meal, and it had turned in to post meal drinks. It wasn't supposed to be a "night out". He prefers it if I I gale a meal and leave with 2 hours. That's not how I see meeting up with friends.

Big red flag (plus what you said earlier about him holding you to a time).

In normal relationships people don't monitor their partner's social lives with a timer. That's extremely controlling behaviour. It sounds like he has massive insecurities about you have a social life separate to him.

In your situation neither DP nor I would be remotely surprised that a meal with friends turned into a night out. The next day we'd probably take the piss a bit but bring paracetamol and water if necessary.

Original poster

Whattodo21 · 15/04/2021 15:43

I do see what you're all saying and sadly I know that you're all right.
I am just frustrated that I have worked so hard and spoken to him so much about not doing this anymore and I thought we had made progress. Turns out I was wrong and deep down, it's just the same.

He is insecure. This isn't a one off incident. I will be going for back for counselling on my own. I tried with couples counselling and it didn't work, he just went along with it and made all the right noises, then told me it was me with the problem so i should seek help for my "mental health" myself. I'm not actually sure he is capable of self reflection.

OP posts:

Cronyism · 15/04/2021 16:35

He didn’t like the ‘challenge’ of counselling and so insinuated that your mental health is wobbly....? Controlling. Words fail me.

So how bad would he have to be - for you to make a bid for freedom...?

lastqueenofscotland · 15/04/2021 22:43

He sounds utterly awful.

My DP would have asked about my night, teased me about my hangover, made me coffee and toast and left me to sleep it off. I don’t think he is particularly unusual or outstanding just kind.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2021 23:26

@Whattodo21

Are you going to continue putting up with this?

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2021 23:27

@Whattodo21

I do see what you're all saying and sadly I know that you're all right. I am just frustrated that I have worked so hard and spoken to him so much about not doing this anymore and I thought we had made progress. Turns out I was wrong and deep down, it's just the same. He is insecure. This isn't a one off incident. I will be going for back for counselling on my own. I tried with couples counselling and it didn't work, he just went along with it and made all the right noises, then told me it was me with the problem so i should seek help for my "mental health" myself. I'm not actually sure he is capable of self reflection.

What do you want the outcome to be? Realistically

jamaisjedors · 15/04/2021 23:38

I tried with couples counselling and it didn't work, he just went along with it and made all the right noises, then told me it was me with the problem so i should seek help for my "mental health" myself. I'm not actually sure he is capable of self reflection.

He sounds like my ex, unfortunately for him my counselling helped me to gain the self confidence to leave him... Well that and the amazing posters on mn....

Keep posting, we are here.

Also been there fine that with the nights out... Silent treatment for days and then total denial of it

Miffyliffy · 16/04/2021 01:08

Nothing much, he'd probably let me sleep till I'm ready to get up, cuddle me before he gets up and then ask how my night was.

frozendaisy · 16/04/2021 13:35

He.would say "you only gave yourself to blame"
And then want all the gossip.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6