How to stop DP taking me for granted and encourage him to make more effort

[BurbageBrook]

Not a massively sensitive issue but NC anyway, long term member here.

I have a DP who is in many ways really lovely but we are still in the 1st couple of years of our relationship and I worry he is starting to take me for granted already. I do think he is going to propose this year and I want to say yes, he is in many ways my dream man. But lately I feel really under-appreciated. I've talked to him about it and I end up almost apologising for saying it, because he gets all sad and doesn't really get it. But I just feel he could be doing more and being more grateful for what I do. I don't think he pulls his weight equally in the house - he's not too bad, but I do way more. To be fair, maybe I need to do less to give him a chance to do it (I can be a little bit of a clean freak) but yeah...
Also, I think it's just the little things as well. So like, I make him a tea every morning. He has never, ever woken up before me and made me a coffee first, or even learned how to make cafetiere coffee which is what I drink. He does cook for me, that element of evening cooking is probably about equal. He doesn't really plan dates for us very much any more (outside of lockdown) or even walks or things - I feel like I'm always the one suggesting it. We've lived together around a year. It's all really small niggly things really - he is always there with a hug and he's very sweet and emotionally supportive and affectionate, but I think he could just be giving more here. Am I being unreasonable? And if not, how can I get him to 'get it' and give more? Or is that not possible without a more selfless partner?

What do you want from him OP ? Have you discussed his with him ?

Oh and I haven't listed all the things I do here, but it's a lot more. So stuff like, planning holidays/a weekend away once we are allowed... keeping on top of the house 'admin' and most of the cleaning although maybe that's partly because I own the house so it's like he moved in here and I carried on mostly as usual... I am often first to compliment him, I'm always buying him little gifts and things. Should I just do less or will he then do even less? Or am I just too needy?

I don't think he pulls his weight equally in the house

This is a massive problem that needs adequately addressing before you move on. It is not your job to clean up after him. Your time is not worth less than his.

I have discussed it with him, he's said that he almost thinks he'd find it hard to think about my needs to the extent that I think about his. So he sort of thinks i'm abnormally giving and selfless. I really don't think I am though. I just wish he would 'give more'.
He's very responsive, so if I'm upset or I need affection, he's always going to be there, which is nice. I guess it's more that he's not proactive. Is it just a personality thing?

Think you're right @RachelRavenRoth. I worry about having kids etc with him, no kids yet. In many ways he's someone I'd picture as the ideal dad - kind, calm, intelligent and emotionally supportive etc... but the lack of equal cleaning now makes me worry it'll be worse if we have kids. He'll do whatever I ask to be fair but I hate being 'house manager'.

oops re: earlier message i didn't NC, but it doesn't matter, thought I deleted that bit as decided wasn't worth changing for this!

He will be a shit father. And then partner.

I don't know if I'm making it sound worse than it is.... that aspect of things is difficult because he's one of the most amenable people I've ever met so if I said 'hey, you need to clean the house today' he'd do it. But I don't want to have to be the one to ask/organise that....

The red flags are waving, op. Don't be foolish enough to ignore them, and definitely don't be foolish enough to marry him. For you, there is something missing in this relationship. That is highly unlikely to change.

Again, why is your time so unimportant to him that it is down to you alone to organise the house and him? You're jot his pa!

I would definitely fix this before getting married or considering kids. The holidays bit enraged me and the only way I fixed it was by refusing to plan any more holidays (we were married with children by then). I said I’d I planned a holiday he wasn’t coming, and I’d happily cancel a holiday the day before leaving if it weren’t fully organised - cabs flights hotels itinerary. I did pick a period where the next two trips were for his mates wedding and with his parents.
Housework- also just stop. Do a list snd say I’ll do x, you do y, allocate whole tasks, make sure his list includes necessary daily /weekly stuff, and leave it. Tell him if you turn around in a month and you’re sleeping on stinky sheets you will fall out of love pretty damn quickly, and if you change the sheets hes not sleeping in the bed until he’s changed them. He no longer sleeps in your bed unless they are clean sheets and he’s changed them.
Etc. It’s worth a hard line.
I don’t think you have to be exceptionally giving to pull your weight, you have to be selfish and self centred and believe your partner is less of a person than you are to expect them to carry you.

I really can't see myself breaking up with him. Sometimes I've never felt as happy as when I'm with him, and I do really love him. I guess i'm just looking for advice on how I can try to get him to 'do more'/give more. He's so verbally and physically affectionate and he does give a lot in some ways. But... yeah. Most days I am happy, it's just this issue comes up every month or two - I start to feel a bit unappreciated. And then an event will come along like Christmas or Valentine's Day or a holiday and, to be fair, he'll make a big effort. But then I start feeling it again. Hmmm.

I've had some really shocking DPs before him, and he's bloody lovely and wonderful in comparison. But maybe I am setting my bar for what is a 'great boyfriend' too low. I don't know.

@timeisnotaline thank you for that advice, really helpful and practical! I really don't want to break up with him and he is amenable and willing to change, so I think I can work on the things you've suggested.

*when I say a 'holiday' I mean I'll feel happy with his effort during it, like taking me for meals - I will still be the one planning it in the first place! I have already planned a weekend for us later this year but you're right, I need to just stop and get him to do this stuff.

Sounds like you've taken on the mental load. I'd agree about assigning jobs to each of you in the house - he sounds like he's happy to follow a schedule but lacks initiative. Dividing jobs means you won't need to think about them which is a definite relief.

