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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would your DH do?

149 replies

Whattodo21 · 13/04/2021 19:34

Just curious as to what would happen in other people's houses.
You arrange to go for a meal with friends. You decide not to drive, so that you can have a drink, if you wish.
You over indulge and end up home later than you otherwise would have.
What would your DH do the next day?

OP posts:
Dashel · 13/04/2021 22:11

My DH worries about me, but it would be in a send me a text when you want to come home and I’ll pick you up kind of way. He wouldn’t want me in a taxi alone and drunk, but I wouldn’t want him in that situation.

The mutual rules we have about solo outings is if either one of us is drunk, the other picks them up or you go home with a mate, either to ours or theirs. Safety is the only concern.

DH would have texted to make sure I was ok and had a plan of getting home or what time did I want a lift. He would then make me tea and toast if I wanted it to help sober me up and would make sure I got to bed ok. I would then get tea and toast and aspirin the next morning and possibly might be told I should remember to text him first so he doesn’t worry and then teased for getting drunk on a work night.

If I said pick me up at 1am I’m off to the pub he would and would maybe send one text about 11pm to make sure I’m ok.

We don’t do silent treatment or sulking.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 13/04/2021 22:14

If someone is worried about you, they try and contact you. If someone is pissed off with you for not doing what they want, they don’t.

Geppili · 13/04/2021 22:58

"We hadn't arranged a time. I had deliberately avoided that as he would hold me to it,"

He sounds controlling and jealous.

MagentaGiraffe · 14/04/2021 00:22

Jesus. This makes me glad to be single.

Sorry OP. He's being a complete dickhead and you should tell him so. The more you put up with this behaviour, the worse it will get.

Original poster
Whattodo21 · 14/04/2021 07:54

Thanks for all the responses. I definitely have work to do here. Will head back to counselling 👍
It's comforting to know that most of you don't think I've been hugely selfish and unreasonable in what I've done.

OP posts:
bubblebath62636 · 14/04/2021 07:58

DH would sort kids/dogs out and let me lie in, as I would do the same.

You deserve some time to yourself op you're not a fucking robot!

PyjamaFan · 14/04/2021 07:59

I hope it all goes well for you OP, you deserve better!

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 14/04/2021 08:02

Unless he changes then LTB.

My DH would be glad I'd had fun, probably let me lie in to recover and ask when then next meet up was.

Don't settle for this behaviour. It's not healthy and models a bad example to your kids.

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2021 11:29

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong other than stay with a controlling sulking idiot

UCOinanOCG · 14/04/2021 11:39

My DH would be pleased that I had a lovely night out with my friends. Your DH is being childish and controlling.

harknesswitch · 14/04/2021 11:46

I lived with someone like this for 10'years and it was horrible. He's controlling and letting his insecurities out on you.

He should have been happy that you're happy. He should have been supportive. But he chose to be abusive instead.

Glintwithpersperation · 14/04/2021 11:53

He’s being controlling. It’s his problem

Sakurami · 14/04/2021 11:55

My ex would be paranoid. My boyfriend would look after me and be happy that I had a good time. As I would him.

P1ainJanine · 14/04/2021 13:06

The silent treatment is a shiity way to treat punish you. There have been loads of threads on here about how bad that is.

Why he feels he has to punish you for doing something he doesn't like, is a whole extra issue. You're entitled to do things he doesn't like - it's the give and take that helps in a healthy relationship. He's using it to make it so uncomfortable that you don't do it again. Allow this to continue and he will cut you off from all of your friends. Then you'll be stuck with him alone, and he will grind you down till you do his bidding in everything.

Flowers
Luddite26 · 14/04/2021 13:49

Just satvhere reading this thread and it struck me - that silent treatment i haven't lived in that environment for 7 years now. This thread has made me remember what that was like on a daily basis. So dragged down with it. When i left everyone who knew me said how happy i looked. It was that constant mood controlling - he would walk out of tge room to go to the loo and come back in in a mood. Life is so much freer without a moody person in it.

PussGirl · 14/04/2021 13:51

XH would have nagged on & on about how I must have been shagging X Y or Z & then made sure he was extra late & uncontactable next time he went out.

Current DP would be kind and non-judgmental & bring me tea in bed.

Allwokedup · 14/04/2021 14:41

Let me sleep in, order me a McDonald’s, after I over indulged at Christmas he let me sleep all day (I have never done this before and haven’t since) he just swept up the kids and let me sleep it off. I do the same for him we’re a team and as long as it’s not every day ,we’re good to pick up the slack every once and a while.

SVRT19674 · 14/04/2021 14:54

Wouldn´t do anything at all. Hiya, hiya, had a good time, yeah, night, night.

TheDogsMother · 14/04/2021 15:00

He would come and pick me up so I didn't have to worry about picking the car up the next day. He'd ask if I'd had a nice time, show a genuine interest in how all my friends were and he would feed me tea/toast to ease any hangover.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/04/2021 15:05

@Whattodo21

Thanks for all the responses. I definitely have work to do here. Will head back to counselling 👍 It's comforting to know that most of you don't think I've been hugely selfish and unreasonable in what I've done.
You were not selfish or unreasonable.

He is being controlling.

You've been here before. Why do you have more work to do? Is he really worth continuing to turn yourself inside out for? Is he really worth losing yourself for?

Unless he's amazing in every other way I'd be telling him it's over.

Life isn't about how much you can endure!

again2020 · 14/04/2021 15:55

I'll be honest. Mine would be angry and make sarcastic comments all the next day, and I definitely wouldn't get any sort of lie in/brew made for me. But he is a gaslighter/borderline abusive, I've realised.

Glad you are getting help on this, OP.

TheThermalStair · 14/04/2021 16:17

Mine would ask how it went and say he was glad I had a good time. If he had worried about where I was he’d have messaged and I’d have replied saying I’d be back a bit later.

For me there is zero difference between going round for dinner and being out for the evening (unless you’re still at school which I presume you’re not). My friends would think I was bananas if DP picked me up at 8!! And it would seem rude to leave straight after eating. Even when you’re not catching up the expectation is you talk before and after dinner, it’s not a bloody drive through!

picklemewalnuts · 14/04/2021 16:29

You need to practice tuning out his poor behaviour. When you don't pay any attention to his cold shoulder, when he can see you aren't affected by it, he'll have to up his game and start acting like an adult.

Stop pandering to him, wanting to please him, etc. It allows him to control you with this nonsense.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/04/2021 16:31

He would look after the kids and buy me food if he wasn't working or at football.

harknesswitch · 14/04/2021 16:35

My dh would bring me tea and paracetamol in bed, take the Micky out of my hangover and leave me in bed until I surfaced. He'd probably make me food when I got up, or order a take away