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Original poster

Best friend stopped speaking to me over coronavirus lockdonw

152 replies

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 12/04/2021 10:02

Hello, could really do with some advice please. I have two best friends who I went to school with. One I’ve been friends with since we were 4 years old so 36 years now. We’ve been like sisters all our lives. I’m getting married in September and these two are my adult bridesmaids. But I’d like to sort this even without the wedding.
Since the pandemic started she’s been anti lockdown, anti masks etc and I’ve just tried to not get into it with her as I respect her opinions but I’d rather just do what we have to do to get back to normal. She then joined Twitter and started sending me loads of videos and things about conspiracy theories and I tried to humour her with them but quite honestly I don’t know what to think. Even as recent as the last couple of months she seemed excited about my wedding. There was one evening though where she just turned and started ranting at me and since then she won’t speak to me. If I ask her if she’s ok she says the whole world has gone mad. She said it’s because of people like me that this lockdown has continued. I tried talking in our group chat about getting my dress and the bridesmaids dresses and she sent this sarcastic message about not socialising yet as the risk of death to her mum is one in 10000 yet the other week she wanted to go on the lockdown protest March. I’ve reached out to her again today asking if she wants to meet as my daughter would like to see hers and we should talk but if I get a response I doubt it will be a nice one. I really don’t know what to do anymore and I’m really worried about her. Our other friend had noticed something isn’t right but she hasn’t been as bad with her so it’s like she’s taking it all out on me. It’s causing me so much stress and worry. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 27/05/2021 15:49

@crystalize

This is no friend. She has no respect for you. I wouldn't allow her to your wedding at all. It should have ended when she blocked you.
Too soft arent I? Our other friend said she will be fine though so I think I just gave her a chance as we've been friends for 37 years
OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 27/05/2021 15:50

She actually said to me that anyone she has been a bridesmaid for before no longer speaks to her so she was worried that would happen. Yet she has done this

OP posts:
crystalize · 27/05/2021 16:10

Yes way too soft! Ive been the same in the past but as Ive got older (early 50s) its only these last few years where I've had these lightbulb moments about so called friends and have gradually backed away. One was a lifelong cousin. Just because its been many many years doesn't mean you are obligated to put up with poor behaviour.

Look up the sunk costs fallacy in relationships.

MMMarmite · 27/05/2021 18:14

Interesting that this has happened with other brides! Is she married herself? If not, or her relationship's not good, is there some kind of jealousy driving her behaviour?

As a usually-singleton I have mixed feelings about friends weddings! Doesn't excuse this behaviour though.

Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 27/05/2021 18:28

I don't think she fell out with them over weddings. One of them she didn't see much after the wedding so thinks she only wanted her to make herself look popular at the wedding. The other one as far as I know still sees herself as her friend but there was a bit of animosity over a misunderstanding. I think she is just upsetting people a lot. She's generally angry at a lot of people. Her DP told me she doesn't want to see anybody but she seems worse with me than anyone else. Or maybe she's trying to make an effort with me by being a bridesmaid when she doesn't feel like it. I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 27/05/2021 18:29

I think she blames everyone else for everything that goes wrong in her life so probably is jealous.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 27/05/2021 18:36

You'll have a better day without her - and one bridesmaid is plenty.

Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 27/05/2021 18:40

I think I'll just say to her nearer the time, we're going here to get the dresses adjusted if you can't make it then either wear your dress as it is or don't come 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 27/05/2021 18:40

It's a waste of money but rather that than all this stress

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 27/05/2021 18:41

It's just the not understanding what I've done to her I hate. We used to text any old crap to each other and don't even do that anymore. And before that for about a year it was crap about coronavirus so it's a bit like losing your sister really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 27/05/2021 22:06

@crystalize

Yes way too soft! Ive been the same in the past but as Ive got older (early 50s) its only these last few years where I've had these lightbulb moments about so called friends and have gradually backed away. One was a lifelong cousin. Just because its been many many years doesn't mean you are obligated to put up with poor behaviour.

Look up the sunk costs fallacy in relationships.

Thanks I looked that up. It's just so hard when you are used to talking to that person so much and they seem happy to throw a perfectly decent friendship away. I guess I'm just too nice and naive.
OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 28/05/2021 23:54

@katy1213

You'll have a better day without her - and one bridesmaid is plenty.
Thank you
OP posts:
ferando81 · 29/05/2021 00:11

Actually think these conspiracy theorists are quite narcissistic.They think they are smarter than everyone else and ignore the fact exceptionally smart people are supporting the lockdown and vaccine ,not because they like them but because they feel they are necessary.You have done all you can .

DiscordandRhyme · 29/05/2021 00:58

The thing with wanting closure is it keeps you in the same negative loop.

