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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Best friend stopped speaking to me over coronavirus lockdonw

152 replies

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 12/04/2021 10:02

Hello, could really do with some advice please. I have two best friends who I went to school with. One I’ve been friends with since we were 4 years old so 36 years now. We’ve been like sisters all our lives. I’m getting married in September and these two are my adult bridesmaids. But I’d like to sort this even without the wedding.
Since the pandemic started she’s been anti lockdown, anti masks etc and I’ve just tried to not get into it with her as I respect her opinions but I’d rather just do what we have to do to get back to normal. She then joined Twitter and started sending me loads of videos and things about conspiracy theories and I tried to humour her with them but quite honestly I don’t know what to think. Even as recent as the last couple of months she seemed excited about my wedding. There was one evening though where she just turned and started ranting at me and since then she won’t speak to me. If I ask her if she’s ok she says the whole world has gone mad. She said it’s because of people like me that this lockdown has continued. I tried talking in our group chat about getting my dress and the bridesmaids dresses and she sent this sarcastic message about not socialising yet as the risk of death to her mum is one in 10000 yet the other week she wanted to go on the lockdown protest March. I’ve reached out to her again today asking if she wants to meet as my daughter would like to see hers and we should talk but if I get a response I doubt it will be a nice one. I really don’t know what to do anymore and I’m really worried about her. Our other friend had noticed something isn’t right but she hasn’t been as bad with her so it’s like she’s taking it all out on me. It’s causing me so much stress and worry. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 12:53

@VanceRefridgeration

OP I've just read your thread and it sounds awful

I agree with others that you need to step back from this but I understand why you can't.

My best friend since primary school moved in with me when we were in our late 20s. All great for the first month then she started acted strange and locking herself in her room. I did everything I could think of-cooked for her, rented her favourite films (blockbuster days), checked she was ok, offered to do her shopping... I got silence.

Then one day I came home to find all her stuff was gone and she left about a three line note accusing me of mental abuse throughout our friendship, saying how awful I was and she was better off without me.

I was distraught and tried to get in contact with her through family but she changed her number and told them all these horrible lies.

I found she'd also told mutual friends these lies-and I'm talking accusing me of things like locking her in her room without food and water (🤯) but they immediately saw it for what it was and sided with me.

What I'm getting at is that it took me about a year to really let it go. And I realised it wasn't because I missed her-she wasn't the friend I thought she was. But it was the INJUSTICE of it all! I wanted vindicating and for her to admit that I'd done nothing wrong. I wanted to be proved innocent. I wanted an apology ... an explanation or anything!

Then I let it go. I realised that she obviously truly believed these things about me and if that was the case then she'd constructed a pretty toxic narrative of our friendship and no amount of persuading was going to make her change it

It's the best thing I did and I'm so much happier. I think you do need to try and let go too

Wow that's terrible. Thank you for sharing that. You know I just sent her a pic and text as my daughter achieved something today and she didn't even reply. I think because we used to text each other everything all the time even random stuff it just hurts I don't really do that with anyone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 12:55

And I think she wants me to react and ask her what I'm meant to have done so she can have a go at me as last time I asked she sent me this horrible message about how angry she is with me and everyone else she feels haven't 'heard her expert voice'

OP posts:

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 12:58

@VanceRefridgeration can I ask how you managed to let it go and find peace as I don't know how I can. I'm going to have some therapy again for my anxiety and hopefully that will help but as it is I feel scared every time I send anyone a text message in case I upset them because I just can't stop thinking I have said something and she was the one person I thought would never do this. Just goes to show people can change after 40 years

OP posts:

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 14:23

I forgot something as well. When I spoke to her DP he was not aware of the nasty messages she had sent me and I think he was under the impression we had had a disagreement. He said 'well (friend's name) said we're always falling out over stuff so I'm sure we'll sort it out'. I said well actually she owes me a massive apology for stuff she said to me and he said she didn't mention that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 14:29

