Best friend stopped speaking to me over coronavirus lockdonw

[Myusernameisnotmyusernameno]

Hello, could really do with some advice please. I have two best friends who I went to school with. One I’ve been friends with since we were 4 years old so 36 years now. We’ve been like sisters all our lives. I’m getting married in September and these two are my adult bridesmaids. But I’d like to sort this even without the wedding.
Since the pandemic started she’s been anti lockdown, anti masks etc and I’ve just tried to not get into it with her as I respect her opinions but I’d rather just do what we have to do to get back to normal. She then joined Twitter and started sending me loads of videos and things about conspiracy theories and I tried to humour her with them but quite honestly I don’t know what to think. Even as recent as the last couple of months she seemed excited about my wedding. There was one evening though where she just turned and started ranting at me and since then she won’t speak to me. If I ask her if she’s ok she says the whole world has gone mad. She said it’s because of people like me that this lockdown has continued. I tried talking in our group chat about getting my dress and the bridesmaids dresses and she sent this sarcastic message about not socialising yet as the risk of death to her mum is one in 10000 yet the other week she wanted to go on the lockdown protest March. I’ve reached out to her again today asking if she wants to meet as my daughter would like to see hers and we should talk but if I get a response I doubt it will be a nice one. I really don’t know what to do anymore and I’m really worried about her. Our other friend had noticed something isn’t right but she hasn’t been as bad with her so it’s like she’s taking it all out on me. It’s causing me so much stress and worry. Thank you.

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno - could she be hugely jealous? The FB behaviour sounds like a bit of deliberate passive aggressive ousting in order to make herself feel superior. Also - conspiracy theory believers are often hugely anxious people who aim to seek control over a terrible situation by thinking they have a superior belief. And that need to feel superior is because they are feeling very low/not in a great place themselves.

I response to not being able to afford the wedding. She would be bridesmaid and would not need an outfit. It’s a very small registry office followed by a party in a little social club in my hometown so just up the road from her. I think there may be jealousy involved but she should know by now she can talk to me. I do wonder though as I got a new car last year and she said she wanted it and I even let her take it for a drive. I made a joke about having the hen do in Benidorm and she said she wanted to go there. She will never make those kinds of plans though. She always finds a negative reason such as her partner wouldn’t feed their child properly if we went away. I offered to pay her petrol money but she said no. She now has a job working from home but complains about having to deal ‘with pro lockdown twats’. I paid my credit card off recently but didn’t mention anything although I was proud I’d cleared it because I know she was struggling with money. I am not having the kind of wedding that you have to shell out for and the hen do is just a few drinks and a meal. She also refused to sort that out for the ‘pro lockdown tears’ reason.

Twats not tears

@ElephantsNest thank you so much. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother and lack of support from your friend. It makes you really wonder about people doesn’t it?

My friend went covid crazy but the opposite end, i get daily rants and updates about so and so only wearing face mask over their mouth in a supermarket, or that person without a mask on a bus. She’s told me i’m crazy for going to the post office and could get a courier hand free pick up instead. I am so bored of her paranoia now and really don’t see this friendship ever being the same. I know it’s a coping mechanism to this ‘unprecedented’🥱 situation, but most people remain normal and just get on with their life.
Have you asked your friend if she still wants to be your bridesmaid? She doesn’t seem committed or interested at all. Better ask now so you can make other plans

@One1 she did say that I don’t care about people losing their jobs and homes and if it had happened to me I’d think differently. Our other friend has been furloughed twice and faced the threat of redundancy and I do care so I don’t know where she got that from. The wedding was arranged because my dad was getting ill and older and I wanted him to be there. He died and I never got chance to see him so I’ve lost things too and she was ok a few months ago. Since Xmas she has found a job working from home so I think there is a truth of that but she seems to think I’m someone I’m not.

If I’d been friends with someone that long and they are important to
You then I would just suck it up. A friend was mad at me when I did nothing wrong, but she wasn’t worth loosing over it so I told her I’m not sorry about it but I am sorry it upset her and she means a lot to me so I was happy to make it up to her and show her I am a good friend and how much she means to me. I think this sometimes just happens, friends have spats, someone gets hurt, it’s normal over a long period of time.

@Frauhubert that sounds just as bad to be honest. Well when I said about getting the dresses she said she didn’t want to see anybody. My other friend was like yeah I’ll be there so no she doesn’t want to be I don’t think. What other plans though? I can hardly ask someone else as that wouldn’t be nice. I’ll just have to have 1

@Magnificentmug12 that happened in lockdown 1 and it didn’t get me very far.

Op, it looks like she is a negative person overall, she may have done you a favour by cutting you out.
If she keeps finding reasons for not doing stuff, it’s better to just accept she won’t be part of your life from now, at least for a while. You know her best, jealousy could be it as well. Just be glad you are rid of the drama. Would you have liked her at your wedding moaning about Covid twats and other stuff? I know it hurts, but try to see it as a blessing in disguise.

There is part of me that grieves the loss of my friend as she used to be. It’s as though her feelings are so strong that she isn’t able to see the hurt she’s causing. I don’t know if you can relate this to your situation?

I will never completely shut the door on the friendship and I won’t be unkind, but for now she is too much to deal with so I am not proactively contacting her and if she contacts me I am keeping it brief. I think it’s reasonable to be civil but do what you need to do for your own peace of mind.

Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change her mindset.
It’s not so much that she’s nurturing conspiracy theories...it’s the fact that she’s using them to be fucking horrible to you. It’s not on...not on at all. How arrogant and rude she is, how self-absorbed, how disrespectful to you.