I guess I'm feeling particularly sad about it tonight as we're having our first night apart in like a year (he's visiting a friend which I know is against Covid rules but didn't want to de-rail thread) and he sent me a picture of something and said it was a present. And then later he said he and his friends had consumed some of said present and just 'saved me some' so clearly it wasn't a present after all. And it's just sort of set off this thing in my head of realising actually he doesn't do all that much for me.

@CaffeineAndCrochet that would make sense, as he's the kind of person who is very diligent at his job at work, but hates being a manager/making the decisions. We need a rota on the fridge!

He is not perfect, lovely, needs training, just doesn't see it, something for you to fix or that it's your job to fix. NO. Please just NO. Read the relationships board and spend a lot of time on it. Men like this are on there every day. All the women chose to stay with them, train them, make lists, chats, talks, serious conversations, etc etc.

It never workds.

This man is not partner, husband or father material and it is not your fault or job.

Because he is not a mature adult and sees life work as women's work.

Please don't spend more time on this, please. Your life will be miserable.

He's not amenable, an amenable person would use his own initiative to do it himself without you needing to point it out.

NO, NO, NO!

Ask him to do the rota tonorrow. Then look at how he has allocated jobs. What was missed. Then watch to see if he actually follows through next week. Reassess quietly next sunday.

I don't think he pulls his weight equally in the house - he's not too bad, but I do way more if you both work equal hours, set up a rota together and agree who does what do it's fair. However you have to accept him doing it to his standards.
I make him a tea every morning. He has never, ever woken up before me and made me a coffee first so don't do it if you don't want to. DH is naturally an earlier riser than me, he gets up and makes the drinks. I do other stuff. Don't do it over sufferancce, it'll breed resentment,
He doesn't really plan dates for us very much any more (outside of lockdown) or even walks or things - I feel like I'm always the one suggesting what kind of dates? Does he never suggest catching a movie or going out for a meal, or does he never plan elaborate date nights?

planning holidays/a weekend away so sit down and say hey let's plan this holiday then, where do you want to go?
keeping on top of the house 'admin as above but also, is you want him to take on certain jobs, allocate them. He's moved into your home so you need to hand over jobs.

I am often first to compliment him, I'm always buying him little gifts and things . So you do it because you want to our because you feel you should or so he'll reciprocate? You need to be more honest and is you don't want to buy him things etc don't, sounds like he has a different way of communicating than you and buying you presents every week isn't it.

It does sound like after crap bfs, you've got this idealised image. Little presents, constantly telling you you're beautiful, breakfast in bed etc. That isn't him. That doesn't make him a bad person but you can't expect him to change. Except for doing more housework. Give him a list.

[quote BurbageBrook]@CaffeineAndCrochet that would make sense, as he's the kind of person who is very diligent at his job at work, but hates being a manager/making the decisions. We need a rota on the fridge![/quote]
FFS, no you do not need a fucking rota! He'd never act that way at work because he knows fucking well no one would put up with it, he'd get sacked. But lifework and this relationship isn't as important. He has initiative in his job or he'd get sacked.

This is like beating head against a wall, though, because you'll stay with him thinking he just needs tweaks, rotas, chats, discussions, etc.Until it's too late and you're stuck with a person whom you realise is a shit partner, husband and father because they fundamentally see being a fully fledged adult is your job and work is a get out of life free card.

It's so sad to see. My daughter's learned to drop such men immediately. They're not worth her time. Or yours.

@RachelRavenRoth

Ask him to do the rota tonorrow. Then look at how he has allocated jobs. What was missed. Then watch to see if he actually follows through next week. Reassess quietly next sunday.

He'll pick stuff like bins, DIY, garden, car. He'll allocate all the shit daily work and admin to you because regardless of how 'lovely he is, he sees that type of work as women's work.

Thanks @SleepingStandingUp good to hear a counterbalance to the LTB type posts as genuinely he is lovely in many ways. I am not perfect myself. I can take quite a lot of emotional support, and I can get a little wrapped up in worries, which he is really, really good at helping me with. I am also quite a proactive, very organised person so maybe another woman wouldn't find him to be so disorganised - maybe he's just in the middle. I don't know. My image may indeed be idealised. Previous boyfriend was abusive, but did the counterpart of love bombing, giving me lots of treats, breakfast in bed etc - exactly. So I worry that sort of thing can skew your view. On the other hand i do the gifts, etc, because I want to, not because I think I should. But i suppose people show love in different ways.

He has taken on a few jobs that are just his like mowing the lawn - but again I do have to remind him to do it, or he'll leave it until the lawn REALLY needs doing, which is pretty annoying.

I completely understand where other posters are coming from -- but I definitely am not planning to leave/end it. I want to fix it and I do think it might be fixable.

The plus side to arranging holidays yourself is that you get to please yourself about where to go. If his only in-put is turning up on the day, then he doesn't get consulted.
I'd sooner this than be with someone controlling.

@osbertthesyrianhamster i know what you mean. I think I'm going to say the daily washing up is his job. (Currently still don't have a dishwasher as kitchen units too tiny to fit one in.). And that sort of thing. It's just the way he leaves stuff to the last minute as well that drives me crazy. So he doesn't wash up his stuff after breakfast and then the kitchen looks horrible all day but he says he'll do it after work - but then I have to look at it all day. On the other hand out of lockdown I guess we wouldn't be working at home so it would bother me less.