Now I wonder if I should try to call her to see if everything is ok but I think that's what she wants me to think

OP posts:

BorderlineHappy · 29/05/2021 14:40

No don't call her you'll be back here in a few months saying the same thing.
She's made her choice,leave her be.

pickingdaisies · 29/05/2021 14:43

I think you need to go no contact now, for your own mental health. I've just read through the thread, and you have done nothing to deserve her treatment of you. It's in her head, so nothing you say will convince her or change her mind. She's getting something out of this, she seems to be feeding off it and it's not good to let it continue.
Maybe at some point she'll come to her senses, but you need to get on with your life now. Enjoy the wedding and your lovely bridesmaid.

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 16:32

Thank you for taking the time to read the thread. I really appreciate that. I just feel like I'm going crazy because sometimes she'll answer sometimes not. She will 'like' a Facebook status that's not mine yet her DP says she has a problem with everyone at the moment so clearly that's not true so I end up thinking it must be me.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2021 00:58

Your "Friend" sounds like the DD from the "Uninvited from Family Wedding" thread.

You are supposed to beg, and you're not. Thats what you've done wrong.

NC. Its the only way to keep your sanity.

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 30/05/2021 01:11

Why is she acting like this with me and normal with everyone else.
I agree though. I need to dump her but 40 years of friendship for nothing

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2021 01:23

Because if she was like this with everyone then she wouldnt have her army who all see you as the bad one.

By kicking off at just you, when you complain to mutual friend, you are mad or paranoid. She is the angel, the victim. She needs a bad guy and has cast you in that role, probably from a combination of jealousy and unhappiness.

And it wasnt 40 years of friendship for nothing. Out of 40 years of friendship you got....40 years of friendship. Would you invest your money in a car that fnally gave up the ghost after 40 years and say "40 years for nothing"? Or would you be grateful for those 40 years, be happy that it lasted as long as it did and accept that you needed to let it go as it no longer worked?

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 30/05/2021 02:22

Only one of these people knows me. But you know looking back she's been negative about a lot of things I've done. When hen do was first discussed she mentioned she didn't like my sil. Then she couldn't be bridesmaid because she was 'fat'. I said I'm going to get you a dress you'll feel comfortable in. But anyway what response should I give her l?

OP posts:

Original poster

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 30/05/2021 02:24

That should be her?
And why did she agree on the bridesmaid dress and said she liked her DD's dress?

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2021 03:04

No response.

She is thriving on how she is upsetting you. She is jealous of you (I'm guessing she wants to get married but her DP hasnt asked or doesnt want to).

So at the absolute outside "Ok xx" but to be honest, I wouldnt bother responding at all. She is an addict and you are her supply, so cut off the supply.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2021 03:06

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

That should be her? And why did she agree on the bridesmaid dress and said she liked her DD's dress?

because for her the fun is in building you up, knowing she will let you down.

Justilou1 · 30/05/2021 04:03

Time to tell her to stop acting like a spoiled brat, pull her head out of her arse before she realizes the one thing that she believes is impossible.... alienating the one person she believes will stand by her no matter what she says or does. She has to start accepting responsibility for her behaviour and that continuing to hurt the people closest to her will end their respect for her and kill her relationships. It’s now up to her to fix things. (And follow through by leaving her to it.)

Elisandra · 30/05/2021 04:59

Boundaries, @Myusernameisnotmyusernameno!! She behaved horribly in many ways, blocked you and that’s when you needed to put a boundary in place that she is not allowed back into your life to cause you more stress. It is so hard to lose a long-term friend, but look at the stress and upset that trying to stay friends with her is causing. She’s projecting all her worries and unhappiness onto you, and due to your own anxiety etc you are tending to blame yourself for her behaviour.
Can you honestly see this ending well if you keep her as a bridesmaid? Your other bridesmaid saying ‘Oh she’ll be fine’ isn’t very reassuring. She isn’t being treated like you are and may not understand fully how bad things have got.

