Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

I just saw a guy with a photo of him and two girls, presumably his kids. His profile says he had two adult daughters but in this pic were definitely teenagers.

His other photo was dreadful, really blurry and old looking. I noticed the following: a) someone smoking indoors in the background, wasn't that banned in 2009?, b) the chubby badly dressed child of about eight looked a lot like the teenager in the other photo, c) a date stamp of 2010 - so eleven years old.

Honestly, what a twat. Do people honestly think that's acceptable?
If this is the level of effort they're prepared to put in what is the point?
None of my photos are more than a year old. I put a new one up taken today (not a selfie!).

I want to cancel a couple of the dates I have. I went a bit overboard and there are two irons I really like. The others seem lovely but I don't think I feel a connection or attraction so it feels unfair and honestly I feel a bit overwhelmed. But I don't know what to say to them. I'm rubbish at this.

@MotherForker

I want to cancel a couple of the dates I have. I went a bit overboard and there are two irons I really like. The others seem lovely but I don't think I feel a connection or attraction so it feels unfair and honestly I feel a bit overwhelmed. But I don't know what to say to them. I'm rubbish at this.

I did this and got back to them and said that I was 'pausing the search as my heart wasn't really in it, good luck with everything you seem lovely'

That's a good phrase @BelladiMamma. They both seem so lovey and sweet. They are both keen too. I just don't feel any spark. I don't want to mess them around.

Tell them you met someone you’d like to focus on, apologise and wish them luck. And do it as soon as possible, so they can maybe offer a date to someone else.

The reasonable ones will just wish you luck, and maybe suggest getting back in touch if things don’t work out. In my world, I see us all as fellow passengers so if someone has a chance of getting off the train, I would be glad for them.

@HairyArsedMan

Tell them you met someone you’d like to focus on, apologise and wish them luck. And do it as soon as possible, so they can maybe offer a date to someone else.

The reasonable ones will just wish you luck, and maybe suggest getting back in touch if things don’t work out. In my world, I see us all as fellow passengers so if someone has a chance of getting off the train, I would be glad for them.

I wasn't sure about saying I'd met someone else as it's all so ephemeral. I might think I've met someone but then within a week it's all back to square one.

What would you do if there's someone you like but they just got bumped down the match queue because someone else was quicker off the mark? Sometimes I think I'd like to meet more than one or two people but then get overwhelmed. Then in a week I'm back to no irons again and would like to meet up with someone I was chatting with before? I always thought blokes particular might find it rude or not want to be second best?

I agree with what HairyArsedMan says - comes across well.
In fact I first matched with Mr Haircut around 5 months ago on tinder - we started msg and then he sent a message saying he was pursuing something with another match, he apologised to me , wished me the best - I replied thanking him and saying that was very polite rather than just disappearing - we wished each other well. Now a couple of weeks back he liked me on hinge and we are back chatting. I assume his previous iron didn’t work out. It’s all good - he seems a really decent chap. Just not sure on spark - but then I’m useless at this so who knows when/if we meet ....

He did just send me a good morning message which was quite sweet

@GaraMedouar

I agree with what HairyArsedMan says - comes across well. In fact I first matched with Mr Haircut around 5 months ago on tinder - we started msg and then he sent a message saying he was pursuing something with another match, he apologised to me , wished me the best - I replied thanking him and saying that was very polite rather than just disappearing - we wished each other well. Now a couple of weeks back he liked me on hinge and we are back chatting. I assume his previous iron didn’t work out. It’s all good - he seems a really decent chap. Just not sure on spark - but then I’m useless at this so who knows when/if we meet ....

He did just send me a good morning message which was quite sweet

Yes it's more honest, which sits well but I am always so wary of offending people. Should really just deal with it - if they're offended I guess that's a red flag anyway!

That's nice to get a good morning message

In other news I was talking to Mr Bear about a trip I wanted to do and put the phone down and promptly called a couple of girlfriends to see if they fancied it. None of this hanging around waiting for a partner to join me ...

@BellaDiMamma Glad you came back on that point as our two replies were quite the opposite and I was minded to disagree strongly but held back. I think you should go with honesty. You can even say it exactly as you've said it here - that you might end up back on the market, such is the fickle hand of online dating.

For me honesty works - telling me I'm a decent chap while burning the bridge to me sets off my bullshit detector and I'm far less likely to entertain a continuation of a previous chat. So even just from a selfish perspective you're going to be better served with honesty if you're dealing with someone like me. My nose wouldn't be put out of joint, I'm not so egotistical as to think I'm the only (or even most) eligible bloke out there. And even if I was so egotistical it'd be in stark ignorance of the online attention I get !

[quote HairyArsedMan]@BellaDiMamma Glad you came back on that point as our two replies were quite the opposite and I was minded to disagree strongly but held back. I think you should go with honesty. You can even say it exactly as you've said it here - that you might end up back on the market, such is the fickle hand of online dating.

