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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would your DH do?

149 replies

Whattodo21 · 13/04/2021 19:34

Just curious as to what would happen in other people's houses.
You arrange to go for a meal with friends. You decide not to drive, so that you can have a drink, if you wish.
You over indulge and end up home later than you otherwise would have.
What would your DH do the next day?

OP posts:
litterbird · 13/04/2021 21:03

Good for you for meeting up with your friends, I did the same this weekend and we had 7 straight hours of laughter and heavenly gossip! I think your OH has just got used to you being around and cant bear the fact that you are out and about with your female friends enjoying yourself, particularly if he has few friends. He sounds a tad controlling but that is something that needs to be nipped in the bud as well as this awful sulking. So many threads on her about the man child who sulks its appalling behaviour. No wonder your anxiety gets triggered. Make some changes OP and lay the law down that the sulking stops and you have a right to be free to see your friends and stay up late!

Original poster
Whattodo21 · 13/04/2021 21:05

He says it's because he worries about me, but we've had many a conversation about this and I think that's a cop out.

He doesn't like it because of his own insecurities, which i have told him isn't fair on me. He did at one point acknowledge this and agreed that he shouldn't do it, yet this is the first time I have been out since lockdown and this has happened and here we are again.
It's been a real struggle over the last couple of years and I've tried really hard to encourage us to have a stronger, more honest relationship, where we can both be ourselves. This feels like a step backwards.

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 13/04/2021 21:06

@Whattodo21

Yes it worked for a long time on me too. I am trying not to let it bother me but am wondering how long he plans on keeping this punishment up.
This is coercive control. I had it for 17 years with a husband. It will make you ill. Do not tolerate it. If you aren't scared of him stand up to him. Or start planning your life apart. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg. I bet you accept this as normal behaviour. Get out is my only advice.
Pviolet · 13/04/2021 21:12

He took a huge number of hair grips out of my hair before I went to sleep because I wasn’t sober enough to do it, then he asked me if I wanted something to eat, asked why my clothes were soaking wet in the bath, laughed at the answer and said he was glad I had a good night. The next morning he asked if I wanted toast and tea in bed or at the table and did I need paracetamol.

BusyLizzie61 · 13/04/2021 21:13

@Whattodo21

Yeah he's upset that I had said I was going for a meal, and it had turned in to post meal drinks. It wasn't supposed to be a "night out". He prefers it if I I gale a meal and leave with 2 hours. That's not how I see meeting up with friends.
Going for a meal is very different to going out for the night. Not contacting him was inconsiderate, discourteous and imo rude. I don't think that him wanting an ETA back home is unreasonable either; no doubt you'd hope he'd tell you and when your child is a teen you'd want to know... Is sulking and ignoring you a great mechanism, no. But it could also be that this is preferable for him than blurting out how he feels before he can process them.

If you're suggesting that he's controlling then that's a different issue that needs managing. But if he is, your thoughtless behaviour of no contact and what could be seen as purposely misleading that it was dinner, certainly won't have helped the relationship.

Bythemillpond · 13/04/2021 21:14

He says it's because he worries about me

If he was so worried about you he could have phoned.

I have gone and collected children from school and ended up with a group going for dinner and ending up in a West End show. I just tell him I’m out and I have the kids and we don’t know when we will be back. He is happy he gets the house to himself.

I really couldn’t stand someone trying to bring me down after a nice night.
I would ignore him and not speak to him again and go out again tonight.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 13/04/2021 21:15

This has resonated for me too. Separated from a husband who did exactly this, making it quite clear with a passive-aggressive sulk that my behaviour was unacceptable and he was not happy with me. I am so, so relieved I am out of that now. Could cry just thinking of all the cold shoulders I had for the crime of an extra bit of sleep when I was ill or for having a nice evening at a friend's house. I'm sorry you're enduring this, it's not normal or nice.

For what it's worth, my boyfriend now would probably have sent a little text before he went to bed and been happy to see me in the morning. After twelve years of insecure and jealous sulks, it's a breath of cheerful fresh air!

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 13/04/2021 21:19

Going for a meal is very different to going out for the night

Not in my house. Going for a meal would generally be expected to be an evening long affair. If I was home at 9pm after eating, great. If I was home at midnight after eating and a few drinks, also great. Same if DH went for a meal. If I said I was going to be home at 8 and then I wasn’t, then DH would worry, but it doesn’t sound like this is what happened here. OP’s DH made up what he considered to be a reasonable time in his own head and is annoyed that the OP didn’t live up to the standard he imposed.

youcancallmequeene · 13/04/2021 21:23

Nothing. Especially if I was home by midnight. Pretty normal pub kicking out time surely?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2021 21:25

If he was so worried about you he could have phoned.

That is true. But also a worried person is relieved to see you and happy. Not avoiding you and sulking. When I worry about DD she gets covered in kisses when she's back, not ignored.