I think it’s a case of withdrawing for now but letting her know that the door is open if or when she can pull her head out of her arse.
Until then, I’d not be entertaining her. She can get in touch with you.
Your wedding sounds (like mine) an informal affair that can handle a change of plan. It doesn’t sound as though she has any regard for it so there’s no need to worry about including her as bridesmaid. She doesn’t want it.

It’s a shame but friendships sometimes go off course. It’s not like on the telly. X

Yes Pictish, you’ve put it better than I have. Look after yourself Myusername

@Bettysnow

Honestly for your own sanity cut her loose. You should be enjoying what should be the build up to your wedding not stressing over someone who is supposed to be your friend yet is treating you really badly. Life is too short to be wasting your precious time bothering with people like this.

100% this. The friend in question sounds unhinged unfortunately. I'm definitely one for not always believing what things seem to be on the surface but when you properly examine these conspiracy theories they're riddled with scientific errors from.people who have irrelevant scientific backgrounds or no science background at all (i have a relevant scientific background myself ) that take advantange of people not understanding the relevant biology or how certain tests actually work for example.

Thank you both of you. Well I just hope my other friend is still up for bridesmaid. She seems to be. Ultimately I’m not going to say to another friend hey do you want to be bridesmaid now as that seems disrespectful so if I just have to have two little ones it is what it is. But my other friend seems happy about it at the moment. As for her I’ve made her a photo book for her 40th so I’ll just post it with a note saying something like leaving the door open for the future. The strange thing is my dad couldn’t stand her and I used to tell him off for it and once he didn’t want to go to my wedding if she was there and now neither of them are there. It’s strange but I really wish he was here.

I know someone like this. Weirdly, she claimed to be a sceptic and became a complete conspiracy theorist, sending YouTube and Twitter links constantly, - YET she is the one who has become a hermit for the whole year. I accepted lockdown, but have been shopping, out for exercise and are out in the summer. She was allowed to work from home and is resisting going back. She also refused the vaccine so far. Her life outside the house stopped.
Your friend sounds similar. Mine is a drinker and obese. I think her existing MH problems sent her off down the conspiracy rabbit hole.
Enjoy your wedding and don't give her another thought!

@LivBa she thinks I’m disrespecting her for not trusting those theories but quite honestly I just want to get on with my life. She once asked me how I have time to read books with a child as hers is a toddler and very demanding but I think as she has to go to bed with her early every night she is just lying there reading all this nonsense.

Yeah it's happened to me too although I'm hoping that the friendship will survive.

My friend really struggled with not being able to socialise normally and had been through a tough time with separating from her husband and other awful things.

I don't know what I've done to offend her because she's talking in code, "I'm saying nothing until I'm proven right", "it'll all come out in the end" etc.

I was really confused about some of the things she's said to me and she's been really quite passive aggressive which isn't like her, but then it became clear that she's created a "lockdown narrative" for me that she actually seems to believe.

Mutual friends have been told that I wouldn't leave the house she must've missed the bit where I continued to go to work, that I've been furloughed (never have), that I'd been furloughed again, (still never have). She's stood me up several times, I don't get invited along anymore ever. We used to be so close but it seems that she's made her mind up.

Disrespecting her? How narcissistic of her...to genuinely believe that her opinion is of such import that to form your own is to disrespect her.
You can’t do anything with that.
By the way, you mentioned earlier that she is not like this with your mutual friend and that you suspect that’s because they’re not as close and mutual friend would shut it down. You are bang on. She’s targeting you for her bullshit. Don’t put up with it.

Yes...we are being used as emotional punch bags. For me at least, that feels like the dynamic. I’m usually calm and steady (at least on the surface!), kind. Unlikely to retaliate. Not the sort of person to humiliate my friend by calling out her behavior to her friends, family and employers...

I think you’re all right. I went round her house towards the end of the lockdown. We were meant to be going to mutual friend’s and sitting outside but it was raining so I still went to her house instead. Mutual friend didn’t want to sit inside and we both respected that although she was a bit bitchy about it. She made me watch a 30 min video of candace Owens ranting. I asked her advice about some curtains recently lol and she said I won’t answer you until you watch this video about some doctor talking about conspiracy theories. It was an hour long. She begged me saying please just watch it and if you don’t agree I’ll never mention it again. I said I watched about five mins but with respect I just couldn’t follow it and the woman was a bit bizarre. She did a crying emoji. I said I didn’t like Laurence Fox, she said that reminds me to follow him on Twitter thanks. And then she kept defending him all the time against any little thing. She doesn’t actually know him on a personal level.

And if I tried to not comment she’d keep goading me. I think she is using my wedding as some kind of weapon. As little as a few weeks ago she said how shall I do my dd’s hair for your wedding. I need to practice. How do you go from that to I hate you and want nothing to do with it.

@denverRegina I wouldn’t stress about your friend. You sound too good for her.

I would call her out on it. 'Look, we've been friends for 36 years but that doesn't mean we have to agree on everything. Can you stop acting like a prize wanker? I've got a wedding coming up and I'd like to have my friend there. My good friend. Not this dickhead she has been the past few months. So please find her and shake the mothballs off. Because you're better than this'.

If she doesnt sort her shit out, dont have her as any kind of special role at the wedding. And dont pander to her anymore.

I’ve tried all that. I told her she would always be my BFF etc that I was here for her day/night and she’s blocked me now anyway. If I fb msg her she’ll block me there too.