Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

I guess seeing your own emotions/time/schedule as important as the dates is the thing here?

if you’re both quite genuinely casual/last minute types maybe it’s fine?

I mean if I was an extroverted California party chick with a big social group who just collected random people at a party at mine every Friday night to hang out maybe fine?

But I know that’s not my social style, and when I’m getting to know someone I want a bit more structure and 1-1 contact?

often the guys who are “incapable of sticking to a set time where women are concerned” are capable of turning up for flights, sports, other social events” -

so the message they are sending is their time is more important than yours and you have to sit there worrying about the mental load of dating/keeping connected and it often never changes.

I think like most amber flag things I’d rather screen early now and just not get involved?

@Mayzee thanks. I'm still a bit up and down if I'm honest - I was thinking about her quite a lot yesterday, and feeling anxious today as I need to visit someone later who lives just round the corner from her. I feel like I should really have moved on already - I just don't know what's wrong with me.

The only way is up I suppose!

I've not really noticed much of an increase in matches recently though - I think the apps aren't my friend at the moment, or everyone is out and about enjoying the sun and meeting people in real life. I went out for a long walk yesterday, and there's nothing that makes me feel lonely as much as seeing groups of people having fun.

Currently having one of those "will I ever meet anyone nice?" moments - no one I like swipes me back, and those who like me are depressingly awful, live miles away, or have kids and only 1 weekend free in every 2 weeks.

I feel like that right now @TheCatWithTheHat, that everyone on the apps depresses me, anyone I do match with either has disappointing chat or doesn't chat enough and that all my real life friends and family have got their own things going on

Thoroughly depressing

I totally agree with the importance of not being flakey. I like to lock in a place and time for dates, and then follow up a day before to confirm and also just let them know I'm on my way on the day. I suppose some people don't like to commit if they have a few options, and I sometimes feel that I'm plan B if someone is quite vague about plans until the last minute.

I've got one chat at the moment where she suggested a couple of days ago that we meet this coming Tuesday, but hasn't replied to me since so I have no idea if I'm meant to keep the evening free. It may not be an issue anyway as she's going to be swept up in my "delete if they don't reply after several days" rule.

I've just whittled it down to two irons I'm on second dates with. Don't know if this is a good strategy or not?

Can't cope with the inbox anxiety / meaningless back and forth with others.

I've been where you are @TheCatWithTheHat and @dancemom. I think the three years of therapy are finally paying off 😂 as I'm so much more in 'I don't give a shit' territory. That and this bloody helpful thread.

@TheCatWithTheHat I lose a lot of irons due to me having my teens here most of the time. They get bored of daytime dates and very occasional potential for sleepovers. That's why I was so upset when me and MrGinger broke off. He wasn't a cocklodger unlike my last two brief relationships post marriage and he was in the same situation childcare wise as me. Plus we used to work together and I felt we really 'got' each other. But my new attitude prevailed and I feel so much better for it. I hope you get there too.

However in good news now it's the spring my horse riding hours are steadily increasing so I can hang out with my rather fabulous horse and get fit all at the same time. And ignore my ex and his child bride and try to keep on track for my teens. And figure out if the two current irons are worth it.

@BelladiMamma I'm getting fed up with the meaningless back and forth too. I think I've run out of energy to come up with interesting things to say and ask, and it's so rare to find someone I bounce off and have fun chats with.

I relaxed my "don't date anyone with kids" rule a year ago when I met Miss H, and for a while it worked fine as hers were 1 week on/1 week off so she had a fair bit of time free. But as time went on, she was available less and less (I guess as she lost interest, or maybe was dating others) and it went from seeing her at least once a week at the start, to once every 2/3 weeks.

Then I met Miss Forest, who told me after our first date that she only had 1 weekend free every 2 weeks - but also had a load of other things she wanted to do with her spare time, so I couldn't even manage a full 24 hours with her every fortnight.

I like my own space and time, so not seeing someone all the time is ideal for me. But I need more than seeing someone one evening a fortnight.

@dancemom it is really depressing isn't it. Good things come to those who wait though, so I just hope that things will change for us soon.

[quote TheCatWithTheHat]@BelladiMamma I'm getting fed up with the meaningless back and forth too. I think I've run out of energy to come up with interesting things to say and ask, and it's so rare to find someone I bounce off and have fun chats with.