For me honesty works - telling me I'm a decent chap while burning the bridge to me sets off my bullshit detector and I'm far less likely to entertain a continuation of a previous chat. So even just from a selfish perspective you're going to be better served with honesty if you're dealing with someone like me. My nose wouldn't be put out of joint, I'm not so egotistical as to think I'm the only (or even most) eligible bloke out there. And even if I was so egotistical it'd be in stark ignorance of the online attention I get ! [/quote]
I think it's great you're like that. Due to previous I tread on eggshells around all men. Can't really be doing with the anger / suicide threats / who do you think you are comebacks that I've had over the last year or so. Even with one date only irons I've had that sort of shite. Better still, looking for me on other platforms to blast me too. 🤦🏻‍♀️ and I now know it's not me, it's them - but I also know that it's better to know how they react too!

But honesty is ALWAYS best. So maybe I'll take a leaf out of your book 📚 and do it more often.

@MotherForker i always say i have met someone i want to progress with and that i don't agree with multi dating. Everyone I've said it to has taken it well and always asked me to get in touch if it didn't work out.

It's shit that you (all, and @BelladiMamma) have to tread carefully, and I guess it's why I'm not quite down with the meet as soon as possible thing that the thread has either. I think the abusive and horrible ones are going to do that with rejection at any stage so I feel you should provide plenty of rope before you meet and axe ruthlessly, if I can mix my execution metaphors.

A sustained fun conversation without strongly romantic overtones works well for me (it sometimes backfires as when I was asked by someone if I even liked her). In contrast to @TheCatWithHat further up the thread, I don't view the chat as solely establishing some basics - I want to get the feeling we're on a similar wavelength. I want to date someone I really want to meet, so I feel it's best to meet as soon as you can both be sure you're on the same page about what meeting means ...

@HairyArsedMan

It's shit that you (all, and *@BelladiMamma*) have to tread carefully, and I guess it's why I'm not quite down with the meet as soon as possible thing that the thread has either. I think the abusive and horrible ones are going to do that with rejection at any stage so I feel you should provide plenty of rope before you meet and axe ruthlessly, if I can mix my execution metaphors.

A sustained fun conversation without strongly romantic overtones works well for me (it sometimes backfires as when I was asked by someone if I even liked her). In contrast to @TheCatWithHat further up the thread, I don't view the chat as solely establishing some basics - I want to get the feeling we're on a similar wavelength. I want to date someone I really want to meet, so I feel it's best to meet as soon as you can both be sure you're on the same page about what meeting means ...

It's tricky isn't it? What's the ideal match - chat - meet time curve. Presumably someone in a research lab is working on this right now?!

I've found that with the fantasists / abusers / sex hounds it's almost better to meet and not let chats build up over days because you then let boundaries niggle eg late night texts, the odd photo request, builds up into something different from what you were hoping as it's easier to run a fantasy on line than in person. My most recent aspiring cocklodger only showed his true colours in meeting him as he clearly had zero respect for my own space ... helped himself to the tv, stuff out the fridge ... but have pretty good text. If I'd met him sooner I wouldn't have entertained him on text as long as I did ... but lockdown / distance etc meant we couldn't meet up ...

So. To conclude. It's an art not a science and I am fairly sure I get most of it wrong as I've had some really low quality interactions this last year despite my healthy bank balance devastating good looks lack of angel wing photos and modest personality ...

Still, it's kept my therapist in work. Silver linings

True to my form, the date for today was cancelled. I text MrSnap this morning to see if it was still on and he said no, he had to work. But if he had to work, surely he'd have let me know when the work was planned rather than waiting for me to ask iyswim?!
Anyway I got loads done as it was first day back at school here. I find the disrespect for my (very, very limited) free time is a bit of a bug bear for me tbh, I expressly tell them how precious the time is. Especially when it's them who said the day and asked for the meet!
I've a couple of chats going on so see what happens with them 🙏

@frankiefirstyear - that is just really inconsiderate. Manners cost nothing !

That’s shit @frankiefirstyear I completely agree people have stuff that crops up (or even might have met someone else etc)

but suggesting a day, then expecting you to book it out then having you chase to see if they’re free is just shit controlling behaviour?

Would be red flag for me - my theory with flakes is even if you do meet and it’s great so you get attached

But they end up doing the same thing again and again so your social self esteem is shot to pieces as you feel like it’s you organising and waiting around all the time?

For some reason I cannot quote @BelladiMamma

"because you then let boundaries niggle eg late night texts, the odd photo request, builds up into something different from what you were hoping as it's easier to run a fantasy online than in person"

This is perhaps the thing to address rather than rush into meeting such boundary crossers, which let's face it, gives them full niggle access.

But yeah I agree, it's an art, a feeling, and the more you do it, the more you get a feel for the good ones and the right trajectory. Still I think it's crucial (to the goal of minimising future possible rejection anguish) to keep the chat light and hands off in terms of romantic validation until you meet and have a better idea of the mutual fanciability.

@SpringlikeBunk

That’s shit *@frankiefirstyear* I completely agree people have stuff that crops up (or even might have met someone else etc)

but suggesting a day, then expecting you to book it out then having you chase to see if they’re free is just shit controlling behaviour?

