How to stop DP taking me for granted and encourage him to make more effort

[BurbageBrook]

Not a massively sensitive issue but NC anyway, long term member here.

I have a DP who is in many ways really lovely but we are still in the 1st couple of years of our relationship and I worry he is starting to take me for granted already. I do think he is going to propose this year and I want to say yes, he is in many ways my dream man. But lately I feel really under-appreciated. I've talked to him about it and I end up almost apologising for saying it, because he gets all sad and doesn't really get it. But I just feel he could be doing more and being more grateful for what I do. I don't think he pulls his weight equally in the house - he's not too bad, but I do way more. To be fair, maybe I need to do less to give him a chance to do it (I can be a little bit of a clean freak) but yeah...
Also, I think it's just the little things as well. So like, I make him a tea every morning. He has never, ever woken up before me and made me a coffee first, or even learned how to make cafetiere coffee which is what I drink. He does cook for me, that element of evening cooking is probably about equal. He doesn't really plan dates for us very much any more (outside of lockdown) or even walks or things - I feel like I'm always the one suggesting it. We've lived together around a year. It's all really small niggly things really - he is always there with a hug and he's very sweet and emotionally supportive and affectionate, but I think he could just be giving more here. Am I being unreasonable? And if not, how can I get him to 'get it' and give more? Or is that not possible without a more selfless partner?

@katy1213 that is true, and in some ways I actually do like planning holidays. Maybe he just has less initiative than me in general and it's not about a view of women or the relationship. He's been abroad like 5/6 times in his life whereas I've travelled all over, often on my own. So the holiday example (not that we can go beyond the UK now) maybe isn't fair. But I want him to be more appreciative of the time that goes into organising it, I suppose - to at least say thanks!

Thing is different people need different type of men. DH is laid back. He'll do the lawn when it's a bit too long, he'll wash up without being asked but he'd never go and throw together a cottage pie. He does the early wakes usually with the three kids cos I do night wakes and am a terrible sleeper. I RARELY make a drink and even less likely to make him one but I cook most nights. He tidied, I clean. Sometimes it's just about compromising and finding the right balance.

Are you both our the house for work the same no of hours?

So he doesn't wash up his stuff after breakfast and then the kitchen looks horrible all day so are there shredders scattered across the work tops, milk dribbling down the side, dirty crockery scattered across the sides etc, or it just that there's washing up in the bowl? If it's the further is reasonable to say ok can you at least wipe the sides and stack the washing before work. You have to accept you have different standards

I think you're right @SleepingStandingUp - I am not quite Monica Geller but I can be a little bit uptight about certain things. Your DP sounds like mine. Another woman probably wouldn't be so upset about this.

I work part-time out of the house and i'm also close to finishing a full time PhD, so I work from home most the time. My work times are more flexible, but probably work the same hours as him overall.

@SleepingStandingUp you are right maybe we have different standards. I guess just that he leaves the washing up and maybe a few crumbs.... I'm sounding neurotic now!

He is working from home like me though so I just think he could take a minute to wash the pan he's fried eggs in so I won't end up doing it... he would say that I shouldn't do it, and should leave it for him to wash up. And I guess he is right on that one..

Other posters are right,you do not have to put up with it. You can dump him right now for no other reason than those crumbs. But if you want it to work, you just need compromise and self reflection.

If you want to go on holiday, tell him. Ask for dates and where. Don't just book it and present it. He'll assume that's what you like doing. Oh I never get a say in the holiday, Burb has always got ours booked 2 years in advance!!

I'm definitely not going to dump him, so thank you -- I appreciate the advice. Think you're right. I do need to accept his personality to a certain extent. And I think I need to find ways to make it work with both our personalities.

Basically you’re saying that you want him to change.

Honestly sort it all out pre marriage.
Also recognise as a team you have to play to your strengths. I plan all our hols as I care more and am better at it. Dh manages a lot of bills and checks the doors are locked/We have things we need when going somewhere as I am scatty/forget.
The cleaning thing is bs though. Pathetic as it sounds, Do the job yourself and talk him through it and teach him.

Do not get married until you are 100% sure he is the one

Cleaning load. Mental load.
Social life/arranger load. That's what your life will be with him.

It's nice to have an amenable man but if he becomes another boring load in himself, you won't be happy. You're second-guessing yourself yet you don't seem over-picky about anything.