I relaxed my "don't date anyone with kids" rule a year ago when I met Miss H, and for a while it worked fine as hers were 1 week on/1 week off so she had a fair bit of time free. But as time went on, she was available less and less (I guess as she lost interest, or maybe was dating others) and it went from seeing her at least once a week at the start, to once every 2/3 weeks.

Then I met Miss Forest, who told me after our first date that she only had 1 weekend free every 2 weeks - but also had a load of other things she wanted to do with her spare time, so I couldn't even manage a full 24 hours with her every fortnight.

I like my own space and time, so not seeing someone all the time is ideal for me. But I need more than seeing someone one evening a fortnight.

@dancemom it is really depressing isn't it. Good things come to those who wait though, so I just hope that things will change for us soon.[/quote]
Oh god I'm that woman too. Busy, unpredictable timings. But I'm all in when I'm with someone- in my head I'm all in, I'm loyal etc. But they don't always see it like that 😞- the cocklodgers because they want more space literally in my house and my life. People like MrGinger cos they didn't like to stay in touch in between our short time together. It ends up being almost like a long distance relationship even if you live very close to each other. Really really tricky.

I think the thing that got me with Miss H especially was that at the start we'd speak every day, then towards the end she'd not reply for 2/3/4 days. I've done a long distance relationship for quite a few years with my last long term partner, and it was fine as we spoke every day.

It's the lack of any contact at all when you don't see each other that bothers me.

I think I need to narrow down. It was sort of fun having lots of messages, but I was doing it boost myself a bit. And actually it's exhausting and not really my normal style.

I think after my divorce I have been really worried about throwing myself at the first person who is interested. I have form for this in the past (on the days before OLD).

I have a meet tomorrow for coffee and walk and one on Tues. And then one on Thursday. The one on Thursday has asked if we could not chat to anyone else before then. We chatted for two hours on the phone last night. I really like him. But I dunno. Is that a weird request? A red flag?

Feeling the same as loads of you, feels so blah there yet my facebook feed is full of happy couple announcements! Im doing my due diligence as @HairyArsedMan has advised but im finding there are loads with really serious issues out there! So alcoholics, gamblers, estranged from kids completely.

@TheCatWithTheHat

I think the thing that got me with Miss H especially was that at the start we'd speak every day, then towards the end she'd not reply for 2/3/4 days. I've done a long distance relationship for quite a few years with my last long term partner, and it was fine as we spoke every day.

It's the lack of any contact at all when you don't see each other that bothers me.

Yes exactly that. I had with MrGinger and it was really upsetting. You just need to know that you're that other person's special someone

I don't like or need daily or frequent contact just for reassurance.

But not replying for a few days or at all is crossing a boundary for me - especially if I know the irons ARE capable of sustained contact when it suits them/they have a goal in mind?

and I've often found that the irons who are quite "relaxed" about replying are often really chippy if I myself don't reply quickly - it's like a social power game for them?

Like "training" me so I'm just on call but can't do things of my own.

Ok, I'm off the apps (don't think I made it to a week?). I'm just too annoyed by them right now.

I'll meet a few work goals then maybe get back on, and I've got second date pencilled in with MrSaw so if he's as good as he was yesterday and it goes through I'll think about going just with him.

Sorry, ill add k pop obsession to my earlier list!

@TheCatWithTheHat

I think the thing that got me with Miss H especially was that at the start we'd speak every day, then towards the end she'd not reply for 2/3/4 days. I've done a long distance relationship for quite a few years with my last long term partner, and it was fine as we spoke every day.

It's the lack of any contact at all when you don't see each other that bothers me.

Lack of communication is a stinger for me too, that's why I kept on at MrM's flank, because the calls were worthy wven if we couldn't be together. I've added that to my mental list of hard lines, because I found it absolute torture when he ignored me and won't stand for that again

Yes I used to think all the “waiting by the phone in a stressed out manner” was a sign of chemistry or true connection

actually that’s my brain confusing the chemicals of anxiety and distress for romantic attraction!

More limerance than love.

Ok so things don’t have to to be perfect straight away

but to maintain the basics just knowing the other person will respond saying if they’re busy or not busy rather than having to chase is important!