The reason doesn't matter - her behaviour does.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 29/05/2021 02:26

I have a few conspiracy theorists as friends. Two of which have been confrontational and I'd decided to give both friendships space - I was considering ending one of the friendships.

I've seen both friends this last fortnight and I don't think MH issues are enough to excuse their behaviour. I have seen them at their worst and I'm not sure I can forgive them. I wanted a better resolution but I can't see much remaining of the friends they were.

I didn't have many close friends to start with and I feel gutted to have lost them. I can't keep lying to myself about them anymore. I can't unsee this side to them. I can't accept what they are saying and how they are bullying me into trying to accept their POVs.

Justa47 · 29/05/2021 05:45

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

She broke the law
Not following lockdowns.

SpeakingFranglais · 29/05/2021 06:22

DD suffers with anxiety and I know you are badly overthinking things.

Sometimes you have to let people in your life go, and she is not good for your own mental health. She’s allowing the fact that you’re doing well in your own life to affect her MH so she’s taking you down with her and blaming you for her feelings.

It’s good she’s blocked you, please don’t allow this negative energy back into your life, move on and be free of it.

It’s NOT you.

grapewine · 29/05/2021 06:33

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

Maybe and I hope so but I’m not sure things can be the same with some of the things she has said to me. I don’t think she is well though. She’s also said some astounding things in support of Donald Trump and the white cop who killed George Floyd.
Do you need any further reasons to just park the relationship? Leave her to her Twitter rants.
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2021 08:37

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

And she wrote this gushing post on my birthday about how I'm one of her oldest and bestest friends so she is clearly confused
Many have struggled during covid and will take some time to recover. If you want to save your friendship you’ll need to ride it out.

As an aside, as much as I adore my friends, wedding planning can seem endless to others when it’s the main topic of conversation for months on end. It gets very boring very quickly.

Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 10:06

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
I totally get that but I have hardly mentioned it. Although there may be some truth in it as she was answering the first few messages. Tbh though her replies have been scornful rather than bored.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 10:15

And I tried asking her questions about her own stuff and she doesn't answer

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 10:21

@SpeakingFranglais

DD suffers with anxiety and I know you are badly overthinking things.

Sometimes you have to let people in your life go, and she is not good for your own mental health. She’s allowing the fact that you’re doing well in your own life to affect her MH so she’s taking you down with her and blaming you for her feelings.

It’s good she’s blocked you, please don’t allow this negative energy back into your life, move on and be free of it.

It’s NOT you.

Thank you. It's good to see someone who might see where I'm coming from. I think she is suffering with her MH too. I saw her DP and he said she was pushing him away to the point he didn't even want to be in the house with her and she was very angry and I feel she is taking it out on me as I am probably the closest she has to a sister and therefore would put up with her crap. When I first said I was getting married she seemed really into it and it's more about how she thinks people like me have contributed to the lockdown and now we are getting back to normal she isn't going to drop everything for everyone. I just don't know whether to keep trying or leave her to it. Either way will be wrong I know.
OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 10:49

@katy1213

You'll have a better day without her - and one bridesmaid is plenty.
And the one bridesmaid has been absolutely awesome, incredibly supportive. I'm very lucky to have her
OP posts:
BorderlineHappy · 29/05/2021 11:02

*And the one bridesmaid has been absolutely awesome, incredibly supportive. I'm very lucky to have her"
There you go op,put your energy in to that bridesmaid and having a fantastic day.

VanceRefridgeration · 29/05/2021 11:28

OP I've just read your thread and it sounds awful

I agree with others that you need to step back from this but I understand why you can't.

My best friend since primary school moved in with me when we were in our late 20s. All great for the first month then she started acted strange and locking herself in her room. I did everything I could think of-cooked for her, rented her favourite films (blockbuster days), checked she was ok, offered to do her shopping... I got silence.

Then one day I came home to find all her stuff was gone and she left about a three line note accusing me of mental abuse throughout our friendship, saying how awful I was and she was better off without me.

I was distraught and tried to get in contact with her through family but she changed her number and told them all these horrible lies.

I found she'd also told mutual friends these lies-and I'm talking accusing me of things like locking her in her room without food and water (🤯) but they immediately saw it for what it was and sided with me.

What I'm getting at is that it took me about a year to really let it go. And I realised it wasn't because I missed her-she wasn't the friend I thought she was. But it was the INJUSTICE of it all! I wanted vindicating and for her to admit that I'd done nothing wrong. I wanted to be proved innocent. I wanted an apology ... an explanation or anything!

Then I let it go. I realised that she obviously truly believed these things about me and if that was the case then she'd constructed a pretty toxic narrative of our friendship and no amount of persuading was going to make her change it

It's the best thing I did and I'm so much happier. I think you do need to try and let go too