Compromise can work but it takes 2. If you have to train/lead him into it like you're his mummy then that's not a good sign. He's a grown man. Why take on the brain-stress?

You don't want to dump him. That's fine but be sure he's 'the one' as he sounds like hard work and when kids come along, irritations will be magnified when he's not pulling his weight in the house.

OMG some of these responses are so hard faced and extreme. It's still early days in your relationship. How old are you both? Long term relationships take time to figure out, communicate and compromise. Yes you each need to take on your fair share of responsibilities for home chores and life admin but you'll probably find you each have a natural aptitude for some things and not others so allocate tasks on that basis. You can dictate a rota to him or vice versa. Most important thing is you have to accept you absolutely cannot change him. You can't change his personality but you can learn it, understand what makes him tick and what motivates him and communicate what you need from him. I've been happily married for 20 years and I totally relate to everything you've said OP. There are some ref flags there. Things you're grumpy about now will be massive resentments later if you don't address them. But you also sound like someone in love with a nice guy. Might be a sexist view but in my experience most men are not as empathetic as women and you need to tell him what you want from him. Equally you need to learn to take time for yourself (as he will do for himself). The fact that you are thinking about this stuff means you care about your future and plan it to be with him. Talk to him about that and plan it together. Men are simple creatures!

Yes that’s it, it is the mental load and I feel not appreciated enough/like he doesn’t do enough for me or think about me enough. The non-existent ‘present’ he got my yesterday just pushed me over the edge with it I guess. But like I say maybe my expectations are a little high. He’s not untidy generally, just doesn’t see the cleaning that needs doing in the same ways.

I really appreciate your comments @BabyLEphant . Yes that’s how I feel — I want to find a way to communicate how I feel well so that I don’t keep having the same feeling, and yes I might need to compromise my expectations too. I fully see him as the ‘One’. I’ve dated around a bit and I’ve never met a man who is so calm and so emotionally supportive — I can be quite full on and those elements of his personality are really good for me. You’re exactly right that I’m essentially in love with a nice guy who could be more proactive in showing me he cares a little more, and with the cleaning. I also found some of the replies quite extreme!

Oh sorry you asked my age, I’m 30 and he’s almost 30.

It depends on your reasons for moving in together. If you moved in together as a kind of "trial marriage" to see if you are compatible then, clearly, the trial has worked, because you aren't.

If you moved in together to share finances, which I guess you did as you only work part time then your kind of stuck with him for financial reasons. I doubt he'll change. Most British men would literally rather lose their wife, their kids, their money, their home and their investments rather than do an unpaid domestic chore whilst there is a female living in the house who they believe should do it. They've got a real thing about it, real issues. And it's getting worse.

OP have you heard of love languages? It’s the theory that people express love in different ways. You want your partner to demonstrate his affection for you in acts of service (getting up and making you a coffee) and declarations (booking things, making plans etc) but he doesn’t do this because this isn’t his way of showing affection.
You say he always buys gifts on special days, that he is physically and verbally loving and that he shows that he loves you in many other ways.
You cannot force or require someone to demonstrate love in the way YOU want it, if it doesn’t come naturally to them.
I am not someone who is fussed about presents and gifts, I am not sentimental nor want to fanny on buying someone trinkets and what not - I am very vocal with my emotions and feelings though. I TELL my partner I love him, not through gifts. But I met someone who loved demonstrated their affection through thoughtful gifts and surprises it wouldn’t work because I just don’t get it. It’s not me. I doesn’t mean I don’t love someone just because I don’t like buying them love tokens and organising presents - I’d rather just give them the money

My point is, you’ve said some lovely things about your DP. He demonstrates his love and affection in other ways, does it really matter that he doesn’t make you a coffee on a morning if he shows you love in other ways? Perhaps he’s just someone who wouldn’t bother having a coffee on a morning without your instance? Perhaps to him it’s just something YOU like to do?
Try focusing on how he shows his love for you and see if there are things which you don’t do. See if he takes the lead in other ways? You might find gratitude for them.