I imagine she’ll find ways to be difficult right up to the wedding. I’d cut your ties now. And sadly I imagine she’ll cause trouble via her DD if you keep DD as a bridesmaid.

RantyAnty · 30/05/2021 06:11

I really would drop the idea of her being in your wedding.
All she's done is cause you stress about it and my guess is she'll ruin it for you.

I'm guessing her problem is she hasn't done or accomplished much in her life so she is resentful and takes it out in everyone else.

Spending so much time in sm is easier than making real life changes.

MyOtherProfile · 30/05/2021 06:33

It sounds like you've been carrying this friendship for a long time. Stop now. You could send her the info re dress alterations and leave it at that. If she doesn't show then you have your answer. But stop messaging her and stop expecting anything of her.

You will feel better faster if you take the decision now.

MiaRoma · 30/05/2021 06:49

@stoopider

I’m in the same boat. It’s hugely distressing to have my best mate just morph into this Twitter obsessed rant angry belligerent mouthpiece. It’s constant. What should be lovely relief phone chats are hour long tirades. There’s no back and forth, no laughs...it’s draining and I think overall we all have to protect our own mental health, be true to ourselves and maybe let these friends go for now until they calm down and start to recognise that friendship is a two way street. Don’t let your friend ruin your wedding. Go silent on her for now and enjoy your day. You don’t need bridesmaids. Just make it what you can in difficult circumstances. Good luck x

This is such a brilliant post and exactly what I wanted to say but put so much better than I could!

BigHeadBertha · 30/05/2021 07:00

She obviously needs help but unless she is a danger to herself and others, she would have to want it first, and she doesn't. And even if she did, you are not the one who can provide it.

You deserve to be happy about your wedding plans and focus on your husband and your new life together, not allow this problem person to spoil it with her unnecessary drama.

I think you should uninvite her and be done with it. Perhaps one day in the future you can reconnect but I'd say she's used up the tolerance limit as far as your wedding goes.

Shannith · 30/05/2021 07:38

OP very gently stop trying to work out what's she's thinking and why.

I speak as a classic overthinker who has a constant shitty committee in my head going around and around trying to second guess, and third and forth guess other people's motivations and predict their next move.

And blaming myself every time what they did didn't fit with my version of what they "should" be doing.

Sound familiar- it certainly feels familiar from your posts.

So just stop. Stop trying to work out what's going on with her. All you are doing is filling your head with anxiety, what ifs, catastrophising and blame.

You are giving such a lot of head space to something you have absolutely no control over.

And it's doing you no good at all. Just work with the facts, do the minimum admin - here are the dresses, this is the date of the wedding. Are you coming yes/no. I need an answer by Friday or I will assume you answer is no.

Every time you find yourself trying to get into her head and the merry go round starting again remember you can't control people and all the minutes. hours, days s as d nights of worrying don't change a single actual, real thing.

Let it go. This is a time for celebration of a lovely long term partnership. Focus on that. Get you head busy with how grateful you are to have you soon to be DH and your other reliable, caring friend.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding and get her out of your head. She's living there rent free and it's making you miserable.

You do have a choice here. Not about how she behaves:feels/reacts but how you do.

Tell the shitty committee to fuck off. Breathe. Focus on the joy and love you have.

16purplecolour16 · 30/05/2021 07:53

Have read most of the thread. I think that the issue is now about how you are managing your anxiety not about your friend’s behaviour. I think the friend is somewhere for your anxiety to land. The bugger of anxiety is the default position of ‘my fault. My responsibility.’ So difficult to move on. Instead worrying at the problem as if a scab that gets constantly picked at so not allow to heal. Agree with advice early in the posts, leave with a general invite to the wedding, accept friendship has changed. You will manage whatever the outcome. Your focus now is on your wedding day.

MiaRoma · 30/05/2021 07:54

Great Post @Shannith

VanceRefridgeration · 30/05/2021 09:41

@Shannith