Best friend stopped speaking to me over coronavirus lockdonw

[Myusernameisnotmyusernameno]

Hello, could really do with some advice please. I have two best friends who I went to school with. One I’ve been friends with since we were 4 years old so 36 years now. We’ve been like sisters all our lives. I’m getting married in September and these two are my adult bridesmaids. But I’d like to sort this even without the wedding.
Since the pandemic started she’s been anti lockdown, anti masks etc and I’ve just tried to not get into it with her as I respect her opinions but I’d rather just do what we have to do to get back to normal. She then joined Twitter and started sending me loads of videos and things about conspiracy theories and I tried to humour her with them but quite honestly I don’t know what to think. Even as recent as the last couple of months she seemed excited about my wedding. There was one evening though where she just turned and started ranting at me and since then she won’t speak to me. If I ask her if she’s ok she says the whole world has gone mad. She said it’s because of people like me that this lockdown has continued. I tried talking in our group chat about getting my dress and the bridesmaids dresses and she sent this sarcastic message about not socialising yet as the risk of death to her mum is one in 10000 yet the other week she wanted to go on the lockdown protest March. I’ve reached out to her again today asking if she wants to meet as my daughter would like to see hers and we should talk but if I get a response I doubt it will be a nice one. I really don’t know what to do anymore and I’m really worried about her. Our other friend had noticed something isn’t right but she hasn’t been as bad with her so it’s like she’s taking it all out on me. It’s causing me so much stress and worry. Thank you.

Auch well, sod her then. I'm betting she will fall off the radar for a few years and then come back with some guff excuse somewhere down the line.

Let her go, she isn't a healthy person to have in your life right now.

Aww I agree and I had a bit of a moment a couple of weeks ago about turning 40 and realising life doesn’t last forever and I’m sorry to say I don’t want to waste it running around after people who don’t give two shits. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt as I absolutely think she is not very well right now but I’m damned if I’m going to make my mental health any worse than it already is and therefore drag my fiancé and daughter down with me. I will write her a note saying I’m willing to talk when she is ready but that is that and I also think you’re all right about the Facebook stuff. She is gearing up to completely ignore my birthday next week and if she can be that deluded to be that nasty I cannot deal with it.

Thank you to everyone on this thread. My anxiety always likes me to think it’s me not them and I knew it wasn’t me but it’s still nice to hear it. Xx

The clue is where your friend said ‘precious wedding plans’. Is she jealous of your wedding and as she is suffering lockdown, decided to try and spoil things? Just a thought? You need to accept this and make your wedding plans without her sad though it is. Maybe the friendship isn’t as great as you thought

It certainly sounds spiteful

U know when you just think gosh am I the only one this has happened to. I must’ve done something bad in a previous life so as awful as it is at least I know it’s not just me. She even said to me the other week ‘everyone I’ve been a bridesmaid for no longer speaks to me’ as though she was worried. And I said that definitely wouldn’t happen to us.

Well other month

Hello, I'm posting an update as struggling with this again and you all gave me such great advice before. So we managed to kind of reconcile a bit when it was our birthdays. Haven't actually seen her but we seemed ok. Booked a date in to go and get bridesmaid dresses as she couldn't make the date I went to get my wedding dress. Anyway I got to the shop and there was a long lead time with the bridesmaid dresses so my other bridesmaid said just get hers now. I sent her a picture and we agreed on one so I got it. She answered and seemed ok with it but now she is not really replying to my texts again and it's really messing with my head. I need her to get some shoes, that's all and come with me and my other bridesmaid to get them adjusted but I'm unravelling at the thought of her letting me down and I just don't know what I'm meant to have done wrong. I don't want to text her asking her as that's giving her power again. I guess I just feel now as though I should have just left her to it but I've got her and her daughters dresses now so do I leave her for a bit or try and talk to her.

I have to say I'm really struggling with my MH right now which is affecting my work and she is just making it worse or at least this situation is. And she knows how that affects me.

Can I please ask you in all seriousness why are you unravelling over the prospect of your friend and her daughter dropping out of bridesmaids duties?
I get that it hurts but only you can control how much your wedding will stress you out, whether it's this or something else?
If anything a smaller wedding party gives you more flexibility if June 21st does not bring a full lifting of lockdown?

No one will die if you have one more groomsman than bridesmaid. You have a choice, tell her to turn up on date X for the group fittings. No show means that regretfully you'll accept that she can't commit at present.
Or send the garments to her on a -arrange your own alterations at your convenience and we'll see you if we see you basis. But then it sounds as though she will keep you hanging in suspense right up to the hour of your wedding.

For whatever reason, she is being a cow. You can either call her out on it or ignore it and play the long game for the moment. How much you let it affect you is up to YOU.

I completely agree with you there. I know I have to let it go. I just don't know if she is playing me or just doesn't think it will happen. Maybe she feels stressed herself but it's just one minute she's there the next not. Our other friend said it's just her being her but I'm really at my limit with it now. And if she didn't want to do it I would rather she had said before I spent money on the dresses. But she is normally quite an honest person so I think maybe it is me getting stressed over nothing. Should I just leave her alone for a bit? She had sent me a message saying she doesn't think she 'deserves' to be a maid of honour as she isn't contributing anything and I said I just wanted her there as one of my oldest and best friends something she has referred to me as herself so I have not asked for anything from her

And I can't understand what I am meant to have done wrong except for follow the 'rules' and get jabbed like most other people. I do suffer with anxiety so maybe it is me but she knows all about that so thought she would be more understanding about it.