In relation to the cleaning, that is only fair that he shares the load and I agree that if he can’t pull his weight that it’s a red flag. But make sure you are not imposing standards on him that are unreasonable or unnecessary.
If he cleans the bathroom once a week but you prefer it scrubbed daily then guess what you’ve got to do that daily scrub!
He definitely needs to pull his weight but there also needs to be a meeting in the middle, if you are a clean freak then that’s intimidating to someone who prefers a more homely and laid back environment.

This will be so much worse when you have children. So much worse.

You might find reading the book Wifework enlightening.

Don't you find him incredibly limp?! It's just the never having any initiative to say "let's go [place] " or anything. And then saying something is a present and then "saving you" some of it - he's all about the empty gesture, isn't he? And he doesn't even know how to make your coffee.

Picture this, you've been up all night with a screaming baby and you're on your knees mentally and physically, and he rolls out of bed (because he's got work) and off he goes, and he doesn't even make you a coffee, and you can't make it yourself because baby hanging off you. Ugh.

What is tolerable now, becomes unbearable when you have kids.

You're not married. You don't have children yet he's already dumped the wifework and mental load on you. I'd be fuming. Do you have to remember his family's/friends birthdays as well? Buy the cards and gifts "from him"?

I'd suggest counselling or moving out and going back to dating.

You sound codependent on him.

The first mistake you made is moving in with him. Why act like a psuedo-wife when he's not taken the step to actually commit to you yet? Of course he's going to take you for granted.

@StephenBelafonte I don't need him here financially, my mortgage is pretty small so I can manage with my part-time job. I also had a good career before going part-time (to finish my PhD) which i could easily go back to for a full time job if i needed to - so it definitely wasn't a financial decision. It was more a 'lockdown decision' of being unable to see each other otherwise, and being in that first flush of falling in love he moved in with me. @LivBa you're right probably am codependent! @category12 that's exactly what I worry about - how much worse it could get if we had kids. If I asked him, he'd do whatever I asked, but I don't want to have to ask... and it did feel just like such an empty gesture, the present thing. Feels like I'm not a priority.
@Ohpulltheotherone thanks for your really thoughtful reply. I have heard about the love languages and it's definitely relevant. I think I do all of the love language things for him, although my dominant one is probably words of affirmation. And I feel his dominant one is physical affection and he does the others a lot less. Maybe my expectations are too high because I do tend to 'give my all' to a relationship, maybe too much. Maybe I need to pull back more.

I’m with category12. I predict you’ll be back on the relationship board in 5 years time, exhausted and desperate with a baby and toddler and a useless manchild who leaves all the domestic grunt work to you.
And he will still be claiming he “doesn’t know how to make coffee”. Ffs.

And I feel his dominant one is physical affection and he does the others a lot less.

Physical affection, uh-huh? Conveniently easy and fun. I don't think my eyes could roll any harder.

How about not lowering your expectations? You'll end up lowering them so far he'll still crawl under the bar.

it is not too much to ask to expect a partner to be able to make you your favourite drink, nor for him to use his brain occasionally rather than slopey-shoulder everything to you and blink endearingly about he loves you but is incapable of considering you and gosh there's housework? How mystifying? When did that happen?

I bet he can plan nights out and trips with his mates.

When I met my partner, he had always had a woman to look after him, (his words) mum and 2 ex wives.
We did not move in together for 3 years, and he learnt a lot in that time, how to manage his finances, look after the house and make arrangements to see his children. Neither of us is good at making decisions but since we moved in together, we have evolved and make a good team. 25 years down the line he still can’t see what is important to me and vice versa. None of us are perfect you adjust to each other.

You're determined not to break up with him. You just want advice on how to make him be different.

So you don't love him for who he is

And you want him to change

He won't change unless he chooses to.

Hes not going to choose to change as you've already given him the opportunity and he hasn't altered

So you either break up with him or accept things as they are.

Its quite simple

I've had some really shocking DPs before him, and he's bloody lovely and wonderful in comparison. But maybe I am setting my bar for what is a 'great boyfriend' too low.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I also wonder whether you are also codependent here because if you are, that state will do you no favours either. All the crap you have picked up about relationships along the way needs to be unlearnt.

I think your relationship bar is still too low here and this man is really taking you for granted. He may well be an improvement on the previous men you dated (and I note your ex was abusive) but this man does not seem to be quite right either. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, have improved but I feel these still need work. It may be an idea for you to look at the Freedom Programme online and work through that. What is the longest period of time also have you been on your own?.