[quote TheCatWithTheHat]@BelladiMamma I'm getting fed up with the meaningless back and forth too. I think I've run out of energy to come up with interesting things to say and ask, and it's so rare to find someone I bounce off and have fun chats with.

I relaxed my "don't date anyone with kids" rule a year ago when I met Miss H, and for a while it worked fine as hers were 1 week on/1 week off so she had a fair bit of time free. But as time went on, she was available less and less (I guess as she lost interest, or maybe was dating others) and it went from seeing her at least once a week at the start, to once every 2/3 weeks.

Then I met Miss Forest, who told me after our first date that she only had 1 weekend free every 2 weeks - but also had a load of other things she wanted to do with her spare time, so I couldn't even manage a full 24 hours with her every fortnight.

I like my own space and time, so not seeing someone all the time is ideal for me. But I need more than seeing someone one evening a fortnight.

@dancemom it is really depressing isn't it. Good things come to those who wait though, so I just hope that things will change for us soon.[/quote]
I hope so too @TheCatWithTheHat it's probably a major character flaw of mine but I'm so much happier when I have someone in my life, I'm really not designed to be alone .... although that doesn't make me any less picky 🙄

Back from my date with Mr non-committal and he actually changed it from a walk to a drink in a lovely country pub (well the grounds obviously).

He was sitting when I got there so couldn't tell if height would bother me. I was attracted to him and we chatted easily. Hes after same as me - no marriage, no merging lives or living together which is a bonus. When he walked me to car I got to see the height difference and he's a good couple of inches shorter but his build is bigger than mine so I don't feel like I'd squish him 😄 hes made it clear since leaving that he'd like to do it again- as has yesterday's date 😱 i think I need to do a few more dates with both to see which is a better fit for me - if any. Is that so bad 🤔 I feel guilty 🤦‍♀️

@Slothmomma definitely not, it's just keeping your options open. Go for date 2 with both, it's actually good to have options and a comparison point

@Slothmomma

Back from my date with Mr non-committal and he actually changed it from a walk to a drink in a lovely country pub (well the grounds obviously).

He was sitting when I got there so couldn't tell if height would bother me. I was attracted to him and we chatted easily. Hes after same as me - no marriage, no merging lives or living together which is a bonus. When he walked me to car I got to see the height difference and he's a good couple of inches shorter but his build is bigger than mine so I don't feel like I'd squish him 😄 hes made it clear since leaving that he'd like to do it again- as has yesterday's date 😱 i think I need to do a few more dates with both to see which is a better fit for me - if any. Is that so bad 🤔 I feel guilty 🤦‍♀️

Don't feel guilty. It's just meet ups and no one has made anyone any promises

Sorry if this is a reposting. Limerence has gone mainstream in the guardian.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/feb/13/when-you-cant-quit-a-crush

dancemom & belladimamma yes you are both right, thanks. I will ignore my guilt 😁

[quote DudeFromThatLondon]Sorry if this is a reposting. Limerence has gone mainstream in the guardian.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/feb/13/when-you-cant-quit-a-crush[/quote]
I've kind of had that but not totally. Elements of it. And it's bloody awful. Never ever want to feel that way again, it isn't love

These are good quotes @DudeFromThatLondon

I definitely think when I get limerance a combination of:

weird lockdown life
on-off signals
practical difficulties

All contribute!

“Whenever I interact with him, my limerence is less intense. It’s my own fantasies that draw me in.”

"What makes limerence worse is if the other person gives you mixed signals, or there’s some physical or emotional obstacle such as geographical distance, or if they’re already in a relationship. These uncertainties can perpetuate the fervour and ferocity of emotions."

Yes, it is a good article isn’t it, quite insightful. Think you’re right about lockdown exaggerating. Can’t say I had all the symptoms with my last fling, but certainly a couple. Not quite shyness but a sort of paralysis. Combination of mixed signals and WhatsApp is a heady brew.

Thanks dude I've had that for sure. It helps to look at is as some sort of disorder really but when you're in the throws of it then it really is all consuming.

It's definitely mixed messages that cause this I'm sure. It amplifies everything not knowing where you stand.

I seriously wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've found the main help to me has been a specific type of anti depressants, it must be something to do with chemicals in the brain as to why some are susceptible and not others.

I trot along now and think this must be how 'normal' people live their lives. They've made a huge difference to me and I find it hard to fathom some people are like this without pills...they must be though.