Reading your whole thread about your friendship and how it dwindled during lockdown.. I would not have bought her or her daughter a dress.. she has clearly been horrible to you during this pandemic and you want her at your wedding.. when she blocked you thar would have been it.. the friendship has been damaged and it will be hard to repair it.. personally if that was me I'd block her and have nothing to do with her again .. she clearly does not care about you as she keeps ignoring and leaves you hanging which I find quite rude..

You haven't done anything wrong so stop agonising over it.
Nicely and politely give her an ultimatum.

You would very much like her at the wedding, oldest friend etc etc
It's been a difficult year for everyone, hopefully it's behind us.
Lack of commitment ambivalence is causing stress. If she'd rather not attend or attend as a guest you'd rather know now. No hard feelings.
As an old friend you are asking her to step up if she is going to be a bridesmaid. What do you expect from her? Tell her.

I'm so sorry OP but I don't think this will get better. If she's that easily drawn in by silly conspiracies, it's unlikely she'll change her mind. As she's getting so worked up about it she'd likely be embarrassed to change her mind and admit she was wrong now.

You could send her an ultimatum that if she wants to be involved in your wedding (congratulations by the way!) she'll need to keep her opinions to herself. However, I'd be concerned that she would be ridiculous and ruin your day. At all weddings general chit chat is made and if someone says something she doesn't agree with, she could get just as angry at them.

Perhaps talk to her about it and tell her that her feelings and the way she speaks to you is getting in the way and if she can't contain it she won't be in the wedding anymore.

I hope you have a lovely day, whether she's there or not.

Send both dresses back and enjoy your day.
You don't need this Messer in your life.
You've given her ample time and now it just stops here.

Enjoy your build up without her ruining it.
You just know she'll ruin your wedding.

She sounds awful OP. She's just treating you so unkindly!

I'd either give her a piece of my mind about how she'd treated me, or just ditch the friendship.

@BorderlineHappy

Send both dresses back and enjoy your day. You don't need this Messer in your life. You've given her ample time and now it just stops here.

Enjoy your build up without her ruining it.
You just know she'll ruin your wedding.

I wish I could but one is made to order and I can't get a refund and she does know that. If I send her daughter's back and she ends up being bridesmaid that's a bit mean

@MMMarmite

She sounds awful OP. She's just treating you so unkindly!

I'd either give her a piece of my mind about how she'd treated me, or just ditch the friendship.

I'm getting to that point. Thank you though at least I know it's not just me.

I'm tempted to ignore her and let her daughter be flower girl anyway and tell her DP to bring her. He is as sick of it as everyone else I think.

@BetterThanKleenex

I'm so sorry OP but I don't think this will get better. If she's that easily drawn in by silly conspiracies, it's unlikely she'll change her mind. As she's getting so worked up about it she'd likely be embarrassed to change her mind and admit she was wrong now.

You could send her an ultimatum that if she wants to be involved in your wedding (congratulations by the way!) she'll need to keep her opinions to herself. However, I'd be concerned that she would be ridiculous and ruin your day. At all weddings general chit chat is made and if someone says something she doesn't agree with, she could get just as angry at them.

Perhaps talk to her about it and tell her that her feelings and the way she speaks to you is getting in the way and if she can't contain it she won't be in the wedding anymore.

I hope you have a lovely day, whether she's there or not.

Thank you for your lovely words

This clearly isn't about you at all. This woman sounds like she has a fairly persistent mental health issue and it's now getting in the way of her relationships.
She feels like she's on a 'mission' to get people to come around to her way of thinking about conspiracies, etc'.
A way to negotiate this when talking to someone like this is to form a two-step sentence: (1) mention what's important to them first and then (2) say the thing you want to say. If you don't acknowledge her 'important' thing they she'll feel dismissed and slighted. At (1) you acknowledge her Good Intention because this is actually what's driving her bad and controlling behaviour.
So in her case you would say 'I know this video on lockdowns is important to you because you are a really caring person, but also my wedding is quite near and I'm anxious about the arrangements for that'.
I know it's pandering to her but sometimes you have to pander if you need to get past something.
If she hears you noticing her good intentions then that will disarm her and you mightn't get so much missiles being thrown at you.
It's not you, it really isn't, so try not to take it personally.

Do you know what is driving me mad about this is that she also practically ignores anything I put on social media but 'likes' things our mutual best friend posts. She doesn't text her and vice versa but still acts kind of normal with her and I think it's because mutual friend won't put up with the crap. It's not even about wedding stuff. She told me her mum had had a car accident and I was really sympathetic and asking about it. Then I told her my DP's Aunt had died from blood clots and she didn't say sorry or anything just made a comment about it being to do with the vaccine. Then she said her father in law was ill and again I was asking and she ignored me then. I sent her a message asking about him 10 days later and she did reply but didn't refer to how she had ignored me before. Don't get me wrong I know life happens and people don't always answer but I think it's her way of trying to control and get to me. Like answering me when she feels like it and reacting to our friend on social media. She's behaving like girls at my 8 yo dd school.

And she wrote this gushing post on my birthday about how I'm one of her oldest and bestest friends so she is clearly confused

This is no friend. She has no respect for you. I wouldn't allow her to your wedding at all. It should have ended when she blocked you.