NichyNoo · 13/04/2021 21:28

Arrange another night out with friends for next week and tell him this evening. He needs to realise that his childish sulking will achieve nothing.

cooldarkroom · 13/04/2021 21:33

He wasn't worried about you, he is jealous & insecure. He wants to control you because he doesn't want you out of the box.
He doesn't want you to enjoy time, out of home
He wants to be the centre of attention
If he did something similar it would be fine.
I know, this is my life

anxietyanonymous · 13/04/2021 21:34

He should be delighted for you that you got to let your hair down for the first time in ages and had fun!

It does sound as if you are walking on eggshells.

Ideally you'd have text. But given you knew
You would get grief-why would you?

Picked up at 8!!!

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 13/04/2021 21:40

DH would just be thrilled that after being so stressed and miserable for the past year (we live in an area that basically never came out of lockdown) I’d finally had a chance to have some fun with friends. If I came home before pub closing time he’d be surprised.

waitingforthenextseason · 13/04/2021 21:46

@Whattodo21

I wasn't really late, or really drunk, just got over excited to see a couple of my friends for food and drinks. In fairness, I didn't message him, as I had genuinely just lost track of time and when I realised the time, assumed he would be asleep as he hadn't messaged me. I didn't wake him any more than I normally would coming to bed (he often goes to bed before me, as early as 8pm). I was also up at 5 this morning and it hasn't affected anything he has needed to do whatsoever. The only person he has looked after is himself. I've dealt with the kids. He's not happy, is barely speaking to me and generally making me feel like I've done something really bad.
If this is accurate, than he's a twat.

Ignore him.

TomorrowsPrincess · 13/04/2021 21:47

My OH would have stayed up regardless of what time I got home in the hope of some drunken sex 😂😂😂
Other than that, he doesn't care what time I get in as long as I'm safe. He may even offer to pick me up. He'd probably make me a coffee in the morning (hoping probably for more sex😂)
Your partner sounds jealous and slightly controlling IMO

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 13/04/2021 21:48

People that love each other are supposed to want the other person to have a god time, be happy relaxed and fulfilled. He wants none of that for you by the sound of it. He seems to want you exactly where he can see you like a domestic servant.
Easy to say from a distance and I am a ‘fixer’ as well but I’d be seriously considering requesting a separation and counselling. Especially as this is part of a behaviour pattern.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 13/04/2021 21:48

Good time. Not god time.

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 13/04/2021 21:52

Not married but mine would've picked me up to make sure I got home safe regardless of what time of night it was, undressed and me and put me to bed and got me a glass of water then the next day he'd bring me a cup of tea in bed and some breakfast if I could stomach it and then get back into bed with me and let me snuggle up to him

NoatheQueen · 13/04/2021 21:55

My husband would definitely message to offer to pick me up and make sure I'm safe.
He'd go to bed if he knew I was ok and then when (me )complaining about my hangover the next day he'd probably buy me chocolate and make me a cup of tea.

Coldbatteredpuddings · 13/04/2021 21:55

He would want to know if I had a good time. He would probably also cook the dinner/ do the chores etc so that i could rest and sleep off the hangover! When he's been out and had late nights, I do the same for him. We love and support one another as should be usual in a relationship.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2021 21:56

I know he'd rib me about being tipsy, ask if I had a good time with my mates, make me a hot drink, snack if I wanted one, and that's it.

You were home at midnight, hardly late for an adult..! Passive aggressive/silent treatment - don't you find it wearisome? In your shoes I wouldn't even ask him what the silent treatment is for, or try to fix anything. STFU forever for all I care. I dislike control freaks and don't respond to sulks. Life's too short.

You've done nothing wrong OP, go about your life as normal, no doubt he'll speak when he's ready.

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 13/04/2021 21:59

I had an ex like this. I went out for an evening meal in another town with friends once. I was driving so didn't even drink. Was home by 10pm (I also didn't specify a time). Nothing could have prepared me for the onslaught I received when I got back.

If you've no kids, I would leave this plum and start a new unrestricted life.

ImInStealthMode · 13/04/2021 22:05

He'd pick me up regardless of time, unless he was having a drink himself. If he was awake when I got in he'd give me a kiss and a cuddle and ask how it was, if not that'd follow in the morning.

He'd provide my preferred hangover snacks and paracetamol if necessary.

Having a couple drinks after dinner isn't a big deal. If I'd gone for dinner at 6pm and wasn't expecting a lift home I wouldn't necessarily update him of my ETA unless I was likely to be significantly later than midnight.

Hell in my time I've gone out for lunch and rolled home at 2am when we've been having fun and there's been no other plans to worry about. Life is too short to restrict meals out to 2 hour time slots Hmm

(We don't have kids yet so no pressing morning responsibilities though. Worth adding).

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/04/2021 22:11

@NichyNoo

Arrange another night out with friends for next week and tell him this evening. He needs to realise that his childish sulking will achieve nothing.
Great idea! Don't show how it's getting to you. My DH used to do the sulky cold shoulder thing until I called him out on it every time. He now knows it won't wash with me
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