Would be red flag for me - my theory with flakes is even if you do meet and it’s great so you get attached

But they end up doing the same thing again and again so your social self esteem is shot to pieces as you feel like it’s you organising and waiting around all the time?

Yes, exactly what happened with MrM 🤦‍♀️

I don't think there is a magical ideal text/talk/meet equation, it's surely different for every interaction. I'm not currently using the apps but I think a certain degree of chat let's you work out some of the early basics. Once you have cleared the first hurdle of mutual interest then what we mention so frequently on here come into play- consistent and interesting chat that flows and lack of weird or pushy sex talk. On the other point about missing out on potential great irons because you are having to prioritise others, well that's kind of life isn't it ? My usual patterns on the apps was to get quite a few chats going then plate spin as much as I could until there was someone with whom it was clearly going to develop more. I never managed more than a few weeks on an app and usually only one app at a time. I don't think I am alone in being someone who had several options on the go at any one time. For someone who can be an over thinker I didn't actually over think any of what I was doing. I knew at several points that none of the guys I was chatting to or seeing were right for me so I just enjoyed certain benefits. It's only when someone gets under my skin that it becomes more of a stressy anxious over thinking feeling because I want it to work.

@frankiefirstyear that's rubbish - sorry to hear that he was so disrespectful of your time. But on the plus side, at least you discovered this about him sooner rather than later.

@HairyArsedMan for me, the basics does involve some form of knowing we're on the same wavelength - usually we've been chatting for a few days at least, some a week or two. I've also met people after chatting for a much longer time, but that is equally as unsuccessful as meeting more quickly, so I really don't know the answer.

I also find that with the longer chats, there's always a greater sense of disappointment when we do meet and it doesn't translate into a real-world connection.

Another thing is that I don't really have any other commitments, so have lots of time free, and live alone so getting out and meeting people is easy for me, and I enjoy it even if I'm pretty sure they aren't going to be the next love of my life. If my free time was more limited, and I wasn't sat at home alone all the time I'd definitely be more selective.

@frankiefirstyear

Yeh then you think all the "longing and anxiety or sitting there with a queasy feeling in your stomach" is true love or connection when actually it's unease and unhappiness!

It may be personality but I do actually think there's often elements of passive-aggressive control and testing boundaries there rather than "dippiness" - its a bit of an ego boost getting others at your beck and call?

Then in their head you're this desperate type begging them for a meet when they've set the meet up in the first place?

Eg not for dating but I've had some fairly nasty ex friends who made a point about turning up late etc and then explained it off as "oh aren't I just a forgetful type".

If I myself turned up late I'd get bombarded with phone calls and demands and panic attacks. It was just control tbh.

There was someone at a workplace I used to be at, and her "party trick" was to latch onto new colleagues, say she really wanted to do X night out or Y fun activity, exchange phone numbers, get them to organise it and agree to it!

then ignore them and act like they were being ridiculous and they were "chasing after her" like she was the popular girl at school!

I think too the length of time between match and meet is dependent on the situation. I started online dating this time last year for the first time in my life! And I cringe now when I think of how I let my boundaries be eroded by these men who were bored and seeking cheap thrills.
I think having some questions prepared that are your hard lines/red flags and then allowing the chat to progress in a friendly non sexual way with an intention to meet being expressed early on and followed through soon enough is a good way IMO. Otherwise it just gets so frantic.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@frankiefirstyear

Yeh then you think all the "longing and anxiety or sitting there with a queasy feeling in your stomach" is true love or connection when actually it's unease and unhappiness!

It may be personality but I do actually think there's often elements of passive-aggressive control and testing boundaries there rather than "dippiness" - its a bit of an ego boost getting others at your beck and call?

Then in their head you're this desperate type begging them for a meet when they've set the meet up in the first place?

Eg not for dating but I've had some fairly nasty ex friends who made a point about turning up late etc and then explained it off as "oh aren't I just a forgetful type".

If I myself turned up late I'd get bombarded with phone calls and demands and panic attacks. It was just control tbh.

There was someone at a workplace I used to be at, and her "party trick" was to latch onto new colleagues, say she really wanted to do X night out or Y fun activity, exchange phone numbers, get them to organise it and agree to it!

then ignore them and act like they were being ridiculous and they were "chasing after her" like she was the popular girl at school![/quote]
Weirdly that's a bit like MrM! I initiated it in the beginning but he rapidly overtook where I was, then fell back just as I was catching up 🤦‍♀️ then made it seem like I was a bit out of control, when it was him really dropping L bombs and making grand plans (through conversation, not actions!)

That's exactly been my experience @frankiefirstyear

I mean I think if people are honest and say "we're dating and getting to know each other, I like you but let's see how it goes with scheduling" that's fine and everyone knows where they are at?

But I think some people know if they "drop little hints about emotions" they can get the other person to "get sucked in" and subvert the normal dating process and agree to things that don't suit them.

Obviously if you think the other person is dead keen, and you are at the first stages of a potential serious monogamous relationship you are more open to having someone round at the last minute etc?